Hi there, and thanks for checking this section of
my web site out. I thought that it might be helpful for me to have a
section where I can convey things that I think about or feel, to those
who want to know. It would help me in expressing myself, and not bottling
things up, and it might help you to understand, or at least get to know
me, a little better.
These thoughts aren't in any particular order. They are really just
added as and when I think about them in any detail. So do have a look
at what's here, and let me know what you think, either via the guest
book, or by dropping me an email. Also don't forget that if you have
any questions about me, send them in, and I'll add them to any potential
FAQ section that there might be.
Love
Well this is a biggie to start with isn't it? I guess that the first
thing to say is that love is a word that can mean many different things,
and has been misused by a great many people for a variety of reasons.
There is the love for or of a person, or the love of a country, the
love of a hobby, or the love of a favourite movie, book, or even food.
For instance I can say that I love Chinese food, but when I then say
that I love my mom does that mean that Chinese food is as important
to me as she is? Of course not! Although having said that sesame minced
prawns on toast are really good! Of course as a Christian, for me love
is embodied in Jesus' crucifixion for our sins. So you can see that
it can mean many different things to each one of us, and that we can
each hold a different kind of love for an assortment of people or things
in our lives.
So what has prompted me to start
droning on about love this time? Well I guess that the last three or
four months have seen the biggest changes for me as a transgendered
girl, and that has caused me to reflect on those around me who have
helped or hindered my development as Emma, and those things that I hold
dear in my life.
Well the most obvious meaning of
love is that feeling between two people that want to spend their life
together. I meaning finding that special someone who you can love, and
who will love you in return. For non-transgendered people it isn't easy
at the best of times. A variety of things can get in the way. Age, race,
religion, height weight, money. It can all cause those looking for love,
or those around them to abandon a potential relationship. Should it?
Or does love conquer all? Well I shall leave that for you to decide,
but let me give you an example.
I have a very good friend (she is
a genetic girl ), who has only just turned 21. When she met her boyfriend
she was just turning 19. Now he is 38. When they first started going
out together lots of people sniggered at the age gap, and said that
it wouldn't last, but here they are 2 years later, and still together,
and very much in love. Oh, and by the way they are 2 very nice people!
For transgendered people I think
things are so much more complicated. Why? Because I think that a lot
of people get gender and sexuality confused. A transgendered girl may
be attracted to men and/or women, but that has nothing to do with wanting
to express their feminine side to whatever extent that they need to
do, whether they be a transvestite or a transsexual. For instance most
'admirers' seem to only want one thing, and I think that you can probably
guess what that is. That is of course lust not love, but you see what
I mean? To me love, is all about feelings, and emotions, and whilst
the ultimate expression of that may be sexual, it is by no means the
overriding factor. Also it is difficult to find that person who will
look beyond your physical person to the real you. I would suggest that
straight men would want a woman who had all the physical attributes
of a genetic woman, and that most women would want a man who acted like
a man. Variations on the traditional views of what makes a man a man,
and a woman a woman can cause such 'shocks' because our gender is at
the very heart of our identity. When your body does not match how you
think and feel, or you cannot find a way to express those feelings,
it is difficult to truly share your emotions and thoughts with someone,
and you are left in a sort of limbo.
Okay, now my second thought on love.
As anyone who has read my bio on this page, or emailed me will know,
I have a terrible fear of rejection, of not being accepted. I guess
that it was that fear that stopped my development as Emma for sometime.
Of course I made many good friends over the internet (you know who you
all are!), and their support, and encouragement started to chip away
at all the obstacles that my fear had put before me. It was really due
to them that I eventually went to the Boudoir (yes I'm going on about
that again, but anyone who has been would know why!), and it was really
that first trip that was the catalyst to all the other things that have
happened to me since, like this web site (thanks Serena!), my second
trip, and of course meeting Siobhan Redmond.
Now what made these people want to
help me? I mean they had nothing to gain by reaching out. When they
first did so, they didn't know me, although they may regret knowing
me now! So what made them do it? Well I guess that you could call it
compassion, friendship, or kindness, but isn't it all a form of love?
