Black holes are where God has divided by zero.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend
But she left me before we met.
Quantum Mechanics
The dreams stuff is made of.
Computers are not intelligent
They only think they are.
Time flies like an arrow but fruit flies like a banana.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
I used up all my sick days
So I'm calling in dead.
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My software never has bugs
It just develops random features.
All my life I wanted to be someone
I guess I should have been more specific.
There is so much sand in Northern Africa
That if it were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
Anybody can win
Unless there happens to be a second entrant.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
A king's castle is his home.
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Anarchy is better than no government at all.
Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
Automobile - A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people.
Be moderate where pleasure is concerned, avoid fatigue.
Of the choice of two evils
I pick the one I've never tried before.
Brain - the apparatus with which we think that we think.
Computer hackers do it all night long.
Computer modellers simulate it first.
Computer programmers don't byte
They nibble a bit.
Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
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Computers are not intelligent
They only think they are.
Courage is your greatest present need.
CLEARASOL - Effective sunspot remover.
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
Death is Nature's way of saying 'slow down'.
Do something unusual today
Accomplish work on the computer.
Documentation is like sex:
When it's good, it's fantastic, when it's bad...
Don't force it
Get a larger hammer.
Don't hate yourself in the morning...
Sleep till noon.
Drive defensively
Buy a tank.
Earn cash in your spare time
Blackmail friends.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them use to reality.
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Familiarity breeds children.
God didn't create the world in days
He pulled an all-nighter on the 6th.
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
Gay Abandon
Homosexual repellent perfume.
He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Help support helpless victims of computer error.
Whoknow's Law:
If it is good, they will stop making it.
History does not repeat itself
Historians merely repeat each other.
I'm defending her honour
Which is more than she ever did.
If you don't change your direction
You may end up where you were headed.
If you're not part of the solution
Be part of the problem!
I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice.
In the field of observation
Chance favours only the prepared minds.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
It works better if you plug it in.
It's not hard to meet expenses
They're everywhere.
Jury - Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
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Life is what happens to you while you are planning to do something else.
Life's a bitch
Then you die.
Grumble's Law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
Mediocrity thrives on standardisation.
Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
Reality's the only obstacle to happiness.
Screw up your life
You've screwed everything else up.
Gold's law: If Murphy's law can go wrong it will.
Some grow with responsibility, others just swell.
SQWERTY - Computer keyboard sized down for use by children.
The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.
The road to success is always under construction.
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Those who can't write
Write help files.
To be, or not to be
Those are the parameters.
To err is human
To really foul things up requires a computer.
Today is the last day of your life so far.
Wasting time is an important part of life.
When all else fails
Read the instructions.
When in doubt
Don't bother.
When in doubt
Ignore it.
Xerox does it again and again and again and...
Can racing drivers deduct speeding tickets?
If a fly didn't have wings,
would it be called a walk?
How much wood can a woodchuck chuck?
Can an ambidextrous person make an off hand remark?
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Do you feed a boogie fever?
If you're born again,
do you have two bellybuttons?
Why don't they invent a cordless extension cord?
Why is it when driving and looking for an address,
we turn down the radio?
Why do people remember where they were when someone famous was killed?
(Do they have to prove an alibi?)
Does condensed milk comes from smaller cows?
If a turtle loses its shell,
is it considered naked or homeless?
Why did the chicken really cross the road?
Why does an alarm clock go off, by going on?
If a vampire cannot see its reflection,
how is their hair always so neat?
Why is cheese so secret that we must shred it?
When a cow laughs does milk come out its nose?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to cure it?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
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Can you tell how old a pirate is by cutting off his peg leg and counting the rings?
Do Scottish Terriers get Scotch tapeworms?
Does the person who inventories sheep often fall asleep on the job?
What is another word for thesaurus?
Why do we put suits in a Garment Bag and put garments in a suitcase?
If a person thinks marathons are superior to sprints, is that racism?
If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?
Can fat people go Skinny Dipping?
How do you let someone know you painted a wet paint sign?
Is it possible to have a civil war?
Why do they call it a TV Set, when there is only one?
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What happens if you get scared to death twice?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Should crematoriums give a discount to burn victims?
Is animal shampoo tested on humans?
Why don't they call moustaches mouth brows?
Could it be that Boulders are statues of big rocks?
Do fish get thirsty?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill themselves,
would that be considered a hostage situation?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Do bleach blondes pretend to have more fun?
Why is it when you transport something by car its called a shipment,
but when you transport something by ship its called cargo?
Why isn't the word phonetic spelt like it sounds?
Why is it a pair of pants,
but only one shirt?
Why do croutons have an expiration date?
Why does Santa work only one night a year?
Do elves really wear those shoes with the curling tips?
