Sunnydale:

"Hello?" Giles queried, vaguely irritated at having his attention deflected from the book he was studying and too absorbed in the text to notice the strangeness of the hour.

"Giles, you need to get over here right away."

"Buffy?" he asked, forgetting his irritation as he recognised the voice on the other end, “What is it? Is something wrong?”

“I can’t explain now, just meet me at your place as soon as possible.”

“But why can’t you…?” he trailed off as the dial tone sounded in his ear and he realised that he was talking to an empty line.  Grumbling under his breath, he shrugged into his jacket and took a quick gulp of his nearly cold tea before hurrying out of the library to his car.

~~~

The first thing he noticed as he pulled up outside his house, was that there was a light shining from the living room window – a light that he knew had not been lit when he left that morning.  Reaching into the bag he kept under the seat of his car for emergencies, Giles retrieved an axe and approached the front door cautiously.

It was unlocked and swung open on silent hinges when he touched it.  Glancing around warily, he called Buffy’s name in a low voice and when she didn’t respond he crept forwards and peered cautiously around the open door of the living room.

Everything looked normal: no signs of any kind of battle, no threat that he could see…and no sign of Buffy.  Entering the room he looked round searchingly, hoping that she had left some kind of note explaining what was going on.  When he rounded the end of the couch he glanced down and then froze, unable to move or even breathe for a moment, then his knees buckled and he sat down hard on the floor.

She slept peacefully, oblivious to his presence as he stared at her in disbelief.  The last time he had found her in his home she had been a lifeless corpse, left in his bed by a sadistic monster that had wanted him to suffer.  For months afterwards he had been unable to close his eyes without seeing the silent accusation of her dead eyes, without remembering how he had failed to protect her.  He had finally forced himself to move on with his life, to try and forget the guilt, and now she had returned.

The similarity to the last time was striking but the differences were even more glaring.  Before she had been cold and still, yet now her chest rose and fell softly to the rhythm of her breathing and her cheeks were slightly flushed with sleep – evidence of life where there had been none before.

“Jenny…” His voice was a broken whisper and with a shaking hand he reached out towards her.  Before he touched her he drew back, afraid that she would prove to be just another dream, afraid that she would disappear as she had so often in the past, leaving him grieving and alone once more.

It didn’t matter though, for at the sound of his voice, she stirred, stretching sleepily before opening her eyes with a soft sigh.  For a moment they were hazy as she hovered in the place between sleeping and waking, then the expression in them cleared and she looked into his face.

 “Rupert…” she murmured with a loving smile that reached to the depths of her dark eyes.

She reached out towards him and Giles tentatively touched her hand.  It was warm and soft and, most importantly, solid and an instant later he had her in his arms, holding her tightly against him as great sobs tore from his chest and wracked his body.

She held him tightly, murmuring soothingly in his ear, the way a mother would with her child, reassuring him that she was real and that she wouldn’t leave him again.

Gradually the storm passed and for a long time they just held one another in silence, content simply to be together.  Eventually Giles raised his head and, without letting go of her, moved back just far enough to look into Jenny’s eyes.

“I don’t understand how this is possible.” He said softly, “You…you were…were…”

“Dead.”  Jenny nodded, “I know, I…remember.”

He didn’t speak but his eyes were questioning and, reading them, she shrugged a little uncomfortably, “It’s not…not specific.  I remember dying, that memory is perfectly clear but after that its just…impressions.  I remember peace and light and I remember watching you sometimes, wishing that I could help you, tell you that I was all right.  Then there was a really loud noise and the light receded, the next thing I knew I was lying on my own grave with Buffy standing over me.”

“Buffy found you?  I wonder why she didn’t bring you to the library,” Giles said thoughtfully, “she knew I’d be there and she had to go out of her way to get you here. Did you ask her what happened – if she knew how you’d…?”  His voice trailed off as something else she’d said suddenly registered in his mind, “You-you were watching me?  Does that mean you already know everything that’s happened since you…?”

“Not everything but…most.  I wasn’t watching you constantly but I-I’d check every couple of days to make sure that you were all right…and to see what you were doing.”  She flushed slightly in embarrassment at what was, in a sense, spying, and quickly went on, “And no, I didn’t ask Buffy anything, all I remember is opening my eyes to the sight of a broken tombstone with my name on it, hearing Buffy’s voice say ‘Welcome back, Ms Calendar,” and looking up to find her standing over me. I tried to sit up and then I guess I must have passed out because the next thing I knew I was waking up here with you beside me.”

