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This website is best viewed with a large chip on your shoulder and a penchant for childish insults.
Announcement: I will no longer be updating this site. The new site can be found atahttp://www.sortapundit.com
12.02.04
Kerry Wins More Primaries: Clark Blows Raspberries "We didn't want those stupid states anyway," remarks Clark
Bugger. I liked Wes Clark. Kerry looks like an old muppet doll. With a bad haircut. Still, better than Dubya.
Crazy American Airlines Pilot Terrifies Passengers
An American Airlines pilot terrified passengers when he asked Christians to identify themselves and allegedly went on to call non-Christians "crazy".
He went on to say that "everyone who doesn't have their hand raised is crazy", passenger Amanda Nelligan told CBS news.
The true motives for keeping the cockpit doors locked on planes has finally been revealed. We're trying to keep the dangerous religious nuts safely locked away in their little compartment during the flight. Imagine the terror that would ensue if one of them got out into the passenger section. Pure chaos. I hope security picked up the Bible cunningly disguised as John Grisham's 'A Time To Kill' hidden in his bag.
06.12.03
So what's happened since the summer? Bush is still a dick. We're still at war in Iraq. I'm still living in poverty. So, business as usual. Anyway, I'd like to take this opportunity to come out in support of Gen. Wesley Clark for President. He seems like a nice enough guy :- intelligent, sensible - but most of all he is an experienced military man. He's seen enough death to hold back from using force as the first option. Go, Wes!
http://www.kucinich.us/dk.html - watch the fantastic flash animation. I can't work this danged Lycos site builder thing, so if it doesn't work copy/paste it into your address bar. If you can't do that then turn off your computer and put on a stupid hat, you crazy Amish technophobe, you.
05.12.03 And the award for most inconsistently updated website goes to..... me. I actually forgot I had a site until some random guy sent me an e-mail requesting that I write something new. That's right - I have a fan club. Even if it consists of a lonely guy in Topeka who thinks I write eloquent criticism of government policy. Apparently childish insults and unnecessary swearing passes for sophisticated debate in Topeka. Regarless, thanks for reminding me. Anyhoo, I have a job. In fact, I've had a job for a few months. I work for an electricity supplier. In sales. On the phone. For 8 hours a day. On a shit salary. Yes, my degree was worthwhile. I have nothing special to say, apart from thank you to all the people who have linked here even though I haven't updated the site since July (what were you thinking). I promise I'll be back very shortly with regular updates. I have plenty free time now I've cut back some other commitments. See you soon.
25.07.03 I've been a little pissed off recently about the deaths of Uday and Qusay Hussein. Not that they died, of course. I heard about the little scamps a good few years ago in an article in U.S. Maxim or Stuff (or one of many other men's lifestyle magazines). It soon became apparent that these guys were nasty pieces of work. Anyway, I don't care that they're dead. They deserve everything they got. My problem is that the pictures of their corpses were released. Are we not bothering to keep up even the illusion that we are decent anymore? I mean, fuck, during the war Bush and co. were crying their eyes out when the Iraqis released pictures of our soldiers. When did we lose our shame? I don't care that their were mitigating circumstances (i.e. that the Iraqi people may not believe the brothers were really dead). Since when did we care about the opinions of the Iraqi people? Oh yeah - since some of them started killing our soldiers. Whatever. I've decided to jump on the bandwagon and drop my principles for a while. If you want to see two dead bodies then you can see them here.
Are you as proud as I am?
