TITLE:  Truth
AUTHOR:  AngelicVampyre
RATING:  Uh…not sure.  Maybe UK 15  (R?)
DISCLAIMER:  Not mine, don’t sue
DISTRIBUTION:  Ask and ye shall receive.
FEEDBACK:  Please, I crave it!  It’s like cigarettes, ya know?  Just when I think I’ve quit… AngelicVampyre2@aol.com SPOILERS:  Everything up to DMP.
SUMMERY:  S3 rewrite.  DMP my way – Xander gets his comeuppance.  Major Angst.
NOTES: I know nothing about medicine or the legal position of hospitals so I apologise for any errors.

Buffy listened as everyone berated her for ‘abandoning’ them and gradually, through the grief and pain and loneliness inside her, a new emotion emerged: Rage.  It built inside her until she could contain it no longer and then spurred her into action.  The others broke off in surprise as she stalked away from them and turned of the music.

Into the sudden silence that followed she said in a cold, hard voice, “Party’s over.  Anyone who doesn’t know exactly who and what it was for has exactly one minute to get out.”  Something in her voice stifled any protest and in an amazingly short time everyone, even Pam, was gone.  Only Xander, Willow, Oz, Cordelia and her mother remained - all watching her in stunned silence.

For a moment she just looked at them with cold eyes and when she spoke her voice was as icy as her expression.  “Lets settle this, shall we?  First off, I was not leaving town, I was moving out.  Second…”

“Moving out?” Joyce interrupted. “Why?  I forgave you for leaving and this is your home.”

“Wrong, this used to be my home – it isn’t any more.  And you may have ‘forgiven’ me but I sure as hell haven’t forgiven you!”

Joyce opened her mouth but before she could say anything there was a knock on the door.  With a frustrated glance at Buffy she went to open it.  Standing on the doorstep was Rupert Giles.

“So sorry I’m late, I…” he began, only to trail off as he registered the tension in the air.

Joyce didn’t answer; she simply closed the door behind him and resumed her position, standing with the Slayerettes confronting Buffy.

“What, exactly, are you not forgiving me for?” she asked with a distinct note of sarcasm in her voice, clearly not believing that she had done anything of which she should be ashamed.

“You really don’t know, do you?”  Buffy questioned mockingly.  Then, before Joyce could reply she added, “That shouldn’t surprise me, you never can admit that you might have done something wrong.  Okay, ‘mom’ I’ll tell you what you did: You threw me out!” The mocking note left her voice, leaving only truth as she said, “I was frightened, alone and in pain and you refused to hear what I was saying.  You didn’t know I’m the Slayer but I told you how I felt and you forced me to choose between my duty and your love.  Well, I’ve chosen.  You’re my mother and because of that I love you but I shall never answer to you again and I won’t live here any more.”

Giles, who had been standing more-or-less, forgotten in the doorway, spoke for the first time.  “You threw her out?” he demanded incredulously, moving to stand just behind Buffy’s left shoulder.  “You only told us that you’d fought, I think you omitted a rather significant detail, don’t you?  How could you do that to her?”

Joyce flushed as she met Giles’ accusing stare and she quickly looked away.  I never thought she’d do it.” She said in a feeble attempt to excuse her actions.  “Buffy’s always backed down in the past when I gave her an ultimatum.  I didn’t mean it!”

“Yes.  You did, mom.” The certainty in Buffy’s voice silenced her mother’s instinctive protest. “At the time, you meant every word.  That’s why I always backed down, because I could tell when you meant what you said."

“That’s still no reason for you to leave town!”  Xander burst out, “You must have known she’d change her mind and you could have come to me or Willow or Giles but you just left!  That was selfish, Buffy!”

“We needed you here and you never said goodbye or called or anything.”  Willow added in a hurt voice.

Buffy looked at Oz and Cordelia and saw the agreement in their eyes.  They all blamed her for leaving and it hurt, even through her anger.  She didn’t look at Giles, not wanting to see the same expression of betrayal and disappointment on his face.  Then she felt his hand rest gently on her right shoulder and, startled, she twisted round so that she could see him.  The Look wasn’t there, instead his eyes were warm, full of sympathy and concern and he said, so quietly that only she could hear him, “It’s alright, Buffy.  I’m just glad you came back.”

She didn’t reply but as she turned back to the others she reached up and gently squeezed the hand that rested on her shoulder to show Giles that she appreciated his support.  “So, I’m selfish, am I?” she asked in a deceptively mild tone – deceptive because her eyes were starting to burn with rage.  “You don’t think that maybe I had a good reason to leave?  Never mind the guilt and grief over Kendra’s death and your injuries, never mind that I was accused of murder, never mind that I got expelled.  I’m the Slayer, right?  I should just do my duty, regardless of everything else.”  A savage not entered her voice as she continued, “So lets go over my ‘selfishness’ step by step, shall we?”

“Buffy,” said Willow uneasily, “maybe you should…”

“Shut up!” Buffy snarled, “You started this and now you are going to listen whether you want to or not!”  Willow subsided, staring at her with stunned and wounded eyes but Buffy didn’t care.  “Now, where was I?” she asked rhetorically, “Oh, yes, First I ‘selfishly’ chose my duty over the love of my mother and what little security I had left. Then I ‘selfishly’ nearly died fighting Angelus after he pulled out the sword and, last and most ‘selfish’ of all, I saw Angelus become my beloved Angel again, with no memory of the last few months and I told him that I loved him and I kissed him and I shoved a sword through him to close the portal, sending him to hell in the process.  That was the ultimate selfishness, wasn’t it?  Sending the man I love to hell in order to save the world?”

Willow, Cordelia and Joyce were all crying openly and even Oz’s eyes were damp but Buffy wasn’t finished.  “How dare you call me selfish?” she demanded, finally allowing the true depth of her anger to show.  “Do you have any idea how close I came to taking the selfish way out?  It would have been so easy to just end it all - no more pain or grief or guilt or duty.  So easy to let another Slayer be called to take my place.”  Giles’ hand tightened on her shoulder and she saw the dawning horror on the faces in front of her as they realised what she meant but still she continued, driving her point home with ruthless efficiency.  “There was only one thing that stopped me, do you want to know what it was – and under the circumstances this should make you laugh: It was my duty to you!  I didn’t think that you could cope with another death so soon; that losing me on top of Ms Calendar would be too much for Giles in particular.

"So I lived… and I did the only other thing I could do and remain sane – I left.  I gave up everything for you and it still isn’t enough, is it?  You want me to take care of all your problems as well as my own and you don’t even see the irony in you calling me selfish.  Did even one of you ask me if I was all right or why I left?  Did any one except Giles care?  You were all so busy rushing to blame me for not being here that none of you gave a damn that I tore out my own heart to keep you safe.”  The rage drained away, leaving only resignation and despair as she concluded, “It doesn’t matter anyway, I have nothing left give.  Angel took it all with him and I shall be alone for what little remains of my life.”

Giles turned her to face him and without a word he gathered her into his arms and glared at the others over the top of her head.  There was no need, all but Xander were subdued, chastened by the truth of Buffy’s words and horrified by the way they had treated their friend.  In the silence that followed her impassioned outburst each of them examined their own conduct and came to the sobering realisation that every word that she had spoken was true.

 “How can you still love him?” Xander burst out in disgust; heedless of the glares he received from everyone except Buffy, whose face was still buried in Giles’ jacket.  “He’s a monster and I, for one, am glad he’s in Hell!  It’s where he belongs!”

Buffy moved out of Giles’ embrace and turned to look at Xander.  “You’re a fool,” she said sadly.  “You’re so blinded by hatred and spite that nothing else matters to you.  Even before Angel lost his soul you hated him… and for what?  Having my love.  It doesn’t matter that you have Cordelia or that I would never have been interested in you romantically even if I’d never met Angel.  You’re like a child who would rather destroy something than allow someone else to have it.  You’ve never cared how much you hurt me as long as you hurt Angel as well.”  She turned away from him and as she did so her gaze fell on Willow.  For a moment she hesitated and then, as if the words were torn from her she said, "Thank you, for trying to bring him back to me, Willow.  I just wish I’d known in advance, I’m almost sure I could have saved him.”

At her words Xander smirked happily and then his expression turned to dismay as he realised what would inevitably come next.  Sure enough, Willow looked stunned and asked, “You didn’t know?  I asked Xander to…” Horrified understanding filled her eyes and she looked sick. “He didn’t tell you.” She whispered and looked at him with something close to revulsion, “How could you?” her voice was barely audible but Xander heard it and winced.

“Willow, I…” he began but broke off when Buffy said in a low voice that shook with emotion, “’Willow says, ‘Kick his Ass’’” she quoted.  “How could you?  HOW COULD YOU?!”  Her voice rose with every word she spoke and was filled with a fury the likes of which those listening had never heard before.  “You KNEW? You knew and you didn’t tell me!  You BETRAYED me?  You BASTARD!”  On the last word, Buffy lashed out and slammed her fist into his nose.  There was a sickening crunch of shattering bone and cartilage and Xander flew across the room and smashed into a wall.  Everyone cringed but no one made any attempt to help him as Buffy marched over and hauled him to his feet.  There was blood streaming from his broken nose and bruises were already forming around his eyes but she was unmoved and dragged him to the front door.  Letting go of him for a moment she opened it and then literally threw him out of the house, sending him flying more than twenty feet.  As he dragged himself to his knees in the gutter, Buffy warned him, “If you ever come near me again I’ll break far more than just your nose, do you understand?”

The quietly lethal tone of her voice and the look in her eyes convinced Xander that she meant every word and he nodded dumbly, trying to think of something to say.  Before he could, Buffy went back into the house and closed the door.  The finality of the gesture was not lost on Xander as he dragged himself to his feet and staggered towards the hospital.
 

Buffy didn’t so much as glance at the others as she walked past them and up the stairs to her bedroom.  No, not hers any more, she mentally corrected herself as she finished packing her bag with a few essentials.  She desperately needed to be alone, her chest ached with grief and pain and her eyes burned with the effort of holding back tears.

Glancing around the room, her eyes fell upon Mr. Gordo.  She remembered coming in through the window and finding Angel holding the fat little pig and without a second thought she shoved it into her bag.  Going to her wardrobe she drew out the jacket Angel had given her so long ago and put it on.  Closing her eyes for a second she imagined that instead of soft leather she was wrapped in his strong arms: the only place where she had ever felt completely safe and happy.  A sound from downstairs dragged her back from the fantasy and she was reminded all over again that Angel wasn’t there.  He would never hold her again and it was all her fault.  The tears pressed ever more insistently against the backs of her eyes but she refused to let the people downstairs see that she had been crying.

After a quick check to confirm that she was wearing both the ring and necklace Angel had given her, she grabbed her bag and left the room.  It seemed to her that she had been upstairs for a long time but in reality she had been gone only a few minutes and everyone was still standing at the bottom of the stairs.  They were arguing furiously with one another but fell silent as she approached.  Before any of them could speak she said to Joyce in a cold, quiet voice, “I’ll come back while you’re at work tomorrow to collect the rest of my things.”  Without another word she moved past them and opened the door.

Seconds before she walked though it Willow called out urgently, “Wait!  Where are you going to go?”

For an instant Willow thought Buffy was going to ignore her completely but then she paused and looked back “Somewhere I can be alone.” She replied vaguely.  “Giles, I’ll stop by to see you tomorrow.  Just… expect me when you see me.”

