Horsey Humour

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HREF="equidc.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Equine Dictionary"><U><I>Equine Dictionary</I></U></A><I>                                                </I><A HREF="trainer.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="The New Trainer"><U><I>The New Trainer</I></U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="horseaholics.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Horseaholics"><U><I>Horseaholics anonymous</I></U></A><A HREF="horseaholics.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Horseaholics"><U><I>(</I></U></A><I>new!!)                            </I><A HREF="lightbulbs.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="How many Horses?"><U><I>How many Horses?</I></U></A><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#9900FF" FACE="Lydian" ><I>                                                                      </I></FONT></div> <bR> <div> <I><U>Jokes</U></I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Two show stallions are arguing over who should take best of breed. The first says, "I'll grant you are the closest I have ever seen to my equal, but my legs are just a bit straighter than yours, and, you know, the legs are of prime importance: no foot, no horse!" The second horse says, "I'll allow your legs are just a bit better than mine, but mine are the legs I was born with and I know for a fact you had thousands of dollars of corrective work. Your foals will inherit your natural legs, not your genius farrier!" The first horse mulls this for a moment, then says, "You're right. I stand corrected..." </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>A mean school teacher who only rides on weekends went into the local saddlery. "I'll have 1 spur" he said "one spur?" asked the shop owner? "Yes" replied the teacher, "surely you mean 2 spurs" said the shop owner, "No! I want 1 spur if I can get one side of the horse to go then surely the other side will follow".</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the saloon's regulars had a habit of picking on strangers. When the cowboy finished his drink and left the saloon, he found that his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?" he yelled forcefully. No one answered. "All right, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I done in Texas! And I don't want to have to do what I done in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy, true to his word, had another beer and walked outside, to find that his horse has been returned to its post. He saddled up and prepared to ride out of town. The bartender followed the cowboy out of the bar. "Say, partner, before you go," the bartender asked nervously, "what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, " I had to walk home." </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>                                                                     <img src="HTMLobj-327/aniGif.gif" border="0" align="bottom" width="130" height="102">        </I></div> <div> <I>Jenny wasn't very smart, but she watched westerns all the time and she was sure that if she got the chance, she would be able to ride any horse! One day as she was walking along, she saw a horse, already saddled and bridled. She looked around to make sure no one saw her, then though 'If I just take a short ride, then bring the horse back, the owner won't notice'. So she climbed up on its back, and started her ride. At first things went well, then suddenly the horse bolted forward at a full gallop! She dropped the reins and held on to the horn for dear life! Then, as the horse continued to gallop madly, her right foot started to slip from the stirrup. She tried to keep from slipping, but the saddle was slick and the horse was jolting her around. She slipped farther, and farther, until her arm could no longer hold on. As her arm gave out, she slipped to the ground, and hit it with a thud. But, to her horror, she saw that her foot had gotten caught in the stirrup! She started screaming for help, hoping that someone would notice her being dragged by the runaway horse. Just as she was about to faint, she saw someone running toward her. He bent over and pulled the cord, and the mechanical Wal-Mart horse stopped moving. </I></div> <bR> <div> <I> <TABLE BORDER="0" CELLPADDING="1" CELLSPACING="1" WIDTH="626" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#C0C0C0" BORDERCOLORDARK="#808080" FRAME="VOID" RULES="NONE" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" > <tR> <tD VALIGN=CENTER HEIGHT= 80 WIDTH="622"><div> <I>                                    <IMG SRC="110964a0.gif" border=0 width="150" height="74" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></I></div> </tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=CENTER HEIGHT= 227 WIDTH="622"><div> <I>A farmer couldn't tell his two horses apart, so he tried cutting the tail off one horse. This </I></div> <div> <I>was no good because the tail grew right back. Then he cut the mane off the other horse. </I></div> <div> <I>This didn't work either, because the mane grew back. Finally he measured them and </I></div> <div> <I>found that the white horse was two inches taller than the black horse</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Three race horses stood in their stalls. One said to other others: "I ran 20 races and I won 15 of them!" she bragged. The next said with a snort, "Well, I ran 30 races and won 25 of them!" Then the third horse spoke up proudly, "Yeah, I ran 41 races and won 39 of them!" This seemed to settle the topic when the horses noticed a Greyhound outside their stalls. The Greyhound said, "I ran 100 races and I won 99 of them." The horses looked at each other in amazement and one gasped, "Wow! A talking greyhound!"