Still no timetables! (The cry has changed from 'still no visa'!) There's always something...

We went into town this lunchtime, got a sandwich at Fleury Michon... how much longer am I going to last eating all this cheese at lunchtime... not much longer I think... and just sat there on the corner of the Old Town Square and looking down the main street, the sun was out, the sky bright blue, and all the buildings down that street just looked so wonderful, beautiful, special... I love this town. As much as anyone can that has only been here a few days. It feels a lot like Brno, except much prettier, and even though Torun's meant to be a much smaller place, it feels just as busy as Brno ever did. The town centre is about the same size, too. But so much prettier, and still with a very lived-in feel, for all that. The whole atmosphere of the town is bright and cheerful and happy. People smile. It seems on the outside to be much more modern than the Czech Republic. Well, not much more modern, but prehaps more Western. Whether tha''s a good or a bad thing I don't know.

So here we are all in the computer room again, ostensibly searching the web for possible resources, but really just waiting for timetables and messing about doing a whole lot of nothing. I'm so tired But happy tired. I've hardly had time to think about anything much, though I am starting to panic, panic, panic about teaching. PANIC!

* posted by nat 1:50 PM

Tuesday, September 25, 2001

I'm in Torun! The journey after all that was uneventful, and I was picked up by Romek and Gosia off the bus, whisked into my flat, whereupon I was whisked straight into town - and oh, it's so wonderful and quiet and atmospheric all lit up at night - and into a pizza place where all the other teachers were, and met everyone, all in a blur, too big a pizza and a few beers... and now it's Tuesday already, and I'm still only just beginning to find my feet.

But anyway, I'm supposed to be looking at Teaching resources on the net, and I've been spending all afternoon sending e-mails to my friends (and getting them back quickly as well, which just makes me smile and feel loved!), catching up with Sluggy, and just trying to catch a small amount of catch-up sleep. I'm tired, tired, tired. So more later.

* posted by nat 4:21 PM

Sunday, September 23, 2001

Gah! Blogger ate my last post! - Not that it was long, or even particularly meaningful, anyway. I'm packed, all except for my little blue bag of sewing and other important tricks, which seems to have grown legs and fled the planet, and while my room's not cleared, at least everything's all stuffed in drawers: out of sight out of mind...

Butterflies in the stomach, and only a few hours to go now. Oh my...

* posted by nat 2:28 AM

Friday, September 21, 2001

Getting into London felt like getting home again, especially jumping into the Piccadilly Line carriage at King's Cross with Vanessa and Sarah. Ness and I got out to order a Balti. ("I'm going to pig out!" - "I think I'm going to order two side dishes!" - "That's what I meant by 'pig out'!") which came to �12.10, so we got a free side dish as well, and got it delivered... "And it is far... maybe it will get there before you do!" - "Can we get a lift, then?" - "Yes, but that is not free!"

V took the bus and I went via Radojka's and finally got rid of her thesis, we grinning and talked random pleasantries at each other for a few minutes, and then I wandered up to V's place and got these just a few minutes before the food did - and then we pigged out! It was a very wierd feeling, to spend the entire evening vegging in front of the telly, and I did get the urge to go and find a computer, time and time again. It was fun sitting there with everyone talking and laughing, but TV is just... boring.

I got to the embassy, via a divine coffee at EAT, at about 9:15am - 4th in the queue! There were about 20 people there by just before 10. A woman came past and said "Excuse me, why are you waiting here?" The man behind in the queue looked at her and said "To get a visa." "But you don't need a visa for Poland," she said. "We do to work there." "Oh." And she walked off again. Which left the two of us staring after her, and gaver us a topic to strike up conversation with. Once inside the embassy, things got even more exciting, as the man in front of us had a New Zealand Passport, and residency in Manila, and was trying to get a Polish work visa on the grounds that "the American Embassy in Warsaw gave me this dispensation." "Nothing to do with us," replied the girl behind the counter, quite unflappable, given that he was shouting at her by this point. "You have been given the wrong information. Go to Manila." He stood aside eventually to let the rest of us hand our forms in (by this point I was in a blind panic there was going to be a problem with mine, but there wasn't) and I left to the tune of him carrying on about "Who's going to reimburse me for my flight then?" "Well, not the Polish Embassy..."

