What, you didn't just come here for the photos? Blimey.
Well if you really want to know about me I better make something up,
err I mean tell you the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the
truth. Let's start with some facts about me. Something that no one has
ever done with a bio before….not!
 Height:
5' 5".
Weight: Not low enough!
Natural Colour Of Hair: Blue / Black.
Colour Of Eyes: Brown.
So where
do I begin? Well I was brought up in the jungle by friendly gorillas,
no hold on that was someone else. It all started when my grandfather
was held prisoner by, no, that's not it either.
The truth is is that my story is not an extraordinary one. I was a Senator
from the peaceful world of Naboo when….
Okay okay,
I guess that I should put something that resembles the truth. Ever since
I can remember I have had feelings and urges within me that I couldn't
understand. I couldn't put my finger on it, but even at the tender age
of 5 I felt that something wasn't quite right. I didn't understand it
all, if any of it. Somehow I felt almost like a spectator in my own
life. It's difficult to put into words, but you get the picture.
It wasn't
until I was 7 or so that these feelings drew me to start dressing in
female clothes. Unfortunately there wasn't a branch of Dorothy Perkins
near my house, so I had to turn to my mom's selection of high fashion!
I certainly must have looked ridiculous, but in my mind I felt a freedom
and release that was wonderful. Of course these stolen moments of bliss
were quickly followed by extreme moments of guilt and self-loathing.
At my primary and junior school
Life continued
like this for a few years. Between dodging my brothers who obviously
competed in seeing which one of them could send me running up to my
room and slamming the door the quickest, and feeling guilt and shame
at what I was doing, it pretty much kept me busy.
I also read
about men who dressed up as women, and realised that it wasn't just
me that did this. Although I felt some relief at knowing this, I still
felt incredible guilt, and still thought that these people couldn't
feel like I felt.
 Then
I started to hear about women who use to be men. That something like
that was actually possible was a surprise to me. The two that I remember
most vividly reading about were April Ashley and Tula (otherwise known
as Caroline Cossey), who incidentally was a Bond girl in "For Your
Eyes Only", (got there before me! L).
In a way
knowing that there were people out there was both a comfort and a source
of despair. It was good to know that I was not alone, but frustrating
that there was this whole other world that was just outside of my grasp.
I am a very shy girl, with not a lot of confidence so I could fill a
book with the amount of times that I would try to phone a help line
or write to someone for advice, only to chicken out at the last moment.
When I went to secondary school things didn't really improve. It was
an all boys' school, and although I certainly had some good friends
there I still felt out of place. When we all hit the teenage years thoughts
turned to girls and parties, at least it did for them. I loved going
to parties, and saw all my friends pairing off with girls, but although
I became very good friends with many of them. That's where it tended
to end. I was always the one that the girls would talk to about the
boys that they fancied. The one that the girls turned to when a relationship
wasn't going the way they wanted it to. I desperately wanted a girlfriend,
and felt left out of a lot of things (boy is this sounding depressing,
why don't you just skip this and have a look at some photos instead?),
but somehow when it came to the crunch the girls would go elsewhere,
or I would chicken out.
Meanwhile
life at my secondary school wasn't much better. I really enjoyed English
Language and Literature, and was okay at a few other subjects, but still
felt like an outsider, and never really fitted in. I was bullied by
some idiots, and to this day I am not really sure why. Mostly it was
with words, but a couple of times it involved the use of physical force.
I remember once I was playing tennis and one of the bullies walked up
to me, punched me, and then walked off without saying anything!
Coupled
with my lack of success in forming any relationship, and my home life,
this made me even more shy and introverted, and at the same time angry.
There were times when I would get upset at the smallest of things, and
let forth with a tirade of fowl language. As you can probably tell by
now, that is if you are still reading, that I wasn't a happy bunny.
Well it was near this time that a friend (yes I did have a few!) asked
me if I went to church. He introduced me to a church group that met
every Sunday morning, and it was something of a revelation to me. I
went to these meetings for a while, another good excuse for getting
out of the house, and enjoyed them a lot. To cut a long story short
I went on a summer retreat with this friend, where several people, most
of them very young, met and studied the bible, asked questions about
what they found, and discovered many interesting things.
Well at
the end of these two weeks I finally asked God into my life, and I can
honestly say that knowing Jesus is the best thing that has ever happened
to me. He doesn't make any problems you have disappear, but he gets
you through them, and by doing that makes you stronger. I suppose that
some of you may question how I can be transsexual and a Christian
at the same time. Well this was something that I struggled with for
years. I am not going to list down all the arguments that there are
on this subject, but needless to say that I do not think that it is
a sin. There are sites that really delve into the biblical questions
much better than I ever could, and for those of you who might want to
research this then a good starting point might be: http://members.tripod.com/~michelledee.
It's a great tg Christian site, with some interesting articles and links.
The only advice I would give if you are searching for answers to these
kind of questions is to pray about it, and be prepared for the answers
not to necessarily be the ones that you are looking for.
 Eventually
I left school, and found a job which I was okay at. I left behind the
bullies (yay!), but don't hold any bitterness towards them. In a way
I feel deep sympathy towards them. It can't be good for anyone to go
through life with hatred and anger towards others. For some it is easier
than others, and people can change. So I hope that these children have
grown into calmer people.