Giles nodded gravely, knowing that it was futile to argue with her, and she met his eyes for a second before disappearing into the night.  Everyone crowded into the doorway to watch her leave but she never once looked back.

~~~

Buffy let herself into Angel’s apartment and sighed with exhaustion.  Looking round she noticed that other than the layer of dust, which lay over everything, nothing had changed since the fateful night of her 17th Birthday.  There was no sign that Angelus had ever stayed there.  Despite his cruel words the one time they had met here, it was memories of Angel, not Angelus that haunted her as she looked around.  There were so many happy memories here.  She closed her eyes and, for a moment, she was lost in the past: Tending his injuries after he was captured by Spike and Drucilla, coming to talk him into going to the Bronze with her, walking him home after patrol, coming to make sure he was all right after her dream and finally, him whispering that he loved her as the two of them lay in an exhausted tangle after making love together for the first and last time.

As a wave of happy memories crashed over her a faint smile lit her face but then, cruelly, another memory intruded:

“Yeah.  Like I really wanted to stick around after that.”

“You got a lot to learn about men, kiddo.  Although I guess you proved that last night.”

“You were great.  Really.  I thought you were a pro.”

“Come on, Buffy.  It’s not like I’ve never been there before.”

Buffy’s eyes snapped open, but it was too late, the reality of what she had happened and what she had lost returned and with it came the pain.  A sob caught in her throat and she tried to choke it back, but there was another right behind it and another and another.  They were coming to fast for her to hold them back and after a while she stopped trying and collapsed on the floor in tears.  Her small body shook with the force of the sobs that were torn from deep within her and her throat was soon raw with crying.

She cried for hours, violent sobs wracking her body long after she had no tears left.  Eventually she sank into an exhausted doze, only to awake less than an hour later screaming Angel’s name as she had been doing for months - every time she gave in to her need for sleep.

~~~

Rupert Giles sat in his office and worried about Buffy.  It was something he had done often since he became her Watcher and constantly over the last three months but this time was different.  It had been bad; wondering why she had left and if she was doing all right alone, he had thought that nothing could be as bad as the horrors he envisaged.  He had been wrong.  With an anguished groan he buried his head in his hands.  Dear God, what she’d suffered.  Buffy had told them only the bare bones of what had happened but that little had been enough and her pain had been crystal clear.  It was, he knew, little less than a miracle that she hadn’t broken completely and her reason for not doing so humbled him as nothing ever had before.  Despite all the pain she was enduring she had thought of what her death would do to her friends – to him.  She had been right, of course, he couldn’t have coped with another loss, with her loss but the fact that her desire, even now, was to save those around her from pain was proof that she possessed a strength of will that was truly awe-inspiring.

There was absolutely no doubt in his mind that Buffy was stronger, both mentally and physically, that any Slayer he had every heard of – possibly any who had ever existed.  Even so, everyone had a breaking point and he was very much afraid that Buffy was very close to hers.  He wasn’t afraid that she would go mad as Drucilla had; somehow he knew that would never happen, what he feared was that sooner or later Buffy would reach the limits of what she could endure.  It wouldn’t take much, he was sure and when that happened she would either decide that he and the others were strong enough to cope or that she didn’t care any more, and take her own life.

Suicide was always an ugly idea but it seemed particularly repugnant when thought of in connection with Buffy.  She had always been so vibrant and full of life that it was nearly impossible to imagine her stilled forever in death.  A sudden chill went through Giles as he imagined living in a world without her – she was the only light in his life, his daughter in all but name and without her he would have nothing.

At that moment Willow entered the library and, despite his anger over the way she had treated Buffy, Giles viewed her presence as a welcome distraction from his thoughts and left the office to talk to her.
 

Willow glanced at Giles nervously and then looked away, unable to meet his eyes for more than a few seconds at a time.  For a long time she had viewed the library almost as a second home and now she felt like an intruder.  She was painfully aware that she had wronged Buffy a great deal at a time when she most needed the love and support of her friends.  Because of that she stood silently in front of Giles and realised that, for the first time, she had no idea what to say to him.

“Willow?” he finally asked when it became apparent that she wasn’t going to speak, “Was there something you wanted?”

“I-I was wondering… has Buffy had been by yet?” she blurted out, forcing herself to look at him.

Giles frowned and his already cool expression turned positively cold. “No, she has not…and it was my impression that she did not wish you to be present when she did.”

Willow’s eyes filled with tears and she looked away. “I know, I didn’t come here for that, I swear.  I don’t blame her for not wanting to see me – any of us – when we let her down like that.”  The tears overflowed and trickled down her cheeks as she continued, “Buffy’s always been there for us and she never really asked for anything in return…and,” she paused to choke back a sob and then continued, “and the one time she really needed us to be there for her, we shut her out.  I just want her to know that I’m sorry and that if there’s anything I can do… I know she won’t want to talk to me so I-I thought that I’d ask you to give her the message for me."

In the face of her very real remorse Giles softened a little and he said more gently, “I’ll tell her what you’ve said, Willow but I do think that it would be best if you leave now.  There’s no way of knowing when Buffy will arrive and if you’re here when she does, she may not stay.”

Willow nodded sadly and turned to leave.  Just before she reached the doors she turned back and asked softly, “Why weren’t you angry, Giles?  You were as worried and alone as the rest of us and you more than any one has the right to expect her to contact you, why weren’t you hurt that she didn’t call?”

“I know Buffy, I knew that she would never have done what she did without a damn good reason.”  His simple reply shamed Willow deeply and she flushed, taking his words as a rebuke – as he had intended them to be.

It was hard, but she managed to hold his gaze and nodded slowly in acceptance of his words.  “I’m so glad that you, at least supported her.  I think that you’re the only person left in the world that she knows she can trust.  You’re all she has left.”

Giles didn’t respond and after a moments silence, Willow quietly left the room, leaving her last words to haunt him.  As much as it saddened him, he knew that Willow spoke the truth.  Buffy had been betrayed by the very people she should have been able to trust the most and he was the only one left to try and help her to pick up the pieces of what little was left of her life.  He sighed and turned back to his office, hoping that his support would be enough and knowing in his heart that it wouldn’t be.

He was so lost in his own thoughts that he didn’t even notice Buffy until she said his name.  Startled he swung round in the direction of her voice and saw her leaning casually against a bookcase near the entrance to the stacks.  Her arms were folded across her chest and she was dressed for training in black ski pants and a black T-shirt.  The once form-fitting clothes hung on her small frame.  The power of her words the night before had given her the illusion of greater strength and stature than she possessed and Giles was shocked as he realised for the first time just how much weight she had lost over the last three months.  Hiding his concern as best he could, he moved towards her.

“Buffy… Have you been there…long?” he asked, wondering if she had overheard him and Willow discussing her and what she thought if she had.

“Long enough,” she replied and then changed the subject.  “So Giles, why don’t you fill me in on what the Hellmouth’s been up to and then we can train.

~~~

During their training session Giles’ concern for Buffy continued to grow.  Despite her weight-loss, she fought as well as ever and with a focus that he had never seen in her before but she refused to talk to him about anything that was not directly connected to her duty.  The second he tried to bring up anything even remotely personal she shut him out, her face taking on a frighteningly blank expression.  It was as though the Buffy Summers he had grown to know and love over the last two years no longer existed – there was only the Slayer.

At dusk Buffy called a halt and told him that she was going to go and patrol.  She had already disappeared into the stacks when Giles suddenly remembered his promise to Willow and called after her.  For a moment he thought that he had left it too late and she was gone but then she reappeared and asked, “Yes?”

“I, um…Willow…asked me to-to tell you…” he began but Buffy cut him off before he could say any more.

“I know, I heard.” She said indifferently, “Tell her that it doesn’t matter…tell Oz and Cordelia the same thing if they ask.” For a second she looked unutterably weary and Giles thought he heard her add, “Nothing matters any more.” But the words were so quiet that he couldn’t be sure.  The next second she was gone and he was alone once more.

He flopped into a chair and rubbed his eyes, remembering all the times in the past that he had wished that Buffy would stop fighting destiny and focus on being the Slayer.  He had been wrong he admitted now.  During their training session Buffy had been all he had every wished and he had hated it intensely.  He wanted the old Buffy back – the one who had laughed and teased him and complained when killing demons got in the way of her social life.  It was just further proof, he supposed, that you should be very careful what you wished for. More than anything else, however, he wanted her to be happy again and all he could do now was wait and hope that, given time, the old Buffy would re-emerge.

~~~

As days turned to weeks and weeks to months, that hope faded.  Giles had told Willow what Buffy had said and the little redhead had once again started coming to the library to help research.  Oz and Cordelia often joined her here as they really had nowhere else to go but the happy atmosphere that had always seemed to fill the library was gone.  Buffy seemed almost unaware of the Slayerettes presence; she seldom spoke to anyone except Giles and then only to report.

Each day the shadows under her eyes grew deeper and she had grown so thin that her skin stretched like parchment over her bones.  It seemed a miracle that she could even move, let alone fight and yet fight she did.  Giles had discovered - to his secret dismay - that she patrolled from sundown to sunrise every night and he doubted that she slept at all, even during the daylight hours.  The streets of Sunnydale had never been safer but he feared the cost of that safety.  Buffy was like a machine, her emotions destroyed by everything she had gone through, but the machine was breaking down and Giles and the others had no idea what to do about it.

~~~

Two and a half months after Buffy’s return, Giles closed the book he had been looking through with a thud.  Nothing.  He, Willow and Buffy had been researching Ecyoj – the newest demon in town for hours.  They knew that destroying its heart was the only way to kill it – a seemingly average job for the Slayer.  The drawback was that it didn’t keep its heart in its chest but in a little box and so far they had had no luck discovering where its hiding place might be.

He looked over a Willow to see if she was faring any better and noticed that instead of working she was looking over to his left with a worried expression.  Following her gaze he looked over and saw that Buffy was fast asleep.  For a second he was relieved, grateful that she was finally getting a little rest, but then he realised that her dreams were far from peaceful.

Tears seeped from under her closed eyelids in a steady stream and even as he watched her entire body started to shake violently and she moaned in pain.  It was heartbreaking to watch her but sleep was something that she desperately needed and Giles didn’t know if he should try and wake her.  Before he could decide one way or the other, Buffy cried out for Angel in a voice full of despair and jerked awake, looking around her with anguished eyes.

Instinctively, both Giles and Willow moved to comfort her but before they could reach her she was gone, running from the room as if pursued by the devil himself, not even stopping to grab the jacket Angel had given her and leaving Giles and Willow staring after her.

“Giles…”

“I know, Willow,” he answered his voice full of sorrow.  “She needs Angel.  Without him she has no hope – nothing to live for except her duty – and there’s nothing we can do except watch while she dies inside.”

“Couldn’t we bring Angel back?  Is that possible?” she asked hopefully.  “If we did that then they could be together and Buffy would be happy again.  They both would.”

“Rescue a soul from the demon dimension?” said Giles thoughtfully, “There are a great many spells to summon – and control – demons but I would have to do some research before I could say if such a rescue were possible.  Of course, even if it could be done, you’re forgetting the curse.  Angel and Buffy can’t be together, if they were they would almost certainly make each other happy and then Angelus would return and the whole thing would begin all over again.”

“No he wouldn’t!” squeaked Willow, “I thought I’d told you.”

“Told me what?”

“Ms. Calendar – she took out the clause when she translated the curse.  Angel can never lose his soul!”

Giles sat down abruptly in the nearest chair as a thousand images of Jenny flooded his mind.  Even in death she was helping them – helping the one who had killed her.  For a moment, even though he knew it was unfair, hatred swelled within him and he was fiercely glad that Angel was suffering eternal torment.  Then, as clearly as if she were standing next to him, he heard Jenny’s voice:

“Don’t blame Angel for what the demon has done, Rupert.  He has a good soul and would have done anything to prevent what happened.  Angel loves Buffy, even after 1000 years in hell he still clings to her memory.  He would still do anything – endure anything – for her and she loves and needs him just as much.  That kind of love is rare, almost unheard of; don’t stand in its way because of me.

"Angel was and is a good and loyal friend who saved my life; Angelus was a monster that killed me.  Please don’t confuse the two; the guilt will be hard enough for him to bear without you adding to it.
I’m always with you, you know and one day you’ll see me again.  I love you.”

“Jenny,” Giles whispered longingly, “I…”

~~~

“GILES!”

