What do you call a Essex girl with half a brain?
Gifted!
What do you call a Essex girl with 2 brain cells?
Pregnant
Why aren't Essex girls good cattle herders?
Because they can't even keep two calves together!
What did the Essex girl's right leg say to the left leg?
Nothing. They've never met
Why do Essex girls wash their hair in the sink?
Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!
Why didn't the Essex girl want a window seat on the plane?
She'd just blow dried her hair
and she didn't want it blown around too much
Why is a Essex girl like a turtle?
They both get fucked up when they're on their back
What's a Essex girl's favourite nursery rhyme?
Hump-me Dump-me
What's the difference between a Essex girl and a computer?
You only have to punch information into a computer once
Why don't Essex girls eat pickles?
Because they can't get their head in the jar
Why don't Essex girls eat bananas?
They can't find the zipper
or
They cant find the pull tab
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Why don't Essex girls use vibrators?
They chip their teeth
What is the mating call of the ugly Essex girl?
"I said: I'm drunk!"
Why do Essex girls drive BMWs?
Because they can spell it
How do you change a Essex girl's mind?
Blow in her ear
or
Buy her another drink
What do Essex girls do with their arseholes in the morning?
Pack their lunch and send them to work
What's the first thing a Essex girl does in the morning?
Walks home
Why is a Essex girl like a door knob?
Because everybody gets a turn
Why is a Essex girl like railway lines?
Because she's been laid all over the country
What important question does a Essex girl ask her man before having sex?
Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?
What do you do when an Essex girl throws a hand grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back
Why did the Essex girl stop using the pill?
Because it kept falling out
What happens when an Essex girl gets Alzheimer's disease?
Her IQ goes up!
What's the difference between an Essex girl and a Porsche?
You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend
What is the difference between an Essex girl and a bowling ball?
You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball
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What do a bowling ball and an Essex girl have in common?
Chances are they'll both end up in the gutter
Why is a washing machine better than an Essex girl?
Because you can drop your load in a washing machine,
and it won't follow you around for a week
What do Essex girls and cow-pats have in common?
They both get easier to pick-up with age
What does an Essex girl and a beer bottle have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up
What do Essex girls and spaghetti have in common?
They both wriggle when you eat them
What do you call an Essex girl with a bag of sugar on her head?
Sweet Fuck All...
How do you drown an Essex girl?
Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool
How many Essex girls does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?
One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties.
or
Three... one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit
What do you get when you offer an Essex girl a penny for her thoughts?
Change
What do you get when you cross an Essex girl and a gorilla?
Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do
How do you amuse an Essex girl for 5 hours?
Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper
Why do Essex girls have legs?
To get between the bedroom and the kitchen
What's the difference between an Essex girl having her period and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist
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What do you see when you look into a Essex girl's eyes?
The back of her head
Why do Essex girls drive VW's?
Because they can't spell PORSCHE!
How do you make an Essex girl laugh on Monday mornings?
Tell them a joke on Friday night!
What did the Essex girl do when she got her period?
Looked around for the bastard that must have knifed her
Why are Essex girls like cornflakes?
Because they're simple, easy and they taste good
How does an Essex girl hold her liquor?
By the ears
What do you call an Essex girl skeleton in the closet?
Last year's hide and seek champ
What's the difference between an Essex girl track team and a tribe of sly pygmies?
One's a bunch a cunning runts
What's the difference between an Essex girl and the Suez Canal?
One's a busy ditch
What is the difference between an Essex girl and a toilet?
A toilet won't follow you around after you use it
What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and an Essex girl?
The prostitute says, "Aren't you done yet?"
The nympho says, "Are you done already?"
The Essex girl says, "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."
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What do you call a dumb Essex girl behind a steering wheel?
An air bag
Why did the Essex girl tattoo her postcode on her stomach?
So her male would get delivered to the right box
How can you tell when an Essex girls dating?
By the buckle print on her forehead
What is the Essex girl's chronic speech impediment?
She can't say "No"
What do you call an Essex girl in a university?
