Two Plays
As performed by
Stony Stratford Mummers
(Leicestershire)
Go dirctly to: THE STONY PLAY A Combat Play
THE SPROXTON PLAY
A Wooing Play
BACKGROUND
In the East Midland Counties of Linconshire, Leicestershire, Nottinghamshire
and Rutland, the ceremony took a very distinctive form, best called the
Wooing Ceremony. Unlike the Hero-Combat versions which attracted comment
at an early date, these seem to have escaped notice. It may be that their
survival in only a small area of the country prevented them from being
better known. Whatever the reason, the earliest known example is from Bassingham
in 1823, contained in the Hunter Collection in the British Museum. The
version contains all the ingredients of those existing later in the century,
and can be defined as follows:-
The Wooer of a young "Female" is rejected in favour of a Clown
and enlists in the army. The Clown is occasionally accused of being the
father of a bastard child of an older "Female" which he denies.
The action continues with a champion overcoming an opponent who is revived
by a doctor. Much of the action is expressed in song. Characteristic performers
include the Recruiting Sergeant, Ploughboy, Lady, Clown and Dame.
(From "The English Mummers Play" by Alex Helm)
This text is the only one known which had been collected in full with the music for the songs. It has not, however, the Bastard incident, but as the performances were by children in its final days, the passage may have been deliberately omitted. In the 1890's it was acted by adult farm labourers, and was taken up by the children between 1905-8. It was performed on 'Plough Boy Night' in early January, and for some weeks prior to the performance, they practised in a pig-sty with straw on the floor.
Stony Stratford Mummers have added three extra characters, taken from the Kirmington (Linconshire) Play. These are Bold Tom, Lame Jane and Music Jack. The character of Molly comes from the Islip (Oxfordshire) Play. These supernumeraries were added to accommodate the number of people interested in taking part, and are used as and when needed.
Characters:-
FOOL
In comes I who's never bin yet
With my big head and little wit
My head is large, and my wit is small
I can act the fool's part as well as you all.
Okum, pokum, France and Spain
Walk in Sergeant all the same
SERGEANT In comes I the Recruiting Sergeant
I've arrived here just now
I've had orders from the king
To enlist all jolly fellows that follow the carthorse at plough
Likewise tinkers, tailors, peddlers, nailers, all that take to my advance
The more I hear the fiddle play, the better I can dance
FOOL Faith lad, think I've come hear to see a fool like you dance?
SERGEANT Yes Tommy, I can dance, sing or say.
FOOL If you can dance, sing or say, well I'll quickly march away
(Dance performed here. A shortened version of Nutting Girl)
FARMERS MAN
In comes I the Farmer's Man
Don't you see my whip in hand ?
When I go to plough the land I turn it upside down.
Straight I go from end to end
I scarcely make a balk or bend
And to my horses I attend
As they go marching round the end
I shout " Come here, jee woah back ".
LADY (song)
FARMERS MAN (song)
LADY (song)
ALL SING We'll shake hands, and we'll make bands and we'll get wed tomorrow.
MOLLY In comes I, old Molly, sweeping
up.
Merry, Merry Christmas, a Happy New Year
Pocket full of money and a cellar full of beer
I had six children last night, bred them up in a tinder box
I had a slice of bread and lard given me the night before
I eat all that myself
Don't you think I'm a jolly old Mother to them all?
BOLD TOM
In comes I Bold Tom a brisk and nimble fellow
Forty gallons of your best ale will make us nice and mellow
A piece of your pork pie. For believing me I'm telling no lie
For we're all hungry as well as dry.
LAME JANE
In comes I Lame Jane, with a neck as long as a crane
Once I was a young maid, now I'm a down old widow
A wig behind and a wig before
Ware out my lads and I'll sweep the floor
(Molly and Lame Jane perform Broom dance)
MUSIC JACK
In comes I old Music Jack
I'll give you a tune before I go back
(Two verses of The Holly and The Ivy & Chorus)
FOOL Stop
stop stop to me old flip flaps.
I want to ask some of you old riff-raff to me and my old girl's wedding
What you like best you'd better bring with you
I don't know what you like best
Some like fish, some like flesh, some like fruit and frummity
What me and my old gel likes best we're going to have.
