Would you be friends with someone who treated you the way you treat your partner? Would you be friends with someone who treats you the way your partner treats you?

What response do you have to fear? Do you lash out in anger, or get defensive when you are afraid? Do you burst into tears? Avoid all situations and confronations you are fearful of?

Nothing will change in your life or in your relationships until you confront your fears and learn how to communicate without fear. 
Everyone is afraid at sometime in their lives..

Treating your partner as one of your closest friends starts with the assumption that the person is your friend. This assumption isn't always accurate. Ugly as it may be, it is time to figure out whether you are in partnership with a friend or an enemy. Oprah said recently "when a person shows you who they are (their behavior) believe them". When a person behaves cruelly believe they are cruel. When they speak with bigotry or gender biases believe they are biased. This can be difficult since recognizing someone's behavior means coming to grips with whether the person is or is not our friend. If the person is your friend then it is time to make sure you are treating them that way--to be giving your partner the caring and respect that a friend deserves and requires. If your partner is an enemy then it's time to come to grips with that fact and take action. Remember with enemies there can only be either social truces or hostilities, but never true love or safety

Today, I will be too calm for worry, too noble for anger and too strong for defeat.
Today, I will believe anything is possible...I will walk through fear without hesitation.
Today, I will stand for something.
Today, I will make a difference."
Today I will speak out --
I will find the courage to cgange the things that are hurting me. I will find the courage to fight for myself and my children.

Today I will say "I deserve happiness"

I talk but no one listens to me.
Good communication requires many skills. Some basic ideas to get you started are:

Remove all distractions, such as television or radio noise, and arrange a time to talk that suits you both.
Avoid interrupting your partner.
If you are unsure or upset by what has been said, summarise back what you have heard and check for accuracy before replying.
Avoid labelling your partner.
Focus on behaviour rather than the person. Personal attacks are unlikely to improve the situation, but  identifying specific behaviours opens up opportunities for change.
Try to speak in encouraging and positive ways, so that you are showing support rather than putting your partner down. 
Talk about the good aspects of the relationship, as well as the problems

"People dream of love, warmth, commitment and
conversation. There are plans for honeymoons, houses, promotions, children and eventually retirement. People growing old together, long in love and now also the best of friends.   And so the dreams begin,  often  dreams held since childhood. 

Two people come together and begin to build a future, dreamed as two. Two people who want to be loved and to love. Two people who want closeness and warmth and abandoned passion and a partner for life. Someone to talk with, laugh with, cry with. A person who cheers for their success and holds them tightly through failure



For some people the dream does last, for others it turns into a nightmare

Remember that a healthy relationship allows both partners to be individuals with their own needs and expectations.  It allows you to be "just a human being". It contained respect for each other, mutual love, understanding and support.

You are entitled to respect, appreciation, love and security in your relationships.

The battering cycle contains three phases. These phases are the tension-building phase, the explosion or acute battering incident, and the calm, loving respite. Phase one is characterized by verbal attacks and minor acts of violence. This leads to phase two, the acute battering incident, in which tension peaks and a violent incident occurs. This is immediately followed by the third phase, characterized by the loving and caring qualities the batterer displays. It is during this phase that a victim may believe that the batterer is committed to changing his behavior, causing her to stay and give him another chance.

THE EFFECTS OF REPEATED ABUSE

Repeated battering lowers your resistance, you lost your "will" to leave or change things. You become passive and unresponsive. You begin to believe you are helpless to change things. You believe that there is nothing you can do, and nowhere you can go. "I am incapable and too stupid to learn how to change things".

Many abused women are without skills or education to be financially independent. Many come from families where being on welfare is too shameful and "just not done".
These relationships cannot be changed from one side.   Remember that by staying you are condoning and enabling the abuse - and helping your partner to stay sick. If your partner is unwilling to get help the only safe course of action is to totally remove yourself from the situation and seek help on your own. Being on welfare is better than being dead.

All children caught in violent family environments will suffer from emotional abuse. Furthermore, many of these children also become victims of physical violence. Think of the impact it is having on the emotional health of your children to witness abuse between their parents. What are they learning about relationships, love, respect  how to treat others, and be treated themselves?AAs children watch their parents, they are learning how to treat others-and how others should treat them. In most cases, this natural learning process is beneficial. But for children who have experienced domestic violence-the results can be devastating.
Abuse is a family dysfunction that repeats through generations. Just as addictions pass down through generations, abusers often leave their families for a family of choice - then repeat the abusive cycle from the other side.  The abused becomes the abuser and so continues the cycle.

I WANT TO LEAVE BUT HOW DO I DO IT?

Avoid the tendency to isolate yourself from your friends and family. You might feel like you have nowhere to turn, or feel embarrassed about what's been going on, but this is the time when you need support most. People ,like counselors, the police, Womens Centers and friends will want to help you, so let them. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness..Its a sign of courage, the courage to change your life for the better.

Choose happines, choose life, you are worth it.

Boys who witness domestic violence are more likely to batter their female partners as adults than boys raised in nonviolent homes

Follow the link to the next page where the effects on children are discussed in greater depth, as well as personality types and warning signals.
How well do you know your future partner? Should you be concerned?

Abusive patterns are part of the emotional make up of both the parties involved. Without help and outside intervention the abusive patterns will be repeated in all relationships.

Break the cycle now !

More than half of battered women stay with their batterer because they do not feel that they can support themselves and their children alone.
The prospect of facing poverty was cited as a major factor influencing women’s decisions to remain in the abusive relationship.

In homes where domestic violence occurs, children are abused at a rate 1,500% higher than the national average.
Older children may be hurt while trying to protect their mother.
Children from violent homes have higher risks of alcohol/drug abuse and juvenile delinquency. Approximately 90% of children are aware of the violence directed at their mother.
Children in homes where domestic violence occurs may experience cognitive or language problems, developmental delay, stress-related physical ailments (such as headaches, ulcers, and rashes), and hearing and speech problems.
Many children in homes where domestic violence occurs have difficulties in school, including problems with concentration, poor academic performance, difficulty with peer interactions, and more absences from school.