23.07.03 Got home from the pub last night to the 'great news' (as my leader calls it) of the deaths of Uday and Qusay Hussein, the sons of Saddam. Now forgive me, but I have several problems with the celebrations. 1 - Uday Hussein was never anything more than a sadistic playboy. Saddam may have been a bastard but he had the good sense to keep his most unhinged son well away from the big boys table. After the downfall of Saddam, this gangly lunatic had no influence anyway. He had so little sway in Iraq that even our inept forces could hunt him down and put some bullets in him. Is this a man who was a future threat to Iraq? 2 - Qusay's power was based solely on his father remaining in power. He was being groomed as the next leader, but that could only happen if Saddam were to die in power so Qusay could jump into the chair before anyone else got the idea. 3 - Weren't Uday and Qusay enemies last time anyone heard from them? How come they were caught together? 4 - Homer Simpson quote, regarding the elation Tony Blair displayed upon hearing of their deaths: 'Seems the classy thing to do would be not to draw attention to it.' Are we that desperate for good news that we hail the assassination of a couple of two-bit Saddam spawn as the turnaround point of the war? Hey, maybe we should have planned this whole thing a little better so we didn't have to spend months cleaning up afterwards. Fuck, I could have planned a better war than this - mine would have had snacks! Anyway, today is my birthday. I must be getting old - I got one gift so far, and it was socks (they were nice socks, though). 22.07.03 Damned baby just scratched my neck with her stupidly sharp nails. I hate seeing my own blood. Sometimes I don't like kids. Best part of the last two months I've been wasted. I never thought I'd say this, but I'm kinda bored of it. I'd like to find a job. Sad. What's worse is that I have no choice but to keep partying. I'm going drinking with my brother tomorrow, Wednesday is my birthday, Thursday I'm going to Alton Towers (not quite partying, but you get the idea), and then next weekend I promised a friend I'd go see him in Cardiff and show the Welsh how to drink. I need a week off and a Scrubs marathon. Anyway, the result of this excessive drinking is that I've become totally oblivious of current events. When I heard about the death of David Kelly I had no clue who he was. Mole? Wha'? I haven't even had time to laugh at Dubya's recent speech. Long story short, I resolve to pay closer attention to the news, and add a few new articles to the site - you know, those blue links over there ------> I also plan to figure out how to fix the site after Lycos decided to be all clever. That comments link hasn't worked since my ass last saw sunlight, and those links pages have been building up every time I reload the page. Gotta go keep an eye out for baby nails. Later.
I swear, over the past month I have only visited my site about 4 times, and only posted a couple of shitty posts. Since finishing finals, I have been constantly drunk ( so drunk that it took 3 attempts to spell 'constantly'). For my faithful readers, I promise to return at full strength very soon - I have a job interview tomorrow, so my drunken debauchery will be curtailed by the need to wake up at 7am. Anyway, I'm very drunk, so almost time for bed. Before I leave, I'll let you know that I went to my graduation ceremony on Monday, and (of course) got very drunk afterwards with my Dean. Happy days are set to come to an end as soon as I start work. Anyway, my eyelids are drooping, so i bid you adieu. Have, and I mean this sincerely, a nice day. 12.07.03 "The Coalition did not act in Iraq because we had discovered dramatic new evidence of Iraq's pursuit" of WMD's, Don Rumsfeld told the Senate Armed Services Committee. "We acted because we saw the evidence in a dramatic new light - through the prism of our experience of 9/11." - Donald Rumsfeld - July 9, 2003 "Right now, Iraq is expanding and improving facilities that were used for the production of biological weapons" - George Bush, Jr. - Sept 12, 2002 A bit of a turnaround, no? After all the threats that Saddam could have a nuclear weapon within a year, after all the talk about his chemical weapons and death-bringing missiles, after all the claims that he was actively building these weapons RIGHT NOW that would kill our families and destroy our way of life, it has finally been admitted, at least partially, that there were no weapons. But this isn't enough. There were no weapons full stop. There was nothing, past or present. Any WMDs Saddam had (you know, the ones we sold him) were destroyed years ago. He tried to tell us as much, but we didn't listen. Well I listened, and I dare say the majority of my readers had their ears wide open and their brains engaged. However, our brave leaders didn't care, and they punished Saddam by slaughtering several thousand of his countrymen (and countrywomen and countrychildren - probably even a few countrybabies, too). That'll learn ya. We now see that this attack was a groundless, pre-emptive invasion of what was technically an innocent country. Before you harp on about how many people Saddam killed in his tenure, consider the fact that it will probably be the same under any leader. Hell, people are still killing each other right now, and a fair few soldiers to boot. The Constitution guarantees the right of Americans to own firearms in order to ensure that the citizens will be able to rise up against a tyrannical government, and claim the nation back into the arms of democracy, freedom and all the other values America is supposed to hold dear. I don't like guns, but I think we've finally reached the point at which you guys should lock and load. Fuck impeachment - I want to see Bush's head on a spike. 08.07.03 I'm sorry about the sporadic posting here, but I'm either too busy or too drunk recently. Anyway - well behind the times, but here's Curious Georges' most recent show of idiocy:
"There are some who feel like that conditions are such that they can attack us there," Bush told reporters at the White House. "My answer is: Bring them on."