Of seeing another person in need, and of reaching out to them? I don't
know what the future holds for me, but whatever happens to know that
someone, in fact several people, love me in some aspect means the world
to me.
Well those are my thoughts on love.
I'm sure that many of you have different views on this, but for what
it's worth, these are mine. Take care, and until the next time xxx.
Writings On Love:
Moulin Rouge.
Nature Boy:
" The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love, and be
loved in return."
Come What May:
" Never knew I could feel like this, like I've never sent he sky
before. Want to vanish inside your kiss. Every day I love you more and
more. Listen to my heart can you hear it sing? Telling me to give you
everything. Seasons may change, winter to spring, but I love you until
the end of time.
Come what may, come what may, I will love you until my dying day.
Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place. Suddenly it moves with
such a perfect grace. Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste. It
all revolves around you. And there's no mountain too high, no river
too wide. Sing out this song, and I'll be there by your side. Storm
clouds may gather, stars may collide, but I love you until the end of
time.
Come what may, come what may, I will love you until my dying day. Oh
come what may, come what may, I will love you until my dying day. Suddenly
the world seems such a perfect place.
Come what may, come what may. I will love you until my dying day."
The Bible:
1 Corinthians Chapter 13:
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I
am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of
prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and id I have
a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If
I give all I possess to the poor, and surrender my body to the flames,
but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast,
it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily
angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil,
but rejoices with the truth. It always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where
there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it
will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when
perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked
like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When
I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor
reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know
in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest
of these is love.
Family
Well after writing about love in my previous
thought I guess that family is a natural sequel of sorts. I guess that
for a T person, whether they are a boy or a girl, a transvestite, transsexual,
or something else, telling the family can be one of the most difficult
steps. It certainly has been for me.
My family is not what you would call close
to each other. My mother and father split up when I was 10. I didn’t
actually find out until a couple of years later, and was never told
about it by either my mom or my dad. Call me naive, but when my dad
left I was told that he was moving to another house to research a book,
and I believed it! That left my mom, my two brothers (both older than
me), and myself. My brothers loved to torment me, and there was many
a time when I would run to my room, and slam the door. So the only person
that I was close to was my mom. I have a better relationship with my
brothers these days, and I don’t blame them for what they did.
What about my father? Well things are better. I guess that there will
always be that barrier there, but I think that the last few years he
has begun to realize that maybe he wasn’t the perfect father and
husband.
So what would happen if I told my family that
I was transgendered? Well I did tell my mom some time ago, and her reaction
was not good. I had to pretend it was all a joke! Coming from the person
that I was closest to in the family, this came as a shock, and maybe
that has made me hesitant to tell anyone else. Every now and then I
try to bring the subject up, but it is clear what her reaction would
be. I will still try though, and hope that she will understand. My mom
is not a bad person, quite the opposite, but I guess that on a few subjects
she has very particular views about things.
So what about my father and brothers? Well
I don’t think that my father would have a clue. My brothers would
I guess think it extremely funny. I think that this does not come from
cruelty, but ignorance. People are generally frightened of anything
that they do not understand, and one of the ways that they have in dealing
with that fear is by making themselves feel superior to the thing that
they fear. One of the ways they do this is to mock it. If people are
educated about things, they are more likely not to fear it, and maybe
even understand it. Of course there will always be those that simply
against transgendered people, for whatever reason, and there is little
that we can do about them, other than face them with dignity and strength.
Of course there are also those families that
go beyond what one might expect. I think that for those of us that are
transgendered it is sometimes difficult to realize what a complicated
thing it is for someone to come to terms with. To find out that your
son, daughter, husband, or wife not only has this whole other part of
himself or herself that not only you did not know about, but also they
have been keeping hidden from you. There must be so many conflicting
emotions and thoughts that go through someone’s mind. It takes
strength of character to understand it, let alone accept it. Yet there
are many that do this. Those t people who have families like this are
truly blessed.
I’m sure that my relationship with my
family is not anything special for a transgendered person. Indeed I
am sure that there are many for which it is a good deal worse. I do
believe that any person, transgendered or not, needs the love and support
of their family. They need that grounding. Those people with whom they
feel a special connection to. Luckily I do have these kinds of people
in my life. I hope that one day my mom, my brothers, and even my dad
will know the real me, but until them I have people that I care for,
and they care for me. That’s family.
