Bloody Hell
Two vampires wanted to go out to eat,
but were having a little trouble deciding where to go.
They were a little tired of the local food in Transylvania
and wanted something a little more exotic.
After some discussion, they decided to go to Italy
because they had heard that Italian food was really good.
So off they went to Italy and ended up in Venice.
On a bridge over one of the canals,
they hid in the shadows and waited for dinner.
A few minutes later they noticed a young couple walking their way.
As they neared, the vampires made their move.
Each vampire grabbed a person,
sucked them dry and tossed the bloodless bodies into the canal below.
The vampires were extremely pleased with their meal
and decided to have seconds.
Another young couple approached a few minutes later
and suffered the same fate as the first
sucked dry and tossed into the canal below.
Our vampires are now fairly full but decide to get dessert.
A short while later a third young couple provides just that.
As with the first two couples,
these people were also sucked dry
and tossed over the rail into the canal.
The vampires then decided that they'd had a marvelous
dinner but it was time to head back home.
As they started to walk away
they began to hear the sound of someone singing.
They were puzzled because no one else was on the bridge.
As they listened a little longer,
they realised that it was coming from the canal.
They looked over the rail and saw a big crocodile
in the water under the bridge,
feasting on the bodies they'd disposed of.
As they listened the croc sang happily,
"Drained wops keep fallin' on my head..."
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Can you answer this one?
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn't have one.
The Pope has one but doesn't use it.
The Artist Formerly Known as Prince won't admit that he has one.
Clinton uses his all the time.
What is it?
Answer is below
Follow the Arrows
Answer: A LAST NAME!
What were you thinking of?
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Death can Happen
The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.
Whispering firmly, the priest said,
"Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order.
Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked,
"Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying man said,
"Until I know where I'm heading,
I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."
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Perilous
An Scotsman, an Irishman and a Chinese man are hired at a building site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and stack of cement sacks.
And says to the Irishman, "You're in charge of shovelling"
To the Scotsman, "You're in charge of mixing"
To the Chinese man, "And you're in charge of supplies."
The foreman then tells them
"I have to go to the other side of the site,
while I'm away make some concrete"
The foreman returns a couple hours, the sand and cement are untouched.
The foreman asks the Irishman
"Why haven't you shoveled anything?"
The Irishman replies, "I couldn't get myself a shovel.
You left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn't find him."
He says to the Scotsman, "Why didn't you do any mixing?"
The Scotsman replies, "I couldn't get a mixer.
You left the Chinese chap in charge of supplies, but I couldn't find him."
The foreman is really fed up and storms off towards the pile of sand and cement
looking for the Chinese man.
Just then, the Chinese man jumps out from behind the stack of cement and shouts
"SUPPLIES!"
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Diamonds are a girl's best friends.
Dogs are man's best friend.
So which is the dumber sex?
What does the agnostic dyslexic insomniac do at night?
Lies awake wondering whether there really is a dog.
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the light bulb has to really want to change.
How many polite Frenchmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Both of them.
How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
How many Real Men does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Real Men aren't afraid of the dark.
How many 'Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?
None: A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of Real Men around to do it.
How many radical feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
That's not funny!
How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
As many as can you afford
How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
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Paint it
A tramp goes up to the front door of large mansion and rings the doorbell.
When the owner answers, the tramp politely asks,
"Please, sir, could you spare me something to eat?
I haven't had a good meal in days."
The owner says, "I have earned all this by hard work.
I never give anything for nothing.
But, if you want to paint my porch at the back of the house,
I will give you a good meal."
The tramp does as he is asked and after a while he rings the doorbell again.
The owner says, "Finished already?
Come on in. My cook will bring your meal."
"Thank you very much."
replies the tramp
"But there's something that I think you ought to know.
That's not a Porsche you have back there - it's a BMW."
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Stoned Love
There were these two nude statues in a park, male and female,
who always stared at each other.
One day, a wizard came up to them and said,
"This is your 200th anniversary so I am going to give you just
30 minutes of humanity so spend it well."
The wizard waved his wand and the two statues went
behind one of the big trees and the wizard heard
giggles laughs and saw a little hanky panky but nothing much.
