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2002 was a very good year...............
“ Easters just been and gone now as I write but to celebrate springs return the lads ( and Hannah) had a barbecue and bonfire at the local carp lake“
“Local chefs Neil “ Yoda “ and Cliff “ Mr Pants” wielded their forks and burnt fingers with gusto and aplomb to feed the near twenty ravenous diners, who gave no quarter to the vast array of meats and other delicacies, which was washed down with the local, German, Australian, Belgium and French mineral waters flavoured with hops and malts“.
 “Martin “ The Rotweiler” raided the local supermarket and obtained a variety of select cuts of meats, and marinated fowl. Where as Laurie ( from our local tackle emporium) chose to provide half a deer in the guise of steaks and game sausages ( I wondered where the local Mount jack deer had gone !)“.
“Old Laurie was highly protective of his meat and place at the Shindig and barely moved from the same spot all night, we know this by the ring of empty Grolsh tins where he was standing“.
“Talking of being protective, our gregarious Martin spent all night trying to ensure that the lovely Hannah received some of his select cuts of pork“.
“Hannah it has to be said enjoyed the company of twenty men that night , but retired early back to the bivvy of her fiancé Peter “The Pole” at the Pylon swim. Peter and Hannah are regular weekend bivvy anglers, who would rather fish than pay the exorbitant weekend rates in local hotels. Early to bed, late to rise ( or so Hannah say’s) apart from this weekend when Laurie who was camped in the next swim ( Is it compulsory to wear binoculars Laurie...!) awoke the pair at the crack of sparrows worried about the moaning and spluttering noises coming from their viper to check to see if they were all right“.
“Tony and Eddie aka “The Troll” & “ Lurch” visited the gathering from their swims on the road bank, Tony wearing his fetching “dead mans “ jacket, with Eddie sporting his latest flippers finished off with circus stilt trousers“.
 “Young Carl who works with Laurie declined the initiation test being conducted by Martin & Rob “The Little” at the barbecue, complaining that a burnt tadger was not similar to a sausage and would not be eaten by Hannah“.
“Our Martin was so concerned about young Hannah’s welfare in the company of so many strange men during the night and could not be swayed from placing his protective arm around her shoulders to keep her warm and safe. (The hand on the........... was another matter) “
“Shortly before midnight the gathering departed to their far flung swims to recast their baits into trees, bushes, reeds etc. etc. We even heard the next morning that “Little Rob” even had a run from his rig embedded in the next swims reeds, what ever next !!!!“.
“Our local self appointed policeman Tony Collins ( SFB & bar) phoned up the membership secretary to congratulate all who attended the previous nights shindig, explaining that he was sorry that he was unable to attend ( due to being bed ridden in his swim), but was sure he would like to attend the next one. We will let you know..........“.
“Rumour has that SFB has got a new gizmo that determines the speed of “walking pace” vehicle speeds around the lake, but we all believe a trip to the opticians would have been cheaper“.
“Latest gossip from the Easter weekend was that superman “little Rob” has finally caught his long sought for Bream. This fish has long eluded our Rob, but like Kryptonite the bream turned our Rob into a mere mortal“.
“We were not aware that the lovely SFB could write ( or even manage joined up writing ) but how wrong we were !. Having said that, SFB’s wife or one of his brood may have the capacity......but it could have been a forgery“.
“Word has reached our ears this weekend (6th April) that Willy aka “Lonely” has had an outing down at the local lake. Having spent most of the afternoon and night driving around the lake ferrying very “Foxy ladies” in his new red Ferrari ( okay Escort !)to and from his bivvy must have run out of petrol and decided to fish. Assuming normal Willy fishing mode (2 fag’s on the go, zips down, phone in one hand and a bankstick in the other) he woke up in the middle of the night being serenaded by another local fox !.We did not here what the fox was singing but we could guess..... “ Are you lonely tonight.....”)“.
“Some wag on the bank reported that Willy ate two 1/4lb burgers over the weekend and doubled his body weight. Others said that two chicken legs on their barbecue was a dead ringer.......“.