One Year On
So it’s been awhile since I contributed any of my thoughts to the site, and I thought that it was about time that I did. Why? Well because it is just over a year since I first walked into the Boudoir and met Jodie, and this has had a profound effect on my life.
I think that there are many different kinds of t girls. A lot of girls do what they do for very different reasons. However one thing that I think is almost universal for us, is the sense of isolation. That there cannot possibly be anyone like us, and that our feelings and experiences are unique to us, and us alone. It is this sense of isolation can be the cause of much stress and certainly was for me.
Of course the reality is that there are many, many girls out there, and that many of them share similar if not precisely the same, experiences, feelings, and thoughts. To know that there are people who not only share and / or understand your feelings, but accept you for who you are can be incredibly liberating, and really help in getting rid of that sense of loneliness. The internet can be a real help in supporting those girls (or indeed female to male tgs).
The many egroups and websites, both personal and resource based, are a mine of information and support. It is heart warming when a girl posts to a group in need of help or advice, and gets several posts back offering just that. However, as great as all this is, and believe me I can testify from personal experience that it is, there is nothing like actual personal contact. People can pretend to be, anyone over the net. That is both its’ strength and its’ weakness. There is the privacy that ensures that you are unlikely to be ‘discovered’, but that also plays both ways. There is no guarantee that the person that you are chatting with, either by email or other means, is who that they say that they are. Of course that doesn’t mean that everyone is deceiving everyone else, but it does mean that you have to be careful.
I have made so many good friends over the internet. Friends who have offered a lot of love and support, and expected nothing in return. However I have yet to meet some of them, and I think that this means that I may be missing out on something. One prime example of this is Siobhan Redmond. Some of you reading this may know her, or visited her website Been There Seen It Done It . She has been an amazing friend to me, and I so enjoyed our chats, and the various emails that we exchange from time to time. But meeting her was so much more personal and made me feel much more of a friendship with her. I won’t go into details, as they are described in Emma's Adventures - June 13th 2002 . Suffice to say that you don’t really appreciate someone until you have met him or her. Siobhan is just an amazing person. So beautiful, and positive, and such a joy to spend time with. Meeting Siobhan would not have been possible without Jodie and the Boudoir . Okay remember this, because it will be important later, okay?
One of the other things that I have inferred from reading the various egroup postings is a lot of girls, particularly those who have yet to venture out, lack confidence. Again making actual personal contact with someone can make a huge difference to this. Anyone who knows me, will know that I am quite a shy girl. Well this is nothing compared to what I was a year ago. It wasn’t so much a case of me not saying boo to a goose. It was more like the goose saying boo to me, taking me out the back and beating me up.
How I ever got to the Boudoir for that first appointment I will never know. Thinking about it now it still amazes me. It really was due to a lot of encouragement from certain people, and reaching one of those crossroads that we all come to in life ( and I don’t mean the cheesy soap! ). If you want to read about that amazing day then pop on over to Emma's Adventures - April 26th 2002 . Since that day in April last year so much has happened. I have been to the Boudoir two more times, and yes I have been out clubbing to Trans-Mission, and more things are planned for 2003. If you had said to me a year ago that I would have done any of these things I would have laughed at you. In my mind it simply wasn’t possible. For a start I had no confidence, and secondly I was far too shy, too fearful of rejection and being laughed at, to ever risk meeting people. If it had not been for the good friends that I have made over the internet, and of course Jodie and the Boudoir, I would more than likely still be sitting in my room, getting stressed and depressed at how I wish things could be.
Okay now remember that I told you to remember the comment about Jodie making the meeting with Siobhan possible? Or did you forget to remember that I told you to remember?!! Well for me walking into the Boudoir one year ago was a pivotal moment in my life. If I had not done that. If I had not walked through that door, I would have missed out on so much. I would not have met truly wonderful people. I would not have made some amazing friends. I think that I would be a much less confident and happy person. Seeing Jodie for the first time was a big step for me, then another big step meeting Siobhan, and still yet another going out clubbing. There are more to come, and I hope that I can take them, but I know this that the ones that I have already taken would not have been possible if it had not been for Jodie and Mr. Spike Sparkles.
