The highlight of 2004 already has a leading contender. On Sunday 25th January a splendid Burns Supper was enjoyed by 45 members and their guests at one of Edinburgh's leading independent restaurants, Fenwicks run by lifelong Dee and new CDB, Pete Fenwick. ( Fenwicks is also available for weddings, funerals and barmitzvahs - plug over and thanks for the money Pete).
Swankie was then humiliated into eating salad and being polite to everyone at the remaining home fixtures wherein nae pehs and only pleasantries will pass his lips. Subsequent negotiation clarified that the salad must be visible, consumed regularly and be of a varietal nature. Spies in the Derry please report back to the next newsletter as to just how much of a struggle all this is to the fat boy.
The mood was already euphoric after the heroic efforts of the Dee XI against the Forces of Evil at Dens that afternoon - from now on to be known as the Feast of St Stevie the Arab Tamer - and the CDB-run bar was already under some pressure during the cocktail hour. Next up was the grub. A bowl o' kail was swiftly followed by the haggis which was entertainingly addressed by our very own Neil Wallace. Neil was kilted up and wisely used the same address as he had used the previous evening at the Tartan Army Burns do. Owing to the amount of drink taken not much is remembered from the address but one lasting vision is Nelly plunging the knife into the belly of the beast whilst uttering the words "Jim McLean". The haggis was sensibly scoffed to line the stomach and to settle the contingent down to the poetry of Brian Gavine - and poetry it was! Brian waxed lyrical as only Brian can in fuhl Dundee accent and McGonnagall style. To thunderous applause he sat down - where he probably wished he had remained. Mair anon. Crannachan was partaken - it's the sweet course, peasants! - and coffee was served to the dulcet tones of Mr Wallace once more who proposed the Immortal Memory but not to Burns but to Bobby Glennie, Big Sinky and Mad Colin. "I never knew what Colin's second name was" said Neil to the resounding and obvious retort form the assembled - " that's his second name yeh daft c***, Mad's his first!".
During the meal, the lovely Helen squeezed (!) mucho casho out of the now rapidly sozzling hordes and it was on with the prize giving. Top prehz was 2 tickets to Scotland vs Romania curtesy of Ando (we know, we know - 2nd prize was 4 tickets......) won by Alan the Scribbler who promptly donated them back to the auction - obviously a trip to rough Glasgow being too much for our delicate Old Lorettonian. Neil Wallace picked up the choccies, David Robertson the Musselburgh racing tickets and Alan Greenhill was far too pleased with the autographed shirt for any self respecting 30-something.
Gavine mistake No 1 - the back o' the bus vodka was won by the bold boy .............who promptly unscrewed the tap and necked a straight inch and a half. Mair about Gavine's necking later.
Next up was the Auction. At this point the excitement was palpable....palpably pished. However, the opening item got them going - a pint of real ale to be drunk by oor Dear Leader. (Ye ken him, goes to aboot half the gemmes and a quarter of the CDB meets but always turns up at the tap table if there are any celebs. We've told him Jordan is oot the jungle and coming to the next meet in Clarks bar so watch out for a medallion man in town on the last Thursday in February ). £50 notes were promptly offered and Cookie was then forced to gag his way down...Oooh Errr Missus ...a pint of 80/-. Sadly the vomit was not projectile.
Bob Devlin then secured the forfeit that everyone wanted - the opportunity to gag Davie Glen. Bidding as you would expect was fast and furious and in no time there was a strange yet pleasant silence around the place. Only punctuated by a few strangled grunts as Davie tried to debate his latest point of view with naebody in particular. This could be an annual / weekly / hourly event.
"Dave Glen finally gagged"
Gavine mistake No 2 - the most bizarre lot was the chance to have 3 words of your choice in an Alan Patullo article in the Scottie. Bidding rapidly moved forward to the £90 mark which astonished the hacks present - Messrs P and Aidan Smith of the aforementioned rag - when suddenly a vodka-fuelled voice from the back cried out ..... "£200 for "Gavine's a Gentleman!""). No-one had the nerve to point out to oor Brehn that he had just paid nearly 70 knicker for an "a".
Speaking of knickers. Graham McLauchlin was understandably worried by Davie Ellis' insistence on paying a lot more than a few quid for him to wear frilly knickers to the next game when from left field a drunken Hibbee bid £110 for Kenneth Boylan of this parish to wear the full Rocky Horror outfit. Needless to say this bid was accepted with rare alacrity. Boylan at this point being almost comatose with the drink was strangely unperturbed. Unlike the next morning when he shit himself on being told...... HOWEVER, THIS FORFEIT HAS NOT BEEN FULFILLED AND DEE4LIFE ARE STILL £110 SHORT. ALL ENCOURAGEMENT TO MR BOYLAN IS STILL REQUIRED.
Auld man Cook and Ally had to stump up 55 notes to not wear an arab tap at the bowlin', £50 was raised for Steve Hotchkis to enjoy a pint of keg lager and Alan McIntosh cheerfully handed over another 50 for the hampden tickets following Mr Patullo's splendid gesture.
However the fun - oh, how we laughed at these jolly japes - did not end that evening as Mr Schlopper accepted Mr Zochowski's challenge to wear a cute wee tammy, lovely scarf and replica tap to the Hibs game. The 386 others who did go the following weekend witnessed a never before seen sight - Stevie with all this kit on AND smiling at a game.
Gavine mistake No 3 - the highlight of the evening was Graeme Gollan's inspired suggestion to challenge our token Arab, Martin McNaughton, to kiss the shirt and sing a Dee song with the by-now clearly uncontrollable Mr Gavine. An astonishing £295 was quickly raised and to his heroic credit the challenge accepted by Marty boy. Up he came to belt out a rendition of Hello, Hello and kiss the nipple of Brehn. Brehn's brainwave to thank Marty - no doubt through tearstained eyes of love - was to engage in a full-on snog. Nothing wrong with that you may say, two consenting adults in a private establishment, it's the 21st century, some of my best friends etc etc. NOT WHEN ONE OF THE REPTILE CLASSES ARE IN ATTENDANCE !!! Brian and Marty's little tryst was duly reported in the Scotsman's sports section review the following weekend in full graphic and repulsive detail. Oh, and thanks for really rubbing it in by naming them, Aidan! A scoop one might say.
After this highlight, further sherries were partaken and your intrepid correspondent understands that festivities went on to the wee sma' oors in various drinking dens in auld reekie. Heids the next day were not too good and it is rumoured that Boab Devlin's breakfast on the 7am shuttle almost made a reappearance, the Lothian constabulary could have made an arrest or two the next day on the drives to work and Swankie is still looking for his blankety blank cheque book and pen somewhere around the pubic triangle. Real Man of the evening award goes to Pete's Dee Down South mate Kev who acted as barman for the evening, went drinking in town after the event, went for a for a rare shag in Penicuik with his much neglected girlfriend who drove him back for a 6am flight to Stanstead! "Brian's tongue warming up"
However spirits will be lifted knowing that that this unforgettable evening succeeded in raising over £2,300 for Dee4Life. Nae bad lads. To all those who were there, we salute you! To all those that were'nae, ye missed yersels!
The Mole
