Hector's House. This first bout is an easy one, just a dog, a frog and a pussycat, and they're all French! (How the hell did Hector get a mortgage anyway?) This is a job for the Season One team. Vila busts the lock on the front door, Blake and Gan go in. No sign of Hector. Hmmm. But what's this in the garden. There he is with Zaza the cat, and they're having a tea party. Got 'em with their pants down! That is until Gan trips over the carpet and knocks himself out cold. Hector goes for his blaster but too late, Blake's got 'em covered, even if Vila's dropped his gun.

Blake and Vila take them prisoner, until suddenly it's "Hands up!" Kiki the frog has come through next door's fence, He's a Federation Officer and this nest of rebels are now prisoners of the Federation! But he should have looked behind him, because Avon and Cally have teleported down - Blake's communicator is open and they've heard every word of what's going on. Hector makes a grab for his gun, but he and Zaza are shot in the head by Cally. Kiki gets as far as the fence before Avon snaps his neck. "That," says Avon waving his gun at the fence, "was an obvious possibility." "Thank you" says Blake, Grudgingly.

Result: An easy win for the team. Only Gan's down, but who really cares anyway?
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The Adventure Game. A tougher workout, which will require the crew of Scorpio to penetrate many deadly traps. Tarrant wants to steal all the Dronga he can from the Red Salamander of Zagril, but first they must get through the games he has rigged up on his orbiter. Rather than take the shuttle the crew teleport directly to reception, taking Gandor the Butler by surprise.

Tarrant manages to beat the first trap, a cunning pinball game to get the drawbridge to drop over the lake of gunge, but Dayna walks over it without saying "Gronda Gronda" and is vaporized! Vila bypasses the game of Frogger they're meant to play next and opens the secret safe himself for another crystal. Gnoard the Host appears and challenges them to guess the password from a series of picture clues. Soolin shoots her in the kneecaps and suddenly she's a lot more cooperative. For some reason Avon is pocketing all the cheese rolls they come across. He won't say why, he just smiles.

Soolin then threatens Doogy Rev to reveal where the exit is, but Orac sulks and refuses to translate what he says. Only Avon can work out he's talking backwards! Then it's on to the vortex. Orac can read computers, but not aspidistras, so Avon sends Tarrant ahead first, only to see him vaporized as he picks the wrong square. So Doogy Rev was lying, as Avon suspected.

Avon steps calmly to the third row, then starts throwing cheese rolls ahead of him to find a safe path. "Contingency planning" he announces "and the contingency arose" Once across he threatens to destroy Uncle Rangdo's supply of Baby Bio, knowing the Federation have cut off his supply. Reluctantly the aspidistra calls off the vortex. The Red Salamander of Zargil escapes in a shuttle, but back on Scorpio Avon crushes the Dronga Vila has stolen into a fine powder. They were fakes! End game to Zargil.

Result: Not too hot, no Dronga and only three survive, but it's Season 4 and everything's downbeat anyway. Soolin and Tarrant are left at the bus stop in space with Chris Searle and Leslie Judd. Scorpio flies past them. It'll be a long walk home...
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G Force. A stand-up fight between the Season 3 crew and these psychotic Japanese sub-Manga warriors. Liberator is en-route to Kairos when out of nowhere a big fiery Eagle swoops down on them. Five plasma bolts, all running true!

Tarrant rolls the ship, shooting through the shields, apparently destroying the enemy. But as soon as they raid the Kairos shuttle the shout goes up, "Transmute!" G force are on board, and they've taken the Liberator. Mark the Eagle strides onto the flight deck, handing the ship over to Princess the Swan!

"Introduce yourself to Zen" says Avon. But as soon as she turns to do this he smacks her on the head with his pet rock. Tarrant floors Jason the Condor and Dayna kicks Keyop in the nuts. Only Tiny and Mark are left standing.

Tiny crushes Vila with a Giant Haystacks style body slam, rupturing both their prostates. Mark leaps up onto a high gantry, transmuting into a fiery warhawk. The set blows up as he swoops down on Avon. But Avon kisses him! Are the rumors true? "You look so beautiful when you're angry" says Avon, fiddling with Mark's ring. "No, give it back!" yells Mark, but too late. Avon tosses the ring into the flames and Mark perishes. "Psy powers, boosted by high technology. It' s all controlled by the ring. But then again, what isn't?"