We are all faced with times in our lives that force us to make decisions. Those pivotal moments. Well for me meeting Jodie ( and Spike of course! ) was probably the biggest moment of my life so far. I have always had a feminine soul, but it was Jodie that in a way freed it. Through knowing her, and many other good friends I have found a way to express how I really feel. I have become a more confident and happy person in every aspect of my life. Of course there is still some way to go, but at least I have a made a start thanks to some wonderful people.
With sharing ourselves with people, or venturing outside, there is always the possibility of rejection or ridicule. Is that reason not to take a chance? Well maybe, I think we all need to be careful, but one thing I know as I face other decisions that I need to make so that my life progresses, is this: I am lucky to know some truly wonderful friends. They have really affected my life in a very positive way. I hope that if any of you are faced with tricky choices, that you will have the courage to take a chance. You have so much to gain by doing so.
Okay I Admit It I Am A Transsexual!!
Well yet again it has been, shall we say awhile since I updated this site at all, let alone my thoughts section! Does that mean that I don't think allot? Well it's a New Year as I write this, and whilst in the mood of reflection and looking ahead at what may happen in 2006 I thought that I would take the plunge and start writing again! So the title says it all really doesn't it? Okay hands up who knows the difference between being a transsexual and being transgendered? You do? Oh good could you tell me then? LOL!
Seriously though I have always known that I am a transsexual. That is having the feelings, thoughts, and psychological profile of a woman, but the physical body of a man. For me it has never been about dressing for thrills, or for fun. It has never been about putting on a persona for a few hours. It has been about expressing my true self, and aligning my mind with my body. I am 'Emma' 24/7. Regardless of how I am dressed, or who I am with. For the majority of my life I have had to keep myself hidden. To put on a mask for my family and society, and it is only when I am with friends like Jodie Lynn, the Boudoir girls, and those that I have met at Transmission and other days and nights out that I can take off that mask, that I can relax. That I can stop pretending and finally be myself.
Well more on being a transsexual later (yipee I cry you all cry as you rush for the exit), but for the moment I want to explain why up until now I have used the term 'transgendered' as opposed to 'transsexual'. Okay okay don't fall asleep quite yet! I have never seen myself as anything but a transsexual, but even within the tg community there is heated debate about transsexuals, transvestites, cross dressers (and I guess happy dresser), and transgendered. The thing is, is that each term can mean a different thing to each person. You know what that is okay! In a world where there is so much hostility and misunderstanding towards transgendered people I am constantly surprised that we spend so much time beating each other up about labels. Surely it is about identity more than anything else?
Ah yes but there's the rub as old Bill Shakespeare said. Each person has his or her own identity, and each term will mean something different to that person. For instance to me a transvestite and a cross dresser are one and the same. Someone who dressed in the clothes of the opposite sex for satisfaction. A transsexual is someone who is of one gender but with the body of the opposite gender. However to many other I am completely misguided and wrong. To them these terms can mean totally different things. Well that's fine. No problem I hear you cry, yes you at the back! So why oh why are countless web groups and chatrooms taken up by discussions about what each term means? I don't have an answer to this. Maybe it's about each person trying to find who they are, and where they fit in with the community. I have a suspicion that this might be the case, but then again does it matter? Surely what really matters is that we know who we are, and are happy with who we are, not what other people think.
Ah yes but it is never that simple. As I have found out, what we do, and how we live our lives has an impact on all those we know. It can be positive, or negative, but it will always affect them. So should this stop us living our lives as we want to? In an ideal world of course not. However I do worry about my family. I mean we have never been close. Apart from my mom that is. If I told my dad he would not have the faintest idea what I was telling him. His whole life has been one of academia and if it doesn't involve Russian history he wouldn't really know anything about it. If I told my brothers they would I think just laugh at it. They spent most of my childhood picking on me, and although we get on quite well now, there is no real closeness there. As for my mom. She is a wonderful person, very caring, but her views on these sort of things are somewhat antiquated. So do I have a right to disrupted her life with something like this? Do I have a right to start her worrying about all these things? That's what stops me. Or rather that is what has stopped me so far.