He started and looked round wildly.  Willow was standing in front of him, yelling his name and from the look on her face he gathered that she had been doing so for some considerable time.

“I’m sorry, Willow, you were saying?” he asked, pushing thoughts of what had just happened to the back of his mind, where he could examine it later.

“What happened just now, Giles?” Willow asked in concern, “You seemed to be in some kind of trance.”

“Oh…um…it was nothing.  I was just…thinking.  You’re quite certain that the curse is now permanent?”

“Positive, I checked the version we used against the original and the wording was different – it’s more of a blessing now, happiness will only strengthen the soul’s power over the demon.”

“All right then, it would appear that we have work to do,” said Giles, completely forgetting the demon who’s heart they had recently been researching.  “You see if there is anything about freeing someone from the demon dimensions on, on the...the net and I’ll see what I can find in my volumes.  This may take a long time so I suggest that you call your parents and let them know that you won’t be home tonight.

"Angel will not be himself even if we do succeed in retrieving him, he will, after all, have been trapped there for hundreds of years.  However, Buffy has proven many times that she would do anything for Angel and I believe that having him to take care of will give her a reason to live again.”

“It will, I know it will,” said Willow, relieved that there was finally something tangible that she could do to help Buffy.  “I’ll call Oz, Cordelia and Xand…  I’ll call Oz and Cordelia – I know they’ll want to help.”

Giles didn’t comment on Willow’s near slip over Xander.  He knew that she still had trouble accepting that the friend she had trusted since childhood could have betrayed them the way he had.  She was still clinging to the hope that Xander would give her some reasonable explanation for what he had done, realise that he had been terribly wrong and beg forgiveness.  He understood her sentiments but didn’t share them; as far as he was concerned there was no excuse for what Xander had done to Buffy.  Just thinking about it made him burn with rage.

Giles had only seen Xander once in the weeks since Buffy’s disastrous welcome home party.  He had actually had the nerve to come in and ask him if ‘Buffy had come to her senses yet’.  Giles had barely restrained himself from strangling the boy on the spot and instead informed him, in no uncertain terms, that he was no longer welcome in the library.  He had also warned him never to expect forgiveness from Buffy for what he had done.

Xander had been dumbfounded, unable to understand why Giles didn’t agree with his actions.  He tried to convince him, arguing that Angel deserved to suffer for eternity as punishment for what he had done but his words had had the opposite effect of the one he’d intended.

Instead of agreeing with him, Giles had gone completely still and then asked in a voice as cold and deadly as an Arctic winter, “And Buffy?  What crime is she being punished for?  What has she done that she deserves to suffer like this?”

It was Giles’ voice rather than his words that convinced Xander that he would never be able to win him over to his point of view.  He left the library quickly, aware for the first time that, beneath Giles’ civilised exterior Ripper still lurked and could be dangerous if pushed too far.  For the first time since they had met, Xander saw Giles as someone to fear – he hadn’t been anywhere near him since.  Something for which Giles was profoundly grateful.  It was beyond his comprehension how Xander could claim to be Buffy’s friend and still do what he had.  He had never particularly liked the boy – he found him annoying – but he had always believed that he could be trusted.  It was only now that he realised that Xander could only be trusted as long as people behaved the way he thought they should.  In his mind he was always right and anyone else’s opinions and feelings were invalid and therefore unimportant.  That mindset made him potentially very dangerous and Giles resolved to keep any eye on him, just in case.

Willow interrupted his thoughts, saying in a sad little voice, “He knew, didn’t he?”

“Hmm?  Who knew what, Willow?” he asked absently, still thinking about the damage that Xander could do to Buffy and the rest of them if he tried.

“Xander, he knew all along why Buffy left the way she did, didn’t he?” her eyes pleaded with him to deny what she already knew to be true and Giles looked away as he said:

 “Yes, Willow, I’m afraid he must have at least suspected from the moment Buffy didn’t show up for school.”  Her eyes filled with tears and he mentally damned Xander for all the pain he had caused and was still causing.  He knew that Willow’s pain was nothing compared to Buffy’s but she was his friend and the sight of her in tears added just a little more fuel to his already intense anger.

“He knew,” she said brokenly.  “He saw us all wondering why she’d left and he didn’t tell us, didn’t even suggest it as a possibility – and then she came back and he blamed her for leaving… He accused her of being selfish!”  Her tears dried up suddenly and for the first time, Giles saw some of his own anger spark to life in place of the hurt that had been there before.  “He accused her of being selfish.” She repeated slowly, “Knowing what she’d had to do for the world’s – for our sake – and knowing what he’d done to her…he still called her selfish.”  Her eyes were full of the death of childhood dreams as she said sadly, “I don’t know him at all.  He’s not the Xander I grew up with any more.  Maybe he never was and I just didn’t see his dark side until now.”  As she spoke Willow realised that the Xander she had known was lost to her forever.  Even if she forgave, she would never forget.  She would never be able to trust him again.

Filled with a sudden urgent need to see Oz she turned away from Giles and picked up the telephone to call him and Cordelia.

~~~

Giles rubbed his eyes and looked up from the book he had been reading.  His glanced round at the three teenagers and his gaze came to rest upon Cordelia, as she sat with her head bent over a large book, frowning slightly as she tried to decipher the ancient English it was written in.

Over the last few months his respect for her had increased dramatically.  On learning what Xander had done she had immediately broken up with him but instead of returning to her ‘popular friends’ she had remained a part of their little group.  She still vain and bitchy sometimes but it was more because she thought it was expected of her than from any real malice any more.  No matter how much she complained, she was always willing to pitch in and help with any research and she had been extremely kind to Willow, keeping her from obsessing too much over Xander.  Between them, Oz and Cordelia managed to keep her mind off his betrayal most of the time.

He closed the book with a sigh and glanced at the clock.  It had been hours since Buffy had run out and he was beginning to wonder if she intended to return at all that night, he had expected her to come back for her jacket as she was never seen without it any more.  As if his thoughts had conjured her up, she appeared from the stacks – she never used the main doors he had noticed.  She was covered in green slime and there was a deep cut on her left arm.

“Buffy!” he exclaimed, leaping to his feet in alarm, “What happened?”

She looked at him wearily, her eyes glazed with exhaustion.  “I killed Ecyoj…he exploded in a mass of green goo.  I just came back to get my jacket.”

“Good lord, you mean you found his heart?  How?”

“I told him that I had a friend do a location spell and that I was just supposed to keep him busy while they went to destroy it.  He led me right to it when he went to retrieve it.”

“A spell of location!” exclaimed Willow, “we could have done that, I should have thought of it!”

“Quite, Buffy, why didn’t you come and tell us?  There was no need for you to fight him.”

Buffy shrugged, “What difference did it make, he’s dead.”

“Yes, and you’re hurt.  Here, let me see.”

She pulled away saying impatiently, “It’s nothing, Giles, don’t fuss.  Look, I gotta go, I need a shower.”  As she spoke Buffy grabbed her jacket and headed into the stacks but just before she vanished from sight she gave a bitter laugh and turned back, “By the way, Giles, did you happen to notice what Ecyoj is spelt backwards?” and before anyone could reply, she was gone.
 

Giles turned the word around in his head & everyone else reached for a sheet of paper.  When they figured out what Buffy had meant, they winced.  Written on the three pieces of paper was ‘Joyce’.

“I…I guess they haven’t spoken to each other?” asked Willow.

“Not to my knowledge, no.” Giles replied, “it’s my understanding that Buffy hasn’t spoken to her mother since the night of the party and Joyce has made no effort to discover her whereabouts.”

“She won’t.” Cordelia said positively.  Everyone looked at her in surprise and she explained, “I saw her a few weeks ago at the Mall.  She’s waiting for Buffy to come home, beg forgiveness and forget all this ‘Slayer nonsense’ – her words – until that happens she doesn’t want to know.”

“My god,” said Giles faintly, “I thought she’d begun to understand after Buffy explained what had happened.  How can that woman be so…unfeeling?”

“She doesn’t know Buffy,” said Willow, “she never has and she doesn’t want to.  I mean, she believed that Buffy was in a gang.  She wants the perfect daughter and it makes her mad that Buffy will never be what she wants and that she can’t control what she does.

"I don’t think she’s capable of appreciating what a wonderful person Buffy is, all she sees is a failure and she’s trying to force Buffy to be what she wants her to be, rather than who she is.  It’ll never work and if she doesn’t see that soon, she could lose her forever – if she hasn’t already.  Buffy always used to try and please her mother but even before I don’t think she’d have done what Joyce wants and now…she just doesn’t care any more.”

“About anything.”  Cordelia agreed.  She looked down at the table, for once reluctant to speak her thoughts aloud, then she squared her shoulders, looked up at Giles and said bluntly  “She waiting to die, isn’t she?”

Willow gasped and looked at Giles, Oz put a comforting arm around her shoulders as he did the same.  Cordelia’s words didn’t shock him; he had been thinking the same thing but had been reluctant to mention it, knowing how much the subject would distress Willow.

Giles slumped heavily into his chair, removing his glasses and rubbing his eyes tiredly before looking up to meet Cordelia’s gaze.  “Yes, I believe she is,” he said sadly.  “She won’t, for our sakes, take her own life directly – at least not yet – but she’ll keep taking chances, keep preparing us until either her luck runs out or we have accepted the inevitability of her death and she feels free to end it herself.”

Willow gave a choked sob and buried her face against Oz’s shoulder.  He stroked her hair soothingly but his thoughts were elsewhere and he asked in his quiet way, “You say she won’t take her own life but what would you call starving herself to death?”

Giles shook his head slightly, “I don’t think that’s a conscious decision on her part.  She just…isn’t interested in food.  That is the greatest danger though; she can’t weigh more than half what she should and she almost never sleeps.  If she were anyone but the Slayer she’d be dead already and as it is I am at a loss to explain how she has the strength to move, let alone fight.

"If she goes on as she is now she will inevitably collapse.  We have very little time left.  If we cannot retrieve Angel soon, it may well be too late and he shall return only to watch her die.”

Giles’ sobering words hovered like a black cloud over little group and they hit the books with renewed determination.  For nearly a week they spent their every spare moment in the library, refusing to give in to despair when every possible lead proved useless.

~~~

Six days later Giles sat at his desk and stared blindly at the book that was open in front of him.  His eyes burned with a combination of exhaustion he would not give in to and tears he refused to shed.  It was almost over.  Every day Buffy had new injuries, wounds inflicted by vampires she should have been able to stake with her eyes closed.  Thus far none had been serious but it was only a matter of time.

Every day her reactions grew slower, her senses duller.  During training the previous day he had managed to beat her with the quarterstaff for the first time since they had met and he had gone cold with sheer terror.  If he could get through her guard how much easier would it be for the enemy?

He had suggested that she should take the night off but, as he had known she would, she had dismissed the idea out of hand.  Where once she had fought for a night off so she could ‘have a little fun’ she now refused to even consider it.

As he forced his tired mind to focus on the words before him he thought sadly of the girl she had been and how he would give every book he owned just to see her smile again.  He was so caught up in his thoughts that it took a moment for the words he was reading to register.  When they did he shot upright in his chair, exhaustion forgotten as he carefully re-read every word.  When he was finished he let out a most un-Giles-like whoop and dashed out of the office with the book clutched in his hand.

“I found it!” he announced to the startled group of exhausted teenagers.  “We can do it, we can bring him back to her!”

“Y-you found it?”  Willow queried tentatively, her tired mind not quite processing what he was telling her and then in delight, “You found it?!”