“Evidently we were incorrect in stating that SFB had a speed camera as we have since found out that he has a Bionic eye !. It appears that he was the early test model for the “six million dollar man” but was later rejected for camera work due to the reflection off his forehead“.
“Can anyone tell me what SFB’s other eye focuses on when looking at you ?“.
“We believe that Willy is getting sniffs from the foxy ladies after seeing the film for free“.
 “After gregarious Martin the “Rotweiler” made complaint about moi in last years carp match about pre-baiting the same swim the day before (and blanked graciously) , he has upped the stakes by dumping 8 gallon of maggot and a gallon of casters in his soon to be drawn match swim !!!!.
I bet you have the same result Martin !!!!!“.
“Noel “ The master-baiter” has a secret weapon to sink Coot’s in his armoury. I wonder if it works on bait boats............... ?“.
 “Looking at this French bailiff at Fishabil......I mean really looking.........do you think that the Ginger bailiffs should get their kit off and strike a similar pose ?.
Answers by Email please !“.
“French bailiffs always come in pairs“.
“She looks like one of Willy’s foxy ladies“.
“Martin in drag !“.
..................
“Mo our favourite Gingerbread chimpanzee who can normally be found in the trees ( swinging !!!) looking for a fish to brood over, decided to set light to his swim twice this weekend (12th April) supposedly trying to make a brew. We cannot believe that because, a. He does not make a brew for anyone & cadges from anyone close & b.Only bailiffs can light proper fires. Evidently the offending Colemans was drop kicked into the lake margins ( twice) by our rugby playing Mo and with no goal to kick over he obviously was not trying“.
“We heard Willy’s fox calling out for him again over the weekend from the far side of the lake but our Willy hidden inside of his dome chose to ignore the increasing beckoning calls as he was already entertaining half of St Neots that night“.
“We hope “little” Rob doesn’t find out that Bernie is prebaiting Robs river swim with “junk bait” because he will go spare. Don’t worry Bernie we wont tell !!!“.
“Rumour has it that Lonely has now learnt that he can cast a bait with rods. Some one reporting to Willy description ( bank stick ) was seen in the vicinity of his swim doing so , but we could be wrong as we know he likes to use the black beast to put out bait“.
“Talking about casting baits, Willy was explaining the virtues of using “Fishnet” PVA bags to Tony “the Troll” one evening, but our Tony believes that the only fishnets Willy uses are his foxy ladies tights. Do they dissolve then ?“.
“We might even start a new web page soon devoted to Willy............ probably named
“ Getting the Willy’s”“.
“Martin our tame match secretary pegged the match down at the lake today (21st April) and just happened to peg himself by sheer utter fluky coincidence next to Peter and Hannah. He chose to ignore good swims further down the lake in preference to his chosen peg. I wonder if the lads gossiping about Hannah’s underwear influenced his decision ?......cant believe that of our Martin“.
“Strange going on were reported at the lake in the early hours of Sunday morning. Evidently a couple of blokes were seen walking around the lake at 3am with a high powered torch, so the dynamic duo of Peter the pole and Wicked Willy set off in hot pursuit. Brave Peter and Willy spotted them under the bridge and decided to hide and lie in wait and jump out on them. We can just imagine the frightened faces on the two prowlers when Willy jumped out !!! .....Laughing in hysterics comes to mind“.
“Mind you young Peter could always have used Willy as a baseball bat“.
 “Willy had a right result with a PB at 27.02lb this weekend from the channel on rods cast to the reeds ( He’s still casting then ! ). At the photo call our Martin soaked The exuberant Willy with water from the unhooking mat and remarked that something was stuck on the side of Willy’s face. We heard it was a white sticky substance......the photos will reveal all“.
“Pictured to the left is Willy doing an impression of a storm rod“.
“But you may ask, which ones the storm rod“.
““Little” Robs blanked again“.