ONE OF THE OTHERS (or several, or all)
What's that Tommy?
FOOL A barley
chaff dumpling buttered with wool
Cut up in slices fit to choke an old bull
If your saucy old flats ain't satisfied with that, you'd better go without
So right away lads, we'll get wed tomorrow
ALL SING AS BEFORE
We'll shake hands, and we'll make bands and we'll get wed tomorrow.
BEELZEBUB
In comes I Beelzubub
Over my shoulder I carry my club
In me 'and a drip leather pan
Don't you think I'm a funny old man?
Any man or woman in this room dare stand before me?
FOOL Yes, I darest, 'cos me
'ead is made of iron
Me body's made of steel
Me hands are made of knuckle bone
No man can make me feel
BEELZEBUB
What? I don't care if your 'ead is made of iron
Your body made of steel
Hands are made of knuckle bone
I can make you feel
I'll smish you, smash you as small as flies
Send you to Jamaica to make mince pies
(Hits him with a club then hits on shoulder. Fool falls to ground as if helpless)
FARMERS MAN
Oh Belzie, Oh Belzie, what hast thou done?
Thou's killed the finest man under the sun
Here he lies bleeding on this cold floor
Faith never to rise no more
Five pounds for a doctor
BEELZEBUB
Ten pounds for him to stop away
What's the good of having a doctor to a dead man?
FARMERS MAN
Sixteen pounds for him to come in
Step in doctor
(The doctors at the door)
DOCTOR Whoa, boys, hold my horses head by the tail and mind he don't
kick you, he's only a donkey
I'll show you the bright side of a shilling when I come out again
In comes I the doctor
SERGEANT
You a doctor?
DOCTOR Yes, I a doctor
SERGEANT
How became you to be a doctor?
DOCTOR I travelled for it
SERGEANT
Where did you travel?
DOCTOR England, France, Ireland and Spain
And I come back to old England again
Just below York ther I cured an old woman called Cork
She fell upstairs, downstairs, over a half empty teapot full of flour,
and grazed her shin-bone above her right elbow, and made her
stocking leg bleed, I set that and made it straight again.
SERGEANT
What else can you cure?
DOCTOR Ipsy Pipsy Palsy and gout
Pains within and pains without
Set a tooth or draw a leg
And almost raise the dead to life again
SERGEANT
You must be a very clever doctor
You'd better try your experience on this young man.
DOCTOR
Just wait while I take off my big top hat, kid gloves,
and corduroy walking stick, and I feel this man's pulse
(Then he bends down, picks up his foot, and "takes his pulse" )
This man's pulse beats nineteen times to the tick of my watch,
he's in a very low way indeed, couldn't be much lower without digging a
hole
He's been living on green tater tops for three weeks all but a fortnight
This morning he tried to swalloe young wheelbarrow for his breakfast
Tried to cut his throat with a rolling pin
I'll stop him from all them tricks
Give him some of my old riff raff down his chiff chaff
That'll make him rise and fight
Also I'll give him some of my epsy doansum pills, take one tonight,
two in the morning, and the box tomorrow dinner time
If the pills don't cure digest, the box will
If he can't dance, we can sing,
So let's rise him up and we will begin
ALL SING
Good mister and good misteress as you sit round your fire
Just Think of us poor plough boys that work through mud and mire
The mire is deep so very deep we travel far and near
We'll ask you for a Christmas box and a pitcher of your best beer
We're not the London actors that act upon the stage
We are just country ploughboys that work for little wage
We're not the London actors, I've told you so before
We'll wish you all goodnight friends, and another happy new year.
End with 'We wish you a merry Christmas' during which the collection takes place.