Giles nodded vigorously and opened the book, setting it down in front of her.  “You see?” he said before she had a chance to read it, “It’s a fairly simple spell which retrieves an ensouled being from hell without allowing any of the demons to escape.  Best of all, since it was intended to rescue humans who wouldn’t survive long in the demon dimension because time there moves so much faster than it does here, the spell bends time and will retrieve him only a matter of days, possibly even hours, after he first arrives.  Which means that the hundreds of years he has actually been down there will never have happened.  He will undoubtedly have been tortured but he won’t have been there so long that he’ll lost himself and the spell should heal any physical wounds.”

“Giles, this is great!” Cordelia exclaimed, “he’ll be able to take care of Buffy instead of her having to take care of him.  If Angel had come back hurt she would have survived for his sake but this way…this way she might smile again.”

“Yes, that thought had occurred to me,” Giles admitted.  “For Buffy, Angel is the difference between living and existing and if – when – she gets him back, we may get her back.  I hope so, anyway.”

They looked at each other and reflected on each of their faces was the thought of how much they hated the empty shell that Buffy had become.  She had always been so full of life, lighting up the world around her so naturally that they had hardly been aware that she did so until the light went out and they were left in darkness.

“So what do we do?” asked Oz.

“Well, right now all you can do is-is…er…go home and get some rest, we have just under seven hours as the spell has to be performed at midnight on the night of a new moon, which is tonight.  There isn’t time for us to wait for the next one and as tired as we all are we might end up making a mistake of some kind, which could prove disastrous.  Oh…and the spell requires something which is of personal value to Angel, does anyone have any idea where we might find one?

Silence.

“Ah…I was afraid of that.”

“I’m sorry, Giles, the only things I can think of are the things he gave to Buffy and she never lets them out of her sight,” said Cordelia helplessly.

“Well we must find something and quickly or it will be too late,” said Giles firmly.  “Think everyone, you must draw on everything you know of Angel, everything Buffy ever told you about him.  What, other than Buffy herself, would he value?”

“Draw on…” Willow repeated thoughtfully, “That’s it!  Drawings!  Buffy once told me that Angel used to draw as a kind of emotional release and he drew the things he cared about.  There must be dozens of pictures of Buffy in his apartment and surely one of those would count as something he valued.”

The memory of the drawings Angelus had left as calling cards hovered in the room like the ghost at the feast and Giles’ eyes grew dark with pain but before it could overwhelm him he felt a soft breeze touch his cheek, though the air was still and the windows closed.  The wind seemed to whisper in Jenny’s voice, “Remember what I said.  It wasn’t Angel’s fault, you’ll see that soon.  I’ll always be with you…” the voice faded on the last word and the breeze stopped but Giles was suddenly certain that she was there, that his Jenny was always with him.

Returning his attention to the others he discovered that they were all looking at him sympathetically, clearly aware of where his thoughts had taken him even though they were unaware that Jenny’s ghost was haunting him – in the nicest possible way.  He cleared his throat self-consciously and said, “Um…yes, Angel’s drawings sound ideal for our purpose, unfortunately since leaving home, Buffy has been living in Angel’s old apartment.”

They looked at him in surprise, since Buffy had moved out of her mother’s house they had done everything they could think of to get Giles to reveal where she was staying but she had warned him that if he told anyone she would move and not tell him where.  With that threat hanging over him, he had reluctantly given his word.

Seeing their expressions he gave a small shrug and said simply, “If this works, Buffy will forgive anything and if it doesn’t… If it doesn’t then soon it won’t matter.”  The pain in his eyes left them in no doubt what he meant.  This was their last – their only – chance to help her and if they failed she would die.  They would have no second chances.

“Do we tell Buffy what we’re doing?” asked Oz, breaking the silence, which had fallen.

“Uh…no, no, I don’t think that would be a good idea.” Giles said nervously, “When the portal opens we will be able to see Angel.  Buffy carries enough guilt, there is no need to burden her with the sight of his suffering; a memory I am quite certain she would never be able to forget.

Buffy should soon be here for training so as soon as she arrives I suggest that you go and retrieve the drawings, when you’ve done that go home and sleep.  By midnight she will be patrolling and we can perform the ritual.  Just make sure that you are back here by 11:30 at the very latest to set things up.”

Everyone nodded and sat down to wait for Buffy, the atmosphere in the room more hopeful than it had been for months.

Standing unseen in the stacks, Buffy’s eyes filled with tears.  She had arrived as usual to train with Giles but had stopped to listen when she heard Angel’s name.  As she heard her friends make plans to bring Angel back to her she felt hope for the first time in months, not for herself but for him.  She didn’t believe for one moment that he would forgive her for what she had done to him, first taking his soul and then condemning him to hell just as it was returned, but that didn’t matter.  What mattered was that he would be free.

She remained where she was until she was able to force her emotions back into cold storage and regain her composure, then she stepped out into the library.  Everyone fell silent at the sight of her and after, a long exchange of looks with Giles, they all made their excuses and left the two of them alone to train.

~~~

Willow and Cordelia stood and glared at the locked door of Angel’s apartment.  One of Cordelia’s hairpins protruded from the lock, evidence of their earlier attempts to pick it, which had ended when the pin had somehow managed to get itself stuck, rendering the lock useless even to someone who did have a key.  Kicking it had proved equally futile since the door was well made and none of them were very strong.  Oz had gone to fetch a crowbar from his van, leaving the two girls to curse Angel for not having windows that were big enough for someone to crawl through, their first thought having been to break one and unlock it so that they could enter that way.

By the time Oz returned and they finally succeeded in breaking the lock they had been there for nearly an hour and were becoming increasingly anxious about Buffy’s return.  Even though they knew that she should be training until sundown and would probably then patrol until dawn, none of them could shake the fear that this would be the night she decided to finish early or decided to stop home before patrol and walked in to find them there.  If that were to happen there were afraid that she would disappear into the night and never contact them again.

The three of them stood in the doorway and looked around, reluctant to enter now that they had finally managed to open the door.  None of them had ever been there before but it looked almost exactly as they would have imagined it, not in the specific details but in the way it felt.  The unique blend of dark simplicity and beautiful art and artefacts was quintessentially Angel and it suited him perfectly.

“We don’t have much time,” said Oz, quietly taking charge, “I’ll check the desk and the bookcases next to it, Cordelia, you check the rest of the bookcases, the drawers and the wardrobe and Willow, you check the bedroom.”

Willow and Cordelia nodded their agreement and they moved slowly into the room to begin the search.  Oz began to rifle through Angel’s desk, trying not to think about what he was doing, only why but he had barely begun when Willow called to him and Cordelia and he hurried to join her, his mind automatically registering the details of the room at a glance.

It was bare except for the bed, a bedside table and a beautiful painting of a sunset on the wall.  There were red sheets on the bed and a scruffy-looking toy pig, which had once been pink but was now edging towards grey, was sitting on the pillow.  The little pig should have looked out of place and yet, somehow, it seemed to belong there.  Just as Buffy and Angel belonged together despite the fact that, on the surface, a more mismatched couple could never even have been dreamed of.  The problems of Romeo and Juliet seemed like nothing compared to the obstacles that these two had to overcome.

Willow was sitting on the floor in front of the open door of the bedside table, her eyes full of tears and a sheaf of papers in her hands.  “I’ve found them,” she said softly.

Oz reached out a hand to help her to her feet, “Cool!  Lets get out of here, we can look at them back at the library.”

~~~

Giles sat alone in the library, having sent the others home with instructions to get some sleep and return at half-past eleven.  In front of him was the stack of maybe a dozen drawings that the three teenagers had retrieved from Angel’s apartment.  The others had exclaimed over them at length but he had yet to look at them, afraid of the memories they would stir.  Reluctantly he drew them towards him and looked down at the first picture.

His breath caught in his throat.  Buffy’s face smiled back at him, her eyes glowing with the light that he hadn’t seen in so long.  The one word title summed up the artist’s feelings more eloquently than a sonnet, it said simply: Sunlight.

The style was the same as that of Angelus but somehow this picture bore little resemblance to the ones that the demon had left as calling cards.  As he looked at it Giles felt as though he were being granted a look into Angel’s soul and what he found there was a love greater than any he had ever dreamed of.  Tears burned his eyes and he forced them back as he reluctantly laid it aside and reached for the next one.

Each picture showed Buffy’s face in a different mood and the emotions it inspired in Angel.  The helpless desire to comfort her when she cried, to support her when she was weak, to soothe her when she was angry or upset, to confide in her when she was strong, but it was the last picture of all that was the most powerful.

The moment he saw it, the tears that Giles had been fighting overflowed.  Buffy was looking up, her huge hazel eyes softer than had ever seen them and filled with a glow that he had never seen.  The total love and trust in her expression was unmistakable and his throat tightened as he realised that this was the way that she looked at Angel.  The title said simply: Salvation.

Giles had no idea how long he sat staring at the picture but he gradually became aware of a sense of peace.  The hatred he had harboured against Angel because of what the demon had done was gone.  It wasn’t Angel’s fault, you’ll see that soon.  Jenny’s words came back to him and he realised what she had meant.  No one who saw the love in the drawings could believe that Angel had had any control over the actions of the demon, he would willingly have died to prevent what had occurred. All this time he had been trying to get him back for Buffy’s sake but now he saw that Angel was as much a victim of Angelus as anyone else.   He too was a friend and Giles silently resolved to do anything he could to ease the guilt and pain that he was sure to feel.

Giles felt a gentle pressure on his cheek as though someone had just kissed him, then he felt Jenny’s pride and satisfaction and heard her say softly, “No wonder I fell in love with you.”

~~~

It was time.  The stack of drawings lay in the centre of a pentagram that had been drawn on the floor and above it, just touching the top-most point was a circle into which, if all went correctly, Angel would return.  Giles took a deep breath and glanced round at the others.  Three pairs of eyes looked back at him, their expressions anxious but determined as he lit the candle and began to chant in Latin, the words a simple call for Angel to return home repeated over and over again.  One by one the others stepped forwards and used the flame to light the bunches of herbs that they held while, unseen and unnoticed, Buffy watched anxiously from above.

A bright glow suffused the drawings and gathered into a narrow beam of light.  Like a thread of glowing cotton it stretched to a point in the air about three meters above the centre of the circle where it stopped instead of continuing until it hit the wall.  A swirling vortex, no larger than a penny appeared at the focal point of the beam and slowly began to grow.

When it was about the size of a dinner plate, it stopped and began to flicker, losing substance as it began to contract once more.  They exchanged alarmed looks and Willow said faintly, “It isn’t going to work, the connection isn’t strong enough!”
 

Buffy looked on in despair as Angel’s last hope began to fail and her eyes filled with tears.  She began to slump down against one of the bookcases when a sudden thought snapped her upright again.  She could hear Giles’ voice asking, “What, other than Buffy herself, would Angel value?” and, almost before she completed the thought, she was in motion.

She ran at the banister and executed a perfect flip over it, coming to land in the very centre of the pentagram on top of the glowing pictures.  The others were astonished by her sudden appearance and Willow dropped her herbs but, with great presence of mind, Giles barely faltered before continuing the chanting.

The flickering stopped and the glow expanded to encompass Buffy.  Her skin tingled as though she was suffering from slight sunburn and then she felt a sudden violent cramp in her chest and she went rigid as a great column of light shot from her chest to the vortex.

In seconds it expanded to about a meter in diameter and then it opened, forming a window to a nightmarish world of darkness and pain, fire and demons.  The light arched through the ugly yellow-purple sky and the demons, many larger and more hideous that any on earth, cowered back from it in fear.  Like the zoom lens on a camera the window followed the light, drawing ever closer to its target.

And then, there he was.  Angel.  He hung in chains suspended by nothing; the sword still stuck through his torso and surrounded by demons that laughed as they tormented him with fangs and claws, fire and steel.  His body was a bloody mass of wounds, little skin remaining and his clothes long since destroyed.

Even as they watched in horror, nausea rising within them, a large, slimy demon that was the colour of a week old bruise, touched a flaming torch to his side.  Angel’s body was engulfed in flames, yet he remained whole.  The relief of turning to dust and having the pain end was denied him and he writhed in agony, screaming Buffy’s name.  Then the light emanating from Buffy surrounded him and the flames died.  The light also touched the demons closest to Angel and they screamed as their flesh melted away like ice cream on a hot day, while the rest cringed in panic and then turned to run.

The chains around Angel’s wrists fell away but before he could crumple to the ground the light enfolded him like a blanket, glowing so brightly that he could not be seen within, and carried him back towards the window, retracing its path across the brutal landscape.

When the glowing bundle that was Angel touched the window there was a blinding flash, then the vortex disappeared and Angel tumbled to the ground, stark naked and shaking but otherwise physically unharmed.   At the same moment, the candle they had lit at the beginning of the ritual flared brightly and went out and as it did, Giles ended the chant.  The beam of light had vanished with the vortex but the glow around Buffy and Angel lingered.

Shock that they had been successful held everyone motionless for a moment, then Angel slowly raised his head and the spell was broken.  Cordelia and Willow both dropped the herbs they were holding and turned away to be violently sick, while Oz grabbed the blanket that he used when it was his ‘time of the month’ and draped it over Angel’s naked form.

He didn’t appear to notice his attention focused upon the small blonde girl who remained unmoving in the pentagram.  “Buffy?” he questioned brokenly.

At the sound of his voice the glow surrounding them vanished and Buffy crumpled to the ground like a puppet whose strings had been cut.

