Once upon a time there lived two red nosed fairies, who lived in their own little land in the World of Oldbury Wells. Red
Nosed fairy one was called Rachie, and Red Nosed fairy two was called Mantie. They spent their days frolicking merrily amongst
the evil people in Oldbury, trying with all their might to spread joy and happiness throughout the land.
One day, as Mantie and Rachie were retreating to their mole hole after a hard days work of joy and happiness spreading, they
discovered that something sinister and dreadful had occurred. Their world fell into shadow and they felt the meaning of their
little fairy lives drift away from them. Throughout their lives they had collected pretty decorations to put in their mole
hole, and these had been stolen. Life as they knew it could not go on.
“Oh no Rachie!!” Mantie cried, “Look what has happened to our precious moley moley!!!”
“Oh good God!” Rachie shouted, “Help us! Whatever will we do!!! Our pictures of Josh Hartnett, Elijah Wood and Orlando Bloom
have been stolen!”
As news spread through Oldbury of this dreadful event, the evil people of the land offered their condolences to the red nosed
fairies, yet no pictures were found. It was then that they decided. It would be a long and perilous journey, but it had to
be done. The two fairies set out on a quest. They would take the long and treacherous road to AmandaPiggyWiggy land, for this
is where they feared the pictures had been taken.
They decided not to take much of their belongings, for they did not know whether they would live long enough to use them.
Setting out in the dark hours of the next morning, they made their way down Oldbury Bank. This was not easy, however. Along
the way, they met their good friends, Bob, Laura Mumba, and Amy many men. After confiding in their friends about the reason
for their quest, they decided that they did not want to risk any more lives by taking them along, so the three friends made
their way back to Oldbury to guard the Mole Hole and make sure that it was not taken over by any little year 7 swines, or
the year 12 transvestite, Alan.
After 3 days of walking without much rest, Rachie and Mantie came across a shoe shop.
“No rachie!!!!” Manta cried and tried to hold her red nosed fairy friend back, “Don’t give in!!! Not now!!! You don’t need
any more booooooooooooots!!”
It was a struggle, and Rachie almost gave in to the temptation to buy boooooots, but she overcame the greatest challenge of
her red nosed fairy life, and walked past the shoe shop. Just when they thought they had escaped the peril for a while, they
came across a sports shop. There, sitting in the window, was a Liverpool FC calender.
“NO MANTIE!!!” Rachie yelled! But it was too late, Mantie was almost in the shop. But just as she was opening the door, she
slipped on a banana skin and fell onto the floor. That was it, Rachie was laughing. She laughed and laughed, and just when
Mantie thought Rachie was out of laughter, a library van drove past. Rachie laughed for a further two hours.
By then, nightfall was drawing in. They were close to the fat gates of AmandaPiggyWiggy Land. They got into the land without
much trouble, as the only people who could stop them were Amanda and Yon, but they were too busy doing what they do 30 times
a weekend.
It was then that the fairies came across what they had been looking for. They found a giant white fridge, bigger than anything
they had ever seen before (with the exception of AmandaPiggyWiggys belly.) They finally managed to open the fridge, although
the door was filled with many sweets and chocolate bars. There, in the center of the fridge was their mole hole pictures.
“A shadow and a threat is growing in my mind” Mantie warned Rachie
“Quick!”Rachie told her, “We must nance off before we are caught and made to watch Fat Bastard in Austin powers 800 times!!!”
They grabbed the pictures and made their way out of Amanda PiggyWiggy land. But just as they came to the fat gates, a thunderous
sound came towards them. A shadow fell over them, leaving the land around them in darkness.
“RAAAAAAAAAAAA” yelled Amanda PiggyWiggy, “Let go of those pictures!!! They are my mid afternoon snack!!!”
But the fairies used their nancing skills to squidge past the fat of Amanda Piggy Wiggy, and no sooner could you say “Feckin
hell that Orlando Bloom is fit!” when they were out of Amanda PiggyWiggy land and making their way back to Oldbury.
