Email: Gremlin
Copyright ©Gremlin 1999
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Dog Gone
A young boy, about eight years old, was at the grocery shop
picking out a jumbo box of laundry washing powder.
The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly,
asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog.
It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this,
he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the
washing powder to the counter and paid for it,
even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the shop.
The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an "I-told-you-so",
said he was sorry the dog died but added,
"I tried to tell you not to use that washing powder on your dog."
"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the washing powder that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle!"
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Good Doggy
When the store manager returned from lunch,
he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged,
but before he could ask about the bandage,
the clerk said he had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said.
"I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?"
the manager asked.
"That's the one!"
"That's great!" the manager cried,
"I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity!
That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had!
But tell me.
Why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."
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Who is the Mightiest?
A lion woke up one morning feeling rowdy.
He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared,
"Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey said, "You are, mighty lion!"
Later, the lion confronts a deer and bellows,
"Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified deer stammers,
"Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars,
"Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk,
and slams him against a tree half a dozen times,
with the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon.
The elephant then stomped on the lion until it was as flat as a pancake,
peed on it, and ambled away.
The lion hollered after the elephant flippantly,
"Geez, just because you don't know the answer,
you don't have to get so mad."
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Older but Smarter
A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says,
"Ok, old fellow, time to retire."
The old rooster says,
"You can't handle all these chickens....
....look at what it did to me!"
The young rooster replies,
"Now, don't give me a hassle about this.
Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over."
The old rooster says,
"Aw, c'mon.....
just let me have the two old hens over in the corner.
I won't bother you."
The young rooster says,
"Scram!
Beat it!
You've had your day!
I'm taking over!"
The old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster,
"I'll tell you what, young fellow.
I'll have a race around the farmhouse with you.
Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop."
The young rooster says,
"You know I'm going to beat you,
old man, so just to be fair,
I'm even going to give you a head start."
They line up in back of the farm house, get a chicken to cluck "Go!"
The old rooster takes off running.
About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him.
They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only
about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on,
grabs his shotgun and BOOM!
He blows the young rooster to bits.
He sadly shakes his head and says,
"Dammit, third gay rooster I bought this week!"
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Four Little Kittens
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens.
On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother,
"There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens."
"How did you know that?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,"
he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
(from Jim S)
Copy Cat
A young executive was just leaving the office when
he saw his boss standing in front of the
shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"This is a very sensitive and important document,
and my secretary has already left."
the boss says,
"Can you make this thing work?"
"Sure," replies young executive.
He turns on the machine, inserts the paper,
and presses the start button.
"Excellent!"
says the boss as his paper disappears into the machine.
"I just need the one copy."
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Ele-Fun
Why are elephants large, grey and wrinkled?
Because if they were small, white and smooth they'd be aspirins.
Why are elephants wrinkled?
Have you ever tried to iron one?
How does an elephant get down from a tree?
It doesn't, you get down from a duck.
What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
Optimistic!
What's grey on the inside and pink and white on the outside?
An inside out elephant.
Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.
Why do elephants wear small green hats?
So they can sneak across pool tables unobserved.
Pretty Polly
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,
"Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots,
but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquires.
"They say,
'Hi, we're prostitutes.
Do you want to have some fun?'"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaims,
then he thinks for a moment.
"You know," he says,
"I may have a solution to your problem.
I have two male talking parrots
whom I have taught to pray and read the bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house,
and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job.
My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,
and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responds,
"that might very well be the solution."
The next day, she takes her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushers her in, she sees that his two male parrots
are inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walks over and places her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cry out in unison:
"Hi, we're prostitutes.
Do you want to have some fun?"
There is stunned silence.
Finally, one male parrot looks over
at the other male parrot and exclaims,
"Put the damn beads away, Francis,
our prayers have been answered!"
(from The Colonel)
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Too Deep
Two guys are walking through the woods
and come across this big deep hole.
"Wow...that looks deep."
"Sure does...
toss a few pebbles in there
and see how deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait...
no noise
"Wow....
That is REALLY deep...
here...
throw one of these great big rocks down there.
Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks
and toss them into the hole and wait...
and wait.
Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement.
