Army Special Forces Vs. Marines
A marine recon platoon was on patrol when the lt. noticed a lone special
forces soldier standing on a hill top in their area. The lt. told two of
his men to go take out that man.
They promptly ran as fast as they could toward the sf soldier. Just before
they got to the top, the sf soldier ran over the other side of the hill.
The two marines followed. For the next few miniutes there were bloody screams
and dust flying in the air. Then as quick as it had started, it stopped
and the sf soldier came up on the hill top. He brushed off his bdu's, straightened
his beret, crossed his arms and stood there looking at the marines.
The lt., pissed, called for a squad to go get that sf soldier. They promptly
ran as fast as they could toward the sf soldier. Just before they got to
the top, the sf soldier ran over the other side of the hill. The marine
squad followed. For the next few miniutes there were bloody screams and
dust flying in the air. Then as quick as it had started, it stopped and
the sf soldier came up on the hill top. He brushed off his bdu's, straightened
his beret, crossed his arms and stood there looking at the marines.
The lt. was really hot now. He ordered the rest of his platoon to attack
the sf soldier. Determined that the recon was far superior to the one sf
soldier they had blood in their eyes as they ran up the hill.Just before
they got to the top, the sf soldier ran over the other side of the hill.
The marine's followed.
For many miniutes there were bloody screams and dust flying in the air.
It continued and continued. Finally there was one lone marine crawling back
to the lt., all bloody and beat about the head and shoulders. His bdu's
were torn, cuts were all over his body. The lt. asked for a sit.rep.
The lone marine, bloody and beaten replied in a forceful and fearful voice
"Sir, run, its a trick. There are TWO of them!!"
****************************************
Great Comeback
This has got to be the all-time classic comeback. This is a recount of a
National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster, and
US Army General Reinwald who's about to sponsor a boy scout troop visiting
his military installation. (Note: While this has been presented as a "true
story" for several years, it is, in fact, pure fiction. In short, this
incident never happened).
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "So, General Reinwald, what things are you going
to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"
GENERAL REINWALD: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery,
and shooting."
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"
GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised
on the rifle range."
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous
activity to be teaching children?"
GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how, ....we will be teaching them proper
rifle range discipline before they ever touch a firearm."
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."
GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're
not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended
********************************************
Dear John Letter
The soldier serving overseas, far from home was annoyed and upset when his
girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs
of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back
with a note saying........... "Regret cannot remember which one is
you -- please keep your photo and return the others."
*********************************************
How to Tell You are No Longer in the Army
1. I call my boss Mike, his boss Larry, and his boss Bob.
2. Kiwi regains its meanings as a flightless bird native to New Zealand.
3. I'm now making full use of both arms for carrying items, and save loads
of time not looking for my hat (once I realized I don't wear one anymore).
4. One look at my new paycheck and I now know why they called it the L.E.S.(S).
figure out what to wear to work.
5. I can again use the "passive" voice in my writing without the
grammar police smacking my knuckles.
6. Forget to shave? Just tell 'em you're starting your beard that day! Haircut?
Ha!
7. Can walk to the right side of Mike, Larry, and Bob without violating
some medieval concept of courtesy.
8. Have finally worked "Airborne", "Hoo-Ah", Sh*!",
and "Fu#@" out of my daily vocabulary.
9. Business lunches, golfing, and baseball season tickets are considered
an essential part of work.
10. The ability to run long distances quickly and do many push-ups or sit-ups
is not confused for intelligence, leadership potential, or degree of motivation.
11. Have determined brown T-shirts and OD Socks go with nothing in the real
world.
12. Can fly to New Zealand to see small flightless birds without having
to get permission and a bunch of signatures on an DA Form 31.
13. Can't remember the last time the shoes I wore to work got any mud on
them.
14. Office empty at 5:15 PM. Only people left behind are ex-military whose
wives couldn't take the shock of seeing their spouses before 7:00PM.
15. No guards at the entrance to my subdivision.
16. All the years of learning great cadences wasted on the civilian world.
17. Discovered jumping out of a perfectly good plane on a business trip
is a federal offense.
18. If a cannon goes off at the office at 6:30 AM or 5:00 PM you call 911.
19. No harassment from people with nothing better to do than worry whether
my coat is zipped or not.
****************************************
Officer vs. NCO observations
The Company Commander and the First Sergeant were in the field. As they
hit the sack for the night, the First Sergeant said, "Sir, look up
into the sky and tell me what you see?"
The CO said, "I see millions of stars."
1st Sgt.: "And what does that tell you, sir?"
CO: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies
and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God
is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells
me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Top?"
