Can I call you sometime?
I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner?
I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Do you want to go to see a film?
I'd eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance?
I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Let's talk
I am trying to impress you
by showing that I am a deep person
then maybe then you'd like to have sex with me
I love you
Let's have sex now
I love you, too
Okay, I've said it...
Now can we have sex now!
You look tense, let me give you a massage
I want to fondle you
Will you marry me?
I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys
I'm bored
Do you want to have sex?
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I'm hungry
I'm hungry
I'm sleepy
I'm sleepy
I'm tired
I'm tired
I like that one better (whilst shopping)
Pick any bloody dress and let's go home!!!
Nice dress!
Nice cleavage!
Yes, I like your new hair style
£50 and it doesn't look any different!
Yes, I like your new hair style
I liked it better before
What's wrong?
I guess sex tonight is out of the question
What's wrong?
I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this
What's wrong?
What meaningless self-inflicted psychological
trauma are you going through now?
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A lovers look at the female
From 15 to 20, women are like Africa
Part virgin and part explored.
From 21 to 35, women are like Asia
Hot and exotic.
From 35 to 45, they are like the United States
Fully explored and free with their resources.
From 45 to 55, they are like Europe
Exhausted, but still interesting in places.
From 55 on, they are like Australia
Everybody knows it's down there but nobody cares very much.
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Casino
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table.
A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless."
With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!"
She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. "YES! I WIN! I WIN!"
With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves.
The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.
Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"
The other answers, "I thought YOU were watching!"
(from JimS)
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Letter imperfect
Dear Son,
I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address because the last Liverpool family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice.
It even has a washing machine.
I'm not sure it works so well though:
last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here.
It only rained twice last week, the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday.
We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle.
The baby looks just like your brother....
Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week.
Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned.
We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck.
Ralph was driving.
He rolled down the window and swam to safety.
Your other two friends were in back.
They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time.
Nothing much has happened.
Love, Mom
P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
(from Jane)
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Car Fan?
This lady is shopping in a supermarket when she notices
this handsome muscular guy helping at the checkouts.
Making sure she goes through the queue she leans over
and asks if he'll carry her groceries out to which he responds, "Sure lady".
They no sooner get out of the store and she again leans over and whispers,
"You know, I have an Itchy Pussy"
He responds, "You'll have to point it out to me lady,
all those Japanese cars look alike!!"
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Advert
A mother had three daughters and, on their wedding,
she told each one to write to her about their married life.
To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands
by openly discussing their love lives,
the mother and daughters agreed to use newspaper adverts
as a 'code' to let the mother know how their love lives are going.
The first one got married, the second day the letter arrives
with a simple message,
"Maxwell House Coffee"
Mother got the newspaper and checked the
Maxwell House Coffee advert, it read
"Good to the last drop..."
So, Mother is happy.
Then the second daughter got married.
After a week, there was a message that read
"SleepEezee Mattresses"
The Mother looked at the SleepEezee Mattresses ad, it read
"Full Size - King Size"
And Mother is happy.
Then it was the third one's wedding.
Mother was anxious.
It took four weeks for the message
"British Airways"
to arrive.
And mother read into the British Airways ad,
but this time she fainted.
"Three Times a Day, Seven Days a Week, Both Ways."
(from The 'Lady')
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Three Times a Lady
A middle-aged man and woman met,
fell in love and got married.
On their wedding night they settled into
the bridal suite and the wife said to her new husband,
"Please promise to be gentle. I'm still a virgin."
"But how can that be?"
the startled husband said.
"You've been married three times before."
"Well," she explained,
"my first husband was a psychiatrist,
and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.
My second husband was a gynaecologist,
and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.
And my third husband was a stamp collector,
and all he ever wanted to do was...
.....God, I miss him!"
(from Jim S)
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Mommy?
A woman was pregnant again and trying
to explain to her little girl how it happened.
She explained how a baby was growing in her tummy,
and how it took and egg and a sperm.
How Daddy made the sperm, and Mommy made the egg.
The little girl asks,
"So if it takes a sperm and an egg to make a baby,
and the egg is already in your tummy,
then how does the sperm get in there.
Does Mommy swallow it?"
"She does if she wants a new car."
