Gremlins Legal Jokes

Email: Gremlin

Gremlins in Court

Here are some stupid things that have been said in court:

What is your date of birth?
July fifteenth.
What year?
Every year.

What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Yes.
And in what ways does it affect your memory?
I forget.
You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

How old is your son, the one living with you.
Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
How long has he lived with you?
Forty-five years.

What was the first thing your husband said to you
when he woke that morning?
He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
And why did that upset you?
My name is Susan.

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And where was the location of the accident?
Approximately milepost 499.
And where is milepost 499?
Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Sir, what is your IQ?
Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Did you blow your horn or anything?
After the accident?
Before the accident.
Sure, I played for ten years.
I even went to school for it.

Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
We both do.
Voodoo?
We do.
You do?
Yes, voodoo.

Officer, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
Yes.
Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
Yes, sir.
What did she say?
What disco am I at?

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Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Were you present when your picture was taken?

Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

"Did he kill you?"

How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

You were there until the time you left, is that true?

How many times have you committed suicide?

So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Yes.
And what were you doing at that time?

She had three children, right?
Yes.
How many were boys?
None.
Were there any girls?

You say the stairs went down to the basement?
Yes.
And these stairs, did they go up also?

Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
I went to Europe, Sir.
And you took your new wife?

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How was your first marriage terminated?
By death.
And by whose death was it terminated?

Can you describe the individual?
He was about medium height and had a beard.
Was this a male, or a female?

Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

All your responses must be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
Oral.

Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
No.
Did you check for blood pressure?
No.
Did you check for breathing?
No.
So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
No.
How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

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"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background,"
sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment." replied the witness.

A man walked into a bar with his lion and asked the barman,
"Do you serve lawyers here?"
"Sure do," replied the barman.
"Good," said the man.
"Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my lion."

"Is he dead?" asked the lawyer.
"What tipped you off?
The dependant lividity, the rigor mortis," replied the coroner, "or maybe the ants crawling in and out of his nose?"

What is the meaning of sperm being present?
It indicates intercourse.
Male sperm?
That is the only kind I know.

Boxing Clever

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother.
On their way through the cemetery back to the car,
the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

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Brain Food

A man went to a brain shop to buy something for dinner.
He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain shop.
He asks the butcher,
"How much for Engineers brain?"
"5 pounds an ounce."
"How much for doctor brain?"
"10 pounds an ounce."
"How much for lawyers brain?"
"100 pounds an ounce!!!"
"Why is lawyers brain so much more expensive?"
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill just to get one ounce of brain?"

Were you alone or by yourself?

Were you present in court this morning when you took the Oath?

You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like...
But can you describe it?

Have you lived in this town all your life?
Not yet.

What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years.
A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

A junior partner in a firm was sent to a far-away state to represent a long-term client accused of robbery.
After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released.
Excited about his success, the attorney telegraphed the firm
'Justice prevailed.'
The senior partner replied in haste
'Appeal immediately.'

A witness to an car accident was testifying.
The lawyer asked him, "Did you actually see the accident?"
The witness "Yes, sir."

The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness)
"Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"
The witness
"Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it.
I knew some annoying lawyer would ask me that question."

Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

What is your name?
Emily McDuff.
And what is your marital status?
Fair.

Are you married?
No, I'm divorced.
And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A lot of things I didn't know about.

And who is this person you are speaking of?
My ex-widow said it.

What happened then?
He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Did he kill you?
No.

Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
He didn't offer me anything; he just said I could have the furniture.

What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendent?
Oh, she did tell the truth. She said she'd kill that bastard - and she did!

The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it.
You too were shot in the fracas?
No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.

What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
The bucket.

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