Do these steps go up or down?
What do you do with the beautiful ice carvings after they melt?
Which elevator do I take to get to the front of the ship?
Does the crew sleep on the ship?
Is this island completely surrounded by water?
Does the ship make its own electricity?
Is it salt water in the toilets?
What elevation are we at?
What time is the Midnight Buffet being served?
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Hotel Signs
"Anguished English" by Richard Lederer.
In a Tokyo Hotel:
It is forbidden to steal hotel towels please.
If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
In another Japanese hotel room:
Please to bathe inside the tub.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day.
During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor.
If the cabin should enter more persons,
each one should press a number of wishing floor.
Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk
In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office
between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with
pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel
across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery
where famous Russian and Soviet composers,
artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the
hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
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On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make;
limpid red beet soup with cheesy
dumplings in the form of a finger;
roasted duck let loose;
beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
In a Hong Kong supermarket:
For your convenience,
we recommend courteous,
efficient self-service.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.
In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit.
Because is big rush we will execute
customers in strict rotation.
Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly:
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by
15000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors.
These were executed over the past two years.
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In an East African newspaper:
A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the
contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
In a Vienna hotel:
In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site
that people of different sex,
for instance, men and women,
live together in one tent unless they are
married with each other for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the
opposite sex in the bedroom,
it is suggested that the lobby
be used for this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
A translated sentence from a Russian chess book:
A lot of water has been passed under the bridge
since this variation has been played.
In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and
spend the afternoon having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours
We guarantee no miscarriages.
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Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?
On the faucet in a Finnish washroom:
To stop the drip, turn cock to right.
In the window of a Swedish furrier:
Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.
On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.
Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan:
Stop: Drive Sideways.
In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today
No ice cream.
In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even
a foreigner if dressed as a man.
In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR,
you are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
At a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals.
If you have any suitable food,
give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common,
but you'll find they are best in the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet
about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates:
If you want just condition of warm in your room,
please control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight,
tootle the horn.
Trumpet him melodiously at first,
but if he still obstacles your passage
then tootle him with vigour.
Two signs from a Majorca shop entrance:
English well talking.
Here speeching American.
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Ship too Sure?
This is the supposed to be transcript of an actual radio conversation between
a US naval ship and the Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.
Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a Collision.
Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees.
To the South to avoid a collision.
This is the Captain of a US Navy ship.
I say again, divert YOUR course.
No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln,
the second largest ship in the United States' fleet.
I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north,
that's one five degrees north,
or counter-measures will be undertaken to
ensure the safety of this ship.
Well we are a lighthouse - Your call.
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Only in the US of A...
...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
...do people order double cheeseburger large fries, and a diet coke.
...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
..do they leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
...do they use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so they won't miss a call from someone they didn't want to talk to in the first place.
...do they buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
...do they use the word "politics" to describe the process so well:
"Poli" in Latin meaning "many"
"tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures."
... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
(from Jane)
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Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes
Are you harbouring a fugitive?
Hu Yu Hai Ding?
Stupid Man
Dum Gai
See me A.S.A.P
Kum Hia Nao
Small Horse
Tai Ni Po Ni
Your price is too high!
No Bai DamTing!!
Did you go to the beach?
Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table
Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift
Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here
Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed?
Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution.
Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet
Wai Yu Mu Ching?
This is a tow away zone.
No Pah King
You are not very bright
Yu So Dum
I got this for free
No Pei
I am not guilty
Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer.
Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week
Wai Yu Kum Nao
They have arrived
Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight
Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile
Wa Shing Ka
Your body odour is offensive
Hu Man Go!
Phew! does this bathroom stink!
Hu Flung Dung?
(from Jane)
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