And
we are thankful.
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| Behold! It is I, master of magic, creator of short lived children's character Wizbit and general crazy fella - Paul Daniels. I am here to bring you tips and cheats for games, ably assisted by the lovely Debbie Mcgee. Now then, you'll like this - not a lot - but you'll like it. I was playing X last night with some demons of the black arts I had summoned and they told me that to get infinite lives, all I had to do was.... Now THAT'S MAGIC! (Not really. JC.) Impressed aren't you? No? Oh. Well, things have been rough since they gave Wipe Out to Bob Monkhouse. That was MY show, damnit. Look, I'm a bit short of cash and I'm out of cherry, could you loan me a tenner until next week? I'll saw your kids in half, if you like. I'm available for parties and weddings, y'know..! No please, not more drugs... I'll be good....! Nooooo! |
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Hello,
fellas! Seeing as I haven't released a decent album in years, I've decided
to help out the blokes at "Celebrity Game Review" (the most famous website
in the world) by writing an article for them. I like nothing better than
jumping around my bedroom on a Saturday night with a bunch of flowers in
my back pocket and a copy of Iss Pro 98 in my Playstation. Well, time for
all you other international playboys to pay attention, because the latest
version of this little wonder is expected this October. Boasting a bigger
pitch, more frames of animation, more teams and a new passing system to
master. You'll all be as delighted as an angst ridden teenage lad when
it hits the shops. For those of you who have never played any of the Iss
Pro games - shame on you. These are far superior titles than those Fifa
efforts and have a ton more playability. Well, that's all for now chaps,
I'm off down the arcade with some teenagers who wish they were me. Play
safe and remember - "Everyday is like Sunday."
More fun next week! Love, Old Mozzer. |
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| In
an effort to finally put and end to the ever raging war regarding which
is the best console to own, we go around to celebrities houses and ask
them their opinions. This week it's outrageous Tv funny man, Les
Dennis.
Us: Hi Les, we're from world famous website "Celebrity Game Review". LD: Ah, won't you come in...? Us: Cheers, Les. How have you been? LD: Well, my court case comes up next week, but I've managed to get Rolf Harris to say the sheep was like that when I got there. Us: Er, nice one Les. LD: Would you like some tea? Us: No thanks, Les. LD: Oh alright. Coffee maybe? Us: Nah, you're alright Les. LD: How's about some animal nitrate, then? Us: Not just now, Les. So, I see you have an N64 in the corner there. LD: Where...? Us: There, under that copy of "Farmyard Weekly"... LD: Oh yeah, I love a good game of Golden Eye after a hard night down at the petting zoo. So, there you have it folks. The N64 get's this weeks vote as choice of console among the celebrities. Next week we get down to the home of football superstar, Andy Cole. |
Not quite a celebrity, but very much a star in his own right. Mr. Tubs didn't quite make it through the interview to become a Tellytubby like La-La and friends. Mr. Tubs thought he was on to a winner what with his name being quite similar to the word Tellytubbies. Unfortunately the fascists at the BBC thought Mr. Tubs facial scar from a knife fight down the docks, the fact he gives off a rank odour, the way the thingy on his head resembles male genitalia and that his tv always displays porn - would not be the sort of things they would like to expose children to. However, us at CGR have decided to give Mr. Tubs a chance and have looked past his exterior to give him a shot at the big time. So, the little freak will be here every week doing something or other. God knows what, we don't care.
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Each week, we'll be popping along
to Keanu's gaff for his latest insight into the future face of gaming.
Ladies and gentlemen - the wise and wonderful Mr. Reeves....
"Yeah, like - whoa. The Dreamcast is gonna rock your world, man! I mean like, whoa...! Y'know? Did you like The Matrix? I did all my own stunts. Now THAT'S acting." |
Oo-er, looks like some dodgy fella is trying to sell you a pirate copy of "The Phantom Menace" Lummocks! Can you think of a witty caption to go along with this pic? Or are you all a bit Keanu? Well??? Mail us at the address at the top of the page.
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| Anyone who ever uses any of the chat programs
on the internet will already know that there are tons of perverts on-line,
only to happy to corrupt your mind. Sickened by this situation, CGR have
hired the services of Batman to investigate the on-line pervs. What follows
is an AUTHENTIC log of a conversation.
Session Ident: MrMiss (Me@ts07-067.dublin.indigo.ie) Batman: Hi there. MrMiss: Are you a tv? Batman: Er....are you? MrMiss: yes Batman: Well, let's say I'm curious about you, citizen. MrMiss: Batman: Well yes, but they're not mine. MrMiss: Batman: would that turn you on, citizen? MrMiss: what you got? Batman: All sorts of gadgets. Batman: Are you trying to arouse me you swine???
Batman: Hello, Arkham? Yes, I've got another one
for you....
Session Close: Sun Aug 15 15:57:02 1999 |
Well, another weeks hard work is over, so the lads like nothing better than to head down The Rovers for some booze and lap dancing from Betty. Les Dennis not in photo - he was last seen knocking around Jack's old pigeon shed with a pair of rubber gloves.