Result: Without Avon's interference it could have gone completely Pete Tong. Maybe Tarrant will learn next time, once Vila's had his prostate repaired. Nurse Cally pulls her rubber gloves on and draws the screens...
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Captain Pugwash. A rogue pirate hanging about seedy dives with his dodgy mates, and pursued by his one-eyed nemeses Cut-throat Jake. Sounds like a Season 2 mission to me!

Blake is convinced Pugwash knows the location of Star One. He, Cally and Jenna teleport down to the Black Pig dressed as pirates to pursue him. But Pugwash has done a deal with Cut-throat Jake, who is now his bodyguard! Cally and Jenna pretend to be prostitutes, but Pirate Barnabus is not forthcoming. However, when they dress up as cabin boys he becomes a lot more co-operative and gets Pirate Willy... to tell them where Pugwash is!

Meanwhile Avon and Vila teleport down to Cabin Boy Tom's casino, and attempt to bust his 'Big Wheel' (many a pirate has tried that!) With Orac disguised as a parrot they help themselves to eight runs at his expense. But treachery rears it's head as Vila is tricked into drinking Master Mate's secret liquid. Next thing he knows he is strapped to a chair and gambling his life against Pirate Willy in a game of Speed Buckaroo!

Meanwhile Blake has found Pugwash cowering in the bowels... of the ship that is. He hasn't got the map to Star One, but knows who has. Cut-throat Jake appears with a limp wrist and a smoking pistol (ahem!) begging Pugwash for medical help - he's gone off half cocked and it's painful! "Here, let me 'shoot' him" says Jenna. "That would be mercy" retorts Blake. "Are you feeling particularly merciful?" Jake looks hopeful at this, but it's Season 2 which means nothing ever happens. Pugwash confesses that his old friend Dogtanian knows the location of Star One; he was last seen with the Three Muskehounds in a cartoon French village.

Although Vila gets the jitters with his Pirate Willy, he forces him into a draw by blu-taking Buckaroo's legs down. They beam back to the ship in time to see a sour-faced Blake demanding to know what's been happening. They bluff it until there is a squawk and a 'plop' sound. Orac has changed back. Don't worry Vila, it's meant to be lucky!

Result: Typical season 2, nobody gets shot and the chase is on again!
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Pipkins. With the death of Gan the crew of the Liberator debate whether to carry on. Meanwhile Hartley Hare stands trial for the slaughter of Chorlton and 1417 unarmed Wheelies on the planet Serkasta...

Hartley is marched into the tribunal to hear his crimes. Major Topov (defence council) defers the opening statement, but insists that the causes of death are listed for the Wheelies to the dismay of Fleet Warden Mooney the Badger. Hartley is still. Does he suspect the trap?

"How would you expect Hartley to behave?" asks Supreme Commander Pig? "I wouldn't expect him just to sit there. He is Hartley, always rushing, busy as can be" comments Topov. She bribes Trooper Tortoise to give him a bottle of carrot juice. "Is he guilty?" she asks. "No doubt about it" says Tortoise. "He gave the orders, we just switched on the Magic Torch." Topov comes to visit the prisoner. "You lack subtlety" spits Hartley! "Get out". A Federation Officer is the product of his training (not his acting ability!): Hartley's probably mad, but still dangerous...

Meanwhile Blake has been rescued from the planet Spit after being saved by a flea in a rubber johnny. "We must restore our legend" he announces, "A high speed attack run on Servalan's HQ". "Well hurrah for us" comments Avon. "Wrong episode, Avon" snaps Blake. "Oh fuck off" is the reply... But the attack run is a success. Hartley escapes with a BAGA approved forward roll, knocking Tortoise unconscious with his fringe. "We weren't all hypocrites, were we?" comments Hartley. "Help, help, I'm on my back. I can't get up!" moans Tortoise.

"Casualties?" asks Pig. "High, and rising all the time. Give me a ship or you'll be so much crackling" snarls Hartley through his haircut. "And you'll hunt Blake, easily lure him into traps, fail to kill him and flap about the place like a big girl until you go bonkers, stop shaving and wander around uselessly in a big hat?" asks Pig. Hartley gets his craft and blasts off. "Launch the pursuit ships" bellows Pig. "Er, that was the pursuit ship" answers Major Topov. Finally Blake congratulates his crew and they all laugh at Vila. Isn't the Liberator a jolly place now they've got rid of Gan!