“Word has reached the web masters ears that Anthony Pogmore (Jim Gibbinson re-incarnated) has hooked and lost yet another monster from the local carp lake. Unseen monsters past and present, carp or catfish no one knows.................however we have received a photo taken one misty morning last year in Pump House bay by persons who wish to remain anonymous ( Eddie Button) of the likely culprit............
Known to give unstoppable runs, smash all lines, this fearsome creature of the deep bay depths just loves Mistral boilies and method mixes.
We just want to see Anthony land it“.
“A bit windy this weekend down the lake (27th April ) and concern amongst the crew for Willy, as he was fishing the exposed point in two bar on a big westerly. Old Martin was so concerned for Willys safety that he was going to nail his feet to the ground to prevent him blowing away“.
“Martin, bless him fished his heart out over the weekend, moving 3 times and caught and lost from all swims. He even went swimming for one fish that decided to head into the dead reeds and was seen for hours later running around the bank in his cack’s. Nice colour red those thongs Martin !“.
“Bernie the Bolt Fished a newly opened swim on the point which had fish rolling close in night and day. He had a few to 23lb but with so many fish in front of him we cannot understand why he didn’t foul hook any. A later underwater shot provides the evidence..........“..
“Talking about red thongs Nick the Greek caught an eyeful of some more this time worn by our delectable Hannah ( or was it Peter the Pole) on the opposite bank. How he managed to catch any fish amazed us“.
“Martin And Co organised another smashing barbecue this weekend incorporating a work party to burn old pallets and wood trimmings. The smoke from the burning would have reached high over Cambridgeshire and would even been seen in deepest Norwich. So don’t worry SFB the fire was conducted by official bailiffs so no need to exercise your brain and pen this time !“.
“Celebrity guests attended the barbecue in the form of the “Emerdale Dingles” aka Little Rob ( Butch-butch ,butch, i love you butch), Nick the Greek( Zack-iv’e got a problem down there) and Peter the Pole (Marlon-cain don’t hit me again), dressed in their matching camo drenchware. They were at the Shindig for 10 minutes before we saw them properly.......Great camo wear guys“.
“Martin, now dressed again and in the company of Hannah was keen to show her his manhood, evident from the bulge in his jogging bottoms. Eventually all was revealed as it was half a cucumber. Nice girth Martin shame about the length....but the girls always tell you that I suppose !!!!!“.
“Our classic chef Mr Pants aka cliff, came prepared this time for cooking the feast at the barbecue, he bought the tongs, so no more first aid needed for burnt fingers this time“.
“Little Rob also had to go in for a fish on Saturday, and brought his trousers and socks to dry off on the bonfire. Whilst the jogging trousers dried out with no problem the socks were a different matter. Socks are funny thing especially, if they have been worn previously by our Rob as they would not dry out, the flames licked around them and then engulfed them and still they remained intact. One hour later them succumbed to the 2000 degree heat and burst into flames“. 
“What ever Rob’s foot secretions are made of is worth selling as a world class fire retardant !!!!!“.
“A miracle happened that same night when Dopey Mick attended the shindig. A miracle because once bivvied up you don’t see him again, or he’s washing his car, or he’s off to the off licence for more supplies. It must have been the aroma of the beer that wafted over to the far bank, or the snapping of ring pulls that got his attention“.
“More late night going on over at Willys, with two more foxes visiting. How does he do it, does he take viagra, is he super human, do they feel sorry for him, will he write a book, will he do a film (can we come to the premier) !!!!!“.
“A bit busy down the lake this bank holiday weekend with 19 doing the night for only 4 fish out, however the festivities helped the time pass with another social in the central circle courtesy of Mr Pants and Yoda“.
“Willy’s minder “ Kevin “ did a couple of nights in the company of his female companion “ Little Red Riding Hood “ ...........although she gave young Kevin loads of grief and looked soundly miserable she still stayed on for BBQ. We believe Kevin did not want to stay but the slap across his face changed his mind“.
“Martin never showed for the social having said that, we could not tell him about Little Red Riding Hood ( its a protective thing !!!), if we had you can imagine what the conversation would have gone like between them. What big eyes you’ve got Martin....”all the better to see you with”. What big ears you’ve got....”all the better to here you with”. What Big teeth you’ve got.... “never mind about my teeth carry on down my body..........”“.