They returned to a heroes welcome, and found a kingly gift within the mole hole. Orlando Bloom had posted himself to them,
and they took great delight in unwrapping him and taunting him with his bow.
It is said that the fairies lived in the mole hole happily ever after, but word is that they traveled the great distance to
London, and starred in a music video. Whatever the truth, the fairies were well respected, and ensured that the populars cleaned
the muck off their boots every day, and fluffed their pillows before they went to sleep at night. And so that is the end of
our first chapter, and the moral is, never ever mess with a red nosed fairy, because no matter how fat you are, you will never
beat their nancing skills and keep them away from the fit lads they love that belong in their mole hole.
Chapter 2 -Attack in the Library
It was a quiet morning in the land of Oldbury Wells. The fairies were sitting like good little red nosed fairies in the library.
Bob and Smithers were having a long conversation about how tasty marshmallows are, whilst Laura Mumba and Mantie were chatting
to Amy Many Men about the importance of chocolate in a fairies life.
At the mention of food, a great crash came at the door, followed by several thunderous footsteps and a great “RAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!”
“Oh Jesus and Mary in Tinseltown!!” Shouted Bob
“It’s the giant Amanda PiggyWiggy!” Smithers cried and hid under the table.
Laura Mumba, Amy Many Men, and Mantie saw that Bob was in Amandas firing line, if she took one step closer, he would be buried
in fat. Risking their little red nosed fairy lives, they grabbed a dieting book and thrust it at Amanda.
“NOOOOOOO!!!” she yelled, “Salads, vegetables……..healthy food!! My arch enemy!!!”
However, the villain was strong and she ripped apart the book, devouring it in one big gulp.
This is it, thought the fairies, we’ve had it. Amanda PiggyWiggy will eat us all alive. They all crouched under the nearest
table, but Amanda picked it up and ate it, leaving the red nosed fairies out in the open.
Just then, a trumpet trumped, and no sooner could you say “Elijah Woods eyes are nice, but his arse is better” then Rachie
had nanced through the door to save her fairy friends. She was carrying a huge log, much bigger than herself, but to Amanda
PiggyWiggy, this was only a pinprick.
It was then that Rachie decided to unveil her secret weapon. A mirror. She held it up to Amanda PiggyWiggy’s face, and although
the whole image of herself would not fit on the mirror, she saw just enough to share the shit out of her. The evil villain
ran away screaming and crying for Yon.
The red nosed fairies cried victory, and had a party in the library, much to the librarians disgust. They drank straight vodka
and ate fairy cakes (making sure no fairies were included in the ingredients) until they were stuffed.
“Good gracious, Smithers!!!!” Bob cried, “We have devoured a feast fit for kings!!!! We’ll be getting fat!!”
“Are you calling me fat?????” Smithers yelled. Just then, the fairies realized that Smithers had been possessed by the evil
Amanda PiggyWiggy.
The truth was revealed that as the fairies were trying to fight off the giant, she had bitten Smithers and poisoned him with
her chocolate tainted saliva.
“I know what we can do!!!” declared the great and wise librarian, “I have a book on antidotes here.”
She mixed up a concoction of turnips and sprouts, and poured it onto Smithers’ wound. All was well again, with the exception
of Laura Mumba and Bob, who became very drunk on fairy vodka. Amy Many Men offered to take them back to their fairy holes,
but a party was declared in the mole hole, and the fairies spent the next 6 hours drinking and eating in the mole hole, only
occasionally stopping to keep a look out for Amy Many Mens footballer, who was eventually found messing with his zip and checking
that his todger was still there.
They all lived happily ever after until Amanda PiggyWiggy returned to school.
IMPORTANT NOTICE
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MORE TO COME!!! WAIT A SEC U IMPATIENT BUGGERS! I know these stories are great and there is a VERY hugh demand for them, but
could you all please stop emailing me and requesting them please? It does get kinda annoying when your inbox has 5000 messages
all requesting the same thing. But be patient, I'll upload the next 2 chapters for you ASAP.
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