Considering that, following this painfully arrogant remark, the death toll of American soldiers has risen greatly, it could be said that Georgey boy shouldn't be allowed near a microphone. When I read this statement it put me in mind of the bad guy in Shrek, Lord Farquuad. In the movie he auditions for a champion to rescue Princess Fiona from a dragon-guarded castle. To qualify, the prospective tough guys have to take part in a tournament. Lord Farquaad says,
"That champion shall have the honour - no, no - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you may die... but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make."
I'm sure it's easy to goad the 'enemy' from behind that big safe desk in the Oval office, George. You're a real tough guy.
I've been reading a lot of pro-Bush opinions claiming that this is exactly the sort of tough talk we need. These people seem pleased that the US has a leader who isn't afraid to act forcefully. Indeed, I myself have many times been called a 'lily-livered liberal hippy who is afraid to get his hands dirty'. Now, I am a self-confessed pacifist. Unless you hit me full in the face you can be fairly certain I won't smart bomb your ass. However, it annoys me to hear these idiots spouting off about things they don't understand for the sole reason that they believe that advocating violence makes them appear tough and clever. Here is my opinion, for those of you who give a damn: if you are not physically out there under fire while you spout your cowboy pro-war shit, for the love of God shut the fuck up. I swear the next pro-war guy I hear claiming he'd love to be out there 'teaching those towelheads a lesson in democracy' is going to find a boot in their groin - pacifism or no pacifism. I've had my fill of mummy's boys living in their parents basement acting like military strategists. In the words of the great Peter Kay - "You're 19 - get a job." This rant was brought to you by the Drunken Taylor Corporation. Have a nice day. 28.06.03 Well, finally figured out how to resurrect the old black background (exciting, no?), but having less success erasing all those multiple java thingies down there at the bottom of the page. Still, you can never have enough links, can ya? Hey, I graduated yesterday, with a 2:2. As I was fully expecting a 3rd, this is excellent news. AND, all of my friends got either 2:2s or 2:1s, so no faux sympathy. AND AND, I had the rare honour of making a grown man cry. I called a friend to inform him that he got a 2:1. He expected to fail the course since he spent the first month of the year in hospital (a girl landed on him after falling from a nightclub balcony - don't ask). Anyway, when I told him he'd not only passed but achieved a better grade than everyone else he knew on the course, he burst into tears and couldn't speak for 5 minutes. I'm so glad I had the honour of letting him know. Of all the people on my course he's the most hard working and deserving of a great degree. Anyway, this weekend is devoted to alcohol, so I must bid you, and my liver, adieu. 20.06.03 Crazy Lycos are trying to scare me away with a stupid new layout and frequent downtime. You can't silence me - I'm the last angry man. OK, you can probably silence me with a pizza and a decent movie, but... oh, shut up. Anyway, nothing to report. Just thought I'd check in to remind myself I still have a site. I'll be back in a few days when I'm feeling angry about something. There's a thing: I was considering just yesterday the option of embracing apathy. It just seems much easier than caring about stuff in the long run. I'd love to just shrug my shoulders and go back to my soap operas when I hear about atrocities and such. But no, I have to be a typical youngster and get all riled. Still, beer will solve that in time. It'll get to the point where I forget what I was angry about and go and vote Conservative just to spite myself. Anyway, I think I'll have that pizza and see what's on the TV. Night all. Edit - just saved the page and fucking Lycos have given me a white background and no way to change at whenever a site gets redesigned it looks like shit and nothing works? I've just noticed that any Javascript stuff on the page shows up about 5 times. Fuck this - I'll be back when I can figure out what they think they've done. While attempting to add some more angry words this evening, my wonderful hosts Lycos decided to spring yet another little surprise on me - deleting my entire front page. I've had to retrieve an old page that (luckily) I had saved, but I've lost a fair amount of recent content. I'll try to remember where I put it all so I can restore the site to it's former glory (ha!) Anyway, I remember talking a few days ago (Wednesday?) about Prime Ministers Questions in Parliament. A