“Nick the Greek got a funny sun tan over the weekend on his face with a white circle the shape of an open Fosters tin. We believe he has shares in the company with the amount he sunk over the weekend, also with Carling, Budweiser, Cathreys etc. etc“.
“Little Rob went all upmarket on us this weekend and turned up with a bottle of St Emilon. Quaffed from the bottle or from his new “ Bob The Builder “ mug he took a decided turn for the worse and went all quite for at least 2 minutes.......... and restarted on the beer“.
“Willy went on a resupply trip to Tescos and whilst he was gone his rods were redesigned by our Peter the Pole who changed Willy’s reels around and then his rod tips. Fag butts were strategically placed on one of his hook baits. Whilst he noticed the rods fairly quickly , the “ Fag butt” rig took longer to suss. When he questioned moi, I explained it must have been a Tench who was spawning and was quite normal. As you know what its like after you’ve had sex, you’ve just got to have a Fag afterwards!!“.
“Little Robs bought some more socks“.
“Our new white slave “ Benson “ was an excellent addition to the evening, keeping the work party bonfire of pallets and wood trimmings going through the night. We do hope that he succeeds in his new career as a night watchman“.
“Mr pants had a nice 24lb+ on Friday night out of the “traditional” with a lump on its back. It was obviously the “Hunchback” and we were waiting for him to catch his mate “Peg-leg” all weekend“.
“SFB had his wedding anniversary on Sunday and went back home for half an hour to give his better half a card before returning to the lake. Aint love grand !!!!“.
 “ The fish is strong with you.......Mr Pants”
“We did not know that Mr Pants and Yoda were scouts when they were young, until they were started singing around the bonfire...... “Ging, gang, goolie goolie watcha ging gang goo, ging gang goo”..........Or it could have been a chart tune and they were slurring !!!!“.
“Don’t ever, ever, ever, ask Mr Pants to tell his three jokes again .......please“.
“Great result over the last weekend with Mo having banked 4 bream and moi 6 tadpoles.A few carp out over the lake from the maddening crowd, but any one can catch carp cant they !!!!“.
“Nice to see some old faces have joined the club in the shape of the affable “ Kray’s”, Reg and Ronnie that is, shame some people the previous weekend down the lake tried to put them off joining though“.
“Rottie told me a tale yesterday of our local wrong’un Willy’s latest visit into Laurie’s tackle emporium. Evidently the wrong’un went into buy some gear with his better half and was asked a question by the great entrepreneur about Willy’s Bivvy warmers......you know the questions, How much did you pay them ?, How long do you get ?, What did they do ?, And is it buy one get one free ?. Whilst the wind up was in process, the other half overheard and swiftly ejected our Willy from the shop by his bent ear ( lifted off the floor by his ear it sounds like) !!!. Laurie now wants to know if Willy will return to the shop to buy the tackle left strewn on the floor and find out the gory details.........How long is he grounded for ?, Will he get a part in the next Star Trek film as a Vulcan ?“.
“Rottie is now threatening moi with the “Blankety blank check book and pen” for my recent outstanding results from the lake. How’s the match fishing going then Rottie and why do you need 14ft keep nets when a jam jar will suffice ?“.
“Sorry we have not updated the pages for a week but moi was visiting the Champaign region of France viewing monasteries, Quaffing fine wines and updating my water colour painting skills.................Nah I thought you would not believe all that twaddle, just HAULIN !!!!!!!!!“.
“Whilst we were away we had an intriguing E-mail from one of Willy warmers fan club...................Regarding the exploits of the lonely foxes, what with all the yapping going on why has nobody put them out of their misery and shot them. Perhaps they are just looking for an lonely old dog“.
“That’s from an anonymous Emailer.............Thanks Marion !!!!!!!“.
“Our Mo did some hauling in France as well, with some good fish to 37.08lb and just a tad few exotics“.