I hid in Borders and read manga, panicked briefly about not having left my passport to the tender mercies of the Visa section, and then walked down Regent Street and met James for lunch. First thing he said was, "I've got something to tell you - I've got a girlfriend now..." And I thought: hurrah, perfect, closure on everything! And it was nice just to sit there and chat and just feel like, yes, I've got my loose ends tied up now, more or less. I't all balck and white, I'm sorted out, I can cut myself free and sail off into the sunset. Or at least fly to Poland with my head screwed on the right way around. I spent the whole afternoon vegging out on the sofa with Kat, all either of us were fit for, and all we needed, then got back to meet a late Vanessa and Sarah to have dinner and a beer in Wetherspoons.

Today was simple: pick up visa (We'll give it you back if you give us �70...), pick up ticket (check in time is 2&1/2 hours before take-off!) Take the train home, meet El for lunch, buy the Rough Guide to Poland, buy Calcium tablets, and come home to veg out a bit. I'm preparing myself for a final assault with black bin liners, before I go about decanting whatever I can into The New Suitcase. Slightly scary. Not too bad, but still slightly scary.

* posted by nat 5:18 PM

Wednesday, September 19, 2001

Two cans of coke and I can feel my teeth dissolving. I'd better stop that sharpish! I have the urge to eat sugary stuff, but I mustn't. Not now. I can't get into more dental trouble.

Anyway. The work permit is finally here! Yay! I woke up at 6am this morning when dad left for Manchester, so I got up and online and RPed... and talked about the whole Poland thing to a couple more people. I crashed out again around 8am and got woken up by the DHL guy around 10:30ish. Then I got through to the embassy - London - who say they'll do it in 24 hours. Hurrah! So I am off in a couple of hours. I'm annoyed I think I'm going to miss seeing El again, though, unless there's some way I can catch her on friday. Maybe I can make it back from Birmingham and we can have a late lunch. I'm glad I went round to see her last night, not that we did anything special, just lie around in bed, watch TV, drink tea and giggle. But that is what we normally do.

I am so looking forward to getting down to London again. Life here has no purpose. What once was home is now a holding station. I am throwing things away like there is no tomorrow. And I'm weary, from lack of sleep, or lack of good sleep. I know I'm up till far too late and don't know what hour of the day it is, ever, but that's more of a mental thing. I keep dreaming, and sleep is not a good thing when I dream. And plus, on the London front, Vanessa has suggested getting a cuzza. What more does a girl need but her friends and food from the ever-super-tasty Balti Hut? I shall snooze on the train and feel fulfilled.

* posted by nat 3:26 PM

Tuesday, September 18, 2001

You know that MCiOS is down when you get...

500 Catastrophic End of the World Error

Giant ants are walking the Earth, laying waste to all before them. Please bear with us.

* posted by nat 6:06 PM

Around Monday lunchtime I decided I had to do something. So I picked up the phone and dialled Torun. I got a wonderfully comforting message in Polish-blather, and then a breezy little secretary who was very chatty and said she'd get Robert to call me back. The conversation went at cross-purposes for a while until we managed to establish that no, I didn't have a visa, no, I didn't have a flight and no, I didn't even have the work permit, at which point I sould sense intense slavic brooding at the other end of the phone and launched into my apologetic mode. It turns out that the work permit has probably been sent to the Pike. Argh! "These things happen," he told me, but yes, and they always happen to me! Argh!

Anyway, father then refused to come home in the evening, so we didn't go shopping, and given my arm was stiff as anything and hurting like hell, I refused to do anything all day except some very slow one-handed typing - I curled up and read a lot of The Amber Spyglass in the company of a bottle of whisky and some cans of coke. And then later on I got online and generated into some wonderful RP, well, I enjoyed it, anyway, but I doubt it was wonderful given my inebriated state! I fell into bed sometime after 4am - and the phone went just before 9! He said "Sorry, did I wake you?" And I said, all fake-cheerfulness "No, no!" I must do something about my sleeping habits... I went back to bed after that and slept through till midday. Ah. Much better.

