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SEX JOKES

(Please note: these jokes have an adult theme please do not read if you are a minor )
(I just dont like people who dig holes)

During a routine physical, a doctor tells his patient to drop his pants. After the examination, the doctor says to the man, "You have the filthiest balls I've ever seen!" The guy goes home to his wife and says, "I want to talk to you about something." She replies, "Not now, I've been so busy lately that I haven't had time to wipe my arse!" He says, "That's what I want to talk to you about."

A guy is sitting on an airplane when he sees a beautiful woman sitting across the aisle. He notices that she is reading a magazine about penis size, so he decides he had better introduce himself. He walks across and says, "What you reading?" She says, "Well, it says here that Native Americans have the thickest cocks of all men. And it also says that Polish men have the longest cocks of all men. Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't get your name." "Tonto Kowalski"

A virgin white girl gets married to a black guy and she's rather nervous about the wedding night as she's heard that black men are better endowed than white men. She explains this to her husband who tells her he knows how to get round the situation which is to show her his dick, bit by bit. The wife lies in bed and sees three inches of dick come round the door. "Are you nervous yet?" says her husband. "No, I"m OK" she replies. Another six inches of dick comes around the door and he says "Are you still OK?" "Yes" she replies. A further foot comes around the door and she says "I"m still not nervous". "OK," her husband replies, "I"m coming up the stairs"

Upon answering the door to her whorehouse, the madam was surprised to see an amputee. "Look at yourself," the madam said, "no arms, no legs, what could you possibly do here?" The amputee replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

Mummy takes little Johnny to the zoo. As they pass the elephant cage, the elephant has an erection. "What's that, Mummy?" asks the child. "Nothing, Johnny, nothing," says the embarrassed mother, swiftly leading him on. A week later Johnny's dad takes him and the same happens. "What's that, Daddy?" "That, son, is the elephant's penis." "Mummy said it was nothing." "Your mother's spoilt, Son."

A guy is in the pub toilet having a piss when the door to the bathroom opens. In walks a very large, very muscular guy. This guy proceeds to pull down his pants, revealing a very large penis. To the man's amazement, the muscular guy growls and slams his penis into the sink attached to the wall. It shatters, spraying pieces and water everywhere. Next, the muscular man growls louder, and slams his penis into one of the stalls, making the entire thing collapse. Then he slams his penis into the wall of the room, knocking a very large hole into it. The muscular man approaches the scared guy having a piss. "Hey, mate, do you see this very large, very strong cock?" he asks. "Yes," replies the guy taking a leak. "Do you know what I am going to do with this very large, very strong cock?" the muscular man asks. "No, I'm afraid I don't," says the first man. "I'm going to shove it up your arse!" exclaims the muscular guy. "Jesus, that's a relief. I thought you were going to hit me with it!"

This guy was going out with a girl called Wendy. In fact he cared so much for her that he had her name tattooed on his dick so that when he became erect she could read her full name unfolding from "WY" to "WENDY". One day, he goes on holiday to Jamaica. Answering the call of nature, he enters a public toilet. There, next to him, he can see an enormous native, also taking a leak. Our hero takes a glance to his side and notices that the native also has "WY" tatooed on his dick. "Hey", he says, trying to strike up a conversation, "are you seeing a woman called Wendy too? You seem to have her name on your dick." "Wendy?", replies the native, "don't know any one with that name! My tattoo says "Welcome to Jamaica. Have a very nice day."

There's a woman in a hospital in a coma. Her nurse notices after a few days that every time she sponge bathes the woman around the crotch, her vital signs, according to the nearby monitor, increase significantly. The nurse gets the bright idea that oral sex might just provide the stimulus to bring the woman out of her coma. She calls the woman's husband, tells him her idea about oral sex, and he agrees. When he arrives at the hospital, the nurse ushers him into the room, closes the curtain around the bed, and closes the door. Five minutes later, the man comes running out of the room screaming that all of his wife's vital signs have plummeted to zero and she needs a doctor immediately. The nurse, upset that her idea had not only not worked, but seemed to be threatening the life of the woman she had sought to save, asked the man what had happened. "I'm not sure, but I think she choked".

A woman runs out of her house one morning and catches a strange little man at the bottom of her garden. "You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!" "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?" "I want a huge mansion to live in." "OK, you've got it." "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million pounds" "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes" Next morning the little man wakes the woman up. "Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies "Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still belive in goblins"

This fat guy sees an ad for a new gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms on the first day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 kg. They strip him and lead him into a huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and ladders and tell him to wait a minute. He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and out steps a gorgeous blonde, stark naked, with a sign saying "If you catch me, I'm yours." He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed. Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there. And just as he's about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door. In comes the management who lead him to the showers, and then weigh him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5 kg. He's back on the street and starts to think. "Jesus, I was so close to catching her. If I had a little more time..." So he races back to the gym and says, "I want to lose 20 more kg." "No problem," says the manager. Again he strips, and is led to the large gym. This time he's standing by the door when it opens. Out comes a gorilla with a sign "If I catch you, you're mine."

