THE GREATHAM SWORD DANCE PLAY

Dancers: 	The King, Mr. Sparks, Mr. Stout, Mr. Wild, The Squire's Son, The Prince



Clowns: 	Rantom Tom, True Blue (Hector), The Doctor

RANTOM TOM
My master sent me here, some room for tp provide,
So therefore gentle dears, stand back on every side,
For if he should come and find no room, he will bind me in his belt,
He will lay me down upon the ground and thrash me like a whelp,
He will make my bones like mice bones, like the ribs of little rats.
I once went a-courting to one Susie Perkins
Where the dogs and the cats made such a bow-wowing and barking I forgot what to say.
What the dickens must I say?
Gurn before your nose and see before your eyes,
And if you can't mind, some of these bonny lads will take you by surprise.

Sings to I st tune
They sent me before ro knock at your door
To see if you'd let us come in.
Although I'm a clown they call me a fool,
To please our gallant fine king.
Although I am little I'm made of good metal
I'll scorn for to tell you a lie:
I once killed an urchin as big as myself,
Which made me both lamb and goose pie.
My coat is made of stand-off, stand-off,
My trousers are made of mohair,
My stockings and shoes, they are made of refuse,
And my sword is "Come strike if you dare."

He strikes at the air with his sword

Mr. STOUT
sings to 2nd tune
Our King he will come in, dressed in his grandarie,
He'll call his young men in by one by two by three.

KING
walks round in a connter-clockwise circle and sings to 2nd tune
Now the first is Mr. Sparks, he's lately come from France;
He's the first man on our list and the second in our dance.

MR. SPARKS
follows King and sings
God bless your honoured fame and all your young men too:
I've come to act my part as well as I can do.

KING
The next is Mr. Stout, as I do understand,
As good a swordsman he, as ever took sword in hand.

Mr. STOUT
following Mr. Sparks
I often have been tried in city, town and field,
I never could meet the man that ever could make me yield.

KING
The next that I call on, he is a squire's son;
I'm afraid he'll lose his love because he is too young.

SQUIRES SON
following Mr. Wild
Although I be too young, I have money for to roam,
I'll freely spend it all before I'll lose my love.

KING
The last he is a prince, he is born of noble fame;
He spent a large estate the wars for to maintain.

PRINCE
following Squire's Son
Although I be the last, my name I'll not deny,
Although I be the last, my valour here I'll try,
And I'll not daunted be, although I be the last,
For I can act my part as well as all the rest.

1st CLOWN
Nay but I'm the last mesel, my name is Rantom Tom,
and the lasses you've got here I'll kiss them every one.

2nd CLOWN
Gadzooks I clean forgot that I was one of your crew,
If you want to know my name, my name it is True Blue.

ALL
We are six dancers bold, as bold as you can see.
We have come to dance this dance to please the company.
Our dancers are but young, and seldom danced before,
We will do the best we can, the best can do no more.
It's not for greedy gain this ramble we do take,
But what you please to give our clowns will freely take.
You've seen us all go round, so think of us what you will;
Music strike up and play, we're the lads from Greatham still.

2nd CLOWN
Here comes I that never come yit,
With my big head and my little wit:
Although my head be big and my wit be small,
I can act my part as well as you all.
So room! Room! my brave gallants (Swings his sword round) Listen what I've got to say.
My name is bold Hector and I'll clear the way;
Hector, Hector, the barberry bush, me mother's sister's son-in-law.
There's great Tom Paynes standing staring, swearing at the door
And he winnat come in, he's a poor silly fool like thee [to King]
He'll swear more over one inch of candle than thou wouldst over a
ten-pound note burning away.
[to King] Harks thee my canny man, listen what I've got to say,
Wasn't that thou stealing swine the other day?

KING
Stealinp what?

2nd CLOWN
Feeding swine, I meant to say.

KING
Come young men and try your rapiers on this villain, or he'll stand prating to me all day.
[to Clown] We're going to try you for sheep stealing.
The dancers then make the Lock about the Clown loosely,
each man turning clockwise on the spot and standing with
hilt crossed over point.

2nd CLOWN
Will you give me time to make my will and say my prayers?
[The dancers assent]
My son Basto I'll leave thee my old spotted cow, and see that thou takes, eood care of her.

ALL
So I will Dad!