“You say Buffy welcomed you back?” Giles questioned sharply, “She didn’t seem surprised to see you?”  An annoyed frown creased his brow, “I do wish she’d stayed, she must have known we’d want to talk to her about this, I can’t imagine why she would just…just leave you here.”

“Maybe she thought that we’d want some time alone,” suggested Jenny, running her hand slowly up his thigh, “After all, I have been…gone…quite a while.”

Giles flushed and caught her hand before it could go any higher; “Yes, well…that is…  I’m-I’m delighted t-to have you back,” he stammered, “but…”

“But?” she asked questioningly.

“I-I have to…  I need to know if this is permanent,” he raised his eyes to hers and she inhaled sharply at the torment she saw there, “Having you back…it’s like a dream…but if I let myself believe and then wake up…  I couldn’t bear to lose you again!”  His voice was as tortured as his expression and Jenny’s heart twisted sharply at the sound.

“It’ll be all right,” she said softly, “we’ll find Buffy and figure this out.”  Wanting only to comfort him but recognising that her touch was the last thing he needed at that moment, she got up and turned away to give him some privacy in which to recover the usual controlled reserve with which he faced the world.  As she moved to face the mantelpiece she noticed absently that Buffy must have dressed her, since the baggy T-shirt and too-short dungarees were a far cry from her usual wardrobe and she briefly wondered what, if anything, she had worn on her return.

She didn’t know how long she stood, lost in her own thoughts, staring blindly at the knick-knacks arranged on the mantelpiece but the sound of Giles getting to his feet made her blink and for the first time she really looked at what was in front of her.

“Rupert…” she said urgently, “I think I’ve found something.”

As he came to stand by her shoulder she looked up at him and then back at the mantelpiece.  Following her gaze he reached past her and tentatively picked up the envelope that rested beside the clock.  Addressed simply ‘Giles’ in Buffy’s distinctive handwriting, he held it in his hands and looked at it for a long moment before raising his eyes to hers, revealing a new fear in their depths.

“Why…why would she leave me a letter?  She’s only a few minutes away…isn’t she?”

Jenny had no answer to give him so she remained silent, her eyes filled with worry for both the Slayer and her Watcher.

“She wouldn’t leave again!” He insisted, trying to sound certain, “She’s happier now, almost back to her old self…there’s no reason for her to…” he trailed off and then continued with a gesture towards the letter, “I’m making too much of this, there’s got to be a perfectly simple explanation in here.”

She nodded doubtfully and offered a silent prayer as he ripped open the letter, shredding the envelope in his haste before unfolding the two sheets of paper it contained with shaking hands.  He glanced at her and, without prompting, began to read aloud.

Dear Giles,

Yes, it’s permanent.  Nothing except the ordinary hazards of human life can take her away from you.  Be happy with Ms Calendar and savor every moment that the two of you have together because in the end the moment is all that anybody has.  The past is gone forever and the future is nothing more that a dream that could be snuffed out at any time.  That’s a lesson we’ve both been forced to learn but now you have a second chance to do things right.

Giles’ eyes were damp as he looked up to find Jenny smiling at him despite the tears that were streaming down her face.  Moving as one they reached for each other, holding tightly to what they had thought was lost to them forever – a life together.  Somehow neither of them doubted that Buffy was right, the cruelty of getting their hopes up this way would be too far out of her character and it was clear that this was somehow her doing.

The letter crinkled between them, reminding them that there was more to read and, with his arm around Jenny’s shoulders, Giles made a futile effort to straighten the crumpled paper before he resumed reading.

I'm sure that you will be wondering how this was possible and how I, who was never any good at research or magic, could be the one to do it.  The answer is simple, if inexplicable; I saw the ritual in a dream.  It had the same feel as the dreams I had about the Master and Drucilla but it was far more specific.  When I woke up I could remember every detail, so I wrote it down and decided that I would try it at the next new moon. 

I know that I should have discussed this with you first but I couldn't bring myself to get your hopes up if it didn't work.  I have hurt you far too much as it is.

I also know that you’ll want to study it so I’ve enclosed the instructions and words for the ritual but since it can only be performed by one Slayer out of every thousand, it will be a long time before it can be used again.

