Ronan Vibert, Vibertology, Mummy, Talos, Vibert
n.  Talos, the Mummy/
Russell Mulcahy's Tales of the Mummy (US)
US Movie 1998:     Ronan content: approx  4%   (119 mins UK/88 US)
Character: Young, arrogant stripper of Egyptian antiquities
Cast: Jason Scott Lee Riley, Louise Lombard Samantha Turkel, Sean Pertwee Bradley Cortese, Lysette Anthony Dr Clare Mulrooney, Michael Lerner Professor Marcus, 
Honor Blackman Captain Shea, Christopher Lee Sir Richard Turkel, Ronan Vibert Young
Dir: Russell Mulcahy
Availablity: not available in UK. DVD and video available in US
Plot/Comments:
Talos opens well, with just the right combination of hammy acting and tension for a 
ripping take on the traditional mummy movie. However, it all goes to hell as soon as Vibert and Lee suffer Death By Bad Special Effects just before the opening titles.
             Set in a huge archaeological dig c.1930s, nice Sir Richard Turkel (a typically wooden but cool Christopher Lee), is forced by (Captain?) Young -- an arrogant, 
impatient, ultra-cynical Vibert -- to excavate the foreboding and heavily-cursed tomb of the unspeakably evil Talos, who 'confused terror with pleasure'. 
As the forces of the Undead are unleashed, and the 
explorers turn to dust, Turkel manages to detonate a
dynamite charge, thereby protecting the outside world from the horror within...
    ...Until a modern excavation, led by Turkel's grand-daughter unearths the tomb and Talos' somewhat unique resting place, setting in motion a final 
Armageddon of crawling bandages and hell-on-earth type stuff.

Which sounds much better than it is. It is simply 
stunning how bad this movie becomes as soon as the opneing  titles have finished: as much as I liked Mulcahy's cheesy-but-good Highlander, this is simply nonsensical hokum without humour; so wooden it's rotting. 
The rest of the acting is supremely dull, and actors who are normally terrific, such as the superb Sean Pertwee and Honor Blackman, wander around in their own private hell of having to do something with the script: Pertwee's gem is "He's waiting in purgatory for the day of his rebirth...which happens to be this Thursday". This is probably his best line.

The US version is 30 minutes shorter than the water-torture Euro film. 
     Presumably this makes for a more 'action-packed' movie, which makes me wonder...You can almost hear some studio executive demanding more action and big explosions to make it more commercial: for instance, set in London, it has Joe Public pulling out (mighty illegal) shotguns from their cars for no apparent reason, and all the bumbling British 
coppers run around with (equally illegal) sidearms, deferring to Jason Scott Lee's Crack American Cop rather like Baldrick does to Blackadder. It's just embarrassing.

Perhaps this started out as a tense, Se7en-esque murder-by-numbers, and the studio 
interfered it to death. Perhaps Mulcahy has gone mad. Perhaps it's just a Piece of Shit. 
Words cannot describe...
Back Highlander: the Raven
Next Ocean Acrobats
Next Gimme Gimme Gimme
VIBERTOGRAPHY
Ronan content:
This is either an 'easy American money' project (my terminology and pure conjecture), or it originally looked much better on paper. 
Thankfully, his character dies after the first 5 minutes: it's one of the rare 
occasions that you're glad he's not in it for longer -- it would have been too 
depressing for his talents to be 
squandered any further on this Piece of  Shit (like Pertwee).
Typical Ronan Character Quotes:
  • "Of course it's a curse -- what sort of respectable mummy would get buried without slamming a good whammy on?"
  • "We've been down here for damn near nine months...now, you can be at my side and share in the glory, or you can read about it from an English prison cell"
  • "In English, Sabu, or no more bubble juice"


Trainspotter Comments and Queries:

  • US version missing around 30 mins of aimless footage. Vibertology quota is the same
  • IMdB database lists locations as Luxembourg (as perShadow of the Vampire) and one day of shooting in London.


 
In comparison to the other characters here, it's a good part, although yet another Arrogant Toff. 
Despite my 'slight' misgivings about the movie after this opening sequence, the 
Vibertologist gets a tan, stubble, and plenty of closeups.

Vibert delivers some really venomous lines: he's an amoral, imperialistic, swaggering, glory-hound.
He'd make a great Flashman.