(or maybe this time it's ' SIDEWARDS ')

Did you see it on the news about our wonderful new ' Guided Bus Lane ' - complete with State-of-The-Art Bus Shelters ??? We used to have a six-lane dual carriageway out of town up to Odsal . . .

(You've heard of Odsal ?. . . The mythical 'Wembley of The North' ? . . . . It was gonna cost a quarter of a million to develop it half a century ago, so they shelved 'The Wardley Plan' due to the cost. Currently, the umpteenth Renovation Plan is in a state of uncertain flux, much like all the preceding ones, including the ill-fated Odsal Superdome affair of recent years . . . at present grass is growing there . . . but there has been little crowd interest, much as there wouldn't be to watch paint dry, but getting paint to dry oop North is a tricky business . . . but that's another story we'll save for a rainy day. We get lots of them here, usually of the 'golden' variety !)

Anyway, this six-lane highway, (complete with traffic lights every two hundred yards or so and a roundabout with negative camber - and foot-bridges no-one ever used - and scrote-infested subways that were six inches deep in doo-doo), was gradually reduced in width over the years by the painting of WHITE LINES which pretended to be kerbstones or brick walls, etc. This was to safeguard pedestrians, you know ! - Then we got the civic hots for 'Cycle Lanes', presumably to protect the three or four middle-aged keep-fit nuts in the Planning Dept - no bugger else uses 'em - and then, latterly, this guided bus-lane idea. We have no idea whose benefit this mammoth engineering enema is for . . . The guided buses have little wheels along the side to stop them gnashing their bodywork on the high kerbs that border the guided bus lane. Okay ? When they are not in the bus lane (often) the wheels allow them to exact retribution on cyclists, ha !

It's been under construction for ages, (during which the doo-doo pits have been filled in with rubble from the demolished footbridges, but the negative camber is a tad more accentuated !), and it became a three mile traffic jam in both directions during daylight hours, as the original six lanes were reduced to two, but this IS Bradford, after all. Walter Mitty rules in the Planning Department.

Well, this new bus lane opened at the end of January, at a reported cost of £12 million - complete with new bus shelters that have little windmills on top to supply enough power to heat up a bench seat - in truth, it's more of a shiny horizontal scaffolding pole than a bench. These red monstrosities, (complete with Big Sister Eye and a snotty voice that makes disparaging remarks about your attire !), reportedly cost £70k. - The mind boggles . . . How can bus shelters cost 70 Grand ? - Who's a'gonna pay ? ? ?

A recent occasional visitor was not amused . . .

. . . and, would you believe it . . . they fined him £80 grand !

(THEN they shipped him off to Middlesbrough !)

Problem ? - What problem ? ? - Only £12million to find now !

The intriguing twist to the story is that the bus lane (singular, you note) doesn't run at the pavement side of the road. No ! - It's in the middle of what used to be six lanes, replacing the central reservation. Prospective passengers now have to cross two lanes of traffic to reach the central reservation to queue for a bus in a bus shelter that leaks - (even the local TV reporter Georgie Spanswick spotted that whilst flirting with the alleged designer) - and they can't now use the footbridges or the doo-doo pits . . . so now there's traffic lights every fifty yards and non-bus traffic has only two lanes.

The figures relating to passenger / pedestrian fatalities due to 'road rage' during rush hours (now 7a.m. to 7p.m.) may well prove to be the shining jewel in the crown down the road apiece. I suppose it's an alternative attraction to draw the bloodthirsty element which used to go to Odsal to see blood and guts at Rugby, Speedway, Stock Car Racing . . . or that memorable Small Faces concert where the band nearly got crushed to death inside their limo . . .

Cor Blimey, Mrs. Jones . . . 'Ow's your Bert's lumbago ? - Well, it was on the mend after 'is hoperation but then 'e got on one o' them new-fangled buses and wot wiv it bangin' abaht from side to side it's givin' 'im gyp again . . .

And another thing ! - What happens when a bus gets stuck because its little wheel broke off, or whatever else buses break down for ? - And who's gonna shift the bloody snow when it falls onto the road and makes it impossible to reach the bus lane ? - (Our gritters have long since achieved legendary levels of incompetence), and . . . And who wants to ride on one of these bleedin' buses anyway ? - The new lay-out's gonna frighten all the Grannies away from 'The Manch' ! - Unlike Glasgow, this is ONE MEAN CITY !

New Bradford Chorus : "Oh ye cannae shove yer Grannie on the bus . . ." etc. We had trams and trolley buses in Bradford 50 years ago, like they still have in Europe . . . they were plentiful, cheap, well-used and efficient, y'know ? - I reckon all this new concrete is nothing but a dastardly scheme to build fall-out bunkers in the old doo-doo pits for the Council Bigwigs and their cycling friends !

Pay us a visit to view this amazing spectacle.

Park in Brigguss and catch a Guided Bus.

You might never want to leave.

You might never get the chance !

Bradford for European Capital of Culture ? ? ? ? ?