“This is remarkable!” Giles exclaimed in excitement as he turned to scan the second page.  “I’ve never even heard of the possibility of Slayer magic!  It’s well know that, to a certain extent, Slayers are magic but they seldom perform it and the idea that there are spells that only Slayers can perform, the knowledge for which is inherent in prophetic dreams is going to cause great excitement within the council.  If there’s this one spell there are almost certainly others – it’ll create a whole new field of study!  Just think…”

“Rupert!” Jenny interrupted with a smile, “why don’t you find out what else Buffy has to say now before you start planning great things for the future?”

“Hmm?”

“There’s more on the back.”

“Oh yes, so there is.”  He turned to the back of the first page and said with a sheepish smile, “Sorry, I was just…”

“I know, knowledge does that to you.  Don’t worry about it,” she added with a grin, “I think it’s cute.”

Its time for me to go now, you don’t need me any more – none of you do.

Please tell the others that I am sorry…for everything.  I never meant to cause you all so much pain; I never wanted to fail you.  I hope that one-day you will be able to think of me and remember the good times we had together, rather than all of the grief and heartache.

I do have one request: Please, try to forgive Angel.  None of what happened was his fault and I know that he would die before he would willingly harm any one of us.  Because of me, he became Angelus and then, when his soul was finally restored permanently, I sent him to hell.  My love has utterly destroyed him and I hate the thought of you blaming him for my sin.  You were his friends and he valued that because he was so alone.  I know that you will almost certainly never see him again, but please, try to think of him that way again, try to separate him from the demon in your mind.

Don’t grieve too much; it’s better this way. Remember that I love you all and that what has happened is nobody’s fault but my own.

Forgive me for not being a better Slayer,

Goodbye,

              Buffy

Their eyes met, their previous euphoria wiped away as the import of what she had written sank in.

“Oh dear God!” Giles exclaimed in horror, “What has she done?” 

Without waiting for a reply he grabbed Jenny’s hand and hurried from the room, saying as he did so, “Come on, we have to find her before it’s too late.”

The two of them ran to the car and sat in tense silence as Giles turned the key in the ignition and slammed his foot down on the gas even as he silently cursed himself for not listening to Buffy’s teasing criticism and buying a faster car.

“Buffy wouldn’t…would she?” asked Jenny shakily after a few minutes, “She’s always been so full of life.”

“I don’t know,” he answered grimly, “I wouldn’t have thought so but from that letter I’d say that there’s a lot that I haven’t noticed about her lately.”  He gave a mirthless laugh and added, “She was dying inside and I thought she’d recovered from losing Angel – some Watcher I am!”

“Rupert, don’t!  This wasn’t your fault.”

They had slowed for a red light and he glared at it in frustration before checking for oncoming traffic and shooting through the intersection without waiting for it to change green.

With a screeching of brakes and the smell of burning rubber, Giles pulled up in front of Angel’s old apartment.  In answer to Jenny’s puzzled look he explained quickly as he threw open the car door, “Buffy moved in here after her mother told her not to come back – I’ll explain later.”

They ran the short distance to the apartment and Giles pounded frantically on the door before using the key that Buffy had given him in case of emergencies, cursing at the delay when he fumbled before finally managing to get the key into the lock.

“BUFFY!” he yelled as he entered the apartment with such haste that he nearly tripped over his own feet, “Buffy, answer me!”

His eyes hastily searched the room and then, seeing no sign of her, he dashed into the bedroom and then stopped so abruptly that Jenny, who was right behind him, ran into his back.  She started to ask what was wrong and then fell silent with a gasp as she caught a glimpse of what lay beyond him.

Buffy lay motionless on the bed, her eyes open and staring at nothing, a peaceful smile on her lips.  As far as they could tell there wasn’t a mark on her but it took all Giles strength to move slowly forwards before dropping to his knees at her side, certain, even before he touched her, that she was dead.  His eyes were so full of tears that he could hardly see her and he closed them in pain as he reached out blindly for her hand.

To his surprise, her skin was warm and his eyes flew open again just as Jenny exclaimed joyously, “Giles!  She’s not dead, she’s still breathing!”

It took a moment for her words to sink in and when they did his eyes closed again as he murmured fervently, “Oh, thank God!  We were in time!”  Dashing his tears away he got shakily to his feet and, needing a physical outlet for his relief, pulled Jenny into his arms for a brief yet passionate kiss.

Her eyes were dazed when he released her but they cleared quickly as he handed her the car keys and said, “Can you go and start the car?  We have to get her to the hospital.”  She nodded, taking the keys from his hand and hurrying from the room.

Giles didn’t wait to watch her go before he bent down, lifted Buffy’s still form gently into his arms and carried her carefully towards the door.

