Enter Clown.

Clown.
In comes I bold Tom
A live and quick young fellow,
I've come here to taste your meat
Many folks cry they're ripe and mellow
Good evening, good ladies and gentlemen all.
It 's Plough Monday which makes me so bold and scold
I hope you won't be offended.
At these few words I've got to say,
Many more pretty boys and girls will pass this way,
Some can dance and some can sing,
By your consent they shall come in.
Opens door
Hokum pokum France and Spain
We'd meet the recruiting sergeant all the same.

Enter soldier.

Soldier.
In comes I the recruiting sergeant
I've arrived here just now,
I've got orders from the Queen
To list any young men
Such as Tinkers Tailors Soldiers Sailors
Any man to my advance
The more that the fiddle plays
The better I can dance.

Clown.
What you dance?

Soldier.
Yes we dance.

Clown.
If you begin to dance, I quickly march away.

Farmer's Boy.
Woa, woe, old man, don't go away in despair.
Perhaps in a short time a lady will appear.

Ploughboy.
In comes I the Farmer's man
I've come here to plough the land,
To turn it upside down.
I go straight from end to end
I scarcely a boaksl bend
And to my horse I attend
As they go marching to the end.

Enter The Lady [Sings her part].

Lady.
In comes I, a lady bright and gay
With fortunes and sweet charms,
All scornfully I've been thrown away
Right out of my true love's arms.
He swears if I don't wed with him
As you do understand.
He will list all for a soldier
And go unto some foreign land.

Clown.
Do you love me, my pretty maid?

Lady.
Yes, Tommy love.
We 11 shake hands
And put in banns
And then we'll be wed to-morrow.
Singing Whack fall ly laddy O
Whack fall ly laddy O
We'll be wed to-morrow.

Enter old Eezum-Squeezum.

Eezum-Squeezum
In comes I old Eezum Squeezum
On my shoulder I carry a besom,
In my hand a frying pan,
So don't you think I'm a jolly old man.
If you don't, I do.
My head is made of iron,
My body is made of steel,
My hands and toes of knuckle-bones
And no mortal man can make me feel.

Soldier.
Stop, stop old man, don't talk like that,
You say your head is made of iron,
Your body is made of steel,
Your hands and toes of knuckle-bones
No mortal man can make yon feel.
10 Stand up to me like a man
I'll make your bones rattle.

They fight and spars round like for a bit and Then Eezum Squeezum falls down dead.

Clown.
Is there a doctor to be found
To cure this deep and deadly wound?

Ploughboy.
Yes there is a doctor to be found
To cure this deep and deadly wound.

Doctor [speaking from outside].
Woa, woe, hold my pony
Give him a good stifffeed of water and a drink of chaff
enters
In comes I the doctor.

Clown.
What, you the doctor?

Doctor.
Yes, me the doctor.

Clown.
How came you to be a doctor?

Doctor.
I've travelled for it.

Clown.
How far have you travelled?

Doctor.
Hokum, Pokum, France and Spain
Nine times round the world and back again.

Clown.
No further than that, doctor?

Doctor.
Yes, much further than that
Prom bedside to fireside
To my old grandmother's cupboard
And many pieces of mince pie and pork pie out (of) there
That's what made me such a big man.

Clown.
You're a big man now doctor.

Doctor.
I'm as big as any man in this town under my size.

Clown.
What pains can you cure?

Doctor.
Pipsy Pipsy palsy gout
Pains within and pains without.
By this young lady taking hold of my hat stick and gloves
gives to lady
I'll commence feeling this man's pulse.
Feels Eezum Squeezum's heel.

Clown.
Do the pulse lie there, Doctor?

Doctor.
Yes, I thought so; where should yon have felt?

Clown.
Back o' the head, against this elbow.

Doctor.
My mistake.

Clown.
Great mistake too, Doctor.

Doctor.
This young man's not dead
He's only in a trance,
Been trying an experiment.

Clown.
What's that, Doctor ?

Doctor.
......up a green potato tops
Boiled fourteen days over a fortnight
Last night he swallowed Sam Ives
Wheelbarrow, donkey and cart, and he
Can't get shut o' the wheel.
Cough, young man.

Eezum Squeezum coughs faintly.

Doctor.
Very faint, put out your tongue—
Very much inflamed, take a drop out of my bottle
And let it run down your throttle.
It will do your body and soul a world of good.
I'll also have a box of my pills.

Clown.
Pills are they, doctor?
Stop, doctor, read the resurrection of those pills.

Doctor.
Those pills are virgin pills
One to be taken to-night, two to-morrow morning,
Swallow the whole box next day at dinner time.

Clown.
This young man can't dance, so we'll sing.
Raise him up and let 's begin.

All sing to tune (more or less) of wassail song.

We are not the London Actors
That act upon the stage
We are the country plough lads
That ploughs for little wage.
Good master and good mistress,
As you sit round the fire,
Just think of us poor plough lads
That plough through mud and mire.
The mire it is so very deep,
The water runs so clear.
We thank you for a Christmas box
And a pitcher o' your best beer.
You see our tale is ended,
Exit fool
You see our fool is gone,
We'll make it in our business
To follow him along.

Exulent omnes.

CLAYWORTH,

NOTTINGHAMSHIRE

Enter the Fool at door.

Fool.
In comes I that's never been before
With (any number) actors standing at the door.
Some can dance and some can sing.
If you consent I will walk in.
Enters.
In comes I that's never been yit
With my big head and little wit
My head's so great and my wit's so small
I can act the fool as well as you all.

Enter King George.

King George.
In comes I King George,
A champion stout and bold,
I fought the fiery dragon
With my bright sword
And brought it to a slaughter;
By these deeds I won the King of Egypt's daughter.

Beelzebub.
In comes I Beelzebub:
On my shoulder I carry a club,
In my hands a wetleather frying pan:
Don't you think I'm a nice old man?

King George disputes this and starts boasting, saying where he has been etc..
They fight. Beeizebub falls.

Fool.
Five pounds for a doctor.

Another person.
Ten pounds to stop away.

Enter Doctor.

Doctor.
In comes I a doctor.

Fool.
You a doctor?

Doctor.
Yes—me a doctor.

Fool.
What can you cure?

Doctor.
The ipsy the pipsy the palsy and the gout,
Pains within and pains without,
The deaf the dumb, the blind the lame
And bring the dead to life again.

Fool.
Just try your skill on this man. There, he's dead enough.

Doctor lakes bottle from his pocket. Beelzebub revives.

Doctor.
You're only in a trance. Rise up and take a dance.

Everyone then performs the dance. Then end as in preveous version.



Found in:


Tiddy R. J. E. (1923) The Mummers' Play. Oxford University press.