Funny Signs

In a laundromat
Automatic washing machines.
Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

In a London department store
Bargain Basement Upstairs

In an office
Would the person who took the step ladder
yesterday kindly bring it back
or further steps will be taken.

In another office
After the tea break,
staff should empty the teapot
and stand upside down on the draining board.

On a church door
This is the gate of Heaven.
Enter ye all by this door.
(This door is kept locked because of the draft.
Please use side entrance)

Outside a second-hand shop
We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc.
Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.

On a quicksand sign
Any person passing this point will be drowned.
By order of the District Council.

In a dry cleaner's window
Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days
will be disposed of.

In a health food shop window
Closed due to illness.

Spotted in a safari park
Elephants Please Stay In Your Car

Seen during a conference
For anyone who has children and doesn't know it,
there is a day care on the first floor.

Notice in a field
The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free,
but the bull charges.

Message on a leaflet
If you cannot read,
this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.

On a repair shop door
We can repair anything
(Please knock hard on the door
The bell doesn't work)

On a toilet in a London office block
Toilet out of order.
Please use floor below.

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Church Bulletins
Actual announcements taken from church bulletins:

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight,
the topic will be "What is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Don't let worry kill you,
let the church help.

For those of you who have children and don't know it,
we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet.
All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind
and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday.

The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer,
the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

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The service will close with "Little Drops of Water".
One of the ladies will start, and the rest of the congregation will join in.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church.
Children will be baptised at both ends.

This being Easter Sunday,
we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club.
All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.

Thursday night, potluck supper.
Prayer and medication to follow.

Tuesday at 4:00 pm there will be an ice cream social.
All ladies giving milk will please come early.

Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet.
Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

(from Jim S)

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Last week, the Round-Up looked at the
Electronic Communications Bill
(not literally - I still haven't read it I'm afraid, the weather's been too nice).

We dared publish an Email we received from a
reader who claimed that MPs may not know the
difference between a kettle and a computer.

One honourable member sent us a rather splendid
response which suggests that maybe he and his colleagues
know more about IT than we'd imagined:

'Incidentally, I do know the difference between a kettle and a computer.
The former is a device that can make coffee and help an MP in his work,
and the latter does neither.'

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Last Modified: Copyright ©The Delineator 1999