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

There was an alien couple and a human couple, they all got together and decided to see what it would be like to have sex with each others partners. The human wife and the alien husband went off together and ended up at a hotel. The alien guy drops his pants, and he is really ready...all 2 inches of him. "I don't think that this will work out, you're was just too small." says the woman. "Well," the alien says, "Watch this." He proceeds to smack himself in the forehead and his penis grows four inches. "That's nice," she says, "but I still don't think it will work." So he hits himself in the head a couple more times and before too long, his penis is twelve inches long. "That's fine," she tells him, "but it's still only a half an inch thick." So the alien starts tugging on his ears and with each tug his penis grows wider and wider until the woman just can't stand it any more and they have a fun-filled night of sex. The next day they trade partners again and the humans discuss their experiment. "I had the best sex I've ever had. It was amazing.", says the wife. "What about you?" "It was wierd", her husband answered. "All night long she kept hitting me on the head and tugging on my ears!"

The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table." Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile. "Yes," replied the girl, "much better." "Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please pass the cunt."

A man was to be married and his friends threw him a stag party. As usual there was much drinking and merriment. As the evening wore on, the man was dancing nude and and hit his erect penis on the fireplace, knocking himself out. Concerned, his friends took him to the hospital. Following an examination, the emergency room physician told them that their friend's condition was stable, that he was bruised and sore, that the medical term for his injury was complicated but in layman terms, "He had broken his prick". They shouldn't worry though, because he had supported the injured part with 4 tongue depressors neatly bound with tape. The next day, the wedding was flawless and the bride was unaware of any problems. In their honeymoon suite, the bride was spread-eagled on the bed when her husband emerged from the bathroom and she said, "Come and get it , Honey, it's all yours. I'm untouched by any other, this is pure virgin wool". The groom smiled as he dropped his pajamas as he said to her, "Check this out, Babe, still in the crate".

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage. He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on." The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers." He replies, "And don't forget that, I will always wear the pants in the family!" The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!" He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!" "And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

Ahmed was showing a foreign vistor around his country and bemoaning the lack of gratitude his countrymen showed him for his considerable achievements. "Look here" says Ahmed to the foreigner "at this vast and modern ship building yard", and the yards were indeed vast and modern. "I built this myself. I own it. But do they call me 'Ahmed the ship builder'? No! They don't!" "And look here" says Ahmed to the foreigner "at the modern and efficient road system we travelled on today", and the road system was indeed modern and efficient. "I own the company that built these roads. But do they call me 'Ahmed the road builder'? No! They don't!" "And look over there" says Ahmed to the foreigner "at that towering city on the horizon", and the city was indeed towering. "I own two thirds of those buildings. I built that city. But do they call me 'Ahmed the city builder'? No! They don't call me that either...but I fuck ONE goat!"

There is this guy who really takes care of his body. He lifts weights and jogs every day. One morning he's looking in the mirror, admiring his body, as is his habit. He notices, however, that he has an even, golden-brown tan all over his body with the exception of his dick, which is completely white. He immediately decides to do something about it. He goes to the beach early in the morning, and completely undresses, then buries himself in the sand, except for his snow-white member, which he leaves sticking out of the sand, liberally coated with sunscreen. A while later, as the sun rises above the yardarm, two elderly ladies are strolling along the beach, one of them so rickety she is using a cane. They walk right up to where the man is buried, and notice his dick sticking out of the sand. One of the old ladies begins to poke his dick around with her cane. She turns to her companion and says, "There really is no justice in the world." Her friend looks at her with some puzzlement and says, "What do you mean?" The cane-wielding lady says "When I was 20 I was curious about it, when I was 30 I enjoyed it, when I was 40 I asked for it, when I was 50 I paid for it, when I was 60 I prayed for it, and when I was 70 I forgot about it. Now that I'm 80 the damned things are growing wild and I'm too old to SQUAT!"

A guy was at the supermarket and after buying a few things he began to queue up in this really long line for the checkout. After about 15 minutes in the line he reached the checkout girl and just at that moment he remembered that he needed some condoms. Not wanting to line up again he said to the girl "Oh I meant to buy some condoms but forgot" "Do you know what size you are ?" she asked. "No". "OK drop your pants and I'll tell you what size you are". The guy then, not being the shy type, drops his trousers and the girl has a feel with her hand and then says in the microphone "1 packet of large condoms to aisle 3 please", he pulls up his trousers, the condoms are brought to him and he pays his bill and goes on his way. Another male customer sees this and thinks he'd like to have this nice girl fondling his prick and so says the same thing to the girl. A similar course of events takes place, only this time after having a feel she says "One packet of medium sized condoms to aisle 3 please", the condoms are then brought to him and he pays the bill and goes on his way. Also watching this course of events was a rather excitable 15 year old boy who then decides to queue up and try the same routine. "I'd like to buy some condoms please, but I forgot" he says. "Do you know what size you are?" "No." "OK, I'll check. Whoops, mop and bucket to aisle 3 please!"