After fifteen minutes they came out exhausted and the wizard asked why
don't they do it again so as not to waste their 15 minutes.
The male statue said to the female statue
"Ok, but this time you hold the pigeon and I'll crap on it."
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Hot Shot
This guy was working on his car when he got petrol on his hand and arm.
As he was driving to the spares shop to get some more parts,
he lit a match, his arm then caught on fire and in a panic he quickly rolled
down the window and stuck his arm out to extinguish the flame.
The police pulled him over for an illegal use of a firearm.
Golf Widow
Tired of being a golf widow, a woman took up
the game and wound up playing with her
husband on a country course one day.
He hit his drive way off into the rough, behind a barn.
She came over to take a look, surveyed the situation,
and suggested that if he opened both barn doors
he could hit his ball straight through the barn to the green.
He saw this as an excellent idea,
complimented her for her suggestion,
then opened the doors and stepped up to the ball.
He made a swing and great contact.
Unfortunately, the ball was off line,
careened off the door frame,
hit the wife in the head and killed her.
Years went by, the man finally remarried,
and this time found himself a golfer for a wife.
Incredibly, the same situation occurs.
The man is in the rough behind the same barn.
His new wife took a look at his ball and suggested
that he could make the green if he opened
both barn doors and hit through the barn.
"No way," he says. "I can't do that."
"Why not?" she asks.
"The last time I did that something terrible happened."
"What?" she asked.
"I got a double bogey."
(from Jim S)
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Thanks
"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully,"
the divorce court judge said,
"and I've decided to give your wife £275 a week."
"That's very fair, your honour,"
the husband said. "And every now
and then I'll try to send her a few quid myself."
Strange Logic
Two village idiots decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and
thought they should go to college to get ahead.
The first goes in to see a professor,
who tells him to take Maths, History, and Logic.
"What's Logic?" the first idiot asks.
The professor answers
"Let me give you an example.
Do you own a goat?"
"I certainly do - Maisy."
"Then I can assume, using logic,
that you have your garden,"
replied the professor.
"That's really good!" says the idiot.
The professor continues,
"Logic will also tell me that since you have a garden,
you also own a house."
Impressed, the idiot says,
"Amazing'!"
"And since you own a house,
logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's my Betty!
This is incredible!"
The idiot is obviously catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife,
logically I can assume that you are
heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right!
Why that's the most fascinating thing I ever heard!
I can't wait to take that logic class!!"
The idiot, proud of the new world opening up to him,
walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting.
"So what classes are you taking'?" asks the friend.
"Maths, History, and Logic!" replies the first idiot.
"What the hell is logic?" asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example."
asked the first
"Do you own a goat?"
"No," his friend replied.
"You're QUEER, aren't you?
(from Mike S the unknown attorney)
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Coarse Golf
After a particularly poor game of golf,
a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home.
As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car,
a policeman stopped him and asked,
"Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"
"Yes," the golfer responded.
"Did you happen to hook your ball
so that it went over the trees and off the course?"
"Yes, I did," he asked.
"How did you know?" he asked.
"Well," said the policeman very seriously,
"Your ball flew out onto the road and crashed
through a driver's windscreen.
The car went out of control,
crashing into five other cars and a fire engine.
The fire engine couldn't get to the fire,
and the building burned down.
So, what are you going to do about it?"
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded...
"I think I'll close my stance a little bit,
tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."
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Reasons why chocolate is better than sex
You can GET chocolate.
"If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
You can have chocolate on top of you workbench/desk
during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
Good chocolate is easy to find.
You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
When you have chocolate it does not keep you neighbours awake.
With chocolate size doesn't matter.
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Rejected Names for Beanie Babies
Slipper the Snake
Wheezy the Asthmatic Dog
Tapey the Worm
Pongo the Polecat
Binky the Horse
Morris the Dancer
Limpy the five-legged Centipede
Roadkill the Cat
Bertie the Basset
Zsa Zsa the Boar
Retchy the Wino
The Ape Formerly Known as Prince
Hooters the Exotic Dancer
Farty the Skunk
Spanky the Monkey
Sucker the Beanie Baby Collector
L'Orange the Duck
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Things that sound dirty at the office but aren't
I need you to whip it out by
Mind if I use your laptop?