A visitor
Why did the Essex girl cross the road?
Forget the road, what was she doing out of the bedroom!?
What does an Essex girl say after multiple orgasms?
Well done team!
Why does a Essex girls bra say T.G.I.F?
Tits Go In First
Why do Essex girls have vaginas?
So guys will talk to them at parties
What does an Essex girl answer to the question "Are you sexually active?"
"No, I just lie there."
What do you call an Essex girl without an asshole?
Divorced
What's the difference between an Essex girl and rubbish?
Rubbish gets taken out at least once a week
What do you call a bunch of Essex girls with yeast infections?
A wine and cheese party!
What do you call an Essex girl with half a brain?
Gifted!
Did you hear about the Essex girl that went to library
and checked out a book called "How to Hug"?
Got home and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopaedia...
What do you call an Essex mother-in-law?
An air bag
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How do you plant dope?
Bury an Essex girl
How do you get a one-armed Essex girl out of a tree?
Wave to her
How does an Essex girl get pregnant?
And I thought Essex girls were dumb!
What do you call an Essex girl with ESP and PMS?
A know-it-all bitch
What's the difference between a chorus line of Essex girls and a magician?
A magician has a cunning array of stunts
What does an Essex girl think an innuendo is?
An Italian suppository
Why don't an Essex girls guts fall out of her twat when she stands?
Because the vacuum in her head keeps them in place
Why was the Essex girl wearing her sunglasses?
She was having sunny periods
How can you tell when an Essex girl is wearing pantyhose?
When she farts, her knees bag
How is an Essex girl like a frying pan?
You have to get them hot before you put in the meat
How do you confuse an Essex girl?
You don't. They're born that way
How did the Essex girl burn her nose?
Bobbing for french fries
What's the difference between a pit bull and an Essex girl with PMS?
Lipstick
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Why do Essex girls have little holes all over their faces?
From eating with forks
Why don't Essex girls make good pharmacists?
They can't get the bottle into the typewriter
What do Essex girls do after they comb their hair?
They pull up their panties
How do you tell when a Essex girl reaches orgasm?
She drops her nail-file!
or
She says, "Next"
or
The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder
or
The batteries have run out
What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?
A divorcee
What does an Essex girl owl say?
What, what?
What is the definition of gross ignorance?
144 Essex girls
What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A deaf and dumb Essex girl nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub
Why is an Essex girl like an old washing machine?
They both drip when they're fucked
What's a Essex girl's idea of safe sex?
Locking the car door
Did you hear about the Essex girl who tried to blow up her husband's car?
She burned her lips on the tailpipe
Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb Essex girl,
and a smart Essex girl are walking down the street
when they spot a £10 note.
Who picks it up?
The dumb Essex girl!
Because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus,
the tooth fairy, or a smart Essex girl!
An Essex girl and a Scots girl were talking one day.
The Scots girl said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem
but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up.
The Essex girl asked inquisitively,
"How do you give shoulders?"
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An Essex girl was walking down the street with a pig under her arm.
A passer-by asks "Where did you get that?"
The pig replies, "I won her in a raffle!"
An Essex girl goes into the chemists and to the deodorant display
and says to the assistant "I need to buy some deodorant for my husband."
"Does he use the ball kind?" enquires the assistant.
"No," replies the Essex girl, "The kind for under his arms."
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After many hours of extremely acrobatic
and exhausting sex with an Essex girl
he had just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen
for some food to replenish his just spent energy.
He pours himself a glass of milk but before drinking it,
he realises his manhood is still pretty hot,
so he sticks it in the glass to cool it off.
Just then the Essex girl walked in and said,
"Oh, I always wondered how you refilled those."
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Will Do!
A Welsh girl goes into a porno shop.
She asks, "How much are the dildos?"
The reply is "£10 for the black one,
£10 for the white one."
"I think I'll take the black one.
I've never had a black one before."
She pays him, and off she goes.
A little bit later a black woman enters and asks
"How much for the black dildo?"
