BAG o'BONES # 16
: - Spring 2002Bloody Spring took its time. Innit ?
Caught the wife in the back room the other day with a new whirring toy.
"Woss 'at ?" sez I, wondering if it might get me some brown stamps towards a replacement for the famed 'Shite Amp' - what with catching her out spending covert dosh . . . in secret, an' that . . !"It's an Over-locker".
-(It looked like a re-modernised comptometer in beige if you ask me !)
"
Wotsit Doo ?", I persisted."It stitches over-locks . . . makes hems more secure"
, sez she. That set me thinking. "How's about you overlocking my shrapnel-scarred underpants wiv it, an' that, lass ?"She readily agreed, No Problemo ! . . but that was all I got out of it, so no new amp yet awhile, but there should be a considerable saving on trolleys. I've half a mind
(as you know) to sell the title to the nearest Japanese fad T-shirt manufacturer . . . you know . . . the one behind Barnsley Town Hall ?"OUR LASS DONE
OVERLOCKED
MY UNDERPANTS"
Sounds like a
blues ? (No ?) - Could work on it for the next gig, perhaps . . . Soundcheck, yeah. Let's see . . . dee - dah - de - dee - dah . . . .__________________________
SO ! - what DID we all do on Paddy's Day ?
- (As if you didn't know !)Here's the low-down . . !
Timmy
fired a few down, but some bastard stole his drumkit while he was busy slurping . . . so now he'll HAVE to buy some new sticks, at least !
Davey
took time out from learning G sharp myxolydian riffs with a flat fifth and decided to make up for lost time . . . in so doing, his arse found the lost chord ! - He was still er . . "refining it" on the 20th ! - (So remember when he appears to balls up a solo at the next gig, he isn't really, he's just taken you into The DaveyZone ! - Enjoy . . . Wonder . . . Give Thanks an' that !)
The Guinness & Burdock took its toll on You-Know-Who and his eyes popped out . . . now he can't find the whammy bar . . . (So it's not all bad news !)
Mr. Happy was his usual Tiresome self until he felt a bit green round the gills . . . so no change there, alas !
Louis
put in a brief appearance before disappearing up his own Pimpernel outfit. Voila ! - Now you see him, now you ne see him pas ! - Alors. Sacrebleu. Fish-Rhubarb. Aw-Haw-Hee-Haw . . etc.
Some poor guy got bottled . . . he got into an argument with a Karma chameleon, of sorts . . .
. . . and a couple of his friends, hangers-on, well-wishers, camp followers, yer basic entourage kind of thing that flits from pub to pub on days like this . . . you know the sort . . .
. . . and a Bonny Lass went 'roond wi' a glass. She was looking to swap cock-tales (!) with someone with a bit o' culture, but there is none round these parts, despite what it said on the beermats . . .
They reckon they've already won the nomination, cos
Golden Boy Gareth Popstar Wotsname's handed in the bid !
(He had to pass on a date with Britney to do it !!)
Oh Yes. - The dreaded
Town Hall Twats have struck again. "This venture is gonna bring 40 squillions into the local economy in the year 2008, blah - blah - blah - !!" - Yeah, just like the infamous and short-lived Transperience Museum, or that daft Bus Station roof they 're-modernised' a while back, not to mention the 'Traffic Calming' areas that do the opposite . . . Oh aye !I mean, look at the debt Sheffield got into with the World Student Games not that long since . . . their grandchildren will still be paying for it . . . you'd think they'd learn, but they wouldn't qualify as Town Hall Twats then, would they ? . . and all for their names on another Pay-As-You-Go shithouse . . . I say just give 'em all a vest with their names overlocked on - same difference but Much Cheaper.
Remember, we warned you here first ! - This is, after all, the city with ONE dead-end Motorway and TWO dead-end Railway Stations, a canal that got filled in yonks ago, and all it's famous for is arson, riots and mass murderers, not forgetting Town Hall Twats, David Hockney and Smokie ! - Even Woolworth's bailed out years ago . . .
So, Bullshit EVERYwhere . . . just a normal Paddy's Day ?
Only joking. Wouldn't miss it for Britney meself !
Roll on Puck Fair and the Laune Rangers, eh ?
Now those guy KNOW what really matters . . .
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p.s. Remember the graffiti in the old Crystal Palace, you old Bratfudd Lads ? -
"Here I sit, broken-hearted
Paid a penny & only farted"
. . . and its postscript ?
"Here I sit, coy & artful
Got in free & shat a cartful"
Now THAT was a cultural shithouse, shame it went . . . (Barnsley's still got one ! - They're not as daft.)
ŌōŎŐ
ÕÔŒŔŖŘǾβΨΛζΞξЊЖώЮ) B G I ` PLOPp.s. No piles this year, after all !
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fin___________