Huh ! - Lost the plot again . . . just like me hair, eyesight, bladder control and short term memory. Whoops, Nature calls . . . (Pause 500). As I write there's major uncertainty about certain members' continued availability. . . Could YOU be so lucky ? . . . . We'll have to see what 2002 brings, but for now, December 5th is the last planned gig.

Suggested titles are "THE LAST LAFF" - "THE DEATH RATTLE" - "LAST KNOCKINGS" - "THE SCRAG END" and (whisper it softly) "THANK FUCK !" . . . alternatively, it could well be "NOT FADE AWAY . . .". We're planning for the evening to be a bit psychedelic and a bit special to thank Landlord Ian for giving us somewhere to play AND to celebrate his birthday, and also to YOUSE LOT wot turn up.

It might well also be your last ever chance to snap up that exclusive merchandise you've secretly been dying to add to your horde . . .you know, the Bones T-shirt and Stunning Poster, not to mention our CD, "Gannin' Doon the Road, Feelin' Shite !" - the only officially sanctioned digital record of what we done - (very limited edition !) - We've arranged to borrow the length of queue indicators from Alton Towels for the day, so come early to avoid disappointment.

Do you know why they call these "The Golden Years" when you're knockin' on a bit ? - It's because that's the colour the mattress goes ! - The Good Lady's been wanting a new one for years now . . . maybe better add sense of smell (not to mention good taste) and selective hearing loss to that earlier list. Ah say, better add sense of smell and selective hearing loss to that list. Now then Ashley, where did I put me glasses . . . ?

Oh Shit, I'm already wearing them ! - (Don't you just HATE it when you're 'sight unseen' ?) - What use is a blind butcher to a frog without a bicycle, eh, about as much as a wink to a chocolate fireguard, eh ? Ah say . . . (Cue adverts for El Dumpo Grande.)

It's am-AAY-zing what you find when you're not looking for it . . . (like that old J.J. Cale favourite . . . you know the one . . . "Sensitive Piles" . . . and that's how we came upon these Autumnal Delights . . . "Healthy Bones".

Website http://www.nos.org.uk

Whilst we're on the subject of Health, in the mail this week - totally unsolicited, I might add - comes an entreaty to purchase a commodity which is not unknown on these pages. Whaddya fink abaht this then ? - Mr. Sainsbury breathes fresh life into The Cheese Question and comes up with a novel solution.

I'm for the Real Deal. "Send Me More Cheese." - Cheese gives amazingly good value for money, dream-wise, if taken shortly before retiring ! - (Take it from one with a golden mattress . . . We've all had THAT dream, be honest . . . the one where you DREAM you're in the bog . . ? - No ? . . Pish ! ! - Yer a liar ! )

However, this puts us in a bit of a quandary . . . as we thought yer dairy stuff was a bit of a 'No-No', health wise, what with cholesterol-onic irrigation fears an' that, but then we look at the Healthy Bones pamphlet and . . Hey Presto, "CHEESE GOOD" ! - See fer y'selves . . . Your guts might well get 'bound up' and your arse might well implode, but yer skellington can take the strain . . ! - Which one would YOU prefer to have to snap off ? - Makes you think, eh ?

So Endeth 'The Bag'. I think it's been blowing round this dead-end site for far too long. However, as a Special Treat (?) we've revamped the entire backnumbers catalogue. Fittingly, it's called 'THE FULL BAG' and documents the Life & Times of Laffin Bones - the ideal template for anyone who wants to know how not to . . . and it's also summat to remember us by . . . both in this and previous lives . . . and here's hoping the next one isn't as close as it seems it might be at the present time. Dunno about you lot, but I'm not done with this one yet . . . an' that !

Old Bones never die, they just crumble with age . . . Much like cheese ?

However, we're in hibernation until further notice, an' that ! So, we said farewell to 2001 on Dec. 5th @ MacRory's Bar, Easby Road, Bradford, West Yorkshire, the 200 or so square feet we have known as home. "A bonny lass went 'roond wi' a glass" one more time to help fund, amongst other things, two hearing aids, a zimmer frame, half a set of spare guitar strings - (even pre-owned will do) - AND a welcome contribution to the cost of sending Thewlis to see a Urologist at a private clinic. ("Oooh, careful with that catheter !)

Many thanks and Good Wishes to The Dancing Flock of The Oneness. YOU guys've been great. Once the band eventually managed to achieve some measure of cohesion they found they enjoyed the evening enough to consider not calling it a day just yet. However, due to the onset of Winter and the imminent cold blast from the frozen North, they've decided to try and keep their powder / trousers dry awhile before attempting re-entry. Check the site later - Fingers crossed eh ?

Dateline Elvis's Birthday, 2002. - And events took a swift turn, so much so that, before you could say 'EFREM ZIMBALIST JUNIOR', ol' Davey Boy (aka Trevor) has been on the old dog and bone to MacRory's Head Honcho and pleaded with him to rescue him from his Winter of Discontent in the frozen north - (life wasn't worth living once Sunderland got turned over by The Baggies in the Cup). He's gonna get the Husky Team lashed together and do the old Iditerod thing down the Great North Road not once, not twice, but THREE times in his Long Johns, rouse the other members from their recumbent / somnolent / toe-down posture and THE BONES will be at it again much sooner than expected.