One gets a determined look on his face and says,
"Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railway sleeper.
Help me carry it over here.
When we toss THAT sucker in,
it's GOTTA make some noise."
The two drag the heavy sleeper over to the hole and heave it in.
Not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears,
running like the wind.
It rushes toward the two men, then right past them,
running as fast as it's legs will carry it.
Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer
who spots the men and ambles over.
"Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?"
"You bet we did!
Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like
crazy and just jumped into this hole!"
"Nah", says the farmer,
"That couldn't have been MY goat.
My goat was chained to a railway sleeper."
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Three Ducks and a Farmer
There were 3 ducks and a farmer.
The farmer said to the three ducks if you don't
stop doing it I am going to take you to court.
So the next day the farmer took them to court
because they were doing it again.
The judge called the first duck up and asked,
"What is your name?"
The first duck replied, "Quack."
The judge asked, "What were you doing?"
The first duck replied, "Blowing bubbles."
The judge called the second duck up and asked,
"What is your name?"
The second duck replied, "Quack Quack."
The judge asked the second duck, "What were you doing?"
The second duck replied, "Blowing bubbles."
The judge called the third duck up and said,
"Let me guess, your name is Quack Quack Quack?"
The third duck replied, "No, I am Bubbles."
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Chicken Surprise
British scientists built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens
at the windscreens of airliners, military jets and new high speed trains
all traveling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of
bird strikes to test the strength of the windscreens.
NASA engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it
on the windscreens of the space shuttle.
Arrangements were made,
and a gun was sent to NASA.
When the gun was fired,
the engineers stood shocked as the chicken shot out of the barrel,
blasted through the shatterproof windscreen,
smashing it to smithereens,
blasted through the control console,
snapped the pilot's backrest in two,
and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin
like a shot from a cannon.
The horrified NASA engineers sent the
British the disastrous results of the experiment,
along with the designs of the windscreen,
and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
The British scientists responded with a one-line memo:
"Thaw the chicken."
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The Flytrap
There is a fly zipping back and forth over a pond.
A fish is in the water watching the fly go by.
The fish is thinking "I wish that fly would come down about six inches,
then I'd have my self a nice meal".
There is a bear behind the tree watching the fish who's watching the fly.
That bear is thinking
"Man, I wish that fly would come down about six inches.
When that fish jumped up to get the fly,
I'd jump out from behind this tree
and grab the fish and have my self a nice dinner".
There is a hunter hiding behind some bushes watching the bear
watching the fish watch the fly.
The hunter's mumbling to himself
"I wish that fly would come down six inches
so that fish could jump up and catch the fly
and the bear would jump out and catch the fish
and I'd step out and take my shot.
I'd have a nice trophy".
There's a mouse watching the hunter watch the
bear watching the fish watch the fly.
That little mouse is thinking
"I wish that fly would come down about six inches.
That way the fish would jump up and get the fly,
the bear would grab the fish,
the hunter would step out and take his shot and shoot the bear,
and the hunter's sandwich would fall out of his backpack
and I'd have a good meal."
There's a cat watching the mouse watching the hunter
watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly.
That cat is thinking
"
Boy, I wish the fly would come down about six inches.
That way the fish would jump up
and grab the fly and the bear would grab the fish
and the hunter would step out
and take his shot and the sandwich in the hunter's backpack
would fall out and the little mouse would run to get the sandwich
and I'd leap and pounce on the little mouse.
Have myself a nice meal!"
Well, it happens!!
The fly comes down six inches;
the fish jumps up and gets the fly;
the bear runs and grabs the fish;
the hunter steps out and shoots the bear;
the sandwich falls out of the hunter's backpack
and the mouse runs to the sandwich;
the cat leaps,
but over the mouse and into the pond.
What's the moral of the story?
If the fly comes down six inches, the pussy's bound to get wet!!!
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Why don't blind people sky dive?
Because it scares the hell out of their guide dogs.
How to Wash The Cat
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).
CAUTION:
Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely,
The DOG
(from Gurg)
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The Wise Shepherd
Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and died brown.
A few days later as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.
Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"
The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course."
The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352."
This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed and exclaimed,
"You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."
The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.
When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair colour can I have my dog back?"