Characters:-
All enter Singing "Old Woman Tossed Up"
Oh there was an old woman tossed up in a blanket
99 miles beyond the moon
And under one arm she carried a basket
And under the other she carried a broom
Old Woman old woman old woman cried I
Oh wither Oh wither Oh wither so high
I'm going to sweep cobwebs beyond the sky
And I'll be back with you bye and bye
OPEN YOUR DOOR
Room, room, give me room to rhyme
Open your door and let us in
We beg your favour for to win
Whether we rise stand or fall
We'll do our duty to please you all
We are come to show you our activity this Christmas time
Active youth and active age
The like was never acted on any stage
And if you don't believe what I say
Enter in St George and clear the way
ST. GEORGE
In comes I St. George a noble champion bold
Twas I who fought and won three crowns in gold
Twas I who fought the fiery dragon and bought it to it's slaughter
And by this means I won the Queen of Egypt's daughter
(points to clenched fist)
Here's England's right - here's England's wrong
I fought them all courageously
And still have gained the victory and will always fight for liberty
Here I draw my bloody weapon, show me the man who dare me stand
I'll cut him down with my courageous hand
BOLD SLASHER THE TURKISH KNIGHT
I am the man that dare you challenge
A man of courage bold
And if thy blood is running hot
I'll quickly fetch it cold
My head is made of cannon balls
My body's made of steel
My arms and legs of the first class brass
I challenge thee to feel
ST. GEORGE
Who are yopu but a silly lad?
BOLD SLASHER
I am Bold Slasher the Turkey champion
From Turkey land came I to fight you - the great St. George by name
I'll hash you and smash you as small as a fly
And send you to Turkey to make mince pies baked in an oven
And after that I shall fight every champion in Christendom
ST. GEORGE
Bold talk, Bold Slasher, bold talk I am sure
Now draw forth your sword and fight
Draw forth your purse and pay
Satisfaction we will have before you go away
BOL SLASHER
My sword it is already drawn, no money will I pay
Satisfaction I will have before you go away
(They fight)
ST GEORGE
Stand off - stand off, for your time draws nigh
BOLD SLASHER
No! Stand off you English dog for now yot die
(St George falls)
OPEN YOUR DOOR
Oh cruel cruel Moselmum
See what thou hast done
Thou hast killed and wounded mine only son
Walk in Guier with your face like fire
And see what thou canst do with this villain
GUIER I
am Guier, Guier is my name
Of English nation bred and claim
I've searched this country round and round
To find King George ten thousnad pounds
(Turns to Bold Slasher)
Battle to battle with thee I call
To see who no this ground shall fall
(They fight, Guier disarms Bold Slasher who falls to his knees)
BOLD SLASHER
Pardon O Pardon me I crave and I will be your T urkish slave
GUIER Go home,
go home you copwardly snipe
And tell them what champions in England do dwell
And if anyone should comeover from France
I'll stand on the white cliffs of Dover and dance
(Guier dances)
OPEN YOUR DOOR
Horrble! terrible!
Is there a doctor to be found to cure this man of his deadly wound?
Doctor , doctor £10 for a doctor
DOCTOR (Holding hobby horse)
I am a doctor good and rare
I've travelled this country far and near
OPEN YOUR DOOR
How camest thou to be a doctor
DOCTOR By my travels Sir!
OPEN YOUR DOOR
And what countries have you travelled most noble doctor
DOCTOR Italy, Sicily, France and Spain
Three times to the world and back again
OPEN YOUR DOOR
No further?
DOCTOR Why yes Sir a great deal further
OPEN YOUR DOOR
How much further?
DOCTOR From the fire side, upstairs and back again
OPEN YOUR DOOR
What parts do you come from most noble doctor?
DOCTOR A fortnight beyond the leather windmill where they
digs ducks,
shears owls and leads blind geese to water in timber chains.
I went down a long narrow broad short lane and there I met a
pigsty tied to an elder bush built with apple dumplings and
thatched with pancakes.
I knocked at the maid and the door came out and asked me
if I could eat a glass of beer and drink a crust of bread and cheese.
I said thank you kindly but I meant no please.
OPEN YOUR DOOR
What pains can you cure most noble doctor?
DOCTOR The hipsy, pipsy, the palsy and the gout
If the old mans in I'll furk him out.
OPEN YOUR DOOR
What's thy fee doctor?
DOCTOR Well £10 is my fee
But I must take fifteen of thee before I set this gallant free
OPEN YOUR DOOR
Rather a high fee doctor!
DOCTOR Well as you are a poor man I will throw off a farthing
That will make it fourteen pounds nineteen shillings
and eleven pence three farthings
(looks round)
Jack! where's Jack?
