Hi there . . . It's yet another
Bag O'Bones . . . (call it #10)Louis
is busy looking after Davey, but YOU're lookin' GOOD !Welcome to February's Foolishness / March Madness, 2001 !
Before we get crackering with this latest slice of silliness - on account of there'll be not much Band News to report until Davey's fit to hit the A19 again - here is a word or two of warning:
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IF YOU'RE SMART, DO NOT BUY A CAR FROM
DIXON'S,
UNLESS YOU DON'T REALLY NEED ONE !
(This tale comes from one close to us who just did.)
When it goes wonky, after a couple of days, they'll take over a week to 'look at it' and still fail to fix all the real fault(s). Surprisingly, there'll be no 'Courtesy Car' to keep you mobile whilst they 'look at' yours because, "They're all out at the moment." (That tells a tale !)
So, it's Shanks's pony for thee, unless you can borrow one off a friend, and when the bastard they've just spent over a week 'looking at' misbehaves again within a few more days and you go and ask for your money back, they'll tell you, ever so sincerely, "Sorry folks, no can do, an' that, like ! That lurching you experience is nothing to worry about, all fuel injection engines do that . . !"
(Yeah, like Michael Schumacher's does it all the time . . . !)No refunds
- It must be in the small print, so this message is going out writ LARGE !They'll offer to put right any faults, of course, (AGAIN), but how long that might take, and whether they ever can or not is doubtful, seeing as their pre-delivery inspection failed to spot them, and the week they spent 'looking at it' was seemingly just that ! Oh, and they're not able to even 'look at it' again for another week . . .
I wonder, was it inspected along the lines of : "Looks alright to me, Guv ! Where's me bonus ?"
A friend 'in the know', on hearing about your experience, sets the record straight and disabuses you of your misconception, thus: "Didn't you twig ?", he says ;
"DIXON's don't sell CARS . . . They sell LOANS ! . . ."
(How silly of you, the punter, not to know this ! . . . Presumably it's the Agreement you've bought, and Dixon's want you to get your Agreement home in style. So the car must be a gift then ? . . and at midnight it turns into a pumpkin again . . ? . . )
Thankyou Dixon's for shitting on a young couple.
The fall-out has been absolutely, bloody spectacular !
Your name is mud ! . . .
(. . . and no, this is NOT the first draft . . . ) . . . What was it Caesar De Moment said in Ben Hur to that bloke looking to buy a second hand chariot . . . ?CAVEAT EMPTOR !
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So, when you're 'Billy No Wheels', whaddya do to pass the time ? You watch the box. Tell me now, have you been enraptured by the latest "Shipwrecked" crew's antics on C4 ?
( I know I sure have ! ) Is that lad from Oz gonna go on a crusade to fight his countrymen's stereotyping of limeys when he gets home ? I somehow think NOT ! What a bunch of 'Whinge-ing Poms' ! There were only about three or four that were 'Up for it' and, strangely, it was this little bunch who got the most out of it.What a gem they've unearthed in little Stuart, the camp dancer from Madchester. Mark my words, he's gonna be BIG . . . . made for TV . . . just watch ! Reminds me of a young Chuck Berry . . . and he has that arrangement of facial hair that suggests he wouldn't be averse to playing with his Ding-a-Ling ! . . . Have you, too, noticed his little secret ? . . . No ? . . . Well, let me mark yer card - this is a LAFFIN BONES EXCLUSIVE !
He had an invisible friend with him on this uninhabited tropical island.
Her name is Janet Amin !
How do we know ? Well, mainly because he got her name into every sentence he uttered . . . like when he was Head Honcho that week. He kept saying "I think I'm gonna have to call another meeting, Janet Amin !" Then it was "I think we should have a secret ballot, Janet Amin !"
Just think about it, an invisible stowaway, the one who ate all the pies, the soon-to-be legendary Janet Amin . . . just like that rabbit in the Jimmy Shtooooart film . . . what's his name . . . ?
(Bangs wall . . )The merchandising prospects when the Press catch on are awesome . . . what's keeping them ? The World's first fully operational Cloaking Device, as demonstrated on TV by the Shipwrecked Stowaway . . . Janet Amin ! . . . They'd all be "Mad for it !" . . Every bugger'd want one. Some would want two, (as in the Arnold "Two Sheds" Jackson syndrome), especially the likes of Paul Daniels. He'd shell out . . . but maybe not a lot . . .
Even old Thewlis could get one, then he could switch it on if he needed a piss halfway through the set and nobody would know he'd had one, unless he pissed on the batteries and fused the circuit, of course. Just imagine it . . . Now you see him . . . Now you don't . . . Crackle . . . Flash . . . Now you see him again with his todger on fire ! . . . No, we'd best not tell him !
All the same, maybe we should steam in there . . . Timmy could do the invisible T-shirt design, like a silky, shadowy, ethereal, astro-ethnic, silent, sensuous, omnipotent presence . . . tanned, buck-naked, seriously strange, but kooool . . . and . . .
Nah, forget it, we've been there . . . tried it with the Bones T-shirt idea and it bombed.
Ah, well. Best of luck, Stuart, you're on your own now . . . (apart from Janet) . . . Janet Amin ?
Meanwhile . . . . . . I's thinkin' . . . . . Now it's :
Zap the mouse !