~~~

Several days later their relief had faded and fear was growing in its place.  Buffy lay in the hospital, her body perfectly healthy as far as the doctors could determine, but she was…empty - her gaze blank, and her higher brain functions apparently none existent.  The medical profession was baffled as to what could be causing her condition and Giles was no longer sure that he had been right in his belief that they had arrived in time.

Desperate to find answers, he and Jenny returned to the apartment, leaving Xander, Willow, Cordelia and Oz to watch over her while they searched for some clue as to what Buffy had intended that night.  There was little for them to find, the apartment remained exactly as Angel had left it with almost nothing to indicate that she had been living there for almost six months. 

The few belongings she had brought with her from her mother’s house had not been unpacked but instead lay jumbled together in the single bag she had used to transport them and left at the foot of the bed.  As they searched through her things they were shocked by just how little she possessed, nothing more than a few clothes and a small box of make-up.  There was no food in the refrigerator, no evidence of her presence anywhere except for the bag in the bedroom, a chest containing her slaying equipment that had been left in the bottom of the wardrobe where Angel’s clothes still hung, and her diary, hidden away at the back of the bedside table drawer, where Giles almost overlooked it.

He stood looking at it for a long time before opening it but in the end his need to find a way to bring her back outweighed his reluctance to invade her privacy and, sitting on the edge of the bed, he began to read, flipping past the earlier entries until he came to those she had written after she returned to Sunnydale.  There were no entries during the time she had spent in L.A. and he assumed that when she had run away, her diary had been left behind.  Her thoughts took the form of letters to Angel and what he read provided some answers and raised more questions even as it made tears burn in his eyes and his heart ache for her pain.

          Dearest Angel

 I'm so sorry for what I have done.  That sounds so inadequate, doesn't it?  Nothing can ever make up for what I have done to you, least of all words.  I wonder if you know why I did it or if you are still wondering why I betrayed you like that.  You trusted me and I shoved a sword through you!  How can such an act be forgiven?  Every time I close my eyes, even for a second, I am haunted by the expression on you face.  You looked at me with such confusion, such betrayal, and such love.  Despite what I had just done, you looked at me with love in your eyes.  I couldn't bear to look but my gaze was drawn to the sword and I found I couldn't look away.  You reached out for me - how I wish that I had taken your hand and gone with you, but all I could do was stare at what I had done and back away.