</I></div> <bR> </tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=CENTER HEIGHT= 3235 WIDTH="622"><div> <I><IMG SRC="10e18280.gif" border=0 width="536" height="40" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></I></div> <div> <I>QUICKIES:</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>The thunder god went for a ride on his filly I'm Thor he cried! The filly replied you forgot the thaddle thilly.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Q: What is the strongest horse?                 </I></div> <div> <I>A:  A racehorse ... because it can take hundreds of people for a ride at the same time.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>One day, while I was petting a Shetland Pony at the zoo, a friend of mine asked, "How are you today?." I responded, "I'm feelin a little hoarse." </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Mother," said a little boy after coming from a walk. "I've seen a man who makes horses." "Are you sure?" asked his mother. "Yes," he replied. "He had a horse nearly finished. When I saw him, he was just nailing on his feet." </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>A horse goes into a bar and orders a drink the barman asks why the long face?</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>How do you make a small fortune working with horses?  Start with  a large one</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Q: What's a horse's favourite sport?</I></div> <div> <I>A: Stable Tennis</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>What do you call a horse wearing venetian blinds? a zebra</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>How many thoroughbreds does it take to change a light bulb? Just one and while he's </I></div> <div> <I>at it he'll rewire the whole block</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>What does it mean when you find a horse shoe? Some poor horse is walking around in</I></div> <div> <I>his socks</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Who wrote the book entitled my 200 mile endurance ride? Major bumsore</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Why did the horse go behind the tree? To change his jockeys</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>The horse owners Latin motto equus costus muchus</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Why do horse boxes never get stolen? cuz its hard to commit a crime with everyone </I></div> <div> <I>waving at you</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>How do you cure equine constipation? Load them into a clean trailer</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>How do you induce labour in a mare? Take a nap</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>How do you get a horse to wash his own feet? Clean the water trough and fill it with</I></div> <div> <I>fresh water</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>How do you induce freezing cold weather? Clip your horse</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>How does a horse come down from a tree? He stands on a leaf and waits till autumn</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>What's the difference between a duck and a horse? One goes quack and the other goes</I></div> <div> <I>quick</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>How do you hire a horse? Turn the screw under the saddle</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>What's the best way to become a better equestrian? Marry money</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>How do you make sure your mare has a beautiful,perfectly marked foal? Sell her before </I></div> <div> <I>she foals</I></div> <bR> <div> <I> <TABLE BORDER="0" CELLPADDING="1" CELLSPACING="1" WIDTH="626" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#C0C0C0" BORDERCOLORDARK="#808080" FRAME="VOID" RULES="NONE" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" > <tR> <tD VALIGN=CENTER HEIGHT= 319 WIDTH="622"><div> <I>Horse #1: I'm sure glad I'm not a bird. I could get hurt!</I></div> <div> <I>Horse #2: Why is that?</I></div> <div> <I>Horse #1: I can't fly.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>We lost our horse. It got away while we were on holiday</I></div> <div> <I>Why not put an ad in the newspaper "Lost & Found" column?</I></div> <div> <I>Don't be ridiculous. He can't read!</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>I went riding today.</I></div> <div> <I>Horseback?</I></div> <div> <I>Sure. It came back before I did.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>I came down with laryngitis last week. While I was petting a Shetland Pony at the zoo, a friend of mine asked, "How</I></div> <div> <I>are you today?."</I></div> <div> <I>I responded, "I'm feelin a little horse."</I></div> <bR> </tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=CENTER HEIGHT= 46 ><NOBR><div> <I><IMG SRC="10e18280.gif" border=0 width="536" height="40" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></I></div> </NOBR></tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=CENTER HEIGHT= 1568 WIDTH="622"><bR> <div> <I>The Horses handbook!!                    <IMG SRC="2a25e4b0.gif" border=0 width="94" height="75" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></I></div> <bR> <div> <I>1- SNORTING: Humans like to be snorted on. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family </I></div> <div> <I>    horse, to accommodate them. </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>2- NEIGHING: Because you are a horse, you are expected to neigh. So neigh - a lot. </I></div> <div> <I>   Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting the yard and communicating </I></div> <div> <I>   with other horses. Especially very late at night. </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>3- STOMPING CATS: When tied up, make sure you never --- quite --- stomp on the yard </I></div> <div> <I>   cat's tail. But keep stomping.