Differences between good and bad girls
Good girls blush during sex scenes in a movie
Bad girls know they could do it better.
Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons
Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it
Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.
Good girls pack their toothbrush
Bad girls pack their diaphragms
Good girls prefer the missionary position.
Bad girls do too, but only for starters
Good girls say 'no'.
Bad girls say 'when?'
Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have sex
Bad girls think no place is the wrong place.
Good girls think they're not fully dressed
without a strand of pearls
Bad girls think they ARE
fully dressed with just a strand of pearls
Good girls wax their floors
Bad girls wax their bikini lines
Good girls wear high heels to work
Bad girls wear high heels to bed
Good girls wear white cotton panties
Bad girls don't wear any
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Ways to Know If You Have PMS
Everyone else has an attitude problem
Everybodies head looks like an invitation for batting practice
The drier has shrunk each and every pair of your jeans
The paracetamol bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday
Your man is suddenly agreeing to everything you say
Your using the mobile phone to ring every bumper sticker that says,
"How's my Driving?
Call 0800 - 555 - 1234"
You're adding chocolate chunks to your cheese omelette
You're convinced there IS a God and that He is Male
You're counting down the days until your menopause
You're sure that everyone around you is scheming to drive you mad
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PMS Questions and Answers
What can I do to end the havoc created every 28 days?
Absolutely nothing.
Will it ever end?
Sure, but you'll be so old you won't notice.
Why is it that I'm wrong so much during this awful time?
You just are, cope with it. Someone must bear the blame.
Can I just pack up and go out with the boys?
Only if you are heavily insured and have a death wish.
(Thanks Andrea)
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What should I do to cope with this?
Glad you asked... (take notes)
|
1 |
Pamper your woman!
Shower her with love and affection. |
|
|
2 |
Duck (a lot). |
|
|
3 |
Let her vent. |
|
|
4 |
Remember, she probably doesn't mean it.
If #3 does not apply, you deserve every bit of it...
Don't whine. |
|
|
5 |
Making dinner will lessen the trauma, take note:
Burnt food will only add to your pain - Get Take-Away |
|
|
6 |
Speak only when spoken to
Limit your replies to:
"Yes, of course you're right darling" and
"Those jeans never fit better." |
|
|
7 |
Educate yourself on the magic pills your loved one prefers
keeping them on hand is a bonus point for you. |
|
|
8 |
Keep small children (and other helpless creatures) out of their path.
This will keep the casualties to a minimum. |
|
|
9 |
Gifts and "shiny" tokens of affection are advised, just remember these words:
Harrod's, Debenhams & Thorntons. |
|
|
10 |
Always remember, you are against something way beyond your power...
Real men buy necessities at the store! |
|
(Thanks Andrea)
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T-Shirts for Girls!
Next mood swing:
6 minutes.
I hate everybody, and you're next.
And your point is?
I used to be schizophrenic,
but we're OK now.
I'm busy
You're ugly
Have a nice day.
Warning:
I have an attitude
and I know how to use it
Remember my name
You'll be screaming it later.
Don't worry
It'll only seem kinky the first time..
Of course I don't look busy...
I did it right the first time.
Why do people with closed minds
always open their mouths?
I'm multitalented:
I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
Do NOT start with me.
You will NOT win.
You have the right to remain silent,
so please SHUT UP.
All stressed out and no one to choke.
Theresa was studying public speaking,
when she was given an assignment to give a short speech on sex.
Here's what she said:
"It gives me great pleasure.
Thank You."
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Puzzled
One morning this blonde calls her friend and says,
"Please come over and help me.
I bought this killer jigsaw puzzle,
but I can't figure out how to start it"
Her friend asks, "What is it a puzzle of?"
The blonde says, "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
The blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles,
so he heads over to her place to help her out.
She lets him in the door and shows him to
where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box.
He then turns to her and says,
"First, no matter what I do,
I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble
these to look like the picture of that tiger.
Second, I'd advise you to relax,
have a cup of coffee,
and put all these Frosties back in the box."
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Seven Times
There once was a young woman who went to confession.
Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then drink the juice.
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
"No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
(from Jane)
Minor Harassment
A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice.
The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why.
The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says, "What's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice."
The woman replies, "He's a midget"
(from JimS)
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