So I've had two calls from Poland today. The first to confirm my work permit is in the post again and the second to give me my flight details, so here I am, flying on Sunday morning from Heathrow! I just have to cross my fingers and hope I can tease my visa out of the embassy before Friday. I'm panicked I might have to go to Edinburgh. I don't want to have to go there; I'd rather go to London as I want to see everyone one last time.

Julie has got a website! Woo! I must do some more work on mine. Dear dear. No time now! I'm such a timewaster. I'm going to go and make lentil soup instead. Which is known as gloop, due to it's consistency. Anyway, it is the easiest recipe in the whole wide word. I love the Covent Garden Soup Company.

* posted by nat 5:51 PM

Monday, September 17, 2001

Thought for the moment:

Maybe sometimes we don't do the right thing because the wrong thing looks more dangerous, and we don't want to look scared, so we go and do the wrong thing just because it's dangerous. We're more concerned with not looking scared than with judging right.

- Will in The Amber Spyglass, by Philip Pullman.

READ THIS: An Afghan-American speaks...

* posted by nat 12:50 AM

Saturday, September 15, 2001

I went up to London today and there was Rosie at the tube station, looking absolutely lovely despite only having got off the flight from Almaty this morning. Giles was with her, and everyone else congregated from all directions - 6 Pikers off for lunch! We walked up the road a bit till we found an exciting-looking cafe place and had a really nice lunch and an even longer natter. It's amazing how much I've just missed everyone with being away from London for a couple of weeks, and having Rosie back just completed the set, everything felt right again, it was as if we were sat there in a small little bubble at the back of this cafe, eating Italian and chatting away as if there'd never been a break since March. And how things have changed since March... yet for a moment it all felt like we were just all going to march off down the road and home again. Except we don't live together any more (we never all did, all at once, it being a house for 5.) There's 6 different places for us all to fit in. That takes some getting used to.

Jess flies to Moscow on Tuesday. We really are growing up, it's starting now! (Or will for me as soon as this dratted Visa comes.) I reiterate: I need to escape, I need to go away, I need to start living again. I can't wait to do my living, because now I'm all too painfully aware that anyone could extinguish my life in an instant, and there's nothing I can even do or know about it. And whether we're on the slippery slope to some awful annihilation or whether we'll manage to slide off it somehow, until that moment I've got to Carpe Diem, because there's no other way to be.

* posted by nat 10:16 PM

Driven, driving, driving... ow, I hurt. I drove from S'bridge into Birmingham and all of a sudden discovered the Clio had a 5th gear. 5th gear?! Given I was creeping closer to 50mph and the engine wasn't sounding too happy I decided to try it, missed it totally, and all of a sudden the car behind me that had been way back down the road was right up on my bumper. Err. Oops. And then I found it, only to get to the roundabout and discover, horror of horrors, I can't find any gear to shift down to. Add that to a complete mess up at fiveways roundabout and I was more than ready to pass over the car to Dad when I picked him up out of the office. He drove as far as the A14 and then I did the last 3/4 of an hour to the Sinclairs. And really, I'd had enough by then. My hand had swollen up and was killing like heck. Except I knew Dad would drink. Yeah, 2 pints of beer and then 2 glasses of wine over dinner (pheasant, I only had a little bit but it was so tasty! Yum!) and fine, he thinks he's fine to drive? Great. I survived on orange juice and smeared a load of Feldene all over my hand before I drove off again. And Dad looked all surprised and asked "Is it hurting?"

No, I just do that for the fun of it. Ow, Ow, Ow.

I managed to drive mainly one-handed as far as the A1 and then I had to give up, but at least I went another 45 minutes after which Dad was noticably more sober, so I let him back into the driving seat. I'm in pain, I'm typing completely one-handed, my hand is completely swollen up, and I'm so, so cross. If we hadn't got in after midnight I would've phoned mum to moan. Either way, I'm not going to do any of the driving on sunday. Unless he decides to stop off at a pub for a pint halfway. There's just no talking to him. I'd rather have myself in the driving seat, handicapped as I am with my arm all seized-up like this, than have him there throwing the car round corners with complete disregard for the speed limit because he's had a couple of pints. I feel safer like that. Me, who doesn't even have full control of the thing I drive even at about 50mph. And that's why I drive slow.