Result: Not much of a contest for the crew, but at least it was better than Duel...
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Dad's Army. The Personal Bodyguard of the President of the Federation protect his supply of moondisks located in Warmington-on-sea. Blake, Avon and Jenna beam down to take them on...

Avon wanders along the beach, planting sensors by the seashells, when suddenly he sees the Home Guard approaching. He turns and shoots Fraser in his misery guts and tosses Godfrey off... the top of a cliff that is. Godfrey only wondered if he'd like a cup of tea. "Next" asks Avon.

Meanwhile Jenna is bending over in her tight low cut top (I knew I liked season 2 for some reason!) when Corporal Jones gives her the old cold steel up the fuzzy-wuzzy. Oo-er, she does not like it up her! She tries to bribe Walker with a pair of Nylons but he's not having it. Prisoner and escort, quick march!

Mainwaring has captured Blake and Pike has given him a nice cup of tea and a fairy cake. Jenna joins them. "How splendid" says Sgt Wilson "now we can have a game of bridge." The comedy continues at this frantic level until Cally appears in her nightie. "Cor" says Walker, dropping his fag as Cally breaks his nose with a moondisk. She tosses the crew their bracelets and they teleport to safety, Avon having already scarpered. ARP Warden Hodges then appears: "You've done it this time Napoleon!" Cue canned laughter and titles...

Result: As always, when Blake comes up against organised resistance the wheels fall off the plot. An honorable draw.
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Bagpuss. The ultimate test. A daring raid on Emily's shop for 16 billion in old cack and broken toys. This is a job for a highly disciplined team. What a pity it's the Season 4 mob taking this one on!

Tarrant and Dayna beam across to the shop pretending to have 'found' something. They present Emily with Orac, disguised as a red roller-skate with a squeaky wheel. As she lets them into the back room Orac disables the security systems of the Mice on the Mouse Organ. Tarrant asks Emily if he might have a glass of water. As she bends over the tap he pistol whips her and she falls down, bringing down Orac with her.

But Avon has already homed in on Orac's transmission and teleported in. Soon Vila and Soolin are busy stuffing bags with old ballet shoes, toy trains and a ship in a bottle. "We're going to get away with it!" boasts Vila as he steps backwards onto a pink stripy cushion. Suddenly it squeals. He has roused the Bagpuss!

Before they can do anything they are swamped. Madeline the rag doll leaps on Soolin's back and beats her to the ground with her story book full of bloody boring stories. Vila is backed into a corner by the Mice on the Mouse Organ. He shoots five of their heads off, but there's just too many! They run up his legs and grab him by the nuts. "Heave, heave" they sing as they bring him to his knees . Gabriel the Toad smashes Dayna in the face with his banjo. Professor Yaffle and Tarrant circle each other, two bits of animate wood squaring up. "Where's Avon?" yells Tarrant. "Where's Avon!" Then he gets a sharp beak through the eye and tumbles to his knees as the Mice tie a noose around his neck and hoist him up.

But Avon is transfixed by the approaching Bagpuss. Even with his scar tissue and three days of cat stubble he still recognises him. "Have you betrayed us?" he gasps. "Have you betrayed me?" "Avon, it's me, Bagpuss. I set all this up. I was waiting for you!" Avon gasps, and then grabs Bagpuss by the tail and sticks his gun up his arse. Bagpuss yawns in surprise and falls over, and of course when Bagpuss goes to sleep, all his friends go to sleep too. The Mice on the Mice Organ become ornaments, which Avon smashes. Professor Yaffle becomes a carved wooden bookend, crushed under his boot. The rag dolls are burnt. Then Avon steps across the sleeping body of the fallen cat, recovers the gun, and pulls the trigger.

Avon walks alone out of the shop, leaving the girls dead, Vila crying, and Tarrant twisting in the wind. He shoots the recovered Emily in the stomach as she tries to raise the alarm, and then picks up the damaged Orac. "We will fix it, we will polish it" he mutters. He raises the communicator and snaps, "Slave, get me the hell out of here..."

Result: This is the ending the fans really wanted. Not the Bagpuss fans obviously! But don't worry, there's still a clone Bagpuss out there somewhere...
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