BBC Young Pioneers, in their cheerful red kerchiefs, start their basic propaganda training early

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Older Pioneers learn outside broadcasting skills in the countryside. “Tories“ live in the countryside . Tories are bad and stupid, if they find any, the Pioneers have to “re-educate” them with help from other Party colleagues.

                                                Do you know Dorothy?

Here older Pioneers experiment with outside broadcast and studio work. Often, at this age, they seem to prefer to experiment with friends of the same sex.

Sometimes Pioneers are allowed to help at The Party Conference. Others, even though they hate it, have to go to Tory conferences just to explain to everybody how awful they are.

The cleverest of the pioneers are selected for special current affairs training.

The cleverest ones of all like Andrew can even be friends of the Dear Leader himself.

Andrew goes everywhere with The Leader and, when stupid people like the Tories say unkind things about him, Andrew has to explain to them how clever and wise The Dear

Leader really is.

Here some older Pioneers are helping with the daily “Newsnight” propaganda TV broadcast.

Kirsty is explaining that, even though The Party has to take lots of money from people to help with its plans - loyal friends of The Party can get even more money back by helping to spread the word. Which is only fair really.

Jeremy also works on Newsnight. He is famous for being very brave and asking difficult questions. Once he asked a Tory the same question fourteen times and made him look really stupid.

Sometimes he even asks party members difficult questions once or twice which is quite brave, because he knows that if he upsets them he will have to write a letter of apology - again.

After years of training, John and Jim are finally allowed to run “Toady” - the most important radio propaganda broadcast.

Jim is so enthusiastic about The Party he sometimes says “we” -meaning him ,The Party and all right minded folk everywhere. But of course he’s a trained BBC Pioneer so he’s never biased.

John thinks it would be good if The Party took more money from everyone so that everything in the country could be perfect. The Party agrees and helps John to make lots of money for himself in return.

Sarah and Caroline help John and Jim on the “Toady” programme. They were chosen because they have nice voices and sound exactly the same on the radio; so that people will believe everything they say and won’t notice if one of them disappears some day to help The Party somewhere else.

Some Pioneers have to go abroad and help to teach primitive people how to behave. Matt and Justin work in the USA where Justin thinks Americans are “unsophisticated, ignorant and bigoted” . Even though Matt and Justin try to help them be better people , some Americans think unkind thoughts about them.

One of the Pioneer’s favourite radio programmes is “Wimmin Sour”. “Wimmin Sour” is on every day and gives women the chance to talk about the things that interest them, instead of the stupid things that interest men like politics, science, business, wars, sport and stuff. If you listen to “Wimmin Sour” you soon realise that women are mainly interested in - women.

Often the ladies on “Wimmin Sour” say they don’t think men are interested in them, but some of the Pioneers don’t think that’s true because they see lots of men in the newsagents buying magazines about ladies from the top shelf. Perhaps if the ladies on “Wimmin Sour” were more like the ones in the magazines, men would be much more interested in them too.

A very famous Pioneer called Jenni has run “Wimmin Sour” for many years with a Pioneer helper called Martha.

Soon a new girl called Jane will be taking over from Martha. But the other Pioneers aren’t sure about Jane, she doesn’t talk quite like a proper Pioneer (she even sounds a bit as if she could be one of those ladies in the magazines that men buy).

Also she used to work on another programme called “Five Lite” with a common boy called Peter where they used to talk about sport and mens’ stuff and even make jokes about things which proper Pioneers never joke about, such as Green Issues , The Party Leaders and sex.

Some Pioneers even wondered if they could have secret Tory tendencies but Jane has denied this and said she attended the big celebration with everyone else when The Party was elected.

Perhaps DoG will tell Alan to change the way Jane thinks so that “Wimmin Sour” can stay just like it always was.

One of our most successful Pioneers is Roger. When he was a Young Pioneer he was a bit weedy and the others made fun of him and called him Horror-bin, but everything changed when he found a magic green fairy kerchief and asked if he could wear it instead of the red one. The green kerchief gave Roger secret knowledge and magic powers and soon lots of Pioneers asked if they could join in and have one as well because they were getting bored with the old red ones.

Because Roger studied English at Cambridge he doesn’t know much about science - but he does know lots about fairy magic and has explained to the other Green Pioneers that the magic might stop working if people ask too many questions.

