 |
A Quiet Funeral Footsteps |
"I know death hath ten thousand several doors for men to take their exit." | ||
| Funeral What to do first Non religious services Save a fortune Before it happens Make it personal How to complain Details Of mice & men Snippets
|
The road to recovery is a
lengthy one but even the longest journey begins with a single step
Reverend John writes: If someone you love has died then this is for you:The human brain is a strange and wonderful thing. Amongst all its other functions it keeps a model of the world you live in. In a sense you live in that model. When something changes in the real world then if you are willing to come to terms with it you do so by updating your model. But it is a model in which the perspective is very definitely centered on you. You are the centre of it, and the people you love are the most important people in the world. You know how maps change according to the perspective used? - well imagine a map based on how important things are to you. That's what your model world is like. Whole continents will occupy tiny corners, whilst your home and family and friends may occupy half of it or more. So when one of them dies, a large proportion of your whole universe has changed. So the first reaction of the program that runs your brain is to refuse to change the universe simply because of one instruction to do so. If it were a computer program it would be asking for confirmation: So often when people are told of a death - the first reaction is a refusal to accept it. But somewhere inside you the truth is there - yes it is so. So your brain does what any good program would do - it backs up the old model and starts creating the new model. But then you have been using the old model for so long - you forget sometimes to start up the new model and try to keep using the old. I think this is the origin of a lot of nonsense about ghosts - I think most "ghosts" are the result of wrongly trying to use the old versions of your program. So often people say something like "I keep talking to them - and I feel they are with me" - or - "I was walking down the street and there he was coming towards me, only when I looked it wasn't him". For many days / weeks / months / or even years your brain will keep trying to reassert the old model - even though your conscious mind knows increasingly that the world has changed. Sometimes there is a problem because there is a lack of evidence. You might not have seen for yourself - you might not have been there at the death so you have only second hand evidence. Could it be that some conspiracy is cruelly deceiving you? - well you know that is not so - and yet you want evidence. The funeral can be a symbolic way of providing you with evidence. You need a focus for your grief - and this can be it. So funerals should not be designed to conceal the harsh truth - but rather to place it into a true perspective. A funeral in which no one cries may be a total failure. We need to cry! Bring children to funerals - they need to cry - and other people's grief takes us out of ourselves. That terrible moment when you look down at the coffin in the grave, or watch the coffin moving away in the crematorium, has an important function for you - it is a necessary moment in the process into which this death has plunged you. It provides you with the final confirmation that your mind needs to start building the new model of the universe into which you are now entering. Your model of the universe is now seriously damaged. How can you go on living in it? But there is healing. You have built in powers of healing, only you have to let them work - and you can find healing through those who care for you, only you have to let them help you - and if you have a trust in God - then you can find healing in him - only you have to let it happen. The healing will not be to restore what has been lost. That is not a possibility. If we lose a limb it does not grow again, but the wound can heal, and we can learn to live with the new reality. When someone is seriously injured the brain often cuts off a great deal of the pain - and if you talk to a road accident victim, you might find that what concerns them is who is going to feed the cat - rather than the reality of their injuries. So sometimes the problem for mourners is that there seems to be an almost total detachment from reality. And then a few days or weeks down the line, you begin to feel better - and suddenly you feel worse - you rationalise that as guilt - how can you be feeling better when the person you love has died? Your brain has allowed in a little more reality for you to cope with. So the graph of mourning has you bumping along the bottom, slowly healing, and then suddenly plunged back into grief. That is normal and natural. Eventually the time will come when the healing process will work through and you will come out of it. But give it time - and let it work. Many people, professionals and others can help you through this. Why not talk to your local priest or minister? He will probably have a great deal of experience in helping people in your situation. Donated by the Rev. John Eade |
Links
The disclaimer bit Persons acting upon information gained from these pages or personal contact do so at their own risk. No responsibility is accepted for the accuracy of any information contained herein. |