(from Jane)
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Gizard of Ooze
Long after Dorothy, Toto and the rest of the gang left the land of Oz,
the good witch of the north, Glenda, spent her days floating around
in her little bubble gazing at the land of Oz, hoping to see someone to help.
One day she passed over a pond and saw a lonely little
yellow toad perched on a lily pad.
He looked extremely depressed...
She floated down to the toad and asked him what could be the matter.
"Oh Good Witch Glenda, I am completely coloured yellow,
whereas all the other little toads in the pond are green.
Won't you please help me?"
Mustering up all of her powers, she waved her magic wand over the toad,
and his colour changed to green.
That is, all except his 'private parts.'
They remained bright yellow.
"Good Witch Glenda!
Thank you so much, but my lower extremities!
They're still yellow, while the rest of me is green!"
"Oh, I'm sorry, dear little toad. My powers are not strong enough.
The only person who may be able to help you is the Wizard of Oz."
So, in hopeful anticipation, he began hopping off toward the castle,
where the Wizard of Oz resided.
Glenda the Good Witch continued her surveillance of the land of Oz.
As she was passing over a pasture, she looked down to spot a pink elephant
who looked horribly depressed.
"Oh, Good Witch Glenda, I am horribly depressed.
I am completely coloured pink, whereas all the other elephants in the pasture are grey.
Won't you please help me?"
Mustering up all of her powers,
she waved her magic wand over the elephant, and his colour changed to grey...
That is, all except his 'private parts.'
They remained cheerfully pink.
"Good Witch Glenda! Thank you so much, but my lower extremities!
They're so pink while the rest of me is grey!"
"Oh, I'm sorry, dear elephant.
My powers are not strong enough.
The only person who may be able to help you is the powerful Wizard of Oz."
"Well, that's fine and dandy, but where may I find this great 'Wizard of Oz?'"
And Glenda, The Good Witch said:
"Just follow the yellow-pricked toad!"
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Gorilla Tree
A Lady finds she has a gorilla up her pink grapefruit tree taunting her pussy cat.
She looks in the phone book and finds a gorilla removal service.
When she asks if they can remove the gorilla, the service guy asks,
"Is it a male or female?"
"Male," she replies.
"Oh yeah, we can do it. I'll be right there," he states.
An hour later, the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs.
He then gives the woman some instructions.
"I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls out of the tree.
When he does, the trained Chihuahua will go to bite the gorilla's testicles off.
The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself, allowing you to put the handcuffs on him."
The woman asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"
The service guy replies,
"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla does,
Shoot the Chihuahua!!!"
Disney Work
Mickey and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court.
The judge said, "Mr. Mouse, I can't grant you a divorce from Minnie."
Mickey was stunned. "Why not?"
"I've reviewed all the reports you gave to the court,
but I can't find any evidence at all to support the
allegation that she is insane."
"Your Honour," Mickey exclaimed,
"I didn't say she was insane.
I said she was fucking Goofy!"
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Ain't Lyin'
A man takes his pet lion to the pub.
Everyone is scared until the man says
"It's OK, he isn't dangerous!"
Everyone looked sceptical.
"Tell you what," says the man.
"I'll open this lions mouth and place my balls inside.
The lion will close his mouth for one minute.
When he opens his mouth and I'll remove my balls unscathed.
Then every one of you can buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured its approval.
The man got up on the bar,
dropped his trousers and placed his balls in the lion's mouth.
The lion closed its mouth as the crowd gasped.
After the minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle
and smashed it on the lion's head.
The lion blinked and opened its mouth
and the man removed his balls,
with not a mark on them.
The crowd cheered and his free drinks were lined up in front of him.
The man then challenged the crowd.
"I'll pay anyone £500 who's willing to give it a try."
No one said a word.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
"I will, but you have to promise " a woman timidly said
"not to smash a beer bottle over my head."
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Gee Up!
The owner of a stud farm received a call from a friend.
"I know this midget who wants to buy a horse,
I'm sending him over. By the way, he has a lisp."
The midget arrived and the owner asked if he
wanted a female or a male horse.
"A female horth," the midget replied. The owner showed him one.
"Nith looking horth, can I see her mouth?"