After you were gone, I ran.  It hurt too much to stay, everywhere I looked there were memories of the times we had spent together and I thought I would go mad if I stayed. 

For three months I ran from who and what I was, trying to outdistance the pain inside me, but it was always there.  So I went back, trying to believe that being with my friends would ease my pain.  I suppose that it did in a strange way.  I went back and they wouldn't look me in the eye, wouldn't talk to me.  As soon as I realised that they blamed me for leaving them I felt everything inside me go cold.  I haven't truly felt anything since then.  I have always known that they couldn't understand my life because they don't have to live with the pressure and responsibility that I have, but for the first time I saw how much they take me for granted.

No one said thank you, I saved the world but that didn't matter - it was my duty.  No one asked if I was all right or why I needed to leave.  Everyone just thought - she's the Slayer; she can't have feelings that interfere with that.  She let us down.  She failed in her duty.  She hurt us.

I never realised before just how everyone sees me.  They are my friends and they will help me research or do anything connected to my duty but to them Buffy Summers is the Slayer.  When they look at me that is all they truly see, it blocks out everything else.  When bad things happen to them I am supposed to be there because they are my friends but when my world is destroyed they expect me to just snap out of it because it is my duty to do so.

Only you ever saw me as I truly am.  With you I could have fears and insecurities and resent my destiny and you would always understand and comfort me.

It is ironic that without you I have become what the others always thought me to be.  You were my light in the darkness. You were the only source of hope in my dark world.  And now you are in Hell, put there by my hand and I am lost in the darkness of despair.  Buffy Summers died the moment I condemned you and all that remains is the Slayer.  I live to kill.  No one should ever be able to say that and mean it but in my case it is true.  I don't feel anymore, I see the others watching me and my head tells me that they are my friends and I love them but my heart is silent - a block of stone resting within my chest, weighing me down. 

I see the others watching me - waiting for me to be as I was before.  They don't understand that it is never going to happen.  They are angry that I don't talk to them anymore, that I avoid everyone but Giles.  It is easy for me to do so. I don't go to school any more, I don't live at home, either.  They know where I am, of course, Giles even has a key because I know him well enough to know that he would only used it in an emergency.  Willow and Xander tried to come here a few times but they don’t do that any more, they have finally accepted that I will never let them in. 

I feel you here sometimes, I don’t want anyone else to pollute my last happy memory - the night that you held me in your arms and made me yours in every way there is.  Sometimes, when I sit here, alone in the silence, I can almost hear your voice, almost feel your arms around me again…almost forget for a moment that you are gone and will never be with me again.  Almost. 

The others think that I’ll get over you - they  want it so of course that is how it must be.  I don’t tell them otherwise, they seem like children to me now, still believing in fairy-tales and happy endings and it’s my job to protect innocence as much as it is to fight evil, I remember that you said that to me once.  What does it matter any way?  Their understanding wouldn’t change the cold, emptiness inside of me; only you could do that and with you gone from me forever my only warmth is the memory of the too-brief time I spent with you. 

Giles should be pleased; he finally has a slayer that follows the rules.  I don't have friends, I don't do anything that takes my mind of slaying, and I no longer fight my destiny.

 It would be so easy for me to just let go.  Every night in my dreams I reach out for you.  There is a smoky mirror that always appears on the edge of my vision and somehow I know that you are on the other side.  I also know that if I try to pass through the mirror to join you I shall have to leave my body behind forever.  There is only one thing that keeps me from going to you - Giles.  When Jenny died he was lost; his only reason to go on was his duty to the Slayer.  It gave - and continues to give him - a sense of purpose that he needs.  I can't take that away from him.  I know that it worries him when he looks in my eyes and sees the emptiness there but there is nothing I can do about that.  I don't think he knows what he is seeing when he looks in my eyes - he certainly doesn't know that the only reason I continue to live is because I know he needs me.

