Fight on Sister

Today, I will be too calm for worry, too noble for anger and too strong for defeat. Today, I will believe anything is possible...I will walk through fear without hesitation. Today, I will stand for something. Today, I will make a difference." Today I will speak out --	RECOGNIZING VERBAL ABUSE How to Recognize It and How to Respond, many obstacles stand in the way of recognizing verbal abuse when it's happening and the abuser's reality. These obstacles appear in most abusive relationships, and becoming aware of them eliminates their power. If you can relate to any or all of them you should seriously consider the need to recognize that you are being abused. The fact that your can never seem to please your partner doesnt mean there is something wrong with you. You need to take a close look at your relationship. It is important that you become very aware of your feelings and experiences. e The personality -- one that seeks Power Over another -- is not capable of the empathetic comprehension that love and relationships require.
Some Some things you might ask yourself are these: "How often do you feel upset about what is said or not said to you?" "What is going on in your life at the time?" "Are there others present?" "Are you usually alone with your mate?" "What do you actually feel when there is an upsetting incident with your mate?" "Do you feel confused, surprised, hurt, frustrated, diminished, threatened?" "How do you respond?"	love doesnt hurt - abuse sucks
Some things you should look for: do any of these describe you and your relationship? Emotional abuse is the continual diminishment of another. It may be intentional or subconscious or both, it is always different situations, not just a single event. It is designed to reduce a person's self-concept to the point where the victim considers himself unworthy - unworthy of respect, unworthy of friendship, unworthy of the natural birthright of all people, which is love. It's time to stop playing that role, time to write your own script. Victims of emotional abuse carry the cure in their own hearts and souls. Salvation means learning self-respect, earning the respect of others and making that respect the absolutely irreducible minimum requirement for all intimate relationships. Being in love is supposed to feel great. But sometimes it just feels confusing. and hurtful and scary. Often the first indication that there is something wrong in the way your SO treats you is how you feel. You feel uneasy, tense, confused, like something isn't right. Below is a list of some of the ways that people say they felt when they were with an abusive SO Pressured Confused Guilty, like you are not good enough Angry Uncomfortable Scared Nervous or tense Humiliated Bad about yourself Trapped Restricted or controlled (like you have to watch what you do or say) Upset Totally alone Helpless Afraid to speak out or voice an opinion Afraid to disagree or be assertive As if you are dissapearing Depressed Suicidal Listening to your feelings is important. Think about how you feel when you are with your SO. Talk to someone, tell a counselor, call a woman's center in your area. Phone a help line. Don't be afraid or ashamed. You are NOT alone..	What is abuse? Abuse can be physical, hitting, pushing, slapping, restraining, kicking, throwing things at someone, rape and other forced sex acts. It can be emotional which means: Threatening, belittling, name calling, humiliating, cruel "teasing", sarcasm, with holding love, rejection, with holding support, security, failing to provide shelter, food, adequate financial resources, childcare. Words such as "bitch, slut, cow, dickless, fat, stupid, ugly, old, worthless etc" do not belong in a loving relationship. Neither do threats of abandonment. Enlisting others in the abuse, such as family members, friends, children, employers, neighbours, doctors, lawyers, teachers, the police. Phrases such as 'everyone hates you, everyone thinks you are stupid" dont belong in a loving relationship. Never respecting your needs, never listening, never giving any importance to what you say, refusing to change or compromise. Preventing someone from sleeping, playing games with peoples minds, stealing, breaking things that have value to the victim. It can involve "accidents' that hurt the victim without seeming to be intentional. Flirting with other people, having affairs, blaming you because of your alleged inadequacies. Belittling your sexual abilities or interest. Trying to make you jealous or feel insecure in your relationships. Phrases such as "you can be replaced" do not belong in a loving relationship. Attempts to control you, blackmail you, removing your children, isolating you from friends and family members. If you are experiencing any of these things you could be in an abusive relationship. Its up to you to say "I wont accept this". Emotional abuse can in a lot of cases be more difficult to recover from than phsycial abuse, because you need to discover how and why you let it happen, and make sure it never happens again. It isnt your FAULT - no one deserves to be abused. You are not resonsible for the fact that your partner chooses to be an abuser. But it is up to you to stop it. And to begin making healthy choices. HOW IS A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP DIFFERENT? There's no way to avoid all conflicts between two people. Good listening and communication skills can strengthen a couple's relationship. This means talking about things, not fighting, or name calling. You and your partner can ensure that healthy, loving feelings continue even when you disagree. You should not be afraid to voice your opinion or discuss how you are feeling with your partner.
POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER Has your partner a history of child abuse or abusive relationships? Many abuse victims suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as a result of the abuse they have suffered. With Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), many emotional and cognitive processes become more intense, while others are deadened. People whose normal lives have been drastically changed by the sudden intrusion of horrifying and destructive events are experiencing more than they can integrate, and their sense of security and safety is shattered. In PTSD, some of people's responses are greatly heightened. The shattering impact of a traumatic event has told them that the world is no longer the safe place they used to imagine. So they become ready for danger at all times: they have hyper-vigilance--greater readiness to flee or fight. They live in emergency mode, and have become used not to trust. At the same time as having heightened responses, they may also shut down a great deal, so that many of their normal responses to life and to other people are not accessible to them. Forming healthy relationships is a real struggle for survivors of abuse. You may have no basis of comparison and no experience of nonabusive relationships with men. You may have never seen a model of a healthy relationship and good communication. You need to find a good counselor, do it for yourself, do it for your children. Children pattern their own lives on those of their parents.	Healthy Communication/Healthy Relationshops Does your partner get defensive any time you want to talk? Is it hard to give him or her any feedback without being accused of nagging or being critical? Can you not get heard in your relationship? Are your needs, wants, requests not heard or ignored? Would you like to deepen the communication between the two of you, creating more intimacy? MMany people approach how they relate in their primary partnership as though the skills are automatic. Any failure, or most failures, are seen as the other person's fault. On the occasion when a person does admit to a personal lack it is often brushed away by saying "this is who I am". "The way you are" is not acceptable if it hurts other people or stands in the way of your own happiness. Poor communication The way people talk (or don’t talk) to one another can cause a lot of distress and tension. Some examples of poor communication are when one partner: Has a demanding or intrusive communication style and the other partner withdraws or refuses to communicate in response. Tries to manipulate the other with negative emotions, such as anger and sadness. Personally criticises his/her partner, such as calling him/her ‘lazy’, rather than explaining that it is their partner’s behaviour that they dislike. Fails to show concern for or understanding of the other by not physically or emotionally responding to them. MORE ON RELATIONSHIPS AND COMMUNICATION