Minnie and Mickey's marriage was in trouble. They decided that they should go to a marriage guidance counsellor. Each took their time with the counsellor. At the end of the appointment the counsellor asked them to come back a week later, giving him time to examine his notes. A week later they came back and sat together. The counsellor looked at them both and then addressed Mickey. "You know," said the counsellor, "you shouldn't tell Minnie that she's crazy." Mickey looked from Minnie to the counsellor and back again before saying "I've never called her crazy. I said she was fucking Goofy."

A guy walks into a bar and sits down to have a drink. There is a good looking wench sitting nearby. She looks at him a gives him a wink. He scoots over and offers her a drink, which she gratefully accepts. After a few mild pleasantries of conversation, the young lady mentions she is going through a divorce. "You too?" says the man. Why are you getting a divorce?" "My husband thinks I am too perverted." was her reply. "What a coincidence -- MY wife thinks I am too perverted!" he says to her. "She says I am too kinky when it comes to sex..." "Wow, my husband thinks the same of me, why don't we explore this kinkyness together?" He agrees, they finish their drinks and leave the bar. Knowing neither can go to one another's house because of their pending divorces, they drive to a remote location where they can be alone. The woman becoming quite aroused, jumps into the back seat, and takes off her clothes in anticipation of what is to come... "Please hurry, I want to get kinky with you!" she moans from the back seat. She hears him fumble with his belt, then hears his zip come down, then finally his pants coming down. Hardly able to control herself, she is somewhat surprised when she hears him pull his pants back up, then his zip, then his belt getting fastened. "Hey, I thought we were going to explore our kinkyness here!" she complained. "We did!", he says, "I just crapped in your handbag!"

A man went into a chemists looking for condoms. Unfortunately he didn't know what size to get. The pharmacist asks him, 'Would you like to find what size you are, Sir?' The guy agrees and the pharmacist leads him into a room with a board. The board has many differently-sized holes in it. The pharmacist leaves, allowing the guy some privacy to match up his dick with the right hole. Three hours have gone by and the pharmacist wonders what is taking so long. So, he knocks on the door and sees if the guy is alright. The guy says, "Forget the condoms, I think I'll take the board."

Little Johnny is the brightest kid in his class, and finishes way ahead of all the other kids during a maths test. To stop him from disturbing any of the other children the teacher says "Johnny, you are so clever that I'm going to ask you an extra question. There are five birds are on a wall. You're armed with a shotgun and you shoot one of them. How many are left?" "None." says Johnny. "What do you mean, none?" says the teacher. "Well, one falls dead, and the others fly away because of the noise." explains Johnny. "Ahhh, well done Johnny. I would have said four, but I like the way you're thinking." answers the teacher. Twenty minutes later, Johnny raises his hand. "Miss! Miss!" "Yes, Johnny?" "Now, can I ask you a question?" "Please do." "Miss, thee girls are standing next to an icecream van, and they've all got icecreams. One is licking it, the one is biting is, and one is sucking it. Which one is married?!" The teacher looks a bit embarrassed and says: "Err, hm, I dont know Johnny. The one who, er...is sucking it?" "No, Miss!" says Johnny "The one with a ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"

A man reaches his 100th birthday and to celebrate he goes to his local pub. The Landlord announces to his patrons that his longest serving customer is 100 years old today. The drinks start flowing and the old timer ends up in the mostly empty bar looking a little sad. A beautiful 18 year old girl goes up to the man and asks why he looks sad. "My darling wife Elsie died 20 years ago, and I miss her terribly". The girl takes pity on him, and says "I know I can't replace your wife, but it would be my pleasure to make love to a man like you!". The man agrees, this would more than round off an excellent birthday. A couple of weeks pass and the old man is pleased as punch, having had sex with a gorgeous women some 80 years his junior. However, his happiness soon turns to concern when he starts to notice something wrong with his old feller. He visits the doctor who asks what the problem is. "Well," the old man replies, "I've got this discharge from the end of my penis". "Hmmm," says the Doctor, "I'd better have a look". The Doctor examines the man's member, scratches his head and says "This may sound like a strange question, but have you have sex recently?". A wry grin appears on the old man's face. "Yes, Doc, a couple of weeks ago". The doctor gets up and says "Well I might be wrong but I think you're about to come!".

