Email: Gremlin
Copyright ©Gremlin 1999
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Top 10 Reasons for being English
- Won Two World Wars and One World Cup doo-dah doo-dah
- Proper beer
- One can confuse everyone with the rules of cricket
- One can accept defeat graciously in major sporting events
- Union jack underpants
- Water shortages guaranteed every single summer
- One can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
- Bathing once a month-whether you need to or not
- Ditto changing underwear and socks
- Beats being Welsh or Scottish
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Top 10 Reasons for being American
- You can have a woman president without electing her
- You can spell colour wrong and get away with it
- You can call Budweiser beer
- You can be a crook and still be president
- If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything
- If you can breathe you can get a gun
- You get to be really obese
- You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
- You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy"
- You can think you're the greatest nation on earth (When you're not).
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Top 10 Reasons for being Italian
- In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes
- Unembarrassed to wear fur.
- No need to worry about tax returns
- Glorious military history prior to 400 a.d.
- Can wear sunglasses inside
- Political stability
- Flexible working hours
- Live near the Pope
- Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair
- Country run by Sicilian murderers
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Top 10 Reasons for being Spanish
- Glorious history of killing South American tribes
- The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees
- You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits, etc
- The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans
- Everybody else makes crap pasta and claims it's the real thing
- Honesty
- Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls
- You get to eat bulls' testicles
- Gibraltar
- Supported Argentina in Falklands War.
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Top 10 Reasons for being Indian
- Chicken Dansak
- Lamb Jalfrezi
- All Balti's
- Chicken Tikka Masallah
- Chicken Dupiaza
- Rogan Josh
- Tandoori Chicken
- Nan Bread
- Onion Bhajee
- Kingfisher Lager
Gremlin Recommends trying any of the above at:
The Shahimahal Restaurant,
4 Coleshill Road, Ward End
Birmingham, England
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Top 10 Reasons for being Welsh
- Plenty of Sheep
- Laverbread
- Everyone is called Jones or Davis
- Rugby
- Most place names let you clear your throat while pronouncing them
- Sexy Sheep
- Everyone sings
- Welsh Lamb
- No one can understand the accent
- Roast Lamb
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Top 10 Reasons for being Irish
- Guinness
- 18 children because you can't use contraceptives
- You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road
- Pubs never close
- Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex with a condom on
- No one can ever remember the night before
- Kill people you don't agree with
- Stew
- More Guinness
- Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence.
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Top 10 Reasons for being Canadian
- It beats being an American.
- Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
- You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
- Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
- Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
- A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.
- Everyone is So polite (except those who speak French).
- Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their skins
- Own-an-Eskimo scheme.
- Everyone expects you to be boring
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Top 10 Reasons for being Australian
- Know your great-grand-dad was a murdering bastard that no civilised nation on earth wanted.
- Fosters Lager
- Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you.
- Cricket captain not afraid to cry live on TV.
- Tact and sensitivity.
- Bondi Beach.
- Swan Lager
- Liberated attitude to homosexuals
- Drinking cold lager on the beach
- Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach.
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10 Things to Remember at Work
- Anything worth doing has already been done .
- Never move quickly except to avoid work.
- Never rush into a job without long contemplation.
- Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off until the day after.
- All deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the timescale.
- If at first you don't succeed - there will always be another time.
- Remember the chance of a miracle no matter how tiny is not impossible.
- Never make decisions unless you change your mind.
- Remember tomorrow there might be new technologies, discoveries or inventions that might do today's work.
- If you want to look busy always carry a piece of paper and walk purposefully.
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10 Things to Remember about Bosses
- The boss is always right - especially when wrong.
- When you are in a hole - stop digging.
- No matter how much you do - it will never be enough.
- Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
- Never miss a good chance to shut up.
- To err is human - to forgive is not their policy.
- When you are up to your ears in shit - keep your mouth shut!
- When a boss talks about improving productivity, it's never about themselves.
- A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick up the ass.
- The more crap you put up with, the more crap you will get.
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Top 10 Most Important People in a Woman's Life:
- The most important person in a woman's life:
The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.
- The Doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes"
- The Dentist because he says, "Open Wide"
- The Hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown"
- The Deliveryman because he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"
- The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it."
- The Banker because he says, "If you take it out to soon, you'll lose interest"
- The Police Officer because he says, "Spread 'em"
- The Mailman because he always delivers his package.
- The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.
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The Top 10 Reasons Why Dogs Don't Use Computers
- Too Damn Hard To Type With Paws.
- Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
- Fetch command not available on all platforms.
- Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
- Too difficult to "scent-mark" every website they visit.
- Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
- Because dogs aren't GEEKS!
Now, cats, on the other hand...
- Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
- Smell-U-Smell-Me software still in beta test.
- Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.
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Top 10 reasons e-mail is like a penis
- If you play with it too much, you'll go blind.
- If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.
- We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
- If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.
- In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.
- It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
- Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call "E-mail Envy."
- Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
- Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
- Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.
(Thanks Andrea)
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Copyright ©The Delineator 1999
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