The 100 year old man was having a big birthday party at his nursing home.
A TV crew was there to interview the man on this special day.
The old man replied "I don't ever drink.
I never smoked,
and I stayed away from wild women."
Just then there was a loud shriek in the hall.
The crew turned to see a nurse run by,
followed by an agile looking older man with
a foul smelling cigar in one hand and spilling what
smelled like whisky from the glass in his other hand.
A little old lady walked into the Bank of England bank pushing
a battered old shopping trolley (bag on wheels).
She told the man behind the counter that she had two million pounds
in the trolley and wanted to open an account.
But first, she said that she wanted to meet the chairman of the board
as it was such a large amount of money.
After looking into the trolley and seeing bundles of £20's and £50's which
could have been £2M he phoned the chairman's office.
The old lady was escorted up stairs and ushered into the chairman's office.
Introductions were made and she told him
that she preferred to do business with on a personal basis.
The chairman asked how she came into such a large amount of money
"was it inheritance?"
"No," she replied. "I like a little bet"
"You like a little bet!" repeated the chairman. "On the horses?"
"No," she replied, "I bet on people."
She explained that she made bets about different things with people.
All of the sudden she said
"I'll bet you £50,000 that by 10:00am
tomorrow your balls will be bright green and will chime".
The chairman thought for a while and decided to take the bet.
He didn't see how he could loose.
For the rest of the day he was very careful, staying in his office.
That evening he decided to have an early night, taking no chances,
as there was £50,000 at stake.
When woke the following morning and took his shower,
he checked to make sure that everything was OK.
There was no difference, they looked just the same and didn't make a sound.
He then went to his office and waited for the little old lady to arrive at 10:00.
He knew that it would be a good day, getting £50,000 for doing nothing!
At 10:00am sharp, the little old lady entered his office.
With her was a younger man.
When the chairman asked who he was,
the old lady told him that he was her lawyer
and that she always took him along
when there was a large amount of money involved.
"Well", she asked, "what about our bet?"
"I don't know how to tell you this," he replied,
"but I'm the same as I always have been.
Though now £50,000 the richer!"
The old lady seemed to happy to hear this,
but asked if she could see for herself.
The chairman thought that this was reasonable and dropped his trousers.
She asked him to bend over then she grabbed hold of him.
Everything was fine, they had not changed colour nor did they make a sound.
The chairman looked up and saw her lawyer banging his head against the wall.
"What's wrong with him?" he asked.
"Oh him," she replied, "I bet him £1,000,000 that by 10:00am this morning
I would have the chairman of the Bank of England by the balls."
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Old Mac Donald
A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday.
He spends £5000 and feels really good about the result.
On his way home he stops to buy a paper.
Before leaving he says to the shop assistant,
"I hope you don't mind me asking,
but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35" was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says happily.
A little while later he goes to McDonalds for lunch
and asks the order taker the same question,
to which the reply is,
"I'd guess that you're 29?"
"I am actually 47."
He's starting to feel real good about himself.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an
old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going.
But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age.
If I put my hand down your pants and play with your
balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one else around the man thought
what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later the old lady says,
"OK, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned, the man says,
"That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies,
"I was behind you in McDonalds."
(from Jim S)
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Life begins at...
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.
But everything else starts to wear out,
fall out, or spread out...
You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes,
just so long as you don't have to be there.
Middle age is when work is a lot less fun
And fun a lot more work.
Statistics show that at the age of seventy,
there are five women to every man.
Isn't that the most ironic time for a guy to get those odds?
You know you're getting on in years when the girls at
the office start confiding in you.
Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,
he's too old to go anywhere.
Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends,
and have begun to grow in the middle.
Of course I'm against sin.
I'm against anything that I'm too old to enjoy.
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A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned
to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and
choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
You know you're into middle age when you realise
that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need
to take a laxative.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation.
As you grow older, it will avoid you.
You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocking chair,
and you can't get it started.
You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling,
and you didn't do anything the night before.
The cardiologist's diet:
if it tastes good, spit it out.
Doctor to patient:
"I have good news and bad news.
The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac."
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
You know you're getting old when you stop buying
green bananas because it's too risky of an investment.
Last Will and Testament:
Being of sound mind,
I spent all my money.
There are three signs of old age.
The first is one's loss of memory,
the other two I forget.
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Happy Returns
An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and they decided to go to the small town where they first met. Inside the cafe they used to frequent, the man said to the woman, "Remember the field where we first made love? I propped you up against the fence."
She nodded her head yes. "Why don't we go there and do it again for old times sake?" Giggling she agreed. Not noticing but a police officer was in the next booth and heard the conversation. He thought he'd better follow them and make sure no one disturbed them.
The couple got to the field, took off their clothes and the man placed the woman against the fence.
From the bushes the policeman watched as they gyrated all over the fence.
He watched as they did things he never even thought of doing.
After five minutes they stopped, fell to the ground and slowly got up and dressed themselves. they approached the bushes the policeman stepped out and said, "I just followed you to make sure no one bothered you. That was the most wonderful love making I've ever seen. You must have been a wild couple when you were young."
"Not really," replied the old man. "When we were young that fence wasn't electric."
(from Jane)
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