Grumble. But oh, I do feel so much better for venting.

* posted by nat 1:26 AM

Thursday, September 13, 2001

Pictures from someone who was there. Does it say something about our society that everyone runs for their camera and camcorder, in order to record these horrific events? I suppose it puts you at one more remove from it, gives you something to focus on...

This is all too neat. On Tuesday the FBI was pretty much caught on the hop, awful as it sounds to say it. And now all of a sudden we have names? A glut of information?! I suppose these people weren't trying to hide themselves, what does it matter when you'll have kamikazed a whole plane into oblivion, leavng your flight manuals behind. But in which case, why not a note saying, "Woohoo!" as well? So the louder these people shout the facts they have 'found', it'll make it easier to retaliate, I suppose. And the whole of the rest of the world is getting scared into submission. So they sat on Pakistan. "Hi, we're considering bombing your neighbour, don't you dare refuse us anything we want from you." Were these people counting on the US retaliating so quickly, without thinking? I don't like Dubya, but at least he hasn't done anything yet. That's almost as bad as him not doing anything at all, but at least if he does nothing, he can't do anything stupid. But the alarm bells still continue to go off. I think some people are portending doom far too easily, but we're right to be scared. What price democracy? Our Governments can still take us to war and get us all killed.

I went to see A Knight's Tale today. Heath Ledger. Drooooooool! It was total cheese, but a lot of fun. I needed it. It has made me feel a little better. That and throwing away half of the top cupboards today. It is much easier to throw things away when mother is not here. Dad and I just play 'fill the bin bag'. It's not like I'm likely to ever notice. I can't fit one tenth of my stuff in a suitcase as it is.

I want to go, I want to go, I want my Visa, I know I have to wait but I just can't any more. I'm scared this job might fall through if I don't get away. And yet I dither over whether to phone or not. But they could be phoning me, if they needed to. Once again I curse that woman in London! It's all going so slowly, and most of it is her fault. Grr. Officials and official stuff. Red tape sucks. I want to go, the UK is suffocating me.

On a footnote, Dad's copy of his Civil Engineerng monthly magazine arrived today... with 4 pages on the WTC, including the 4x pic that I've got below. Incredible for a monthly mag, really.

* posted by nat 10:30 PM

Wednesday, September 12, 2001

This is midnight - let no star
Delude us - dawn is very far.
This is the tempest long foretold,
Slow to make head, but swift to hold.

- Kipling

It's almost unbelievable, that I'm living through this. That this is even happening. It's so weird. And we get up, and life goes on, but things are not really the same any more. the world is looking to the US, to see what it is going to do next. And the world is rather scared. It's one thing to see the video, but when you see the still picture it's even more unbelievable.




E-mail from Jess; delayed, I think, but bright and chatty and 'oh my god I'm graduating tomorrow' and 'I have to go and get my Visa.' So I'll have to get down to London sometime at least. And think up other things to talk to Grandpa about at the weekend.

* posted by nat 1:12 PM

Tuesday, September 11, 2001

I went up to Birmingham. I had lunch with El. El understands. It was good.

And then I sat in Coffee Republic and texted James. And the response came back: "Have you heard about the World Trade Centre?"
I texted back "Eh? No." And he texted back. "You will."

So I went home. I thought it'd be another bomb. In fact, I have to say, just another bomb. It would have been minimal compared to this.

I turned on the TV and watched that first tower collapse live, right before my eyes. And I just screamed. I still want to be sick. It's unbelievable. I can't take it in. Even watching the footage time and time again. It's crazy.

What a silly question to ask, but it has to be asked: Why? What is the /point/?

You see the people in Palestine celebrating. People who had nothing to do with it, but who just hate the US so much. And you think: even though the US has got themselves to be so hated, an attack on this scale is simply... too horrific to even understand. But how do you seperate the ordinary people from the people who govern them? In a democracy, we're all one and the same.