"£10" comes the reply
"How much for the white one?"
"£10 for the white one."
"Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one.
I've never had a white one before..."
She pays him, and off she goes.
About an hour later an Essex girl enters and asks,
"How much are your dildos?"
"£10 for the white, £10 for the black."
"Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"
"Well, that's a very special dildo..." comes the answer
"It'll cost you £45"
She thinks for a moment and answers,
"I'll take the plaid one,
I've never had a plaid one before...."
She pays him, and off she goes.
Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks,
"How did you do while I was gone?"
To which the salesman responded,
"I did really good,
I sold one white dildo,
one black dildo,
and I sold your thermos for £45!"
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Green Up!
A builder was speaking with a woman about her decorating job.
In the first room she said she would like a pale blue.
The contractor wrote this down and went to the window,
opened it, and yelled out
"GREEN SIDE UP!"
In the second room she told the painter she
would like it painted in a soft yellow.
He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window,
opened it, and yelled
"GREEN SIDE UP!"
The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing.
In the third room she said she would like it
painted a warm rose colour.
The painter wrote this down, walked to the window,
opened it and yelled
"GREEN SIDE UP!"
The lady then asked him,
"Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply.
"But I have a crew of Essex girls laying turf across the road".
Confucius say; Essex girl who fly upside down have crack up.
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Essex girl Medical Terminology
Anally - Occurring yearly
Artery - Study of paintings
Bacteria - Back door of cafeteria
Caesarean section - District of Rome
Cat scan - Searching for kitty
Cauterise - Made eye contact with her
Colic - Sheep dog
Coma - A punctuation mark
Congenital - Friendly
Diarrhoea - Journal of daily events
Dilate - To live long
Enema - Not a friend
Fester - Quicker
Fibula - A small lie
Genital - Non-Jewish
Grippe - Suitcase
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Hangnail - Coathook
Impotent - Distinguished, well known
Intense pain - Torture whilst camping
Labour pain - Got hurt at work
Medical staff - Doctor's cane
Morbid - Higher offer
Nitrate - Twice the day rate
Node - Was aware of
Outpatient - Person who had fainted
Pap smear - Fatherhood test
Pelvis - Cousin of Elvis
Post operative - Royal Mail worker
Protein - Favouring young people
Rectum - Damn near killed 'em
Recovery room - place to do upholstery
Rheumatic - Amorous
Secretion - Hiding anything
Seizure - Roman emperor
Serology - Study of knighthood
Tablet - Small pill
Terminal illness - Sickness at airport
Tibia - Country in North Africa
Tumour - an extra pair
Urine - Opposite of you're out
Varicose - Located nearby
Vein - Conceited
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What does a Essex girl put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
Her ankles.
What is the difference between a Essex girl and a bowling ball?
You can only put three fingers in a bowling ball.
You could eat a bowling ball if you had to.
You can't fit a Essex girl inside a bowling ball.
How are a Essex girl and a bowling ball alike?
You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in the gutter and they always come back for more.
What is the difference between Essex girls and hookers?
Essex girls cost less per score
What is the difference between a Essex girl and an elephant?
About 40 lbs.
How do you equalize the two?
Feed the elephant.
What's the difference between a Essex girl and the Titanic?
Only 1500 went down on the Titanic.
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How can you tell if a Essex girl has achieved orgasm?
She drops her nail file.
What do you get when you cross a Essex girl with an ape?
Don't know. There is only so much an ape can be forced to do...
Why is a Essex girl like a door knob?
'Cause everyone gets a turn.
Did you hear about the new Essex girl doll?
You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand.
What's the difference between Essex girls and garbage?
Garbage gets taken out once a week
What do you call 100 Essex girls sun-bathing on a beach in Cuba?
Bay of Pigs
What is the difference between a Essex girl and a toilet?
After you use a toilet it doesn't follow you around for three days
What do you get when cross a lawyer with a Essex girl?
Nothing.
There are some things a Essex girl won't do.
I don't know, but when it sucks your cock, it doesn't stop until it gets blood.
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