DEAR DIARY:
AUG. 1
Moved to my new home in Chicago.
It is so beautiful here. The city is so
picturesque. Can hardly wait to see it
covered with snow. I LOVE IT HERE
OCT. 14
Chicago is the most beautiful place
on earth. The leaves are turning all
different colors. I love the shades of red
and orange. Went for a ride through the
hills and saw some deer. They are so
graceful. Certainly they are the most
peaceful animals on earth. This must be
paradise. I LOVE IT HERE.
NOV. 11
Deer season will open soon. I can't
imagine anyone wanting to kill such
an elegant creature. The very symbol
of peace and tranquillity. Hope it will
snow soon. I LOVE IT HERE.
DEC. 2
It snowed last night. Woke up to find
everything blanketed in white. It
looked like a postcard. Went outside
and cleaned snow off the steps and
shoveled the driveway. We had a
snowball fight today (I won).
When the snowplow came by I had
to shovel the driveway again.
What a beautiful place. Mother Nature
in perfect harmony. I LOVE IT HERE.
DEC. 12
More snow last night. I love it. The
snowplow did his trick again that
rascal. A winter wonderland.
I LOVE IT HERE.
DEC. 19
Snowed again last night. Couldn't
get out of the driveway to get to work
this time. I'm exhausted from shoveling.
Fucking Snowplow!
DEC. 22
More of that white shit fell last night.
I've got blisters on my hands from
shoveling. I think the snowplow hides
around the corner and waits until I'm
done shoveling. That Asshole!
DEC. 25
"White Christmas" my busted ass.
More fucking snow. If I ever get my
hands on that son-of-a-bitch who
drives that snowplow, I swear I will
castrate the dumb bastard. Don't know
why they don't use more salt on this
fucking ice.
DEC. 28
More of the same shit last night. Been
inside since Christmas day except for
when "Snowplow Harry" comes by.
Can't go anywhere. The car is buried
in a mountain of white shit. The
weatherman says expect another 10
inches of this shit tonight. Do you know
how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is?
JAN. 1
Happy Fucking New Year. The
weatherman was wrong (AGAIN).
We got 34 fucking inches of snow this
time. At this rate it won't melt until the
4th of July. The snowplow got stuck
down the road and shit for brains had
the balls to come to the door and ask to
borrow my shovel. I told him I broke 6
shovels already, shoveling out the shit he
plowed into my driveway. I broke the 7th
shovel over his fucking head.
JAN. 4
Finally got out of the house today. Went
to the store to get food and on the way
back a deer ran out in front of the car and
I hit the fucker. Did about $3,000.00
damage to the car. Wish the hunters would
have killed them all last November.
MAY 3
Took the car to the garage in town today.
Would you believe the body is rotting away
from all the fucking salt they keep dumping
all over the roads. It really looks like a
piece of shit.
MAY 10
Moved to Florida today. I can't
imagine why anyone in their right fucking
mind would want to live in the God forsaken
State of Illinois