The owner picked up the midget and showed him the horse's mouth.
"Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth?"
The owner picked up the midget and showed him the horse's eyes.
"OK, what about the earsth?"
The owner was getting really fed-up, but he picked up the midget one more
time and showed him the ears.
"OK, finally, I'd like to see her twat."
With that, the owner picked up the midget and shoved his head up the horse's twat; then he pulled him out.
Shaking his head, the midget said,
"Perhapth I should rephrase.
I'd like to see her run!"
(from Mike S the unknown attorney)
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Dig it
Two privates stationed at Salisbury Plains were handed shovels and told to bury a large, dead animal.
While digging they got into an argument about what they were burying.
"This here's a big mule!"
"This isn't a mule, this is a donkey."
"Mule!"
"Donkey!"
"Mule!"
"Donkey!"
This went on for a while until the camp chaplain came by.
"What are you boys doing?"
"We're digging a grave for this mule."
"Donkey, damm it!"
The chaplain cut in,
"Boys, this isn't either one, it's an ass!"
An hour later, the camp commander came up and said,
"What are you men doing, digging a foxhole?"
"No sir, we're digging an asshole."
(from Mike S the unknown attorney)
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Horny Toad
A man walks into a pub with a toad.
He sits next to this really attractive lady, places the toad up on the bar, and orders a drink.
The lady says "That's a disgusting looking frog you have there."
The replies says, "Let me tell you something...
This is a toad not a frog and he gives ladies the best oral sex they will ever experience."
The lady is outraged and says so,
then promptly gets up and moves across the pub.
A few hours pass....
The lady has had plenty to drink, and starts thinking about the toad...
She staggers back up to the man and says, "OK prove it!".
They go and get a hotel room.
The lady takes off her clothes and lies on the bed with her legs spread wide open.
The man takes the toad and puts it in position,
then demands
"Go Mister Toad!"
The toad just sits there.
He commands again.
"GO! Mister Toad!"
The toad still does nothing.
He picks up the toad and throws into the corner and says
"If I've shown you once....
I've shown you 1000 times.....
Now watch how its done!"
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Reasons Sheep are Better Than Women
(for the Welsh Reader!)
A sheep doesn't expect you to support her for the rest of her life after one roll in the hay
A sheep doesn't stop screwing after the honeymoon
A sheep doesn't think it's demeaning or kinky to do it doggy style
A sheep never wears curlers and a mud pack to bed
A sheep never yells at you for leaving the lid up
A sheep will never ask if you'll still respect her in the morning
A sheep will never ask you to stop on the way home from work
and pick up a box of tampons
A sheep will never leave a vibrator on the living room couch
when you're having friends over to watch football
A sheep will never leave you for a cucumber
A sheep will never sue you for palimony
A sheep will never tell you the ceiling needs to be painted while you're screwing
A sheep will never throw out your old copies of Playboy
A sheep will never use the excuse that:
she just did her nails,
it's too hot,
it's too cold,
you'll wake the kids,
you'll wake the neighbours,
she's too drunk to enjoy it,
she's not drunk enough to enjoy it
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A sheep won't care if you screw her sister
A sheep won't care if your secretary is better looking than she is
A sheep won't care of you keep your fish bait in the refrigerator
A sheep won't expect you to pay...
and pay...
and pay...
and pay
A sheep won't get drunk and throw up in your car
A sheep won't get even with you by spending your wages on new clothes,
none of which are see-through or meant to be worn in the bedroom
A sheep won't leave wet nylons hanging all over the bathroom
A sheep won't mind if you put up mirrors in the bedroom
A sheep won't send you out for batteries for her vibrator
A sheep won't think that a weekend stay-over
entitles her to rearrange your furniture and put up new curtains
A sheep won't use you razor to shave its legs,
or your pocket-knife to open a paint can
Cotton mouth is easier to get rid of than a social disease
No matter how old or ugly you are,
you can always find a willing ewe
Sheep are never concerned about their reputation
Sheep aren't into talking before or after sex
Sheep don't get moody once a month
Sheep don't get suspicious if you have to work late
Sheep don't have a gag reflex, or upper teeth
Sheep don't mind doing it in the back seat of the car
Sheep don't mind doing it in the morning
Sheep don't mind if you leave the lights on
Sheep don't shy away from boots and leather
Sheep don't smell like tuna fish
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Sheep grow their own fur coats
Sheep never ask about you former lovers
and then get pissed off when you tell them
Sheep never ask if you're ready to settle down
Sheep never have a headache
Sheep never insist on eating out
Sheep won't ask if you're gay the first time you can't get it up for the second time
Sheep won't cheat on you with your best friend
Sheep won't drink your liquor,
smoke your weed,
snort your coke,
and then tell you they have to be home early
Sheep won't tell all their friends about the time you couldn't get it up
You can eat a lamb chop without getting wool stuck in your teeth
You can get a better grip on a sheep's ear
You'll never catch your sheep masturbating to a picture of Mel Gibson
What do you call an Welsh farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.