Why Emma whatever do you mean? I hear you scream at your computer screen. Because in the end it boils down to this. How can we expect others to truly love us unless they truly know us? How can we expect love if we do not love ourselves? The answer is that we cannot. Maybe it's being selfish, but what I have come to realise is that my family must know about the real me, if not for their benefit then for mine. Maybe that is being selfish and only thinking about myself, and I admit I still struggle with this, but in the end we must be true to ourselves. If we are to live and help others we must first know who we are.
O anyway I digress. Where was I? Ah yes. Why I haven't used the term transsexual before. Well I think I have covered the family aspect, but back to why I have not used the term here. I have many friends in the transgendered community. Some are transvestites who see it as a hobby. Some are transsexuals whose ultimate goal is gender reassignment surgery (as is mine), and some lie in between these two 'ends' of the spectrum. So remembering the last little bit I wrote about 3 paragraphs ago can you guess why? Well the simple answer is that I have not wanted to offend, or risk losing those who have a different view as to what each 'label' means, and who dress or live their life for a different reason than mine. And that leads me on the another interesting little point.
Okay don't get too excited for those of you who are still reading this. It's really not that exciting......honest. One of the big arguments that I have seen in the world that is transgendered is an argument that seems to have been going since I can remember. Yep bigger than Star Wars, more violent than a Tarrantino movie, it's the fight of the century..... Transsexuals versus Transvestites. I can't quite believe it but I have lost count the amount of times I have seen transsexuals proclaim that they are better than transvestites because they are undergoing treatment, and transvestites are only 'playing at it'. I have also seen transvestites proclaim that they only do it for fun, and that transsexuals are freaks for mutilating their bodies. I think this is bonkers. Insane. Crazy. Round the bend. Totally mad. In short ; whaaaat??!!! I have seen similar arguments with those who do not used dressing services against those who do. My point is this each person, whatever they consider themselves to be, and however they try and fit in in the world needs to find their own way. Of course people can help (and it is so great when they do) and be there for that person, but in the end they have to do it their way. It does not make anyone superior, or freaks, or only 'playing at it'. It only means that they are different, and in a world of 6 billion people I think that there is room for more than one way to live life as a transsexual or transvestite.
So in an extremely round about way I have used the phrase 'transgendered' instead of 'transsexual' because I ; A) Did not want to offend them, and thus risk losing their friendship, and B) Thought that they would expect certain things and assume certain things from me using that term. Of course finally I have got into my dim little brain that if they misunderstand, then it is up to me to educate them, or at least explain to them what it means to me. So here I am on January 2nd 2006 saying "Okay I admit it!! I am a transsexual!!"
Admirers
Admirers. Ah yes. Well I suppose that it was inevitable that at some point I would get round to this. Don’t worry I will get round to slightly less obvious topics (or snickers) to cover, like err thermo nuclear fission (well okay maybe not that one), but for the moment let me have a stab at this subject.
Now this is not going to be a thought where I tell you what an admirer is, and what it is that all admirers want. I mean for a start I cannot tell you for certain. Although I have had a few emails from male admirers, and more about that later, I have never met any, so don’t really feel qualified in saying anything definite about them. This going to be more a case of my thoughts on who I think they are, and what I think that they may want. Feel free to disagree with me, and even to let me know that you do, as long as you keep it polite, and understand that in no way do I claim that these ‘theories’ of mine are the only ones possible. They will be my own personal thoughts on the subject.
So let’s start off with the dictionary definition of an admirer - A person who admires; someone who esteems or respects or approves. That’s all well and good, and certainly true when it comes to admiring someone like Nelson Mandela or Zippy from Rainbow, but is this really what admirers of t-girls are like? Hmm not in my experience. I guess that to be fair we have to split admirers into two groups; women and men.