I spoke to Kat on the phone. When's Rosie coming home from Kazakhstan? Saturday... please let it still be Saturday...

* posted by nat 8:21 PM

Monday, September 10, 2001

We threw out most of the contents of my end cupboard last night. Despite much pressuring, I've kept all the letters that were ever written to me. They need to be sorted, but there's some I can't get rid of; all the ones from school are neatly tidied and sorted, the rest are just piled up. About 6 shoeboxes of them. There's a huge envelopeful from my 5 months in Pribram. And then they start to dwindle. I'd like to suppose moving every year and just having less time what with us all growing up is what's caused things to get less, but in actual fact it's got a lot more to do with the Internet.

It is a lot to do with the fact that the Internet has made me lazy. I've made a lot of different friends. But just sitting there and looking at all those letters, I can't help but feel extremely guilty. And all the people who I promised to write to, but I never did. I still haven't written to Danijela. It's really no good. I'd say I'm losing touch with reality, but - isn't modern life, and the Internet, a reality?

Email from Mark. To answer, or not? Well, obviously to answer, but, how long to wait? And what to say, and what to offer? Part of me is sighing with relief, and the other part of me realises that nothing is going to change, that hasn't already done so, unless I put the brakes on. Hmm. It's too late to phone people, now. Not to ask their opinion, but just to talk to them. About something different, and non-virtual. I can't sleep right. I don't feel right. It's creeping up on me again and sending me mad.

* posted by nat 10:31 PM

Sunday, September 09, 2001

Chocolate. Chocolate. Chocolate. There has to be some chocolate left around here, right?

Not much of excitement, or even non-excitement, to import. My period finally turned up... only about 10 days late, when I was beginning to plan the Next Virgin Birth. Mother bought me breakfast in bed. I think I must have the best mother in the whole wide world!

* posted by nat 7:06 PM

Friday, September 07, 2001

Endgame over, break-up letter came. (due to said ratty little email which proclaimed itself exactly as that, so maybe he was looking for excuses too.) Either way this has at least been his decision, and given the circumstances I think it had to be his.

It doesn't help I was up all of last night - well, maybe it helps a little - RPing, though I'm quite glad I didn't check my email at that point, so I didn't find out until this afternoon, when I woke up. But anyway, reasonably quick, and, given it could have been so much worse, relatively painless. In a way, I'm glad it's over, although I've been through just about every emotion I can think of today as it is.

* posted by nat 5:51 PM

Thursday, September 06, 2001

I've managed to do it again, spend the whole day - from 9am onwards, it's now getting on for 6pm - surfing on the net. Mostly roleplay, and it's been a blast, and inbetween I've done a load of washing, I've made lunch, and father's phoned and I haven't been out shopping today and I have no idea what I'm going to do for dinner... But not to worry, I'll come up with something.

So last night I went round to see El, half-watched the football, half-chatted and caught up with each other, it's getting to be that we do too much of that these days, just filling each other in and not enough of the stuff inbetween. I suppose that's what growing up and doing Uni and getting jobs does to you.

And then when I got back Mark phoned and talked down the phone at me (I feel like it's always at, these days), and I just wasn't in the mood to talk to him, not at all. Didn't help that he's still being completely negative. There's just no talking to some people, no helping, no hoping at all. And I sent him a ratty little email today, and I suspect that it's now all over and we're really only playing Endgame. And it bothers me a whole lot less than I thought it would, so I suppose I'm turning into a callous little bitch in my old age. Or maybe it's just my period is a week late, but I doubt that's got much to do with it. Maybe I should go out and drive around for a bit. Crash into a tree or something. Either way, staying sober as sober can be is a good idea right now, lest I do something really silly.