Put it in my box before I leave.
If I have to lick one more, I'll gag
I want it on my desk NOW!
Hmm... I think it's out of fluid.
My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
It's an entry-level position.
When do you think you'll be getting off today?
It's not fair... I do all the work while he just sits back!
Filter Down
In the beginning, there was the plan.
And then came the assumptions.
And the assumptions were without form.
And the plan was completely without substance.
The employees told their supervisors:
"It's a crock of shit and it stinks!"
The supervisors then told the department heads:
"It's a pail of dung, and none may abide by the odour."
The department heads then told the department managers:
"It's a container of excrement, and it is very strong such that none may smell it."
The department managers then told the senior managers:
"It is a vessel of fertiliser, and none may abide by its strength."
The senior managers then told the general manager:
"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
The general manager told the directors:
"It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."
The directors told the Chairman:
"It is very strong and will promote growth and efficiency of the system."
And the Chairman reviewed the plan, and said: "This is good."
And the plan became policy.
And this is how shit happens.
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Nut Hatch
I went to a psychiatrist because
I was having severe problems with my sex life.
The psychiatrist asked me a lot of questions,
but didn't seem to be getting a clear picture of my problems.
Finally he asked,
"Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?"
"Well, yes, I did once."
"Well, how did she look?"
"Oh boy...
she looked VERY angry!"
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was
really getting somewhere and he said,
"Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further.
Now tell me, you say that you have only
seen your girlfriend's face once during sex;
that seems somewhat unusual;
how did it occur that you saw her face that time?"
"She was watching her sister and I through the window."
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Statues
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard
her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner."
She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and
then she dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered.
"Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?"
the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly.
"The Smiths bought one for their bedroom.
I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue,
not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed,
went to the kitchen and returned a while later
with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue,' "eat something.
I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days,
and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water.
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|
Business Strategy |
|
|
Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse.
The best strategy is to dismount. |
|
|
|
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In business, however, it seems that we often try other strategies with dead
horses, including the following: |
| 1 |
Buying a stronger whip. |
|
| 2 |
Changing riders. |
|
| 3 |
Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse." |
| 4 |
Appointing a committee to study the horse. |
| 5 |
Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses. |
| 6 |
Increasing the standards to ride dead horses. |
| 7 |
Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse. |
| 8 |
Creating a training session to increase our riding ability. |
| 9 |
Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment. |
| 10 |
Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead." |
| 11 |
Hire contractors to ride the dead horse. |
| 12 |
Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed. |
| 13 |
Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat." |
| 14 |
Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance. |
| 15 |
Do a CA Study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper. |
| 16 |
Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster. |
| 17 |
Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead. |
| 18 |
Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses. |
| 19 |
Revisit the performance requirements for horses. |
| 20 |
Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable. |
| 21 |
Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position. |
| 22 |
Promote another Vice President to provide management attention to dead horses |
| 23 |
Form a divisional task force to develop better understanding of dead horses at all sites |
| 24 |
Work on the definition of dead |
| 25 |
Form a team to define the tests that must be administered to determine whether the horse is actually dead within the limits defined in the performance guarantee which we always require from our vendors |
| 26 |
Transfer the horse to another division/site/department |
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Going Down
The airliner was cruising at 40,000ft. when an explosion was heard.
"OMIGOD!", yelled the elderly man sitting over the wing, "The engine exploded!"
Every body rushed over to that side of the plane to see the flaming engine when another explosion sounded.
Another engine had exploded!
The resulting havoc was finally quelled when the pilot came back into the passenger compartment.
He calmly assured the passengers that he everything was under control and that there was nothing to worry about.
He then proceeded to the rear of the plane and pulled out some packages that he handed out to the stewardess' who strapped them to their backs and then he strapped one on himself.
"Hey aren't those parachutes?" queried a passenger.
"Yes, but don't worry. We're going for help!"
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