“Mo was trying to catch enough exotic for a darts match with our fine whiskery friends. Mind you you would of thought a shave first for the pic’s was in order“.
“The fish mainly came at night resulting in little sleep for either of us and very little for moi during the day due to our Mo practicing snoring for England !!!!!“ .
“Mo went into a temper tantrem when he cracked off a spod ( mine), the rod was launched into the tree behind causing other rods to fall , which were then sent flying through the air leaving only the sole surviving snide to be thrown from from the rod rests into a blackberry bush !!!!!“.
“Those Armalites & infinities are the dogs doodads in on bank destruction tests“.
“I was going to ask him if he was finished yet and would he like some practice on mine, but then again the look on the anti-christ face made me change my mind !!!!!“.
“Both Mo and I went over to see the lads over at Croix blanche lake ( Peter the Pole, Mr Pants, Yoda and the Terminator) and bring them some more supplies. Some great fish in the two lakes but we felt Gareth must have employed some Lebonese to improve the swims as it resembled Beirut on a bad day“.
“We hear the owner of the local tackle emporium had a visit to the quacks to sort out a little problem “down there” recently. Old Rottie seems to think its something to do with a 17 year itch“.
“Moi had a right result with snotty’s recently bagging 12 of the blighters in a weekend ...............theres a change !!!!“.
“Anthony Pogmore’s has lost 3 fish recently. Old Rotti fishing next to him on the road bank tells us that Anthony hooked a 20lb common and proceeded to net it only to let it swim out when he put the net and his rod down. Playing it back to the net again our man put the net down only for it to swim out yet again. Guess what on the third attempt...................yes you guessed it. The other fish in the lake were heard to be singing the theme tune to “The Great Escape” whilst this was going on“.
“Moi has had another fish from the local lake in the form of an “Exotic”. Can anyone tell me what species it is ? and it’s sex ?“.
“Our mate Derek “The Bat” has rejoined the club after haulin down at Hartford Marina for a year, evidently unable to take out a second mortgage to fish the syndicate water for another year, he’s finding “Ging” more refreshing to his wallet“.
“Dont worry Derek “Scotch Corners” rent is still cheap“.
“Our Bernie “The Bolt” has been getting it in stereo over the last weekend what with “Dappy” on one side and a new member “Dave” on the other.......No wonder he goes off to fish in solitude on the Fen every other weekend“.
“Ed the button “Lurch” fished a one nighter down the lake over the weekend and lost another eel (Devil fish). We think he lost it on purpose as the lads were talking about eel recipes that night, including curried ones !!! and promised he would try some out...........not“.
“Our Hannah gave us some blinding information about her and Peters holiday in some far flung exotic location about Peter fascination with birds. Evidently Peter and the delectable Hannah was on the beach sun bathing (I can picture it now..........no not you Peter!!!) when The pole stated he was waiting for a sea gull to deposit excrement on to the topless bathing beauties sprawled on the beach. Having waited 15 minutes with no result, Peter laid out to catch some rays and was promptly dive bombed by said sea gulls resulting in a splattering of **** on his mouth“.
“Well this only confirms what we all knew, about the **** he normally comes out with“.
“Hannah has trained her dog “Harvey” to drink from a bottle without spilling a drop. I wonder if she can train her taller half, Peter ?“.
“Has anyone seen Willy ?. If we don’t see him soon down the lake we may have to put up some lost pet signs around Eaton Socon........or MacDonalds“.
“Stop press ..........Willy’s been found alive and well'ish. Evidently he’s been on a weight watchers diet plan and is now looking the part of a Solar bankstick“.
“Our man from across the border, Derek “The Bat” has also had a recent problem with his legs when arising from a particularly high stalking chair whilst having a social in my swim over the weekend. Blaming it on lack of sleep, overwork, heat exhaustion, the wife, mosquitos etc, he overlooked the copious consumption of beer & WKN that night.............which might have been the cause of his lack of motor response. Later an even more dubious cause was given by our Derek as he thought he might have mixed his drinks.......Buds, Stella, Grolsh, 1664, St Omer.............Yeah right !!!!!“.