Roger pops up in all sorts of BBC programmes and some other places, to explain that the world is in serious danger and Pioneers and their friends everywhere must try to stop it.

Roger has found out that a mad chimp with a secret base on a ranch in Texas is sending his soldiers to steal all the world’s oil and burn it so that everybody will be either burnt alive or drowned when the ice melts. The only way to stop the chimp is to leave all the oil in the ground where he can’t get it - which means people have to stop using cars and planes and heating their houses.

Luckily, as well as the mad chimp there is an American superhero called The Goracle who travels all over the world teaching people about leaving the oil in the ground.

The Goracle is amazingly powerful and has been voted as the world’s most peaceful person - even though he shouts a lot and makes quite a lot of noise. Some people think that, if he can defeat the chimp, he will be the ruler of the world one day.

Roger is the Goracle’s helper at the people’s BBC and makes sure that nearly every programme (except stupid Jeremy’s) reminds us to stop using oil so our children won’t get burnt or drowned.

Most people listen to Roger, but a few stupid ones (mostly Tories) say silly things like “ Party Leaders, politicians and even the Goracle himself go everywhere in planes and big cars - so why can’t we” or “the people’s BBC spends £50,000 everyday on taxi fares - so why can’t we drive our cars”

Fortunately the secret knowledge of the magic kerchief is much better than ordinary knowledge from stupid science degrees and stuff, so Roger can answer them easily. He says when important people have to travel on OFFICIAL BUSINESS for the PUBLIC GOOD they can buy a magic carbon offsetting tree from the Goracle and plant it in a faraway place. This magic tree lets them travel wherever they like without using any oil. The Goracle plants a lot of these magic trees around his own big, oil free palace and sells his spare ones to other important people who need to travel a lot.

Roger has also explained that, although taxis look a bit like the big cars that stupid people drive and spoil everything with, they are really green fairy carriages with a fairy disguised as the driver and other invisible fairies pulling the carriage with invisible silken ropes - so it’s OK for them to use taxis.

He has explained, though, that this is secret knowledge and Pioneers mustn’t ever tell the taxi drivers that they know they’re fairies - or something really bad might happen to them.

The most powerful and frightening person in the peoples’ BBC is the DG. Nobody can remember if he was a Pioneer or where he came from, or even if he is really a human being at all.

His picture is on all the walls and he knows everything anyone does, or even thinks - but nobody ever mentions the scariest thing about the DG

Although he looks quite friendly in the pictures, the Pioneers have read a strange story about the DG in the Grauniad (their favourite newspaper).

When he gets angry - HE BITES PEOPLE!

The Pioneers think DG must be short for DoG. People often discuss what is happening at the BBC and say “DoG knows” ( they say it backwards in case anyone overhears - you can’t be too careful).

They have also heard that sometimes people who are called to his office are never seen again.

Some people say three thousand people will be called to his office soon. Will he eat all of them?

Even though everyone does what DoG tells them, because he knows what they are thinking and they’re scared of being bitten, he still worries that too many people are not thinking the right things.

To make sure that everybody thinks correctly, he has chosen Alan, the Pioneer with the biggest brain of all, to help them.

Alan’s brain is so big it can manage all the thinking for everyone at the people’s BBC, and still have some time left over to make programmes.

Some people have criticised Alan because he seems to be able to be in a Television programme in one place at the same time as doing something else in another place. They don’t understand that when you have a brain as big as Alan’s you can understand very complicated things like Quantum Mechanics which lets you be in two places at the same time. A famous German called Schroedinger had a cat which could be in two places at the same time so somebody much cleverer than him, like Alan, could obviously do it - couldn’t he?

One of the people who thinks the worst kind of thoughts at the people’s BBC is called Jeremy . Not the angry Jeremy from Newsnight but another even angrier Jeremy who was never a proper Pioneer and just wants to spoil everything for everybody by driving around in big, fast cars, killing polar bears, looking at girls legs and other horrible stuff that all the Pioneers hate.

Obviously Alan will have to talk to Jeremy and make him start thinking properly; but some Pioneers are puzzled because Jeremy once wrote in a newspaper that Alan had asked him to help buy a huge, horrible 4x4 to drive around London in and frighten everybody. Can this really be true?

And finally children, always remember - if Pioneers work very hard for The Party for a long time, they can become really famous and very important indeed.

And as always, children - any tips, comments, requests or sugestions to:-

                                      bbcpioneers@hotmail.co.uk