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Voicing an Opinion
An English ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small town
and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.
He decides he'll have a little fun.
The ventriloquist says "Hello. Fine looking dog.
Mind if I speak to him?"
"The dog doesn't talk, you stupid git." The Welshman replied
"Hey dog, how's it going old mate?" The ventriloquist asked
"Doin' alright." Responded the dog.
The Welshman looked extremely shocked.
"Is this Taffy your owner?"
pointing at Welshman
"Yep" said the dog:.
"How does he treat you?"
"Really good. He walks me twice a day,
feeds me great food,
and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
The ventriloquist asks the disbelieving Welshman
"Mind if I talk to your horse?"
"Uh, the horse doesn't talk either... I think."
Replied the Welshman
"Hey horse, how's it going?"
"Cool." Replied the horse
"Is this your owner?"
asked the ventriloquist pointing at astounded Welshman
"Yep"
"How's he treat you?"
"Pretty good, thanks for asking.
He rides me regularly, brushes me down often,"
The horse responded.
"and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.
Then the ventriloquist asked
"Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
"The sheep's a liar."
Replied the Welshman
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Dead Fat Cat
One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to Heaven.
There he meets the Lord himself.
The Lord says to the cat,
"You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay
in Heaven more comfortable,
please let Me know."
The cat thinks for a moment and says,
"Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family
and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."
The Lord stops the cat and says,
"Say no more," and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later six mice are killed
in a tragic farming accident and go to Heaven.
Again the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.
The mice answer,
"All of our lives we have been chased.
We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms.
Running, running, running; we're tired of running.
"Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?"
The Lord says, "Say no more,"
and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.
About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat
and finds him in a deep
sleep on the pillow.
The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him how was he doing.
The cat replies better than I could have ever expected.
"And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending by are THE BEST!!!"
(Thanks Jim S)
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Once upon a time.....
Once upon a time in a land far away,
A beautiful, independent, self assured princess,
happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the Princess' lap and said
"Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back into the dapper,
young Prince that I am and then, my sweet,
we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother,
where you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night, as the Princess dined sumptuously
on a repast of lightly sauteed frogs legs
seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled to herself and thought:
"I don't fucking think so."
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Not a Pussy
Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighbourhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says: " When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times."
The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila. He grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar. He turns to the other mice and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home. In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.
The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't ,have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat."
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Irishman in the Zoo
Irishman went to London for a visit to the zoo.
While there, he saw a man with an elephant act.
The man claimed the elephant could look at person and tell that person's age.
The Irishman was very skeptical and said so, in no uncertain terms.
The man had the elephant look at a small boy and the elephant stamped its foot 9 times. "Is that right?" he asked the boy. "Oh yes." the boy said.
The Irishman was very loud, in his not believing that this was true.
The man asked the elephant to tell the ages of several people, and each time the elephant stamped his foot and the people said he was correct.
The Irishman got even louder and more abusive toward the man.
Finally the man could take it no longer and wagered the Irishman that the elephant could look at him and tell him his age.
The Irishman took him up on the wager. The elephant looked real close at the Irishman, turned around, raised his tail and cut wind like you wouldn't believe, turned back around and stomped his foot twice.
Where upon the Irishman stumbled back and with a sound of disbelief in his voice cried
"BeGabbers, He's Right...Farty-two!""
(from Jane)
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