Gremlins Doctor Jokes

Doctor Doctor

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when
I told a wife that her husband had died of
a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more that five minutes, later,
I heard her reporting to the rest of the
family that he had died of a

"Massive internal fart."

I was performing a complete physical,
including the visual acuity test.

I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began,
"Cover your right eye with your hand."
He read the 20/20 line perfectly.

"Now your left." Again, a flawless read.

"Now both," I requested.

There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line.
I turned and discovered
that he had done exactly what I had asked;
he was standing there with both
his eyes covered.
I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

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A nurses' aide was helping a patient into
the bathroom when the patient exclaimed,

"You're not coming in here with me.
This is only a one-seater!"

A nurse caring for a woman from Kentucky asked,
"So how's your breakfast this morning?"

"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly.
I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.

The nurse asked to see the jelly and the woman
produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

A man comes into the ER and yells
"My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"

The ER physician grabs his stuff, rushes out to the cab,
lifts the lady's dress, and begins to take off her underwear.

Suddenly he notices that there are several cabs,
and he's in the wrong one.

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?"

After a look of complete confusion she answered,
"Why not for about twenty years-when my husband was alive."

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During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with
his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was
having trouble with one of his medications.

"Which one?", asked the doctor.

"The patch. The nurse told me to put on a
new one every six hours and now
I'm running out of places to put it!"

The doctor had him quickly undress and
discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see....

Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Now the instructions include removal of the old
patch before applying a new one.

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Making a Mint?

A woman goes to the doctor's and says, "Doctor, Doctor, you have to help me.
Every time I go to the bathroom, 10 pence coins come out!"

The doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week.

A week later the woman returns and says,
"Doctor, Doctor, it's got worse!
Every time I go to the bathroom, 50 pence coins come out!!
What's wrong with me?"

Again the doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week.

Another week passes and the woman returns and yells, "Doctor, Doctor, I'm still not getting better!
Every time I go to the bathroom, pound coins come out!
What the hell is wrong with me?!!"

The doctor says,
"Relax, you're just going through your change!"
(from Jim S)

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The first shipment Viagra to the UK recently arrived at Heathrow airport,
but was hijacked on the way to the warehouse.
Scotland Yard has warned the public to be on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.

Heard about the Viagra computer virus, it turns your 3 1/2 inch floppy into a hard disk.

Exhausted All Excuses?

A university professor had just finished explaining about an important paper to his class.

He emphasised that it was an absolute requirement for passing,
and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late.
Those were a medical certificate or a death in the student's immediate family.

A student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up.
"But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?"

The class erupted in laughter. When the students finally settled down,
The professor gave the young man a scornful glare.

"Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."

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Phanta See

A man wants to have his penis enlarged so he goes to a specialist who recommends a new procedure of attaching an elephant trunk to
the end of the penis.

The man goes for it and has a humongous penis.

One day, while eating dinner at his girlfriends, his penis reaches up from under the table,
grabs a bun and slides back down under the table.

The girlfriend is amazed. "That's incredible"
she says, "Can you do it again?"

The man replies, "I'd love to, but I don't think my arse can handle another bun right now"

Doctor Smile

A man goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor, I've got this problem you see,
only you've got to promise not to laugh".

The doctor replies, "Of course I won't laugh!
That would be thoroughly unprofessional.
In over twenty years of being a doctor
I've never laughed at a patient."

"OK then," says the man,
and he drops his trousers.

The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest penis he has ever seen in his life.

Despite his best efforts, he begins laughing, softly at first, then uncontrollably.
Several minutes later he manages to compose himself and wipes the tears from his eyes.
"I'm so sorry,"
he says to the patient,
"I don't know what came over me, I won't let it happen again Now what seems to be the problem?"

The man looks up at the doctor with sad eyes and says,
"It's swollen."
(from Jim S)

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What a Gas

An old woman visit her doctor with an embarrassing problem.
"I fart all the time," she told the doctor, "but they're soundless, and they have no odour.
In fact, since I've been here,
I've farted at least twenty times.
What can I do?"

The doctor gives her a prescription for pills to take three times a day and to return in a week.

Next week an upset old lady stomps into the doctors surgery.
"Doctor, Those pills have made the problem is worse!
I'm farting just as much,
but now they really stink!
What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Calm down," said the doctor soothingly.
"Now that we've fixed your sinuses,
we'll work on your hearing."

Which way

This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says,
"I am sorry to tell you this,
but I am going to have to drill a tooth."

The woman then says
"Ooooohhhh, I'd rather have a baby!"

To which the dentist replies:
"Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair."

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Tapeworm

This guy went to see his doctor and was diagnosed as having a tapeworm.
"They're not easy to get rid of, but we'll give it our best shot," the doctor told him, and instructed him to come in every day for two weeks, and to bring a lemon cookie and a hard-boiled egg.
The guy agreed, and showed up the next morning with the two items.
To his horror, the doctor shoved the hard-boiled egg up his asshole, followed it with the crumbled-up cookie, and sent him home. This went on for twelve more days, at which point the doctor's instructions were to forget the cookie and bring in the egg and a hammer.
On the last day the fellow dropped his pants in considerable apprehension, gritting his teeth as the doctor inserted the egg up his ass and calmly sat back.
A few minutes later the tapeworm stuck his head out and said, "Where in the hell is my lemon cookie?"
WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Birth Control

A week after their marriage, the newlyweds paid a visit to their doctor.
'I can't figure it out Doc, my testicles are turning blue.'
The doctor examined him and confirmed the unusual condition. He asked the wife, 'Are you using the diaphragm I prescribed ?'
'Yes.' she replied.'
'And what kind of jelly are you using ?' the doctor then asked.
'Grape.' she said.'

Miscommunication between women & men

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.
We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.
I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball..........
stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.
That's when I made my mistake.
"What did you do?", asks the doctor.
Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife,
"Hey, this looks like yours!"
(from JimS)

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