~~~

Before the others even realised what had happened, Angel was at her side, the blanket falling unnoticed from his shoulders as he moved.  Heedless of his nudity, he cradled her motionless form against him and gently stroked the matted hair away from her too-thin face as he called her name.

Buffy’s lashes trembled against her pale cheeks and her eyes opened slowly.  For a moment they remained unfocused, empty, then they locked with Angel’s and slowly filled with tears, which overflowed and ran down her cheeks in a steady, silent, stream that he tenderly wiped away.

“Angel,” she said, her voice so quiet that, close as he was, he could hardly hear it, “it worked.”  Her gaze slid past him for a moment, to where the others stood watching, “Thank you…for giving him justice.”

With a great effort, Buffy raised her arm and gently pressed her hand against Angel’s cold cheek.  “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…for everything.”  He started to speak but a soft brush of her thumb against his lips silenced him.  “Be happy, Angel, despite what you think, no one deserves it more.”  Her arm fell back to her side as her strength failed and her last words were little more than a sigh as her eyes closed, “I love you…always.”

Angel’s chocolate brown eyes were filled with tears as he bent and pressed a soft kiss to her forehead, listening to the reassuring surge of her blood flowing beneath her skin as he did so.  The sound was weaker than he had ever heard it but it remained steady and as long as it continued he knew that there was hope.  “What’s done this to you, Beloved?” he asked quietly, “How can I help?”

“Why don’t you bring her into the office and I’ll explain.”

Giles’ voice startled him, he had forgotten that the others were there, but after a moment he nodded and lifted his precious burden in his arms.  He carried her carefully into Giles’ office and laid her down on the sofa, touching her face gently before reluctantly turning away to face the others.

“Welcome back,” said Giles with a small smile.

At his words everything that Angel had pushed aside in his concern for Buffy came rushing back and his eyes filled with horrified memory, “Oh, God!  Giles…Jenny…I… Oh dear God, what have I done?”

“Nothing!” said Willow firmly, “It wasn’t you and the demon’s gone forever, you can never lose your soul again!”

“I am the demon!  The two of us are the same!”

“You know that’s not true,” Giles told him, “A monster could never love anyone the way that you love Buffy.  Your soul is what makes you who you are, you can hardly be blamed for what your body does during it’s absence any more than anyone else who is possessed.”

“I don’t understand…why don’t you want me dead after everything I’ve done?  How can you even bear to look at me?”

“Well it would be a whole lot easier if you’d put some clothes on!” said Cordelia tartly.

Angel glanced down at himself, noticing his unclothed state for the first time, and would have blushed if he’d been able.  He gave Oz a grateful look when he handed him the blanket, which he immediately wrapped around his waist.

Willow, who’d been desperately trying to pretend that she hadn’t noticed his nudity, or been staring at the impressive expanse of male flesh that was on view, was blushing enough for everyone as she slipped out of the room.  A few seconds later she was back, holding a bundle of clothes, which she held out towards him saying,  “I…I brought these from your apartment in case you needed them and you clearly do so…here.”

Despite themselves everyone smiled at Willow’s obvious embarrassment and Oz gave her a reassuring hug as they all exchanged glances and then left the office so that Angel could dress.

~~~

As they came back in, Cordelia walked straight over to where a now fully-dressed Angel was perched on the edge of the sofa, holding one of Buffy’s hands in his, and gave him a hug.  Then she pulled back to look into his astonished face and said simply, “I’m glad that you’re back to being…you…again.  We’ve missed you.”

The others nodded in agreement and, at Angel’s still stupefied expression, Giles said gently, “If you’re looking for guilt, Angel, you’ll not find it here, you’re as much a victim of all this as any of us.”

Angel nodded, unable to speak past the confused tangle of hope, despair & gratitude that filled his unbeating heart but one thing outweighed all others within him and after a moment he said hoarsely, “Thank you…for your friendship but now please…tell me what’s wrong with Buffy?  She looks like she hasn’t eaten in months but I can’t have been…gone…more than a couple of hours.”

“Well…er…it’s, it’s a long story but you’ve actually been away for almost six months, Angel.”

“Six months?  I always understood that the time difference in the demon dimensions worked the other way.”

“It does, but the spell we used to retrieve you creates a temporal fold within the dimension and returns to roughly the point at which you arrived so instead of more than a thousand years...”

“I was only gone for a couple of hours.”  He shuddered at the thought of the fate he had so narrowly escaped, and his eyes darkened in memory of the pain he had so recently endured.  Unconsciously his unoccupied hand came up to rub the place in his torso where the sword had been.

The significance of the action wasn’t lost on any of his watchers and Willow burst out anxiously, “Buffy didn’t have a choice, she couldn’t help it!”

Startled, Angel looked up at her and his hand dropped as he realised what he was doing, “I know that, Willow, there was nothing else she could have done.  She saved the world and I’m proud of her for it.”

“Yes, well, Buffy doesn’t see it that way, in her own mind she betrayed you and she can’t even begin to forgive herself for that.  She lost everything that night, her world was utterly destroyed and she ran away.”  Giles informed him sadly.

“What do you…?” he broke off abruptly, his hand going to the pulse at Buffy’s throat to confirm what his senses had already told him, “Buffy!  BUFFY!”  He looked up at Giles, his expression anguished, and said urgently, “We have to get her to a hospital, her pulse is erratic and it’s getting weaker!”

“We can take her in my car,” Cordelia offered, “It’s fastest.”

“It won’t hold us all, the two of you go, the rest of us will follow in the van.” Oz said.

Everyone nodded; Cordelia ran to start the car while Angel lifted Buffy carefully into his arms and ran after her, as surefooted as a cat, despite his burden.

~~~

They must have broken over a dozen traffic laws during the short journey and they reached the hospital in record time.  Angel sat tensely in the back seat, oblivious to Cordelia's driving, curling his body protectively over Buffy's as if to shield her from the world, holding her tightly against him as he pleaded with her to hold on and not leave him now.

He had the door open almost before the car came to a complete stop and by the time Cordelia had shut off the ignition he was already running for the Emergency Room with Buffy's limp form still clasped securely against his heart.

~~~

Angel paced the small waiting room like a caged panther, unable to settle for even a moment.  It was nearly three hours since the doctors had carried Buffy away from him and not being able to be with her or help in any way while she was in trouble was driving him crazy.

The others sat watching him prowl, taking it in turns to go for the sludge that the hospital called coffee.  While they waited they had filled him in on the events of the past six months and his soul ached with pain and guilt at what his love had endured.  At the same time there was a touch of awe that, despite his dark past, the demon that was a integral part of him and the flawed, imperfect nature of his existance, there was something inside him that, though he was unable to see it, could inspire such deep and abiding love in someone as special as Buffy.

A sound from outside froze him in his tracks and he swung to face the door like a predator sensing its prey.  Following his lead the others also looked round and a moment later, the door opened and an exhausted-looking doctor stepped in.

“Is one of you Rupert Giles?”

“Er…yes…yes, I am.”

The doctor held out his hand and Giles shook it automatically. “I’m Dr. Burns, Miss Summers had you listed as her emergency contact and guardian.”

They gathered around him anxiously as Giles asked the question that was foremost on everyone’s mind, “How is she, doctor?”

His face grave, Dr Burns shook his head slightly and said, “Not good I’m afraid.  Buffy is suffering from severe malnutrition and dehydration.  Just after being admitted she awoke and became very agitated before going into cardiac arrest.  We've managed to restart her heart but her pulse is dangerously weak and since then she’s slipped into a coma.  I’m afraid that there’s nothing more we can do now except wait and pray that she comes out of it.  She must be very strong, I’m at a loss to explain how she’s even alive but in all honesty there's little chance that she'll recover.

He paused for a moment to give his words time to sink in and then added gently, "She was carrying a request that she not be put on life-support but since, legally, she’s still a minor, that decision is yours.”

As Giles frowned, torn between his own instinctive agreement and Buffy’s wishes, the doctor held out a small, folded piece of paper, saying as he did so, “This was attached to her request, it doesn’t seem to make any sense but maybe it means something to you.”

Giles looked at it for a second before taking it reluctantly, some instinct warning him that he wouldn’t like what he read.  For a moment he looked down at his name, written in Buffy’s familiar script, before unfolding it and reading the single line written within.  His vision blurred as tears filled his eyes and with a shaking hand he turned to show it to Angel and the others.  As soon as he had read it, Angel’s eyes met his and he nodded reluctantly.  Turning back to the doctor, Giles said, almost inaudibly, “Do as she asked – no life-support.”

Suppressing his curiosity about the meaning of the cryptic note and it’s effect on it’s intended readers, Dr Burns nodded and decided not to argue, sensing that it would be futile.

Still clutching Buffy’s note in her hand, Willow lifted her head from where she was crying against Oz’s shoulder and asked brokenly, “W…when Buffy woke up earlier…did…did she say anything – anything at all?”

“Nothing coherent I’m afraid,” Burns told her regretfully, “she kept calling out for ‘her Angel’ and became quite frantic when she couldn’t find one.”

What sounded like a muffled growl made him jump and he turned just in time to see a swirl of black disappear through the doors faster than he would have believed possible.

“Uh…what was that?” he asked slightly nervously, suddenly remembering all the strange deaths and injuries he had worked on during the three years he had been at Sunnydale hospital.

A faint suggestion of a smile touched Cordelia’s lips and she said simply, “That was the Angel.”

Seeing Burns’ confused expression, Oz took pity on him and explained, “It’s his name – Angel.”

“Maybe I should have someone go after him,” he said as understanding dawned, “This is a large hospital, he’ll probably have difficulty finding her.”

“It’s all right,” said Giles as Willow, Oz & Cordelia all shook their heads.  “If you could just take us to Buffy I’m quite sure that Angel will already be with her.”

“If you say so,” he agreed, reflecting silently that someone would find Angel wondering around lost, and would direct him back to where he needed to be, “If you’d like to follow me I’ll show you to Buffy’s room.”

Oz reached for Willow’s hand as they fell in step behind him and as she took it a piece of paper fluttered to the ground.

It read simply ‘and the next one’s called’.

~~~

To Dr. Burns’ surprise, when he pushed open the door to Buffy’s room it was to discover a large man dressed entirely in black seated in an uncomfortable plastic chair by her side.  The fragile-looking hand of the small blonde was clasped in both his and he was murmuring softly to her, his voice a loving rumble that reminded those who heard it of the of some great cat purring lovingly to its mate.

