Gremlins Computer Jokes

Gremlin on Computers

Messages from Hell

Error 13: Illegal brain function. Process terminated

REALITY.DAT not found Attempting to restore Universe......

REALITY.SYS corrupted Reboot Universe (Y/N)?

USER ERROR: Replace user and press any key to continue

BREAKFAST.COM halted... Cereal port not responding!

Backup not found! A)bort, R)etry or P)anic?

File not found R)etry, I)gnore, V)alium?

Bad Command A)bort, R)etry, I)nfluence with hammer

Backup not found: A)bort, R)etry, M)assive heart failure?

Bad command or file name Go stand in the corner

DYNAMIC LINKING ERROR: Your mistake is now everywhere

COMPUTER POSSESSED! Try DEVICE=C:\EXOR.SYS

SENILE.COM found... Out Of Memory

APATHY ERROR: Don't bother striking any key.

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Ever wondered what those acronyms mean?

APPLE = Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

BASIC = Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

CD-ROM = Consumer Device - Rendered Obsolete in Months

DEC = Do Expect Crap

DOS = Defunct Operating System

IBM = I Blame Microsoft

ISDN = It Still Does Nothing

PCMCIA = People Can't Memorise Computer Industry Acronyms

OS/2 = Obsolete Soon Too

SCSI = System Can't See It

WWW = World Wide Wait

A computer bug?

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A few words on Microsoft Windows™®©

Double your drive space:
Delete Windows!

Ever noticed how fast Windows runs?
Who has?

Windows Multitasking:
Screwing up several things at once

Windows NT:
Windows Nice Try

Windows:
Turn your Pentium into an XT...

Windows:
The Gates of Hell

Windows:
So intuitive you only need 3Mb of help files

Windows NT:
Insert wallet into Drive A and press any key to empty

Windows 98:
New look, same multi-crashing

Windows isn't a virus, viruses actually do something

Difference between a virus and windows ?
Viruses rarely fail

Time on your hands?
Get Windows!

Microsoft Windows:
A virus with mouse support

Sorry, this virus requires Microsoft Windows

Bang on the left side of your computer to restart Windows

Have you crashed your Windows today?

If Windows is user friendly, why do you need a 678 page manual?

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You know you're an internet addict when...

You kiss your girlfriend's home page.

Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

At night your dreams are in HTML.

You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net"

You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.

You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.

All of your friends have an @ in their names.

When looking at a page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.

Your dog has its own home page.

You check your mail.
It says "no new messages."
So you check it again.

You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.

You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP...
because you never log off.

The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.

Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...
so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

Your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

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Overheard in a computer shop
Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"

Customer in computer shop
"Can you copy the Internet onto this disk for me?"

Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uh...uh...yeah."

Mouse Balls

This apparently is a real memo sent at a computer company
to its employees in all seriousness.
This memo is from an unnamed computer company.
It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem.
The author of this memo was quite serious.
The engineers rolled on the floor.

Mouse Balls

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit).

Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement.
Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse.

Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.

Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse.

Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method.
Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive.
However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.

Signed: A. Nonamouse

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A woman called the help desk with a problem with her printer.
The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows."
The woman responded,
"No, my desk is next to the door.
But that's a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window
and his is working fine."

Customer: "My computer crashed!"

Tech Support: "It crashed?"

"Yeah, it won't let me play my game."

"All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."

"No, it didn't crash--it crashed."

"Huh?"

"I crashed my game.
That's what I said before.
I crashed my spaceship and now it doesn't work."

"Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"

[Pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"

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Another user was all confused about why the cursor
always moved in the opposite direction from the movement of the mouse.
She also complained that the buttons were difficult to depress.
She was very embarrassed when asked to
rotate the mouse so the tail pointed away from her.

An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows
installation that had gone terribly wrong.

"I brought my Windows disks from work to install
them on my home computer."

"Umm-hmm. What happened?"

"As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialised."

"Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"

(Proudly) "I wrote it down.
'This is not a Macintosh disk.
Would you like to initialize it?'"

"Er, what happened next?"

"After they were initialised,
all the disks appeared to be blank.
And now I brought them back to work,
and I can't read them in the A drive;
the PC wants to format them.
And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office.
Did I do something wrong?"

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Help Line

If you can't laugh about this you need help....
This is a true story from the Word Perfect help line.
Needless to say the help desk employee was fired;
however, the person is currently suing the
Word Perfect organisation for "termination without cause".
This is from the taped conversation leading up to dismissal:

"Word Perfect Technical Desk, may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word Perfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along,
and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in Word Perfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind.
Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor:
I told you, it won't accept anything I type!"

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it.
Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug,
and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

".......Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor,
did you notice that there were two cables
plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power...
A power outage?
Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them,
and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it.
Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose.
What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

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Idiot Sightings.

Sighting 1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"
I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."

Sighting 2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red.
She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

Sighting 3:
I worked with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.

Sighting 4 (a rare "double sighting"):
A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space.
He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they'd take up less room.
When he told me I was with another friend.
She thought it was a good idea too.

Sighting 5 (from Tech Support):
Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"
Individual: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"

Sighting 6 (from Tech Support):
Individual: Now what do I ?
Tech Support: What is the prompt on the screen?
Individual: It's asking for "Enter Your Last Name."
Tech Support: Okay, so type in your last name.
Individual: How do you spell that?
(from Jane)

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