few days before I had written an article on the Congo (here). It seems that, with remarkable prescience on my part, I predicted the Governments approach to the civil war. Apparently Mr. Blair is of the opinion that the surrounding African states should join together and help sort it all out among themselves. Hmmm. Considering that several surrounding countries are already involved in the fighting (Rwanda and Uganda?), it seems unlikely that they will spontaneously lay down their arms and go for a quiet drink together? Of course, the Congo doesn't have much oil. Funny how it always seems to come back to that. Another new article, this time on the political drumbeat that keeps us all good and scared (here). It seems to me that the terrorist threat isn't quite as big as some claim. Is our 'way of life' really under threat? Was my way of life threatened even as the IRA were bombing my home town? Was the American way of life threatened by communism? Nope, nope and double nope. But hey, fear sells war. Anyway, that's all I can remember for now. I think the comments box may be working again, so if you have anything to say stick a not in the box at the top of the page. 31.05.03 You should see the weather we have here. Beautiful. Unfortunately I only own 1 jacket - a big black 3/4 length that makes me look like a goth. Since I need to take it everywhere I go to carry my phone<, fags and money I end up in sweaty hell whenever the sun decides to visit my little island. Manchester was painful yesterday. I had to go into the student bar to cool down and was forced - forced - to drink several pints of chilled lager. Damned summer. 29.05.03 And here's the latest joke from Capitol Hill. Saddam destroyed all his WMDs just before we went in and killed everyone. How convenient. 27.05.03 We need a new host. This server seems to lock us out about 50% of the time. Anyway, this is the future of Iraq. 24.05.03 You know what really pisses me off? OK everything, but this pisses me off more than most things. I'm sitting in the Student's Union Bar (which the fuckwits decided to turn into a tapas bar. Don't get me started), I order a plate of chips because I haven't had a meal in about 4 days. I go back to the bar to get a drink. When I get back there are 5 chips left on the fucking plate, and all my friends are sitting there with full mouths and grinning from ear to ear. Yeah, that's real funny. I wasn't gonna eat them anyway. Maybe next time you order food I'll just take a big shit on the plate, and then flash you my oh-so-cute cheeky grin like that makes it OK. Stealing my food? I mean seriously, gimme a break. That's just mean. Jesus H Christ, I'm in pain. Had my final exam yesterday afternoon, followed by a few celebration drinks. A few turned into a lot. A lot turned into a fucking huge session. When everyone else decided they couldn't take any more I called a few friends and started a new session. Got home and went straight to bed, slept a couple of hours and now here I am at 6:30am feeling like a cat crawled down my throat. Anyway, the exam went well. I went to see my course leader Steve beforehand (we like Steve. He lets us get away with murder), and he told me to send in my gran's death certificate and it'll be taken into account when they mark the exams. Score. This weekend will be painful. Gonna get a few hours sleep this afternoon, and then off to a party at a friends house tonight. Got football Sunday morning, followed by a swift drink at the Snooker club, followed by the end of season booze-up for my Sunday league football team. I expect to be blind by Monday morning. Anyway, what do I do now? If anyone has any use for a 21 year old graduate let me know. I was browsing the Job Centre website the other day. I found only one job that looked even remotely interesting. After I took a note of the contact phone number it struck me that I recognised it. Turns out it's my old fucking job at the Royal Mail. Still, I might go back to earn some pocket money. So, tonight is the Eurovision Song Contest. Does anyone even watch it anymore? It sucks, plain and simple. I just saw the UK entry on the news, and I can honestly say that my ass can sing better. Seriously. It sounded like a really bad karaoke track. The only lyrics seem to be 'Bye bye baby, bye bye bye ba-baby, bye bye baby bye bye'. My ass can also write better music. 