Jokes for 18/01/2000

Tom, the town handy man was called on to install wall-to-wall carpeting for the mayor's wife.
Arriving early, Tom spent all day installing the carpet. Just as he was finishing, the mayor's wife decided the carpet was the wrong color.
Arriving early the next day, he pulled up the old carpet and put down the new.
Again just as he was about to leave, the mayor's wife came in and declared the nap of the carpet was all wrong.
The third day he arrived early again determined to lay the new carpet and get out of the house before the mayor's wife could find something wrong with this carpet.
As he was rounding up his tools to go home he noticed a lump under the carpet in the middle of the living room. He felt his shirt pocket for his cigarettes - they were gone. After spending three days carpeting the same house he was not about to take the carpet back up. Finding a two by four he pounded the lump smooth. Carrying his tools back to his truck, Tom spotted his cigarettes on the seat of the truck at the same moment he heard the mayor's wife say, "Have you seen my parakeet?"

The teacher was addressing her class of young children. "So, children, today we are going to run through the letters of the alphabet, and see which words we know". She scanned her eyes round the attentive young faces. "Ok ", she said, "Who can tell me a word beginning with the letter 'A'?"
Little Johnny at the back shot his hand in the air.
"Yes, Johnny - Go on".
"ARSE, miss".
"Oh.... er... well, yes, I suppose so."Now, who knows a word beginning with 'B'?"
Once again Johnny's hand flew into the air.
"Go on then Johnny".
"BASTARD, Miss".
"Oh dear. But yes, you're right. Now then, who knows a word beginning with 'C'? On second thought, we'll skip that and move on to 'D'. Who knows a word beginning with the letter 'D'?"
Little Johnny's hand flies up. The teacher thinks about it for a moment, and then says: "Ok, Johnny, go on..."
"DWARF, miss."
"Oh, very good, Johnny. Do you know what a dwarf is?"
"Yes miss. A short-arse squat little cunt about three feet high."

It was a student nurses first day on the Maternity ward. In order to make a good impression, she went straight to the Senior nurse and asked if their was anything she could do to help.
The Senior nurse was pleased with her enthusiasm said, "Yes, thank you. Here is little Matthew, he hasn't beeen well lately and you could give him a bath while I attend to the other babies."
After 40 minutes the Senior nurse began to wonder where the student nurse had got to, so went for a look. When she looked into the bathroom she saw the student nurse there with two fingers up the baby's nose, swilling him around the bath.
"What are you doing", screamed the Senior nurse. "That's not how you bathe a baby!"
"It is when the water's this fucking hot!!!" Replied the student.