1st Sgt.: "Well sir, it tells me that somebody stole our tent."
******************************************
Out-Gunned
Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant
that he didn't have a rifle.
"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take
this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'."
"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible)
recruit.
The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom and attaches
it to the handle end. "Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'."
The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly,
a German soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom. "Bangety
Bang Bang!" The German falls dead.
More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangety
Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" He mows down the enemy by the dozens.
Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking
slowly toward him. "Bangety Bang Bang!" shouts the recruit.
The German keeps coming.
"Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets
desperate. "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!"
It's no use. The German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground
and says... "Tankety Tank Tank."
******************************************
VOICE MAIL
Thank you for calling the United States Army. I'm sorry, but all of our
units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a message
with your country, name of organization, the region, the specific crisis,
and a number at which we can call you. As soon as we have sorted out the
Balkans, Iraq, Korea, China, the Y2K Bug, marching up and down the streets
of Washington, DC, and compulsory "Consideration Of Others" training,
we will return your call.
Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please listen
to the following numbers:
If your crisis is small, and close to the sea, press 1 for the United States
Marine Corps.
If your concern is distant, with a temperate climate and good hotels, and
can be solved by one or two low risk, high altitude bombing runs, please
press 2 for the United States Air Force. Please note this service is not
available after 1630 hours, or on weekends. Special consideration will be
given to customers requiring satellite or stealth technology who can provide
additional research and development funding.
If your inquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit of gray
funnel, bunting, flags and a really good marching band, please write, well
in advance, to the United States Navy. Please note that Tomahawk missile
service is extremely limited and will be provided on a first-come, first-served
basis.
If your inquiry is not urgent, please press 3 for the Rapid Deployment Force.
If you are in real hot trouble, please press 4, and your call will be routed
to the United States Army Special Operations Command. Please note that a
compulsory credit check will be required to ensure you can afford the inherent
TDY costs. Also be aware that USASOC may bill your account at any time and
is not required to tell you why, as it will be classified.
If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to be shouted at, paid
little, have premature arthritis, put your wife and family in a condemned
hut miles from civilization, are prepared to work your ass off daily, risking
your life, in all weather and terrain, both day and night, and whilst watching
Congress erode your original benefits package, then please stay on the line.
Your call will shortly be connected to a bitterpassed-over Army Recruiter
in an old strip mall down by the Post Office.
Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to contact the United
States Army.
********************************************
You Might be a Tanker, If. . . . . . . . Dictionary Definition
of hooah
1. You've ever been fined for riding with your head sticking out your car's
sun roof.
2. Your wife complains because the kitchen junk drawer is full of MILES
keys and heater parts.
3. You giggle when your hunting buddies talk about the awesome stopping
power of the . 308 Winchester.
4. You named your son Roger.
5. You drive a '59 Caddy because you like "the feel of a lot of American
iron. "
6. You announce "On the way!" before you break wind.
7. Instead of meeting you at the door with a cold beer after work, your
wife meets you with a can of degreaser and orders to strip before you touch
the furniture.
8. After returning from the field it takes you a while to get used to food
without the "diesel smoked" flavor.
9. After sex you make your wife wipe down the breech.
10. When you go duck hunting you give your dog the command "ducks!
left duck!"
11. You've ever refered to a infantryman as a crunchie.
12. When buying a new car you make the salesman lay out the BII.
13. During intercourse you announce "On the way. "
14. You refer to General Patton as Him.
15. You consider cheating on your wife Permissive TDY.
16. You refer to the Gulf War as "The big one of 91. "
17. You think of ground troops as a speed bump.
18. You think bad sex may just be a boresight problem.
19. You consider a sand table exercise as a middle east deployment.
20. You consider a hasty defense just aiming the gun.
21. When working on your car you fill out a DA 2404.
22. A pillow is nice, but a CVC is better.
23. You think 19Kilo should be 19Sweep.
24. You wish your POV had Tac Idle.
25. You get mad when NOMEX is refered to as the tanker suit.
26. You volunteer to fuel up a car.
27. You have a BBQ and invite all three of your friends.
28. You rank monster trucks between a Bradley and a M1 tank.
29. You carry a tanker bar in your POV.
30. You think hot spots are targets, not clubs.
31. You wish Suburbans weren't so expensive.
32. Before your son/daughter can use your car they must complete a request
for dispatch.
33. You think PT means Persona Training.
34. You always set 4 places at the dinner table.
35. You don't buy gas for your car, instead you "top off"
36. Your kids call the sandbox "NTC".
37. Your older kids call the youngest one "Cherry".
38. When your family gets together you call them "Slice Elements".
39. Your dog's name is Sabot.
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