A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears and took pity on her. "Look, you've got a lot to live for." he said. "I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained, "He's taking me to America, and he's screwing me." "He certainly is," said the Captain. "This is the Dover-Calais ferry."

A guy is shipwrecked on a celebrity cruise and he wakes up stranded on a desert island with Nicole Kidman. Anyway, after a few weeks they are having passionate sex. This is all fine and dandy for a bit, but the guy starts getting a bit depressed. Nicole comes up to him on the beach one day and says, "What's the matter?" He says "Well, it's wonderful, I'm on a tropical island with a beautiful woman who I love, but...but... I miss my mates. I miss going down the pub with them." She says, "Well, I'm an actress. Maybe if I get dressed in some of those male clothes which were left behind in the trunks, I can pretend to be one of your friends, and you can talk to me as if you were down the pub." It sounded a bit weird but he thought he would give it a try. So she gets into the mens' clothing and they sit down next to each other, And the guy goes "Hey Joe, You'll never guess who I've been fucking..."

There was a father who was very proud of his three daughters. Every night he took a stroll around the house to make sure everything was all right. One night when he was doing his stroll, he could hear laughter coming from his youngest daughter's room. He stood there for a while and thought about this, but reached the conclusion that he could always ask her tomorrow, instead of bothering her at this time of the night. When he reached the window of his second daughter, he could hear her crying. He thought about this too, but ultimately he decided to ask her tomorrow and continued. There were no sounds at all coming from his oldest daughter's room, and he then went to bed, satisfied. The next day, when they all were gathered around the breakfast table, he said to his youngest daughter "I heard you laughing last night, as I walked past your window. Why was that?" She answered "That's because you taught me to laugh when someone was making me happy..." He then asked his second daughter "I heard you crying last night, why was that?" She answered "That's because you taught me to cry when someone was making me hurt..." He then told his oldest daughter "I didn't hear anything from you..." She said "That's because you taught me not to talk with my mouth full..."

A son takes his father to the retirement home. Grandpa doesn't want to go, but the family insists. On the first night, Grandpa is settling in when a gorgeous nurse enters and tucks him in. Grandpa gets a hard-on, she sees it, and she climbs aboard. The next morning Grandpa calls his son and tells him he's changed his mind. Now he LIKES the retirement home. The next night Grandpa is heading for bed when he trips and falls face first on the floor. A big male orderly sees him, drops his trousers, and sodomises the old man. The next morning, Grandpa calls his son again and tells him he no longer likes the retirement home. "But yesterday you told me you loved it there..." says the son. "Yeah, but you don't understand. I only get an erection once a month, but I fall down nearly every day."

A grungy old lumberjack, in town for the first time in weeks, went to the local brothel and demanded the roughest, toughest and meanest girl in the house. "That'll be Mary," said the madam. "Go to Room Four, and I'll send her up." "Fine,"said the lumberjack,"and tell her to bring a couple of beers." In due time, Mary appeared. She put the two bottles of beer on the floor, took off her negligee, positioned herself on her hands and knees and pointed to her cunt. "No! No!" exclaimed the lumberjack. "In the bed, the old-fashioned way!" "Sure, Pal," grunted Mary, "but I thought ya might want to open them beers first."

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The mother said to the young man, "That was wonderful. You should be a doctor!" The ungrateful father jumped up, twisted the boy's arm behind his back and yelled, "Doctor, my arse! He's going to be our son-in-law. Smell his fingers!"

A woman is frustrated with her love life because her husband has a massive crush on Brigette Bardot an ignores her completely. To win back his attentions, she goes to a tattooist to have the letters 'BB' tattooed on her breasts. The tattooist warns her that age and gravity would probably make this unattractive later in life, and suggests she have the tattoo on her arse instead. She agrees, and bends over to receive a 'B' on each buttock. When her husband gets home from work that night, she greets him by turning around, bending over, and lifting her dress to expose the artwork. "What do you think?" the wife says. "Uh, who the fuck is Bob?" the husband replies.

A young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first visit home since starting university. "Mum, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity last weekend." "I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience." "Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked. "The first eight guys felt great, but after them my cunt got really sore."

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five pounds you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five pounds, grabs the hairspray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five pounds. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five pounds." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

A young virgin marries a Greek man and before the wedding her father tells her that, being Greek, her husband may ask her to turn the other way in bed one day, but the she doesn't have to do it if she doesn't want to. Sure enough, after a couple of months, her husband asks her to turn over and she says "No, my father said I don't have to do this." Her husband says 'OK, that's fine by me, but I thought you wanted children."

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work drink when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes off her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for £100 on one condition." Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." He quickly pulled his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five £20 notes, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully said... "Paint my house."