* posted by nat 6:10 PM

Wednesday, September 05, 2001

So it finally came in the post this morning, that form, and it's all filled out and signed and faxed off to Torun, for the princely cost of �2 in the public library. What an evil mark-up! Still, nevertheless that's done, I've signed the contract, and also my certificate has arrived! Im still a bit annoyed by only getting a Pass, still, that was all I needed. I'm also cross at getting a few D's on my mark breakdown - I've got a lot of C's (good) and B's (very good) - and some of the D's (which is merely 'satisfactory') I agree with - like 'adjusting own language' which I did have difficulty with, but 'show awareness of students as individuals as well as a group' I think I managed, as well as 'teach with sensitivity to the learner's needs, interests and background.' Oh well. no-one to argue it against, so why worry? I've got this job, and things are beginning to look more sorted, so less to worry about.

And I have a large supply of chocolate soya milk in the fridge, so all in all things are just about perfect. Going to try kedgeree tonight. At last - one meal for the both of us! What a relief! (After last night's interesting attempt at spaghetti bolognese - I just wasn't cut out to be a cooker of meat. I suppose that's one more reason for not eating very much of it!)

* posted by nat 6:10 PM

Tuesday, September 04, 2001

It's official! Europe is getting real Monopoly money. This has to be an in-joke on the fact everyone uses credit cards nowadays? Right?

I finally had an email from IH London, to say that they'd posted all the Poland stuff to me. But it hasn't arrived. Argh! Birmingham's postal system is completely up the spout! Argh! I'm never going to get there! I'm going to get stuck in Stourbridge... this just doesn't bear thinking about.

I've found a new Mush! It's a very strange place and is going to take quite some getting used to, as not only is it an original theme place I have no background in, all the characters are pre-genned and come all set up and ready to play - and probably even have been played, beforehand, by other people. Which is all very strange, but on te other hand it means you immediately have a reason to talk to a whole bunch of people. So I've been paging and getting paged with "Hey! I know you!" It's called Firan, and it looks pretty good.

So I'm off to do a late lunch; there's pizza in the fridge.

* posted by nat 2:40 PM

Monday, September 03, 2001

Still no responses, but dinner went down very well. I adapted the recipe for dad's meat version from the one I eventually found in Good Housekeeping, (mince and onions and mixed herbs and seasoning and a bit of egg to bind) and made up my own for mine (bulgar wheat and mushrooms and onions and red pepper and mixed herbs) All with a jar of tomato and basil sauce thrown over the top of it (I'd got lazy by that point!), it was delicious, especially washed down with a glass of crisp white wine. So now I'm feeling very full and ready to doze the evening away, mu*ing for a while - although as I've just bought The Amber Spyglass I may curl up with the rest of the wine and that book.

Mark called me at 6pm to remind me it was Labor Day. I don't thin he can have checked his email yet. I was quite short with him, but he either didn't notice or he had decided not to notice. I don't know which is worse, to be honest. It was nice to hear his voice though, and I almost didn't mind anymore for a few minutes, but it resurged again well before the end of the conversation.

* posted by nat 9:20 PM

So confronted by the question "how does one stuff a courgette?" I phone mother and disturb her in the middle of a training session. It can't have been too exciting though, because she managed to tell me part of a recipe over the phone. So now I'm gearing up for a trip to the supermarket.

I spent the morning writing rude emails to people, and sensibly none of them have responded. Which of course only makes me feel even more grumpy, and annoyed.

It looks like rain, too. Ugh. I suppose I'd better run.

* posted by nat 3:56 PM

... and I'm back in Stourbridge, via a stop off at Jo and Jan's to - well, drink wine and chat, really. And why not?

Don't try to pack after a night out at Jess'... bad idea, with her father leaving copious amounts of wine about. Good food, wonderful time, just the five of us and it was all perfect. Despite the fact it took us about 2 1/2 hours to get home on the night buses and for some reason I was in the world's wost mood. (It ought to be illegal... no hang on, it is...)

Earlier in the day I met Emma, who plays Nadja on PernMUSH, and we had a coffee and I gave my alts away and we chatted. How wierd, strange; and never mind the Internet, we wouldn't have managed it if it hadn't been for mobile phones.

I love Sluggy at the moment. Definite Ranma 1/2 rip-off going on. Just the thing to make me laugh. And right now, I need to laugh, I'm getting all eaten up inside. I just want things to be definite, and right now everything's so wishy-washy.

* posted by nat 12:47 AM