““Daves” back on the lake but you only see him move when “Dopey” Mick’s out of sight.......We wonder why..........could be the shared cellular structure !!!!“.
“We hear a new member has also fallen in off “Two bar point” after getting his feet stuck in the clay whilst trying to net a fish and ended up in his “Y” fronts. Must be something about that swim as Mr Pants did the same thing last year. By the way if you read this you might want to remove your trainer that’s still floating in the weed !!!!!“.
“Originally we thought the trainer was Willy’s (with him still attached), so frantic casting into the area below the offending footwear were conducted by Peter and Cliff with marker floats, spinners and treble hooks to try and snag what was left of him before he got unrecognisable. Well he’s still around, and still unrecognisable“.
“Noel “The Masterbaiter” has had a swift one off in the woods, this time in the shape of a lovely 21lb’er“.
“Our local celeb “Spider” Paul Webb has been caning the local carp population off the top recently and was spotted a couple of days ago stalking Snotties with mixers.............strange fella“.
“Don’t’ forget there’s a carp match down Ginger on the 27th July all members being welcome. Barbecue breakfast (subject to weather) at 8am at the draw. Pools £10.00 each (cheques welcome payable to my Cayman Islands account.........just kidding). Fish 10am 27/07/02 to 10am 28/07/02 , barbecue in late afternoon (subject to weather) but bring your own food“.
“My old mate Tony “the troll” is currently having a change of scenery at Kingsmead 1 as he was said to be fed up with the road traffic noise at the local lake. Well he certainly won’t hear any road noise at Kingsmead over the top of the 747 jumbo’s over flying every 30 seconds will he !!!“.
“No doubt he will be back when his hearing aid arrives“.
“As I write the carp match has been been completed some 7 hours ago and below you will find some info on what and with whom went on.........“.
“Our “Mr Pants” aka Cliff is known to like a little gargle, and so the night before the match he slurped 15 pints of the black stuff and could not make it out of his pit the next morning despite repeated calls. Mind you he spends his life on his back anyway (or so the lovely Tracy tells us)“.
“He looked fine in comparison to “Yoda” though, who still had a waggle on him as he was out with cliff the night before as well. We thought at one stage a resuscitation would be necessary or the kiss of life........yuk. Mind you he would have got moving faster if our lovely Hannah had been doing the kiss of life on him, so would we all........“.
“The day passed eventfully as usual (for usual see NO FISH), so the lads decided to crack open some more cans and open just a few more bottles down at Mo’s carpmobile.
When moi turned up the carpmobile looked more like a bottle-bank-mobile with the sounds of the Drifters and the Three degrees echoing............mind you the way Yoda looked with his burnt back he looked more like third degree“.
“Our Yoda looked fetching in his green fatigues off set with his “Bin-Laden” head ware though“..
“Mo was in a fine singing voice educating the chaps and queuing them on for the chorus which generally landed on death ears resulting in differing versions from the participants“.
““Sniffer” our new member (I wonder why they call him that......Is it around women, smelling bait, has he a cold, likes doing a line, has sensitive nostril hair, works for customs & excise......We will find out and let you all know) and his family joined in. Sniffers better half was the attention of our Yoda who was seen to have his eyes hanging out..........It was just as well he was not wearing shorts I suppose“.
“Willy even ate off the barbecue which was a suprise as he is the “Alex” of the fishing world (Big Brother fame) and likes to eat on brand new barbecue griddles with his own eating irons or get a take away normally...........Does he know what goes into a Chinese take away other than what should do then.We could tell him but then again we wont’“.
“Willy and Sniffer won the comp with a resounding defeat of the now sober other participants and collected much wonga..............perhaps now he might be able to afford to put more than a pound of bait in over a weekend“.
“We all did not mind losing to the duo, as we only want to catch man sized fish. As the carp were going through their spawning rituals......you know, Thrashing about, making lots of noise in the dead of night (a bit like Peter and Hannah then) they will no doubt have lost weight.........maybe thats what happened to Willy as well !“.