Walk in Jack Finney and hold my horse
JACK FINNEY
My name aint Jack Finney
My name aint John Finney
Me name's Mister Finney and I'm a man of great strenght
Cured an old magpie of toothache yeaterday
OPEN YOUR DOOR
Oh yes, how's that
JACK FINNEY
Well I twisted his old head off, throwed his body in a dry ditch
and drowned him
Then I went off the morrow, about ten days after, picks up this
little magpie, rammed me arm down it's throat, turned him inside
out and made as good a magpie as ever walked on a pair of patterns
DOCTOR Hold my horse Jack Finney
JACK FINNEY
Will he bite?
DOCTOR No
JACK FINNEY
Will he kick?
DOCTOR No
JACK FINNEY
Takes two to hold him
DOCTOR No
JACK FINNEY
Hold him yerself then!
DOCTOR What's that you saucy young rascal?
JACK FINNEY
Got him fast by the tail Sir
DOCTOR Good, rack him up with a faggot and fuzz, and give
him a bucket
of ashes to drink. Then rub him dry with a wet snowball
JACK FINNEY
Do it yerself Sir
DOCTOR What's that you saucy young rascal?
JACK FINNEY
I'll do it myself Sir
OPEN YOUR DOOR
Now see what this young man wants doing to
DOCTOR (Examines St George)
Well Sir, he wants a tooth drawn and a little wind put into him
Jack Finney fetch my tooth drawing tack
JACK FINNEY
Fetch it yerself Sir
DOCTOR What's that?
JACK FINNEY
I'm going as fast as I cvan Sir
(Jack Finney throws implements on the floor)
DOCTOR Well what do'st you want to throw 'em down there for?
JACK FINNEY
For thee to pick 'em up
DOCTOR What's that you saucy young rascal?
JACK FINNEY
For me to pick 'em up
DOCTOR Well pick 'em up and be quick about it
(Jack Finney and Doctor draw tooth from St Georges mouth)
Stony Stratford Mummers use a large wooden tooth onto which are tied
2 walnuts
on a long piece of string
JACK FINNEY
Be it out Sir?
DOCTOR Looks more like a Jackass tooth than a Christians
Now I have a little bottle in my left hand waist coat
pocket called Okum Pokum
Here jack take a little of my nip nap, put it in your snip snack
Rise up Jack and fight again
(St. George arises)
Ladies and gentlemen standing round
See I've cured this man safe and sound
I've healed his wounds and cleansed his blood
And gave him something that done him good
Aint I Jack?
ST. GEORGE
Yes and I liked it too. Come in Beelzebub
BEELZEBUB
In comes I old Beelzebub
And on my back I carries my club
And in my hand the dripping pan
I thinks myself a jolly old man
Last Christmas night I turned the spit
I burnt me finger and felt it itch
The sparks flew over the table
The pot-lid kicked the ladle
Up jumped spit jack like a mansion man
Swore he'd fight the dripping pan with his long tail
Swore he'd send them all to jail
In comes the grid iron, if you can't agree
I'm the justice bring um to me
MISER In comes I the old miser with
all me old rags
For wants of money I am forced to cadge
My pockets are lined with cat skin
And they're getting very thin
So I would like a little of your Christmas money
To line them well within
BIG HEAD
In comes I old Big Head
With me big head and me little wits
Me heads so big and me wits so small
So here is a rhyme to please you all
(To the tune of 'The Red Flag')
Father died the other night and left me all his riches
A wooden leg, a feather bed, a pair of leather breeches
A cooffee pot without a spout, a jug without a handle
A guinea without a wig, and half a farthing candle
Sing brothers sing
ALL SING
The Holly and the Ivy
When they are both full grown
Of all the trees that are in the wood
The holly bears the crown
The rising of the sun
And the running of the deer
The playing of the merry organ
Sweet singing in the choir
The holly bears a blossom
As white as the lilly flower
And Mary bore sweet Jesus Christ
To be our sweet saviour
------------------------------------------------
Christmas is a-coming and the goose is getting fat
Please put a penny in the old mans hat
If you haven't got a penny a ha'penny will do
If you haven't got a ha'penny well God bless you
| Top of page (The Sproxton Play) | Top of The Stony Play |
| Go to next play. | Go to preveous play | Return to front page. |