Jones "the box", the local funeral director and his trusted assistant were called to a remote Welsh hill farm in the depths of a bad winter to collect the body of Evan, the deceased farmer.

Failing to break through the snow drifts on the lower slopes, Jones, fueled by a sense of duty, instructed his aide to unload the coffin.

Attaching ropes to the handles, together they pushed on through the worsening weather, towing the coffin behind.

At the farm they placed the defunct Evan in the coffin and set off to haul him back to the vehicle.

Disaster struck when Jones lost his footing on the wind blown hill side and fell backward onto the coffin lid.

Evan, in the box and Jones on top, set off at great speed down the hill, pursued frantically by the assistant.

Together, the three arrived at the outer wall of the village pub with a resounding thud.

"Well" said Jones, a pragmatist at the best of times, brushing himself down and looking not a little shaken,

"If Evan is so determined to call in for a last pint, who are we to disagree then?"

And there they stayed...until the storm subsided.

Jones "the box" inside and Evan, outside, in his box.

John and Patrick were passing through the cemetery when Patrick paused to read a particularly ornate headstone.

"It says here", he read aloud, "here lies an honest man and a lawyer." Turning to John with a puzzled expression, Patrick asked,

"Now why would they bury two men together like that?"

Her husband, having passed away, Alice, ever a thrifty Scot, called on the local carpenter and arranged to have a coffin made up from old packing cases.

She next visited the draper, MacDougal, and asked for a length of material, suitable for sewing into a shroud.

When the gentleman stated his price, Alice threw up her hands in horror.

"Why, I can buy a similar cloth down the road for half that amount" she said.

"Och, aye, that you can" replied MacDougal, "But the stuff is so poor quality that it'll wear through at the knees within a week............"

The older brother, having left the farm many years ago had become a huge success in the city. He was dismayed when he received a letter from his long forgotten younger brother, informing him of the death of their father.

Racked by guilt and just a little grief, he told his brother that he would cover all funeral costs, to get the best of everything and that all bills were to be sent to him for payment.

His instructions were carried out and he later got a very large bill from the funeral director which he duly paid.

The next month he got a further account which he also paid, thinking it was for extra items.

When this happened again the next month, he paid but made a note to check on it.

The arrival of a third account proved the last straw and he telephoned his brother to find out what was going on.

"Well," said his sibling, "When you told me to get the best for Daddy I did, I went right out and hired him a tux.............."

The keen golfer, never known to have missed a match, paused as a funeral cortege drove past the green. He removed his cap and stood solemnly until it was out of sight before taking his shot. His partner was really impressed and exclaimed.

"Why I think that was a wonderful gesture of respect that you just showed."

"Yes, well" said the golfer with a smile, "She was always a good wife to me......... "

An Argentine woman suffered a nervous breakdown at the funeral of her son.

When a man was killed accidentally by a pistol he was holding, his mother erroneously identified the corpse in the local morgue.

When her son later 'phoned to tell her he was alive, she thought it was someone playing a sick joke.

So he came to the funeral.......

The brash and successful young businessman returned to his small hometown for a family funeral. Rapidly bored with family gossip he wandered off and eventually found himself at the town cemetery.

Working in the bottom of a new grave was the ancient town grave digger.

"Hey!" called the young man, "Is that you Tom?"

Pausing in his labours to peer up at the fresh young face above, the old man wiped the sweat from his brow before responding.

"Ayup, surely is"

"Amazing" muttered the youngster to himself, "How old are you anyway, Tom?"

Unperturbed by the rude arrogance of the youth, old Tom pondered the question before squinting up to the daylight again.

"Oh must be all of seventy-five by now, ayup" he said happily.

Turning on his heel and striding off the businessman threw back over his shoulder,

"Hardly seems worth your while climbing back out of that one then does it?"

I want to die the same way my grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep. Not like his passengers, screaming and shouting to the end.....

Elmer McCurdy, drifter, cowboy and part-time badman arrived in Cuthrie, Oklahoma in the late 1900s. Born in Maine, Elmer had wandered from one job to another and one bungled crime after another.

When attempting to rob a bank safe, Elmer used so much nitro' that the silver bullion inside was blasted into one useless lump

He did succeed in robbing a train. But it was the wrong one, at the wrong time and on the wrong track! Elmer got away with a few dollars and a considerable quantity of whisky. Which he drank.

The sheriff and his posse caught up with Elmer at his employer's farm and his boss went in to the barn to talk the tipsy bandit out. Strangely, he took in a jug of whisky and shared it with Elmer.

Well, after a while the, by now, thoroughly soused bandit sent his boss out to tell the sheriff that he was coming out fighting (Is it any wonder?).

The resulting barrage was heard from far away as Elmer was violently taken from this mortal coil and yet another outlaw was "brought to justice".

The defunct Elmer was taken to the town undertaker who did right by the body - embalming him and placing him on display, fully clothed, in a corner of his office to await collection.

As time went by and no relatives claimed Elmer, he became something of a minor celebrity. Local children would occasionally strap skates on the deceased and whisk him up and down the highway - making him something of a street entertainer!

A few years later and some "relatives" arrived to collect the long lost corpse. Unfortunately for poor Elmer these gentlemen turned out to be from some sort of carnival and had definite new career ideas for the Oklahoma outlaw.

As the years rolled by the mummified remains of the badman from Maine were displayed as a cautionary sign of the effects of drink, heroin, opium, lust and probably a few other sinful pleasures as well.

Elmer appeared in posters, advertisements, stage productions and even managed a little film work on the side.

The cadaverous career was brought to an end when Elmer was discovered hanging by the neck and covered in luminous paint in a tunnel of love (!) during a break in filming an episode of a 70's tv show. The ensuing panic resulted in a full autopsy and the final identification of the corpse of Elmer McCurdy.

Elmer was found to have eaten a last meal, back in 1911, of beans, bacon and a large amount of whisky. Cause of death was assumed to have been as a direct result of the large number of bullet holes.

The poor bandit was returned to a cemetery in Oklahoma and interred with full "cowboy" ceremony. They also poured in a few feet of cement afterwards to ensure the wanderer drifted no more!

His tombstone reads:

"Elmer McCurdy, shot by sheriff's posse in Osage Hills on Oct. 7. 1911 returned to Cuthrie Oklahoma from Los Angeles County California for burial, Apr. 22. 1977"