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>4- CHEWING: Make a contribution to the architectural industry.... chew on your stall </I></div> <div> <I>    wall, the fence or any other wooden item. </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>5- BEDDING: It is good manners to urinate in the middle of your freshly bedded stable </I></div> <div> <I>    to let your humans know how much you appreciate their hard work. </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>6- DINING: Always pull all of your hay out of the hay rack, especially right after your </I></div> <div> <I>    stable has been cleaned, so you can mix the hay with your fresh bedding. This </I></div> <div> <I>   challenges your human, the next time they're cleaning your stable - and we all know </I></div> <div> <I>   how humans love a challenge (that's what they said when they bought you as a two-</I></div> <div> <I>  year-old, right?). </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>7- DOORS: Any door, even partially open, is an opportunity for you and your human </I></div> <div> <I>   to exercise. Bolt out of the door and trot around, just out of reach of your human, </I></div> <div> <I>   who will happily chase you. The longer it goes on, the more fun it is for all involved. </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>8- HOLES: Rather than pawing and digging a big hole in the middle of the paddock or </I></div> <div> <I>   stable and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over. They won't notice</I></div> <div> <I>   this if you carefully arrange little piles of dirt. There are never enough holes in the </I></div> <div> <I>  ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem. </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>9- GROUND MANNERS: Ground manners are very important to humans; break as much </I></div> <div> <I>   ground in and around the barn as possible. This lets the ground know who's boss, and </I></div> <div> <I>  impresses your human. </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>10- NUZZLING: Always take a BIG drink from your water bucket immediately before  </I></div> <div> <I>      nuzzling your human. Humans prefer clean muzzles. Be ready to rub your head on</I></div> <div> <I>     the area that you just nuzzled to dry it off, too.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>11- PLAYING: If you lose your footing while frolicking in the paddock, use one of the </I></div> <div> <I>    other horses to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself. Then the other horse will</I></div> <div> <I>   get a visit from the mean old' vet, not you!</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>12- VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of horses. Rock back and forth</I></div> <div> <I>     whilst tied up, neighing loudly and pawing playfully at this person. If the human backs</I></div> <div> <I>     away and starts crying, advance swiftly, stamp your feet, and neigh louder to show </I></div> <div> <I>     your concern. </I></div> <div> <I>                                                                  <IMG SRC="2a35b3d0.gif" border=0 width="91" height="61" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></I></div> <div> <I>                                                                       </I></div> <div> <I><IMG SRC="10e18280.gif" border=0 width="536" height="40" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></I></div> <div> <I>   </I></div> <div> <I>FAMOUS QUOTES:</I></div> <div> <I>Work horse- I've been working ever since I bought these horses - Richard Switzer.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>All animals are equal, but some are more equal than others - George Orwell.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>And God took a handful of wind. He blew his breath over it and so was created the </I></div> <div> <I>horse - Bedouin Legend describing the Arab</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Live to ride, Ride to  Live - or die. All else is wasted.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Tell a Gelding, Ask a Mare and discuss it over with a Stallion</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>If you look at the ground, you will end up on the ground.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>Wild oats aren't for sowing, but they make a nice trail snack!!</I></div> <div> <I>                                                  <IMG SRC="1117b800.jpg" border=0 width="123" height="128" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></I></div> </tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=CENTER HEIGHT= 41 WIDTH="622"><div> <A HREF="halter.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Make a Halter"><U><I><B> <img src="HTMLobj-669/aniGif.gif" border="0" align="bottom" width="67" height="35">  </B></I></U></A><I><B>  </B></I><A HREF="top_lists.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Horsey Top Lists"><U><I><B> <img src="HTMLobj-670/aniGif.gif" border="0" align="bottom" width="67" height="35">  </B></I></U></A><I><B>  </B></I><I><B> <img src="HTMLobj-671/aniGif.gif" border="0" align="bottom" width="67" height="35">  </B></I><I><B>  </B></I><A HREF="stblman.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="From The Ground"><U><I><B> <img src="HTMLobj-672/aniGif.gif" border="0" align="bottom" width="67" height="35">  </B></I></U></A><I><B>  </B></I><A HREF="mailto:info@equiriders.co.uk" TARGET="_top" TITLE="mailto:info@equiriders.co.uk"><U><I><B> <img src="HTMLobj-673/aniGif.gif" border="0" align="bottom" width="67" height="35">  </B></I></U></A></div> </tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=CENTER HEIGHT= 19 WIDTH="622"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="19" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="622" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></tD> </tR> </TABLE></I></div> <div> <I>©  Copyright Equiriders 2000</I></div> <bR> <bR> </tD> </tR> </TABLE></I></div> <bR> <bR> </td> </tr></table></body>