2nd CLOWN
My son Taylor, I'll leave thee my lapp-board and shears, and see that thou makes good use of them.

ALL
So will I Dad!

2nd CLOWN
My son Fiddler, I'll leave thee my backbone for fiddlestick, small bones for fiddle-strings.
[to King] And as for thou, I'll leave thee the ringbone of my eye for a Jack-whistle.
So ladies and gentlemen all, I bid you all farewell.

The dancers tighten up the Lock around the Clown's neck
and then draw their swords and the Clown falls down dead.

KING
A doctor! A doctor! Ten pounds for a doctor!

DOCTOR
enters
Here am I, what is thy will with me?

KING
Here's a man fallen upstairs and broken his neck.

DOCTOR
Fallen upstairs and broken his neck! I never heard tell of such a thing.

KING
Downstairs I mean, Doctor; thou's so full of thee catches.
Where cost thou live. Doctor?

DOCTOR
I live in Itty-titty, where there's neither town nor city,
Wooden churches with black puddings for bell-ropes;
Little dogs and cats running about with knives and forks stuck in their paws, shouting, "God Save the Queen."

KING
How far cost thou travel, Doctor?

DOCTOR
From the fireside to the bedside.

KING
What, and no further?

DOCTOR
Yes, the cheese-and-bread cupboard.

KING
I thought thou was a cheese-and-bread eater.
What is thy fee, Doctor?

DOCTOR
My fee is, £19-19s-11¾d, but £19-19s-1¾ s I'll take from thee.

KING
Well! Set to work Doctor and I'll see thee paid or unpaid in the morning.

DOCTOR
That will never do for me - "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush," so I'll go home, indeed that I will.

KING
Nay! Nay! Stay Doctor and I'll see thee paid out of my own pocket.

DOCTOR
How long has this man been dead?

KING
Tust half-an-hour since we took off his head.

DOCTOR
It's a long time for a man to be dead and brought alive again, but however I'll try my skill.
Examines Clown
Here's a leg broken and an arm broken and his wind-cutter's loose.
No matter ladies and gentlemen, I am a doctor who travels far and near and much at home;
Take these my pills to cure all ills - the past, the present and to come.
The gout, the itch, the sores, the stitch, the money-grubs and the burley-stubs,
All out of this little dandarious box of mine;
Thousands have I erected and as many more distracted.
Now is there any young man in this company got a scolding wife?
Bring her to me in the morning and I'll give her one pill of the sivil that'll send her headlong to the civil.
So I'm a doctor that can cure all aches, pains, cramps and sprains,
And take away all wrinkles, hiccough, headache, backache, bellyache, toothache and migraine.
I'll make the paper smock to crack, and soon remove the pain of love and cure the love-sick maid,
The young, the old, the hot, the cold, the living and the dead.
I can make the deaf to hear, the dumb to speak, the lame to walk and fly.

KING
Dame Doctor, you lie!

DOCTOR
How can I lie when I'm walking on this ground? - I'm better than any doctor.
I can cure any pretty maid that goes bow-legged, old bones, strange in back;
Big stout maids and whisky-jades.
I can make any person or persons fly over nine iron hedges,
Such as old Kate Rickerburn, the mother of fifteen dead, born alive;
Two misfortunes in one night; broke a pot, cut her arm,
And besides that the old lady could crack a marble.
Now is there any young women in this company would like a little of my ink-a-tink, white drops of life? Produces a Bottle
Look here, when I was late in Asia, I gave two spoonfuls to the great Megull, my grandmother,
Which caused her to have two boys and three girls.
She was then the age of ninety-nine, and she swore if she lived nine hundred years longer, she would never be without two spoonfuls of this excellent cordial of mine for a safe deliverance on a cold and frosty morning.
Two spoonfuls will cure the cuckle and take away its horns.
So my cork I'll pull out, my business to complete:
Soon you will see this young man stand up on his feet.
Gives the Clown a drink
I'll scour him over and over again. [Does so]
Judge and try, if he die, never believe me more,
But if I find his spirits fail,
I'll blow him up as if the devil was in his tail.

1st. CLOWN
Rises and sings to 2nd tune
Good morrow gentlemen, a-sleeping I have been;
I have had such a sleep as the likes was never seen;
But now I am awake and alive unto this day,
And now we'll have a dance, and the Doctor must seek his pay.