Review of 2004

Well, I thought I'd make a few notes about things that I learned about (my) anxiety during 2004. Maybe I can look back at these notes and build on them next year. One thing is for certain : I haven't got rid of my anxietyor panic attacks, but I have found a number of ways to reduce their frequency and intensity.

One area where I fall down is in my lack of consistency in applying new techniques or approaches that I comeacross. I tend to try something new and then fail to integrate as part of a regular routine. The effect of thenew technique (fairly obviously) does not last for very long and I end up with my symptoms creeping back inas soon as my stress levels start to rise again. I have tried meditation, affirmations, self-hypnosis tapes,progessive muscular relaxation and inspirational books - all have worked to varying degrees, but without long term application of these techniques, their effect is lost in a short space of time. Maybe I am looking for a'magic bullet' to take away the symptoms without any further effort on my part.

I have read some interesting articles about 'Neuro-Linguistic Programming', which seems to possibly offer a'magic bullet' to fix my anxiety issues (if I understand it correctly). NLP is an interesting subject matter :it studies the effect of language on thoughts and behaviour. It appears to be a very powerful technique to alter and possibly cure phobias and anxieties. I purchased a book about NLP, but I found it very diffcult tounderstand the concepts presented in the book. I need to do more research in this area to see if there ismaybe a fix or cure for anxiety. I wonder if this is maybe too much to hope really - most improvements I haveseen seem to be as the result of a long-term gradual improvement in anxiety over a long period of time throughmodifications in lifestyle, rather than a quick-fix solution. But who knows ?

Another thing which has become apparent over time is that the symptoms caused by anxiety seem to transformthemselves over time. I have had a number of physical symptoms - each time I overcome them, a new symptom seems to appear to replace it. For instance, I have had :
- Chest pains (thinking I am having a heart attack)
- Chronic indigestion (Symptoms of stomach cancer - I thought...)
- Irritable Bowel Syndrome (I suspected bowel cancer)
- Persistent shoulder pain
- High blood pressure (temporarily caused by anxiety)
- Breathing difficulties (minor, but worrying)

Each time I have had these symptoms, and then got over them, I have suffered another at a later time (maybeweeks or months later). It makes me seem like a complete hypochondriac, but they seem frigtheningly real tome. I can't help but feel this has caused an awful lot of wasted time for my doctor.....

My anxiety seems to be rooted in my need to feel in control of things. The thing that it is utterly frighteningduring my attacks is the feeling of helplessness and the lack of control that I have over the situation. Isuspect that maybe I have a personality type that needs to feel in control - I suspect that my intial anxietyattack was caused by an overload of stress and my inability to cope with it, or retain control of my lifeat that time. Ultimately, none of us really has much control of our lives and an acceptance of that fact is probably part of the path to avoiding anxiety attacks. Susan Jeffers book "Embracing Uncertainty" coversthis area in quite a bit of depth and is well worth a read.

Another thing that I have learned about anxiety is that some reactions to situations are learned responses.When I feel susceptible to attacks, I expect that my heart rate will go up if I drink alcohol or coffee and that it will make my atatck worse. And, sure enough, it does have that effect. However, when I feel 'normal'I can drink coffee with little noticeable effect - I still have a problem drinking alcohol, as I always notice my heart rate go up and start to feel a little anxious.

I've been quite lucky over the last year, as my attacks have been quite infrequent. However, over the pastcouple of days I've had a few attacks which came out of the blue. I had forgotten how terrfiying and claustraphobic they can be. I feel as though I am trapped in a world of anxiety that I can't get out of. Iknow that its only an anxiety attack and it can't really hurt me, but that that knowledge is not enough toescape from that horrible little world. I'm coming out of my anxiety episode at the moment and I know thatI'll be OK in a day or two - I also know that in a few weeks this will be a dim and distant memory. I justhope that I don't slip back in to this state again....

- posted by Nigel @ 9:16 PM