Angel seemed completely unaware that there was anyone else in the room as he focused on Buffy but an air of protective menace emanated from him, a silent warning that anyone who wished her harm would have to go though him to do it.  Though he paid no attention to her, the nurse checking Buffy’s vital signs had clearly recognised that he could be dangerous and every few seconds she darted a wary glance in his direction before continuing her work.  When the doctor spoke to her she jumped and dropped the clipboard she had been holding, blushing when he frowned disapprovingly at her.

The others hardly noticed the by-play as they moved forwards as one to stand around the bed.  The sight of Buffy, who had always been so strong, so alive, lying so still and looking so frail, her face nearly as pale as the sheets on which she lay, shook them to the core.  The doctor's earlier words about her chances, though shocking, had been filtered though the certain knowledge that there were things about Buffy that he could not possibly either know or understand and it was only now that their full impact hit home.  The steady beeping of the machines and the almost imperceptible rise and fall of her chest were the only evidence that she was alive at all and for the first time they realised that they might have been too late - that she might die even though Angel had returned.

“If you should have any questions the nurses station is outside and to the left.” Dr Burns told them, and then he and the nurse quietly left them alone with their friend.

For a long time they stood and watched her, afraid to look away lest that somehow be the trigger that ended her life.  The only sounds that could be heard in the room were the electronic noises of the machines and the continued rumble of Angel’s voice as he spoke to her, too quietly for anyone to distinguish his words.

At last Willow said tearfully, her eyes never leaving Buffy’s face, “I don’t understand why this happened.  The spell was supposed to draw on Angel’s connection to Buffy and the love between them; it shouldn’t have taken anything directly from either of them so why did she collapse?  What did we do wrong?”

“We didn’t do anything wrong, Willow,” Giles told her, his tone both sympathetic and sad, “The spell performed exactly as it should have but what Buffy did far surpassed its intended boundaries.”

Willow’s face twisted in confusion but before she could speak Cordelia spoke for all of them, “Huh?”

“The spell we cast was intended to simply retrieve Angel and heal his wounds,” Giles explained, taking of his glasses and absently beginning to clean them as he slipped automatically into ‘lecture mode’.
“There was no element of vengeance involved in the basic spell, indeed, such an element would be virtually impossible to incorporate due to the immense power that it would require from the link in order to harm demons within their own dimension from this one.”

Oz looked thoughtful and asked slowly, “So you’re saying that when those demons…melted…the power for that didn’t come from the spell it came from…”

“Buffy.” Giles confirmed.  “Her emotional reaction to the sight of what was being done to Angel appears to have been so strong that she was able to transmit her desire to protect and punish through the link.”  He shook his head in awe, “The emotional bond between the two of them is…quite unique.  Their devotion to one another made this possible but it would still have required tremendous strength, both mental and physical, all of which had to come directly from Buffy.  Such a drain would have been risky even if she had been in peak condition but in her dangerously weakened state it must have drained the last of her reserves and pushed her body – and possibly her mind as well – beyond the limits of what she could endure.”

The tensing of Angel’s shoulders and a slight break in his voice were the only sign that he had heard Giles’ words but, without taking his eyes off Buffy, his head tilted to hear the reply when Cordelia asked sadly, “Isn’t there anything we can do?”

“Nothing except what Angel’s doing already; talking to her, letting her know that we love her and don’t want to lose her.  Other than that all we can do is wait…and pray that she has the strength and the desire to come back to us.”

~~~

They waited for hours, taking it in turns to fetch the coffee and to sit by her side.  Angel remained where he was, holding her hand tightly in his as he continued his loving monologue.  The others mostly remained silent, acknowledging that if they hadn't been enough to make her want to live while she was conscious, they had little chance of reaching her now.  They all knew that if anyone were to reach her it would be Angel; the voice of the man she loved was the only thing in the world that could inspire Buffy to return from the darkness to which she had retreated.  So they stood guard, watching over her; sometimes quietly reminiscing about the times, both good and bad, that they had spent together as they tried not to think what their lives would be like without her.

Periodically the nurse would come by on her rounds and once a doctor stopped by and asked pointed questions in an almost accusing tone about how it was that she had been allowed to get into such a weakened condition, if anyone had ever tried to get her treated for anorexia or depression and if they knew how she had come by the numerous shallow cuts on her body – cuts that, had he but known it, would have been deep gashes on anyone without Buffy’s remarkable healing abilities.

Angel knew nothing except Buffy, his very being pulsed in time with rhythm of her heart and lungs.  The electronic beep of the machines monitoring her life were nothing but background noise, almost inaudible compared with the soft sigh of her breathing that echoed in his ears, reassuring him that she hadn’t left him alone.
 

He nearly snarled when someone touched him on the shoulder, resenting anything that drew his attention away from her but, instinctively recognising Giles, he swallowed the impulse and asked curtly, without taking his eyes of Buffy, “What is it?”

Giles swallowed, knowing that what he was about to say would not be well received but he had been pacing back and forth between the window and the bed for some time now and the situation was becoming urgent.

“The sun’s going to rise soon, Angel.  You have to get to shelter, there are too many windows in this room for you to avoid the daylight.”

Angel’s eyes flashed yellow as he impaled Giles on an angry glare before returning his gaze to Buffy, “I’m not leaving.” he said flatly, though he knew deep down that what Giles said was true.  The room was built on the corner of the hospital and the large windows in two of the walls meant that light came in not only from the East but the South as well.  There was nowhere that he could hide as the blinds were ill fitting and there was no way to guarantee that they remained closed with doctors and nurses coming in and out of the room but even so, he refused to leave for fear that Buffy’s tenuous hold on life should fade away in his absence.

The others added their voices to Giles in urging him to leave but it wasn’t until Cordelia exploded that he gave way to the inevitable.

“Dammit Angel!  What do you think is going to happen if Buffy wakes up and finds a large pile of dust resting devotedly by her bed?  If you aren’t alive then it won’t matter if she wakes up or not because either way she’ll die!  Were you even listening when we told you about the last few months?”

His face twisted with anguish, Angel looked up at her for a long moment and then nodded.  Getting to his feet with great reluctance he gently stroked Buffy’s lank, blonde hair before bending down to press a whisper soft kiss against her thin, pale cheek and murmur softly, “Don’t leave me, beloved, I’ll be back tonight.”

Slowly he straitened and turned to look pleadingly at the others.

Correctly interpreting the silent request Giles said quietly, “We’ll call you the moment anything changes.”

Unable to speak, Angel nodded his thanks and turned to leave.  Just as he reached the door he was halted by Giles voice, “Wait!”  Turning he saw that Giles had opened the locker containing Buffy’s things and was rummaging in the pockets of her jacket – his jacket.  With a sound of triumph, Giles held out a key.  When Angel made no move to take it he explained, “Buffy’s been staying at your apartment.  She’d want you to go there and I have the number so if there’s any news I can call you.”

“Thankyou,” he said hoarsely as he took the key and, with a final lingering glance at Buffy, he turned and left the room.  The last thing he heard was Willow saying, “Uh, Giles…  He didn’t need that key, we kinda broke the lock getting in to find those drawings for the spell…”

~~~

The first light of dawn was just touching the horizon as Angel slipped down through a manhole just outside the hospital and made his way along the familiar tunnels to his old apartment.

His shoulders bowed by grief and exhaustion, Angel pushed open the broken door to the apartment and entered without looking round.  Closing the door behind him he turned to face the room and stopped in surprise.

He didn’t know what he had expected when Giles had told him that Buffy had been living there but it wasn’t what he saw.  He had been gone for months yet the apartment looked as though he had stepped out only a few minutes before.  Everything remained where he had left it but there was no dust and the glass case containing his statue of Buddha gleamed as though it had been recently polished.

Here and there he could see small signs of Buffy’s presence; her hairbrush on the desk, a T-shirt thrown over the chair but they were clearly temporary and it was obvious that everything of his had been lovingly preserved exactly as he had left it.  The bedroom was the same; only a familiar pink pig, sitting amongst the rumpled sheets and a large duffle bag full of clothes showed that she had been there at all.

Yet the sweet fragrance that was uniquely hers permeated the air and Angel moved forwards to sit on the edge of the bed where the scent was strongest, savouring the sense of being close to her that it gave him.  Without thinking about it he picked up the little toy pig and lay down on his side, holding it tightly in both hands as he silently cursed his nature for making it impossible for him to stay with her throughout the daylight hours.  His head knew that Giles and the others were with her and would call him if there was even the slightest change but his heart insisted that he should be with her and twisted painfully inside him at the memory of how small and frail she had looked as she lay in the hospital bed surrounded by monitors.

Despite his desire to stay awake in case Giles called, the strain and trauma of everything that had happened had taken their toll on him and his eyes drifted closed as sleep arrived to claim him…

~~~

Angel was dreaming.  He knew that was the only explanation for the fact that he was standing in the centre of a large meadow with the sun shining above him and doing nothing more than warming his face.  The problem was that it didn’t feel like a dream, in fact, if Buffy had been with him instead of fighting for her life in a hospital bed, it would have felt like his idea of heaven.

“But she is with you.” A familiar voice said from behind him, “no matter how far apart, the two of you are always together.”

Angel’s shoulders tensed and he turned slowly, afraid to believe what his ears were telling him.  There, standing before him with a smile on her face, was Jenny Calendar.

“Hello, Angel,” she said, as if they were simply old acquaintances who had bumped into each other unexpectedly, instead of murderer and victim.

“You are not my murderer, Angel,” said Jenny in answer to his dark thoughts, “it was the demon who took my life and this is a place that the soulless and the truly evil may never enter - to them, it appears quite different.”

At her words, Angel suddenly realised that the demon he had carried within him for so long was gone.  For the first time in a hundred years, he was alone in his own mind, except...   There was something calling to him, a sirens song that sounded within him, urging him to follow until he found its source.  There was nothing in the world that he wanted to do more but with effort he turned his attention back to Jenny and asked, “Where are we?  Am I dead?”

She shook her head, “We are in the world between realms.  Where those whose souls have unbreakable ties or unfinished business on Earth come to wait.  You are alive but what you seek is here.”

“What I seek…?  Buffy!  Buffy’s here?  You mean she’s…dead?”

“Not yet, but her will to return is gone.  Without that…she will soon die.  You must heal each other and I am here to aid you in that purpose.”

“How can I find her?”

“You know how.  Your souls cry out to one another, simply follow the call and you will find her.”

“Thank you,” Angel said sincerely, before closing his eyes and turning his vision inwards to focus on the location of the call within him.  When he had the direction fixed in his mind he opened his eyes once more and was disoriented to discover that the scenery around him had changed.  Instead of the meadow he was standing on the edge of a cliff looking out over the ocean as the early light of dawn broke over the horizon, its reflection shimmering on the waves.

Soft laughter alerted him to the fact that Jenny was still with him and as he looked questioningly at her she explained, “This is not a physical realm, Angel, what we think, is.”

Angel hardly heard her; his attention was suddenly riveted to the small, blonde figure that was standing further down on the very edge of the cliff at the tip of the peninsular, looking out at the sea.

“Buffy!” he breathed, the name almost a prayer, before he started to run towards her.

As he drew nearer to her she turned to face him and his steps slowed.  Even here, she looked ill and fragile.  Her eyes were huge and tormented in her gaunt face.  She had gasped his name at the sight of him and for a moment, life flooded her features before draining away once more, leaving behind nothing but pain as the guilt once again surged through her.

Angel too, was silent.  The sight of her reminding of everything that he had done to cause her pain and guilt choked the words of love that he was longing to say.

“I’m so sorry!” they said together in once voice.

“It wasn’t your fault, if I hadn’t…”

“You didn’t do anything wrong, I shouldn’t have…”

Silence reigned once more, each believed that they were to blame for all that pain that the other had endured.  No words were going to convince them otherwise and the guilt they felt denied them the right to speak of the love between them.

Neither of them even noticed Jenny’s approach until she gave an exasperated sigh and reached out to lay the palm of one hand over each of their hearts, saying as she did so, “See though each others hearts!”

A sudden bolt of lightening split the clear sky and Buffy and Angel each felt a violent wrench as their worlds shifted.

Each of them knew who they were but all at once Buffy was also Angel and Angel was also Buffy and they could suddenly feel how the other felt.

It was like looking in an emotional mirror; the same black worm of self-hatred dwelled within each of them, eating away at their souls, tainting their every thought and feeling with the guilt of what they believed they had done.

And yet, as they saw their crimes through the others eyes, there was no blame, no hatred, only sorrow for the pain that they had endured and the purest, most unshakeable love that either of them had ever imagined.

As suddenly as it had begun, the transfer ended.  Without a word, Angel held out his arms to Buffy and she fell into them with a sob.  The world around them faded into the background and they knew nothing but each other as they said together, just before their lips met, “I love you.”

When the kiss finally ended Buffy’s appearance had changed, the happiness she felt translating into a body that was positively glowing with health. Together they turned to face Jenny, still holding each other tightly.

Buffy gasped as she realised who it was standing before them and she said sadly, “I’m so sorry for the way I treated you.  All you ever did was try to help us and I…”

“No, Buffy,” Jenny interrupted gently, “You had the right to be angry.  Let the guilt go now; all is forgiven among true friends.  Neither of you was to blame for my death and I hope it gives you peace to know that I am happy here and that I watch over you when I can.”

Reluctantly stepping away from Angel’s side, Buffy enfolded her in a warm hug, “Thank you!” she said fervently.

“You’re welcome,” she said with a smile, “Now, I imagine that the two of you have a great deal to talk about and want to be alone together, I’ll come back and say goodbye before you leave.”

Buffy and Angel looked at each other and smiled but they didn’t dispute her assumption, they simply looked at her with gratitude and then mild surprise as she started to fade from view.

Her final words just before she vanished were, “You should leave here by sunset, Buffy’s body is weak and if you delay too long then she may not be able to return.”

They nodded, accepting the seriousness of her warning, and the next moment she was gone.