Is there another word for synonym?
Do police sketch artists start out by drawing chalk outlines?
Would they invent fireproof matches?
Should a mute be yelled at for talking with their hands full?
Would they invent a solar powered torch
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Do you think it is illegal to yell "Theatre" in a crowded fire?
Do chickens think rubber humans are funny?
Do cannibals get hungry one hour after eating a Chinese man?
If Barbie is so popular
Why do you have to buy her friends?
For Sale: Parachute.
Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Corduroy pillows:
They're making headlines!
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
I couldn't repair your brakes,
so I made your horn louder.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
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Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
I intend to live forever - so far, so good
I love defenceless animals,
especially in a good gravy
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
Mental backup in progress
Do Not Disturb!
Mind Like A Steel Trap
Rusty And Illegal In States
Quantum Mechanics
The dreams stuff is made of.
Support bacteria
They're the only culture some people have
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way,
you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
If I worked as much as others,
I would do as little as they.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...
If everything seems to be going well,
you have obviously overlooked something.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
When I'm not in my right mind,
my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Everyone has a photographic memory.
Some just don't have film.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
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Energiser Bunny arrested,
charged with battery.
I poured Spot remover on my dog.
Now he's gone.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Laughing stock:
Cattle with a sense of humour.
Wear short sleeves!
Support your right to bare arms!
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
Everyone has a photographic memory.
Some don't have film
Save the whales.
Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.
On the other hand
you have different fingers.
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Change is inevitable
except from a vending machine.
Back up my hard drive?
How do I put it in reverse?
I just got lost in thought.
It was unfamiliar territory
Seen it all, done it all
can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword
Get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked
In a parallel universe.
He's not dead
he's electro-encephalographically challenged.
She's always late
Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living
have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Atheism is a non-profit organisation.
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He who laughs last
thinks slowest.
The sex was so good
that even the neighbours had a cigarette.
Good girls get fat
bad girls get eaten.
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile
You Will Be Assimilated.
Jesus is coming
everyone look busy.
Born free...
taxed to death.
The more people I meet
the more I like my dog.
Some people are alive only because
it's illegal to kill them.
A barman is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
All men are idiots ...
I married their king.
Work is for people who don't know how to skive.
Hard work has a future payoff,
laziness pays off now.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Missing your cat?
Try looking under my tyres.
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I love cats ...
dead ones
I love cats ...
they taste just like chicken
Out of my mind
Back in five minutes.
Cover me.
I'm changing lanes.
Hang up and drive.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy
other times I let her sleep
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... ...
Not screaming like his passengers ...
Jesus died for my sins
and all I got was this lousy T-shirt
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
It IS as BAD as you think,
and they ARE out to get you.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
Wink, I'll do the rest!
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
When there's a will
I want to be in it!
I love animals...
they're delicious.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals
why are they made of meat?
Time is the best teacher
Unfortunately it kills all its students!
It's lonely at the top
but you eat better.
Warning:
Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
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I know what you're thinking
and you should be ashamed of yourself.
Don't drink and drive
you might hit a bump and spill your drink.
People say I have a drinking problem
I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem!
Elvis is dead
and I'm not feeling to good myself.
We are born naked, wet and hungry
Then things get worse.
Make it idiot proof
and someone will make a better idiot.
A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
Always remember you're unique,
just like everyone else.
Friends help you move.
Real friends help you move bodies.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness
That annoying time between naps.
I support public edekasion
Be nice to your kids
They'll choose your nursing home.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Ever stop to think
and forget to start again?
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
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Things to think about...
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
Do they sterilise the needles for lethal injections?
Does 'virgin wool' come from sheep the shepherd hasn't caught yet?
How did a fool and his money get together?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot at them?
If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon on the pan?
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat comedians because they taste funny?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
What do they use to ship Styrofoam?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
What's another word for thesaurus?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why is dyslexia such a hard word to spell?
Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
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New words for the new millennium
Blamestorming:
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
Chainsconsultant:
Outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
Cube farm:
Office filled with cubicles.
Idea hamsters:
People who always seem to have their idea generator running.
Mouse potato:
The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
Prairie dogging:
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
SITCOMs:
(Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage)
What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
Starter marriage:
A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
Stress puppy:
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
Swiped out:
ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
Tourists:
People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs.
"We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."
Treeware:
Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
Xerox subsidy:
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
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Alpha geek:
The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.
Chips & Salsa:
Chips = hardware Salsa = software
"Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa.
Reintarnation:
Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Foreploy:
Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Giraffiti:
Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm:
The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte:
To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis:
Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis:
A degenerate disease.
Karmageddon:
It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right?
And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
Glibido:
All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect:
The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Intaxication:
Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Ignoranus:
A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
(from Jane)
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