I have met female admirers in a social context (i.e. on a night out!), when they have been the girlfriend / wife of a t-girl, and I must point out here that I mean the literal dictionary definition of an admirer, not an accepting partner, although that in itself is fantastic. They have always been very friendly, and treated myself and the other t-girls as one of the gang, and completely accepting. I have never asked them what it is that makes them and admirer. Is it having the best of both worlds, a boyfriend to experience the usual things and events in a male / female relationship, and a girlfriend with whom they can share everything and be intimate with in a different way? Or is it that they are lesbians in someway and unable to cope with it or accept it, and having a ‘man who is a woman’ is a way for them to do that? I don’t know. It may be both, or it may be neither, but regardless of this I have always found that interacting with them has been nothing but pleasant.
So the male admirers. I guess that this is the ‘admirer’ that springs to mind for most people. As I’ve said previously I make no claims of expertise or certainty, but merely offer theories (you know I have got to make this sound slightly less boring!).
The only experience I have had with male admirers have been by email, chat rooms, or messages left in my 360 profile. Now they tend to start off one of four ways.
Number one - the guy who just sends you a message- “ You are hot. I would love to get to know you. Email me / send me pics.” And an email address or sometimes a link to a completely blank profile. Number two – the guy who sends you a photo of himself (or parts of him) naked, sometimes with a short message, like “contact me” or something similar. Number three – the guy who starts off with a pleasant email. It doesn’t go into too much detail, but they seem genuine enough, so you write back to them. They then resort to guy number two, and again send you a naked picture of themselves or their body parts. Number four – the guy who is pleasant enough but asks you what you are wearing and when you refuse to tell them seems to loose interest (not that that is any loss!).
Now these are obviously sweeping generalisations, and there are probably those of you who will point out other sort of male admirers, but these are the ones that I have had experience with. So the common theme that I have discovered is that ultimately, at least for the male admirer, it is all about sex, not loving respecting or esteeming anyone! Guy number one is obvious and lazy. I mean they can’t even be bothered to try and fool you. Guy number two is a little bit more internet savvy. They feel that you must have a profile or some such thing, but don’t want to devolve any details about themselves lest they are caught out by people they know. Guy number three at least tries to persuade you that he is interested in ‘knowing’ you, but once he feels he has reeled you in then feels that he does not have to make any further effort. Guy number four dresses in female clothes, he does it privately and has never been out. He is using you to release some of the pent up emotions and frustrations.
Now I truly do not judge these ‘admirers’ at all, but it seems to me that they make assumptions about what it is to be a t-girl; that it is done for sexual reasons, and that all of us are willing to sleep with anything that breathes. Of course there are some girls for which this is true. They get a sexual kick from dressing. Now once again I truly make no judgement on them, but find it frustrating that this seems to be assumed about me. Now I don’t think that this makes them nasty or evil or anything like that, but what has this attitude got to do with ‘admiring’ anyone? Doesn’t admiring someone got something to do with respecting them, or understanding them, or at least wanting to, the very basis of any good relationship!!
Now that brings me to another thought, and this isn’t so much a positive or negative one, more an observation. Why would a supposedly heterosexual man want a relationship with a t-girl? Now of course for most men who are gay or bisexual, and want a tv or non-op ts girlfriend this isn’t a problem, but surely a truly heterosexual man would want a genetic girl who is able to err well you know what I mean. What straight man would want to go out with a tv or non-op ts, or wait for a ts girl to have srs, and if he would, why? Some say they admire their femininity or that they make the effort with their looks, this may or may not be true, I find it difficult to believe that it is, but am willing to accept that I may well be wrong. However what about those of us that aren’t blessed with Angelina Jolie looks? I don’t have the answers, much like I don’t have the answers as to why a female admirer would want to be with a t-girl, be they tv or ts. Maybe you might have.
Of course there are those male admirers who are openly gay and who do not have a problem with dating a transgendered person, but I think that, much like my argument with female admirers, they are some that use the fact that they have a ‘girl who is a guy’ as their way of coping with being gay, without having to admit it to themselves. I am not saying that there is anything wrong with this, but surely before anyone can be in any sort of fulfilling relationship they need to be honest with themselves first?
Well you will be pleased to hear that I have come to the end of this ‘thought’. I would be interested to know to know your views, and hope that for anyone reading this they have found it mildly interesting, and not been offended by anything I’ve written.
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