 One day I shall look at Giles and know that he no longer needs me to survive and on that day, I shall pass through the mirror and join you for all time.

 I think that Xander knew that Willow was going to retry the curse.  When he came to me when I was on my way to fight Angelus he told me that Willow had said to 'kick his ass' why would she give me a message like that and then retry the curse?  The only thing I can think of is that Xander lied to me.  I know I should be angry and hurt by the knowledge that he can't be trusted but it is as distant as all my other emotions are these days.  I never knew just how deep his hatred for you ran - though I think that you did, didn’t you?  Xander gave you what you believed you deserved from us all, a reaction too familiar for you to mistake it, while I deluded myself that it was merely petty jealousy that he would grow out of in time.

 It seemed like he was almost happy when you lost your soul because it meant you were no longer part of our group and he didn't care how much I was hurt as long as you were gone.  I think there were even times that he hated me because nothing Angelus did could make me stop loving you but I didn’t see it, I know now that I didn’t see it because I didn’t want to see it; didn’t want to believe that a friend would act that way purely out of spite.

I am telling you this because I hope that you will someday manage to return to Sunnydale and I am afraid of what he will do. 

You didn’t deserve what I did to you and I pray every night that just this once whatever power it is that rules the universe will see justice done and set you free.  I know that you must hate me for what I have done to you but, if you believe nothing else, please believe that I love you.

Heart, mind, body and soul; all that I am shall be yours forever.

                Buffy

For several weeks afterwards she continued to write about her feelings of pain, grief and loss, her overwhelming guilt and, above all, her love, saying no more about joining him until the final short entry.

My Angel,

I think I may be able to restore Ms Calendar!  Last night I had a dream that I was performing a ritual over her grave and when I was finished the headstone split and she was lying unconscious on her grave.  I can remember every detail so clearly that there has to be a reason for it. I have to try.  If I can give Giles back his Jenny then I shall finally be able to pass through to where you are.  If the ritual works then I shall either join you or I will die trying. 

Until tomorrow, my Love,

Buffy.

Shattered by what he had read, Giles sat staring at the little book that held Buffy’s deepest pain within its battered covers until Jenny, who had come and sat silently beside him at some point while he was reading, gently touched his shoulder and asked him what he had found.  With shaking hands he handed her the diary and sat, lost in thoughts of all that Buffy had endured, while she, too, read the poignant words that lay within.

Long before she reached the final entry, she found that she could barely see to read, her vision blurred by the tears that filled her eyes and flowed down her cheeks in a steady stream.  When she had finished she simply turned and buried her face against Giles’ shoulder and wept, her arms creeping up to cling to his neck.  His arms went round her waist, holding her tightly against him as he buried his face in her dark hair and allowed his own tears to fall.

*~*~*~*~*~*

THE END

To Be Continued in…

REUNION

Part Two of: The Mirror Trilogy

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I have not stopped working on Sacrifice and the next part should be out soon.

 AngelicVampyre
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To lose your soul once might be considered a misfortune,
To lose it twice looks like carelessness.

Angelus about the Judge:  "Gee, maybe he's broken(!)"
--'Innocence'

Wesley:  Stay calm, Mr. Giles. We have to stay calm.
Giles:  Well, thank God you're here. I was planning to panic.
--'Bad Girls'

Tina:  You've been to Missoula?
Angel: "During the Depression...er...my depression.  I-I was depressed there."
--'City of...'

Angel: "Why would a woman I've never met even talk to me?"
Doyle:  *laughs* Have you looked in the mirror lately? (hesitates) er, I guess you really havent, no."
--'City of...'

Buffy:  Angel, when I look into the future...all I see is you.  All I want is you!
Angel:  I know the feeling.
--'Bad Eggs'

Angelus:  Yeah, baby...I'm back
--'Innocence'

Spike:  I've known you for two minutes, and I can't stand you. I don't
really feature you livin' forever. (to Drusilla) Can I eat him now, love?
--'Lie to Me'