“We all can’t work out how Peter and Hannahs sleeping bag got wet through twice during the night though..........Peter blames it all on the night air.......We believe you“.
“Our Ed (the Lurch) having been an avid viewer of the Common wealth games on the goggle box, recently showed off to us all his emulation of the hop, skip and jump event on the Links lake one night. Having a run on his rods, tried to hop over the fence, tripped, skidded on one heel and landed flat on his face (Nose). His nose obviously saved him but it took a long while for us to remove him from a wooden board though“.
“Talking about running events, Willy gave us a giggle when he ran to his rods to hit a fast take on the Links the same night with his impression of a nancy boy with a handbag on his arm kind of run“.
“Brave man that Willy, bivvied up on the Links closest to the main road gate with all those creepy men walking past in the dead of night“.
“Willy’s been getting the runs however but has been a little slow in moving away from his favoured rubber hooks and darning thread rigs though. Mind you the snotties and tincas stay on well“.
“Peter the Pole had a marvellous result over the weekend with a fine blank on the Links and a superb one in the carpet swim during the carp match.........just plain bad angling ability we believe“.
“Talking about abilities our Willy (again !!) showed off his navigational prowess with his bait boat on the Links, doing figure of eights around his marker float before dropping off his rig and bait into the weed. Hard work though boating out your baits at 20 yards.....perhaps casting to the marker may have been easier........though then again probably not“.
“Darren got amongst the nuisance fish with a fine example of a bootlace from the Links.......shame he did not catch it earlier during the night as it would have made a lovely bedfellow for our Willy in his sleeping bag“.
“Derek “String them high” was on his soap box at the latest carp match with his graphic details at what should be done to criminals. Makes you wonder what he will do to the next angler casting over his lines or fishing to close to him !!!!!........Willy and Peter beware“.
“We hear that Tesco’s has overstocked with tea bags at the local store. Evidently the manager ordered more in thinking that Mr Pants was attending the carp match, and had to quickly transfer their stocks to the Isle of Wight where Cliff was holidaying“.
“A few more fish out on the carp match with most catching or losing fish. Darren ( I’ll be back) having one and catching and releasing a few more (must be on Willy’s rubber hooks then........or just bad angling ability), Sniffer losing one and losing his feet when he went flying, moi with 2 (I dont use rubber hooks....just good angling ability), Dopey Mick with one and 30 empty cans, Dappy with one and in a haze, Noel with one in his hands all night (or so we hear), Derek (string them high) with a one almighty hangover and a big pile of weed in the swim, Peter and Hannah with a sweaty sleeping bag, Willy coat hanger tinca and snottie bashing......(on his anti-carp rigs) and Matey clutching his crutch......es“.
“Sniffers son Peter came out with his best result, 8 pounds .........of the lucky peg money..........good pocket money day that“.
“It’s been a while since we updated the gossip so here’s a resume of past goings on past and the very present....................“
“We hear Dave has taken his brain cell out for another outing down the “Bread” with a fine display of his casting to Squirrel prowess in “Thorpy’s”. Not content with placing his hookbaits amongst the leaves, branches and acorns he sent his marker float and lead also into the green stuff..........Was this so he knew where to put his hook bait...... ?“.
“Whilst pulling out his marker and lead out of the tree with all the power that a Tottenham supporter can possess, the lead came free and hit him on the old brain box. Whilst running around holding his head in pain and screaming, we knew his brain cell was all right because he could still do two things at the same time“.
“Our Mo and Mr Pants find him a bit creepy though as he appears in swims without noise or sight and disappears as quickly as he arrives...............Better not let Lonely fish next to him then chaps..........but then again..........“.