22.05.03 I'm searching for a word to describe the frustration you feel when you notice a spelling error on the front page of your site, but can't do anything about it because your third rate drunken monkey hosts have taken the FTP server down for the THIRD TIME in a week for 'maintenance'. Anyway, it's back up (for the moment), so I'm gonna post as much as I can while I have the chance. So, a bomb went of in Yale Law School, killing 2,000 law students. In a scene reminiscent of Disney's Fantasia, the torn bodies arose from the wreckage in the form of 4,000 new lawyers. When a second blast dispatched these newly spawned ambulance chasers, they again doubled. Statisticians have suggested that at this rate the world's surface will be completely covered with lawyers within 7 days. The Bush Administration has raised the alert level to brown, meaning 'Oh shit, we're doomed'. Ari Fleischer, in an impromptu press conference this afternoon, put out a desperate plea to all terrorists to help in dealing with this problem. He stated 'We're out of ideas. We'd appreciate any help you can offer.' The Al Jazeera news network ran Osama bin Laden's response. It consisted of a half-hour video of insane laughter, with the Reel Big Fish cover version of 'Take on Me' playing in the background. There was apparently some trouble before George Bush gave a commencement speech at the US Coast Guard Academy. He reportedly demanded 1000 brown M+Ms and 17 cans of Tang before he would speak. Roadies had to go to a nearby sweet shop to get the M+Ms. Reports that they had to beat the shopkeeper to death with his own shoe are unconfirmed at this time. Bush later went on to give a classic speech in which he stated, 'We will hunt the terrorists in every dark corner of the Earth. And we're making good progress.' Millions of Americans who misunderstand the meaning of the word 'patriotism' applauded. True patiots brought up their lunch as they tried to tear the ears right off their heads just to escape for one second the fucking sickening lies and rhetoric spewing out of this retarded simian's ugly little cruel fucking mouth, destroying everything that it once meant to be American, crushing their proud heritage underfoot while bending over the world and fucking it right up the ass. 21.05.03 George Bush is reportedly very unhappy at his rating at Hot or Not. Apparently he posted his picture last Wednesday, and has so far only acheived a rating of 3.2. His message reads 'I work in politicks, and enjoy rainy days, long warks on the beach, and carpet bombing. Clik 'Meet Me' if you want to talk.' White House officials report that George had high hopes when posting the photo, especially as he took measures to ensure success. As well as altering the rating system so rating from 1-5 were recorded as 10, he installed his brother Jeb as webmaster of the site. Press Secretary Ari Fleischer said 'Mr. Bush is feeling a little down at the moment. The next few days are going to be difficult for him. We appeal to all patriotic Americans to stand behind their President at this time.' We're rooting for you, Georgie. 19.05.03 This article in the Telegraph basically sums up my feelings on America. Very well written. 18.05.03 Comic books have a lot to teach us. Here's the latest piece of wisdom from the good people at Marvel Comics. Take heed, Bush. 10 reasons why I would make a better President than George Bush 1. I wouldn't kill many people. Some, but not many. For those of you who like to keep up to speed on our latest list of mortal enemies, the freshly updated Axis of Evil can be seen here. 15.05.03 I just found this on Wil Wheaton's blog - the Top Ten Things I Hate About Star Trek. This is some funny shit. Oh, and if you've forgotten what gender you are, you can take this test to remind yourself. Truly incredible. Before I forget, go to Jobe's site. This is my uncle's band from Rochdale. They're on a US tour at the moment, so they must be doing something right Here are the confessions of the President's bodyguard. 14.05.03 I just watched X-men 2. Reasonably impressed, but it was never gonna be groundbreaking. Anyway, it gets a respectable 7.5/10, if only for Famke Janssen. I could watch her all day. On the subject of cute women, my favourite site of the day is MadPony. Those girls are painfully cute. What we're reading - I, Lucifer (Glen Duncan) To link to this site, copy one of these buttons. Links
| FAQ Archives A Heightened State of Paranioa? Where Next? Iran, Syria Or The Congo? Stupid Damned Deck Of Cards The Future Of Iraq Join The Al Qaeda Pyramid Terrorism Scheme Today! What Marvel Comics Has To Teach Us The Updated Axis Of Evil Journal Of The President's Bodyguard Why Patriotism Sucks Ass Saudi Bombings Has The World Gone Insane? Yes. Yes It Has. Axis of Evil Wannabes, by John Cleese New Hate Mail WMDs Not Found, Public Indifferent Boycott Reality TV World Domination Kit Got a Problem? Ask Satan Pro-lifers Are Idiots. End of Story Liberate America First George Bush Has Ruined My Sex Life Go Back To School, Moron Baby's First Hate Mail Screw Bush And All He Stands For Cover-My-Ass Disclaimer >The New Site | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