~~~

They talked for hours, sitting on the edge of the cliff wrapped in each other’s arms they spoke about all the things they had never quite dared to mention before.  About the love they felt for one another, the loneliness they felt when they were apart, their hopes and fears and dreams and the future they wanted to spend together.  And they talked about the pain they had endured, savouring the freedom to talk openly about everything that had happened, secure in the absolute certainty that there would be no blame, just understanding and love.

There was an honesty between them that was unlike anything that either of them had ever known, an acceptance of all the things that they had never been able to share for fear they would be misunderstood or rejected, and with the sharing of their innermost souls came peace.  The guilt that each of them felt over the events of the past faded, not gone, it would never be gone, but softened so that it was no longer an ever present torment that cut deep each time they closed their eyes.  Instead it was banished to the past where it belonged, a source of deep regret but no longer of anguish.

It was with some surprise that they heard Jenny’s voice and noticed the lengthening shadows around them.  The day had passed them by unnoticed as they talked and it was with reluctance that they got to their feet and moved towards her.

“I’m sorry,” she said sincerely, “but it’s time for you to go now.”  She embraced them both and she and Buffy both had tears in their eyes when they parted, “Goodbye for now, I’ll see you again but not for many, many years I hope.”  Blinking her tears away she forced herself to return to business, “Angel, just imagine yourself waking up back in your apartment and you’ll be returned there.”

“What about Buffy…?  How does she?”

Before Jenny could speak Buffy said, “Just call me, I'll come as soon as I know that you're beside me.”

A slight frown creased Angel’s brow, “If that’s all there is to it then why didn’t you come before?”

“Because I’d given up.  I didn’t believe that there was anything left for me, couldn’t believe that you’d be able to forgive me, so I’d drawn into myself.  I didn’t hear you calling, didn’t know anything except my own despair.”

Angel kissed her tenderly, a kiss of dedication not passion, and then drew back to say softly, “I’ll never leave you.  No matter what, my soul is always with yours.”

~~~

Angel’s eyes snapped open and he jerked upright, going from sleeping to waking in an instant.  The demon was within him once more, though it seemed oddly distant, and everything he had just experienced could easily have been nothing more substantial than a dream but the sense of peace and happiness remained and he knew, with the same certainty he reserved for his love of Buffy, that it was not.

The thick blinds were drawn over the windows but an instinct honed by over 200 years of fearing the light told him that the sun would not set for another half hour and he imagined that since the world between realms was formed of their thoughts, the setting sun had been no more than a signal that their time was running short.  Unable to wait he grabbed his coat, left the apartment and carefully made his way into the sewers.  When he reached the access closest to the hospital he waited impatiently until the sun sank far enough below the horizon to cause him no more than slight discomfort and then quickly made his way to the room where Buffy lay.

Giles, Willow, Cordelia and Oz had all drawn up chairs around Buffy’s bed during the course of the long day and the three teenagers were slumped in their seats, fast asleep.  The numerous empty cups testified to the amount of bad coffee that they had consumed but in the end it had proved insufficient.

Only Giles looked up when Angel opened the door and when he saw who it was he got wearily to his feet and said quietly, his voice heavy with grief, “Nothing’s changed, the doctors don’t hold out much hope that she’ll ever wake up.”

“You’re wrong, Giles,” Angel said softly without looking at him, his attention riveted on Buffy, “everything’s changed.”

Ignoring Giles’ confusion, he moved aside the chair that the Watcher had vacated and took one of Buffy’s hands in his.  “Buffy,” he said insistently, his voice loud enough to wake the others, “Buffy, I’m here now.  Come back to me, come on, come back to me.  Open your eyes and look at me!”

The others looked on sadly at what seemed to them to be Angel’s futile attempt to reach his love but their sorrow turned to disbelief and then to joy when Buffy’s eyelids flickered and her hand tightened around Angel’s.  Everyone held their breath and Angel continued to call her to him, afraid to make a sound lest they disturb the miracle.

The beeping of the monitors grew louder as her vital signs grew stronger and Angel bent down to press his lips gently against hers.  At first she lay passive beneath his kiss but then her mouth worked under his as she responded and when he finally drew back so that she could breathe, the others saw that her eyes were open and aware as she looked up at Angel with a smile of pure love.

“Welcome back, Beloved,” Angel murmured with a smile.

Reaching up, Buffy wrapped her arms around him and said softly, “Welcome home, Angel.”

They held each other for a long moment and then, as he straightened, Buffy glanced past him at their friends and said with a smile as she reached out towards them with both arms wide, “Hi, Guys, are you just going to stand there?”

That was all it took and an instant later she was swamped within a massive group hug.  Angel stood off to the side at first but then Buffy and Cordelia reached out at the same moment and yanked him forwards until he too was engulfed in the happy mass of bodies.

A sudden bright glow broke them apart and they turned to see the glowing form of Jenny Calendar standing in the corner of the room.

Buffy and Angel smiled at the sight of her while everyone else gasped in awe.

“Jenny!” exclaimed Giles brokenly.

“Hello, Rupert,” she said gently, “I am here to say goodbye.”

“Goodbye?  But why are you…?”

“You no longer requre my guidence; the hatred engendered by my death is gone, the sins of my people amended, my task in this world is now completed and I may ascend.  Don’t mourn for me, I am happy and we shall all meet again when the time is right.  Please remember that I love you and let go of the pain, you deserve to live a long and happy life before you follow me.”

Giles’ eyes were filled with tears but he was smiling as he nodded, “I love you too, Jenny, I’m glad that I got the chance to tell you that.”

“I know, I always knew.”  She looked round at the rest of the group, “Be happy, all of you,” her gaze settled on Buffy and Angel and she said, “The path you follow will ever be difficult but you possess the rarest of all loves, the bond of true soulmates.  Cherish the love between you for it is unique and will carry you through all adversity.

“Thank you, Jenny,” said Angel, speaking for both of them, “without you, this would never have been possible.”

“Just be happy together, that’s all the thanks that I require.”  She stepped forwards and wrapped her glowing arms around Giles and kissed him passionately before stepping back.  The glow around her brightened for a moment and then she was gone, leaving Giles with a dazed expression in his eyes and a dopey grin on his face.

For a moment silence reigned as they looked round at each other and smiled, then Buffy moved to get up and in the process disconnected herself from one of the monitors, which began shrieking an alarm and brought several doctors running.

~~~

From the moment she opened her eyes, Buffy’s recovery was so rapid that it baffled doctors.  Medical staff from all over the hospital found excuses to come and peer at the medical miracle in their midst.  By all medical reasoning she shouldn’t have been alive let alone awake, and since she was awake, she should have been so weak that she could barely move yet within twenty-four hours she was virtually impossible to keep in bed and agitating to leave.  Angel was able to persuade her to stay one more night for observation but after he left in the morning it wasn’t long before Giles conceded defeat and signed her out of the hospital.

The doctors muttered warningly against it but they could offer no valid reason for her to stay and Giles and the others paid them no mind, believing – correctly – that the most effective medicine Buffy could have was a large dose of Angel’s company, something that she could get more readily at home without sunlight and doctors constantly chasing him away from her side.

It was just before midday when the paperwork had finally been dealt with and Buffy stood on the pavement outside the hospital, surrounded by her friends, breathing deeply to rid her lungs of the lingering scent of antiseptic. Giles, Willow, Cordelia and Oz looked at her in delight, she was still so thin as to be little more than a walking skeleton but compared with the life that filled her eyes it was barely noticeable and she was positively glowing with happiness.

The empty shell they had watched and worried about for so long was finally gone and Buffy, their Buffy, was back.

Giles had offered to drive her home but the other’s had all wanted to be there when she left the hospital so when they drove off in the direction of the apartment, where Angel was waiting impatiently for them to arrive, it was with an honour guard of Cordelia’s shiny red sports car in front and Oz’s van behind.

~~~

After a single teasing comment from Buffy about the decrepit state of Giles’ car, the short journey was made in silence, each lost in their own thoughts.  Giles’ heart had swelled at the sound of her laughter and he kept shooting glances in her direction as he reflected that he would never again be able to take her ability to find happiness and laughter in the small things of life for granted.

As they pulled up outside the apartment, he removed the key from the ignition and was about to get out of the car when a light touch on his arm stopped him.  Turning to look at her he was shocked to see tears in her eyes but before he could grow too concerned she gave him a tremulous smile, which  reassured him that nothing was seriously wrong.

“I…I just wanted to thank you,” she said softly, “for always being there.”

“I don’t…  I didn't...” Giles began, then broke off and said simply, “You’re welcome.”

Despite the rather awkward confines of the car, Buffy reached out and gave him a hug, holding him so tightly that he thought for a moment that his ribcage might buckle under the pressure but he wouldn’t have complained for the world.  A few seconds later she released him and wiped her eyes with a sniff, before glancing through the windscreen and saying with a little laugh, “We should go.  The others seem to be wondering what’s going on.”

Somewhat to Giles’ surprise, there were no questions about what had transpired in the car, though that could have been because the moment Buffy got out her gaze flew to the shadows near the entry to the building and she gave a joyful squeal before hurling herself into the arms of the tall figure who had been standing there unnoticed.

Laughing, Angel swung her up into his arms, holding her tightly against him as his head bent to hers and their lips met in a passionate kiss.

The others stood watching, transfixed by a combination of the tender scene before them and Angel’s laughter – a sound that none of them had ever heard before.  They knew that they should look away, that this was a private moment, but the love between the couple seemed to almost light the air around them with a glow so beautiful it was almost painful to look at, even as it was impossible to resist.

When Angel at last raised his head, Buffy was breathless and both wore slightly dazed expressions.  For a moment he pressed his forehead against hers as they struggled to regain their composure, then, remembering the others, he invited them to come inside before turning to lead the way still carrying Buffy, who seemed content to remain in his arms, though she had fought against being treated as an invalid by anyone else.