“On the subject of Dave, we understand he had a recent fight with a pallet in “Thorpy’s” (again, is he buried in there or what !!) on a big south westerly. Evidently our Dave bivvied up next to a pallet propped up against “Hangman’s Tree”....(Shuuuuuussssshhhhhh don’t tell Willy). when a gust blew into the side of his bivvy, rendering it apart at the seams. Our Dave , obviously fuming is ever the tidy animal and propped it up again.........for it to blow down again on his bivvy. Someone’s loss is some ones gain as they say and in this case was a sale of a shiny new bivvy from North Herts Tackle (bang goes the season ticket then Dave)“.
“The missus’ came out to play for a night just recently with our son Liam at the Bread and was joined by the motley crew of Darren, Neil, Eddie and Dopey Mick (Must have some beer open then).........usual story no fish caught but a hell of a craeck (interpreters comment...... Irish for crack !!!!). Neil kept Deborah amused with his knowledge of F1 racing, Liam kept Darren amused by beating his high scores on the games on Darren’s new phone, Eddie however played with himself (Thats normal then !!!!) and Mick just rolled ”Brixton fags” and talked to himself all night......!!!!“.
“Old SFB is at it again, not content with fishing the rest of the factory bay at the “Bread” he decides to deposit his marker, bait and barge over moi’s right hand rod, bless him. Mind you his opticians have just closed down and he’s using the bottoms of milk bottles for glasses is obviously a good excuse“.
“Fisticuffs at dawn was possibly the answer.......but no, we will write letters at dawn and see what the outcome is !!“.
“Mind you can SFB manage to write another (Yawn......) letter to the committee about moi having a go about his fish at all cost prowess, perhaps the whole family will join in this time to write something constructive (cough!)“.
“Our Willy and Sniffer witnessing the unfolding events had the right idea..........taking over the control of the black beast (which SFB uses to put bait out) and take control with some fiendish high powered transmitter........(sounds a bit X Files to me) or sink it (sounds more realistic)“.
“Willy (rubber hooks) has had a torrid time down the lake recently with the Snotties and the Tinca's holding on to his gaff and knitting yarn rigs and the carp (who have far more intelligence),), spitting the dodgy rigs out before they hit dry land.“
“Mind you he did have a carp run a week ago but lost it because he was at work.............. (make out of it what you will !!!!!)“
“Our delectable Hannah and our irresistible Dopey Mick were both violently ill recently after another bargain “Set meal for whon........”(who’s he) from the local take away. Could be too much chef’s relish was added to the sauce then.........“
“Our Mr pants was totally wan......krd last night, accusing the lack of food for his downfall. Perhaps the large amount of hops and barley flavoured water had something to do with it.“
“Just as well he was given a lift back to his swim courtesy of Darren (Making Mr Pants hold on to the outside of the Frontera is hardly courteous but a good idea as a pavement pizza on the back seat may have been hard to clean up afterwards) as SFB would no doubt have been doing a late night vehicle and body search check, would have asked him to walk a straight line (and having failed big time !!!!) before reading him his rights (whether SFB would have caught up with Mr Pants body swerves is another matter).....you know, the right to remain sober, the right to pee up your right leg, the right to make 30 cups of tea in a day, the right to expose your Y fronts to an unsuspecting audience of cheering carp anglers, the right to tell “pegleg and hunch back jokes”......(you know, you’ve all heard it already !!!!!!!).“
“A new member to the band is in the shape of our blonde bombshell Ian (Flipper), recently released on bail by his girlfriend into our care at the ““Bread” for safe keeping. After an initial indoctrination by Mr Pants, and moi resulting in a massive hangover our new man showed off his swimming prowess by launching into 2 bar to rescue a swan that was entangled in line. Marks out of ten by the board of judges........Freestyle 8.7, Back stroke 9.2, Breast stroke 9.5, Synchronised swimming (with the swan) 9.8. “
“Ian (aka Flipper) was a bit concerned when “Thing’s were pulling me down under the water” in two bar bay. We both explained it was only weed that was gripping him and not to worry, your a big grown lad now,.......... hush, hush.“
“We could not reveal the dark secrets of two bar bay, entrusted to us by committee members long since past, but we might tell our mate Lonely in the dead of night thooooooooooooooough!!!!!!!!!.“
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