my fascination with u2 began just a year ago. my brother, having just killed his financial advisor and masseur, miss pussy galore, with the sharp end of a brick, invited me round to his flat for a coffee or a milkshake - or perhaps another form of drink. when i arrived at the flat i helped him clear away the body and then we put mtv on to see what was playing. as I sucked in my tasty banana milkshake, i noticed that the song and video could only be by one band - it was the new number one by u2, beautiful day.

now, i'm not particularly a fan of u2 but when you look at it they've got their own particular style haven't they? slick videos but not too slick… cautiously adventurous, sunglasses, traditional songs, sweaty foreheads, intense looks. i mean, they're the only possible way that a wartorn village shot in black and white might look completely unharrowing, commerical, yet somehow right - and for u2 to look like fucking jesus christ at the end of it. you can just imagine some bloody freedom fighter in some war torn eastern european country. he's had both his legs blown of by a sloshy manmunchavic missile and he's dying in agony. bono crouches down, to give the man his final pepsi, and looks into the camera. he sings earnestly, his voice cracking perfectly as he hits the high note - "this is your last pepsi… enjoy it while you can" - as he takes off his shades so you can see his tear… yet jesus walks with u2. jesus walks with them. and yet this would seem totally right… can you imagine anyone but bono pulling this off?

anyway, i digress slightly. my brother and I hit upon the idea of buying bono costumes from the fancy dress shop over the road, a cheap camcorder from dixons, a bubblepackaged envelope, three stamps and the latest u2 album. this was the plan: we would first film the corpse, and a confession by my brother, timed to approximately three to four minutes. I would stand around in the bono outfit, with my shades, looking really earnest while he did it. and sympathizing with him. because we're all sinners in the eyes of jesus - we all sin! - i mean, man, we must take pity on this people. i would say that with just my eyes. i would take off my sunglasses at exactly the right moment and give a knowing look. a pleading look! dear god, surely there is hope for us all yet. then, after the confession, i would peer over my sunglasses and say: "i'm bono from u2, and i truly believe, with god as my witness, that you shouldn't press charges." i had to say that in my best irish accent, because bono is irish.

step two is to soundtrack "stuck in a moment you can't get out of" (beautiful day seems inappropriate) to what we just recorded, and then step three is to send it off to the local police station. we never heard anything about it since.