Furbabies
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Rules Of The House

A List Of Do's And Don'ts For Cats Who Have A Household To Run

1. Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door open, stand on your hind legs and scratch with your forepaws. Once the door is open it isn't necessary to use it - you can change your mind.

2. When you have ordered an outer door opened, stand half in and half out, think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather or mosquito or flea season.

3. Avoid swinging doors, especially the dog's.

About Guests

1. After dinner, when you walk on the dinner table among the dishes, be sure to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The point is to convey the idea, "But you let me do it when there isn't any company."

2. For sitting in laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select fabric colours that attractively contrast with your own. Dark furred cats should select a good white. Light furred cats should select any rich black and the in between colours may alternate between whites and darks, whichever contrasts best.

3. Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It isn't necessary to do anything but sit and stare.

4. For guests who say "I love kitties" be ready with: aloof disdain, claws applied to limbs and a quick, sharp nip at the chin, nose or best tender area available.

About Your Humans

Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the table. Never drink from your own bowl if a human has a glass full enough from which you can drink. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. This way, you cannot be seen and, therefore, stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up and soothed. If one of your humans is sewing or working with paper and pen, and another is idle, stay with the busy one.

Hampering

1. Get in close under the chin of book readers. (Unless of course, you can lay across the book itself)

2. Curl up quietly in the laps of those who knit, and pretend to doze. Then reach out and slap the knitting needles sharply. This causes what is called a "dropped stitch." The knitter may try to distract you with a ball of yarn, which is ridiculous. Ignore it.

3. For paying bills (a monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (only annual activities), keep in mind your aim is to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When you are relocated, watch sadly from the side of the table. When the activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils and eraser off the table, one at a time.

4. Get enough sleep in the daytime so that you are fresh for playing chase-the-mouse, king-of-the-hill on the bed, and road-racing from room to room between one and five am.

5. If you become bored with your diet, immediately after food is placed in your dish, try to cover it with the newspaper under your bowl. Sometimes this can even result in your fresh bowl of water being tipped over. If not, tip it over yourself.

6. If you start training your people early, you will have a smoothly running household. Humans need to be taught a few basic rules that are not too difficult to master.

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