~~~

The sat in the small living room – Oz, Cordelia & Willow on the couch, Buffy & Angel in the single armchair and Giles on the chair he had moved from its place by the desk – and after talking about nothing in particular for a short time, by silent agreement the subject turned to the events of the past few days.  Those who had not been there were keen to hear everything Buffy and Angel could remember about the world between realms and their encounter with Jenny there.

For the first time, Giles found that he was able to speak of her without the pain of her loss overwhelming him, her visit having laid to rest the final ghosts about the way she had died, leaving only a haunting regret for what might have been.  For the first time since her death they began to reminisce about the past, the too-brief time they had known her and everything that had happened in their lives since Buffy first moved to Sunnydale, smiling as they remembered the good times that they had spent together.

It was strange, in retrospect, how many things came under the heading of ‘good times’.  The battles they had fought together had been hard and frequently terrifying but those events, and particularly the last few days, had forged a bond between them that could never be broken.

Inevitably, as they talked about the past, Xander’s name was mentioned, casting a shadow over the previously happy group.  Silence threatened to engulf them but Giles refused to allow it, knowing that it gave him a power and significance that he did not deserve.  Slowly, hesitantly, they began to talk about his betrayal and the feeling of pain, anger and disbelief that it had triggered in all of them.

At one point Angel tried to apologise for having been the catalyst that had driven the previously close friends apart but the moment he did everyone spoke at once in their determination to point out that no true friend would have acted as Xander had done, regardless of his personal animosity towards Angel.

With the benefit of hindsight, they all agreed that they should have recognised how deeply his hatred for Angel ran by the way he had almost gloated about the fact of Angelus’s return, seemingly unconcerned by Buffy’s pain, as he used it as evidence that he had been right all along.

For the most part, Buffy remained silent as they talked, content to simply sit and listen from her comfortable position on Angel’s lap, feeling that there was little she could add to the discussion.  The knowledge of Xander’s betrayal had come at a time when her already overburdened emotions could stand no more.  His treachery had been a single drop of pain in an ocean of agony, which, after her initial fury had burned itself out, had become insignificant as her spirit broke under the weight of the burden she carried.  Now that Angel had returned to her side where he belonged and her soul was whole once more, she found that she could no longer bring herself to care about Xander.  He was nothing, not worth the effort of hating and she refused to allow him to poison her newfound joy with bitterness.

And so she told the others when they all looked at her after Angel, concerned by her silence, asked quietly if she was all right.  She was rewarded by the tightening of his arms around her and the smiles of agreement – if not yet acceptance – from everyone else.  Then, changing the subject, she announced to everyone’s great delight, “I don’t know about the rest of you but I’m starved!  What have we got to eat around here?”

The answer, as it turned out, was ‘very little’ except the blood that Giles had provided for Angel.  In the end they ordered take-out and a party atmosphere developed as they celebrated Buffy and Angel’s return with pizza, soft drinks and, after a quick trip to the store by Oz and Willow, a plentiful supply of ice-cream.

They left early, despite Buffy’s yawning protests that she was fine and not in the least tired, which would have been more convincing if she had been able to keep her eyes open as she made them.  Weary, but immensely happy, they made their separate ways home, carrying with them the warm glow that came from knowing that, for the first time since Buffy’s 17th birthday almost a year before, all was right in their world.

~~~

Buffy blossomed under Angel’s loving care and quickly regained the weight and muscle tone she had lost.  For the first few days after leaving the hospital she allowed Angel’s fear for her safely to keep her at home with her friends for company while he made brief patrols without her.  She knew her own limits though, and as soon as she felt she would be able to hold her own in battle and not prove a distraction that could compromise his safety, she insisted on accompanying him.  And so, each night they patrolled the streets and graveyards of Sunnydale together, two hunters whose thoughts and fighting styles complimented each other so perfectly that they were sheer poetry to watch and so deadly that no opponent stood a chance against them.  The demons and vampires who had come to town at the news of the Slayer’s seemingly inevitable demise soon fled to safer hunting grounds with their numbers greatly reduced when it became clear that her weakness had passed and she was now stronger than ever.

Buffy didn’t return to school, saying that there was no way that she was going to stay back a year, particularly with Snyder constantly looking over her shoulder.  Instead, heeding Giles and Angel’s advice that if she abandoned her education altogether she could later come to regret it, she signed of for several correspondence courses in subjects which interested her and being able to work to her own schedule instead of attending classes proved to be a great advantage whenever the Hellmouth acted up.

The knowledge that Angel was more than wealthy enough to keep them both living comfortably meant that she could study for the sake of interest alone and lifted the burden of trying to live two conflicting lives in two conflicting worlds.  Since Angel was, of necessity, bound to the shadows, it wasn’t long before Buffy’s own internal clock adjusted to match his so that they were both at their most alert during the hours of darkness and slept in each others arms through a large portion of the sunlit hours.

This arrangement did nothing to weaken the bond between them and their daylight friends, if anything it grew stronger and they met most evenings – and in shady place with easy sewer access – to research the latest threat presented to them by the Hellmouth or to go to the Bronze, or to just sit and talk about the simple everyday details of their lives.  Nor did Buffy completely shun the sun, often meeting Willow and Cordelia during the afternoon for coffee and shopping or going to Giles’ to talk and occasionally train with him for old times sake, though he had gladly surrendered that as a regular duty, saying that Angel was far better equipped to handle it than he.

At first Angel had been hesitant about his place in the tight-knit group but none of them allowed him to remain on the outside and it wasn’t long before he was truly ‘one of the gang’, forced by their actions to accept that they were not merely Buffy’s friends – they were his as well.  His place in the group seemed to evolve naturally into that of a trusted older brother to everyone except Buffy, just as Giles had been adopted as the father figure for the group.  His relationship with Giles was a firm friendship built upon a foundation of mutual respect and common interests and the two often got together to talk while Buffy was out shopping with Willow and Cordelia.

Almost without them being aware of it the small but diverse group of very different people had become a family - a family not of blood but of choice and in each other they found all the love and support that had been so conspicuously absent from their lives until then.

~~~

It was several months before Xander finally learned that Angel had returned and reunited with Buffy when he saw the two of them dancing together at the Bronze and hatred consumed him at the sight of them.  He blamed Angel for his expulsion from the Slayer’s circle and everything else that had gone wrong with his life and he became obsessed with the idea of finding a way to get rid of the vampire once and for all without facing him directly, since he knew that he could never beat him in a fight – fair or otherwise.  His search was hampered by Giles’ refusal to allow him access to the library and, as months passed without success, frustration made him careless.  The vampire that had cornered him recognized him as having been an associate of the Slayer’s and, thinking that he might have knowledge that would prove useful, decided to turn him instead of just draining him as a snack as he had originally intended.  To the vampire’s frustration, Xander could tell him nothing that would help to defeat the Slayer and he turned the fledgling away to fend for himself.  Less than three weeks later, Xander received a stake through the heart when he and five other fledglings had attacked Buffy and Angel outside the Bronze.  In the midst of the battle, Angel never even realized whom it was that he had staked.

Because Xander’s greatest desire had been to do harm to another, his soul was condemned to spend eternity in the dark realm where hatred and torment ruled.  His obsession kept him in the world between realms until the moment of Angel’s death but, since reality there was shaped by the nature of the soul, that too was a dark and desolate place and he could do nothing but watch impotently as Buffy and Angel found peace and happiness together.

Joyce never forgave Buffy for not being what she had wanted and it wasn’t long before she moved away without leaving a forwarding address.  Buffy had cried over the knowledge that neither of her parents had found her worthy of their love but the gang had rallied round and been so constant in their support that it wasn’t long before she realised that she already had everything that she had ever wanted from her parents embodied in the people around her.

When Oz and Willow decided to marry right after they graduated from Sunnydale University it was to their friends that they turned instead of their parents, asking Buffy and Angel to stand up with them and Giles to give the bride away.  Two years later their little family gained a new member when Cordelia, who had attended University of a loan provided by Angel after her parents lost everything, met and fell in love with a half-demon by the name of Doyle, who received visions from the Powers That Be and slid so seamlessly into the group dynamic, that it was as though he had always been there.  When they also married a year later, she insisted that both Buffy and Willow stood up with her while Oz and Angel did the same for Doyle and Giles, once again, gave the bride away.

Giles never married, but the others never gave him much chance to be lonely and, as honorary grandfather to Willow and Oz’s daughter and Cordelia and Doyle's son, one of his greatest pleasures in life was spending time with the children and it was probably not a coincidence that both grew up to develop a great love of books and reading.

With a half-demon, a werewolf and a witch amongst their parents and a vampire and a Slayer for their godparents, it was hardly surprising that the children were aware of the existence of the supernatural almost from the moment they opened their eyes onto the world and from their extended family they gained the knowledge, confidence, strength and discipline to survive in the world despite all the dark things that dwelled there.

Buffy and Angel never had a formal marriage service, feeling that no ceremony could be as profound or meaningful as their experience in the world between realms. The matching Claddagh rings they both wore never left their fingers, the hearts forever pointing inwards to show the world that they belonged, body and soul, to one another.  In their hearts, they were husband and wife and the lack of a formal ceremony never made them any less so in the eyes of their friends, all of whom firmly believed that the couple had been married by heaven from the moment they first laid eyes on one another.

For over twenty years, they fought to protect the largely unsuspecting population of Sunnydale from the evil that lay beneath it and stood as guardians to the rest of the group.  Through the years they were never apart for more than a few hours at a time and being together made it possible for them to find joy in the smallest of things.  Their love sustained them through the dark times, keeping hope alive when it seemed that they must fail and darkness triumph.  And somehow, with the help of their friends, they always found a way.  They were an unbeatable team whose reputation was so feared that even the presence of the Hellmouth couldn't induce many demons to enter the town that they protected so fiercely.

Occasionally the Watcher's Council passed on information about demon-related disasters in other parts of the world or Doyle had a vision of events outside Sunnydale and they would leave long enough to take care of the threat but for the most part they remained where they were and the Council left them alone, reluctantly acknowledging that they had no control over this particular Slayer, her Watcher, her friends or her Guardian Angel.  Only once did they attempt to interfere, sending a team to remove the 'vampire influence' from the Slayer's intimate circle - it was a mistake that they never tried to repeat and Giles quit the Council in disgust, severing their last avenue of influence over Buffy and rendering them completely powerless.

~~~

Death finally exacted its inevitable price of history's greatest Slayer just three days after her thirty-ninth birthday.  She had outlived the longest-lived Slayer on record by over seventeen years and those around her had begun to believe that nothing but old age would ever claim her, but it was not to be.  In one of those sick little twists that fate finds so amusing, she was killed, not by a demon or some great evil that she was fighting, but by a drunk driver who shot through an intersection at nearly ninety miles an hour as she was crossing the street to meet Willow and Cordelia.

Angel had felt it the instant that Buffy’s soul left her body; his own soul crying out in agony at her loss and he delayed just long enough to arrange for their funeral before – as the others had known he would – walking out into the sunlight to join her in the world between realms where he knew she waited for him - for neither of them could ever find heaven without the other by their side.

Reunited once more – for eternity this time – Buffy and Angel turned back to say goodbye to their friends just before they crossed over into the other realm, knowing that, even in heaven, they would miss them.  They appeared before them, glowing with light just as Jenny had done so many years earlier, and were enfolded in one final group hug that contained all the love that had held them all together for so long.

Then they were gone, never to return, but their sorrow was muted, as was the sorrow of those they had left behind, for all knew that this parting was only temporary and that, when the time was right, they would meet once more in a place where no pain could ever touch them again.
 

THE END?