Where am
I now with my transsexual life? Well whilst I have reconciled my faith
to my tg feelings I still have a few obstacles to face. The first big
one is my family. I get along much better now with my brothers, although
I would not say that I am particularly close to them. It helps that
neither of them live close to me! But they realise what they did, and
have expressed regret over it. Relationships can be strained at times,
but on the whole things are a lot better. My father left when I was
quite young. I won't go into the whys and wherefores, but I have never
really been close to him. His job meant that he led a very sheltered
life, and I don't really have any memories of him being a 'dad'. I speak
to him maybe once a month now, but it is never terribly easy. We both
lead such different lives, and have a limited amount of things that
we can talk about. I don't hate him or anything like that, but I could
never tell him about my true self. For a start he probably wouldn't
even know what transsexual meant!
At the moment
I live with my mom as my current job does not pay enough for me to get
a place of my own. I would dearly love to move out, and get my own place,
or share with someone who is ts friendly so that I could be myself.
But It's too easy. However I live in hope that maybe one day it might
happen. My mom is very anti transgendered people. I did tell her once
about my feelings, but her reaction was not good, and I had to pretend
that it was all a joke. Ever since then this part of me has remained
hidden. Occasionally I will try to talk to her about it, but at best
she sees transgendered people as something to be laughed at. She is
a very good person, but she comes from a different era, and some of
her views can be very strident. This is a constant source of distress
for me, but again I live in hope that it might not always be this way.
However I am prepared to realise that it might be, in which case I really
do need to move out!
The other
major barrier is that I have yet to venture out. This comes from a real
lack of confidence. There is always a fear that I won't be accepted.
I won't be feminine enough, or pretty enough, or clever enough. Of course
in meeting tg girls over the net I have found many to be completely
accepting and the rational part of me says, "This is not a competition.
You won't be laughed at." Etc etc, but there is always that fear
and anxiety.
I really hope to get over this soon. One thing that has helped is meeting
Jodie Lynn. I went to my first appointment at The fabulous Boudoir at
the end of April this year (2002), and not only did she perform an amazing
makeover on me (the results of which you can find in my photo section),
but she treated me like a friend. I told her things that I have never
really told anyone else, and she just accepted and treated me as a completely
normal person. I cannot recommend her highly enough for all you girls
out there. Not only is she completely gorgeous on the outside, but also
her inner beauty matches this. Thank you Jodie!
The other
thing that has helped is the love and support of so many girls that
I have met. So it is now time for some thankyous. So in no particular
order:
Jodie Lynn. I have run out of superlatives to use about this beautiful
girl. She helped me find my true self. Jodie you're a star!
Debbie Fox
and Sandie Wainwright who helped with my only other venture outside
of my house. They were kind enough to reach out, and it meant an enormous
amount to me. You can see the result of their photos in my 2001 photos
elsewhere on this web site.
Cathy Ellis
who is my Auntie. Always there for me. Always ready with advice and
sage words. A huge support and help. A truly beautiful woman. I wish
she really was related to me. I might pick up some of those glamorous
genes she has (and no I don't mean jeans, I mean genes!).
Joanna Nicholls. A gorgeous girl who let me join the UK Angels. Her
and Kim do an amazing job, and have provided all of us with a wonderful
way to make good friends.
Maria Whittaker. I haven't spoken to her for sometime, but she helped
in many ways, and I will always be grateful to her.
Serena. What can I say about Serena? She is so totally wonderful. I
chat to her often, and she has gently been encouraging me to get out
there, and to get a web site up. This is all your fault Serena! You
would be hard pressed to find someone as kind and thoughtful as this
great girl.
Finally, but by no means least Siobhan Redmond. I really enjoyed my
chats with her.A courageous and beautiful woman. An inspiration in so
many ways, and a girl who deserves so much happiness in her life.
Well I guess that that is all for now. Hopefully there will be further
updates to come. But for now take care, and thanks for reading. Ciao
for now!
 | You scored as Padme Amidala.
Padme Amidala | | 67% | Darth Vader | | 61% | Anakin Skywalker | | 56% | C-3PO | | 53% | Clone Trooper | | 47% | R2-D2 | | 47% | Yoda | | 44% | General Grievous | | 39% | Mace Windu | | 36% | Obi Wan Kenobi | | 36% | Chewbacca | | 28% | Emperor Palpatine | | 19% |
Which Revenge of the Sith Character are you?
created with QuizFarm.com |  | You scored as Tara Maclay. You're soft-hearted and soft-spoken. You do get nervous, especially when around new people, but it passes. You love your loved ones and would do anything to help them.
Tara Maclay | | 75% | Xander Harris | | 67% | Buffy Summers | | 67% | Dawn Summers | | 63% | Spike | | 54% | Willow Rosenberg | | 50% | Anya | | 42% | Rupert Giles | | 42% |
Which Buffy The Vampire Slayer Character Are You Most Like!?
created with QuizFarm.com |
 | You scored as Kate. You're Kate! You're not really a bad person, you've just had some trouble with your past - what's a few lies, anyhow? You're a little secretive but let's face it ... what others don't know won't hurt them. Under all that, you really are a good person. You're ready to help even if it'll set you back a bit.
Kate | | 75% | Charlie | | 75% | Claire | | 69% | Boone | | 56% | Locke | | 56% | Jack | | 56% | Hurley | | 50% | Sayid | | 50% | Michael | | 44% | Sun | | 44% | Sawyer | | 38% | Jin | | 38% | Shannon | | 38% |
Who is your "Lost" alter ego?
created with QuizFarm.com |
 | You scored as A Cinderella Story. You believe in love unconditionally. You can love someone know matter who they are You go girll!
A Cinderella Story | | 100% | The Notebook | | 83% | Legally Blonde | | 67% | Charlies Angels | | 67% | Mean Girls | | 58% |
What Chick Flick is just like Your Life?
created with QuizFarm.com |
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