P.S. (Yeah, there's always a pee-ess, but this one's at the beginning.)

If, for any reason, you ever detect that the site is a touch overdue for update, have a read of the GuestBook section where you will find snippets of late-breaking news, extra gigs (ho-ho) or owt else of import. Ta

Hello again, and first off sincere apologies for the site's unplanned sabbatical, which can be mainly attributed to a combination of:

* cheap, nasty incompatible not-up-to-spec motherboard screwing up the works;

* long term absence of 'guru' JimBob away on planet Academia;

This is

JimBob

Folks !

* sad (older, fatter, balding) guy failing to master newer technology; (which resulted in him 'losing' all your Emails temporarily while he had to reformat for the umpteenth time, but fear not. He found 'em on unmarked floppies - that should tell you all you need to know about the tosser !)

* other shit happening, as is usual. Hey ! - It's only Rock'n'Roll, right ?

So, as you can tell, little has changed on the Bones front, and Thewlis is a daft old fat TWAT !

The November bash featured a guest appearance by former Cosmic Charlies' bassist Richard Gometz-Hill, on a DayRover from York, and what a fine job he made of effortlessly weaving his crimson five-string through the warp and weft of the Bones' patched up patchwork quilts that included Dark Star . .

He showed The faT basking basTard a Thing or Two ! - (FBB got rather pissed)

In December, there was due to be a gig on new turf in the N. East at Seaham on the 11th which El Pauncho couldn't make, so the Mac's gig on the 8th was used to enable stand-in Sean The Man to 'bone up' on his chops in readiness. That he, too, would acquit himself with his customary aplomb was never in doubt, but 'twas all in vain as the Seaham gig fell through at the promoter's end at the 11th hour, so the band was all dressed up and nowhere to go.

Goin' down the road feelin' bad is one thing, but not even getting to gan doon the bloody road at all is infinitely much more worser, and that was that for the twentieth century !

The 21st got underway on Jan. 26th @ MacRory's and both Richard AND Sean joined in, whereas Mickey (occasional keyboard-iste) couldn't get out of his box yet again. It was nice to see so many friendly faces, and they danced, again they danced. Yippee.

There's been talk of possible gigs in 2000 at festivals here and there, but nothing concrete to report on as yet. Maybe once Heads' heads have cleared after all the Hoo-Haa of late then things might stir into life. We'll have to wait and see, innit ? - Boo Yaka !

How about borrowing that Dome ? - (No bugger else seems to be using it.)

The band is also still threatening to do some rehearsing . . I can say no more.

Lastly, in response to those who suggested that the Website was getting a bit too cumbersome, (others say much kinder things), an attempt has been made to tweak it for better accessibility. Hope you find the changes to your liking. If not, no doubt you'll let us know, one way or another.

The 'Boneheads' cartoon lives on, and has been 'episodomised' a touch. The necessary compromise between size and legibility is an ongoing problem at present and, if it takes a while to upload / download / whatever, then that's the reason, as we've had to make it big enough to read . . . ( -ish )

As you can probably tell, we've still shrunk it about as much as is possible for speed of access on screen. If you'd rather have it in its original form then let us know and co-creator Dave (aka Trevor) will sort something out with a photocopier when 'Le Tour' finishes (and do it at minimal cost), or we'll bung it on a floppy or something so you can colour it in at your leisure ! (The Guru will know best.)

In the meantine, the "All at Sea Tour" rumbles on . . and on . . and on.

__ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __

__ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __

Some 'Prick' has Emailed us about his penis enlarger. (Part of the 'Bring Back Beef on The Bone' campaign, maybe ?) - When push comes to shove, OUR bones are already in the legendary Hugh Jampton class ! - Fnarr.

Timmy's has won several prizes, (so he says).

And lastly here's just a foo thoughts and bits for you all to ponder on while you set a spell . . .

1. Does Gary Lineker actually PAY for his haircuts, or do the kids do it when he's asleep ?

2. If dogs could fly, would you ride one home ?

3. Does anybody know where they sell Sara Hughes Dark Ruby on a regular basis in W. Yorks ? - PLEASE lerrus know, cos it's our mate Stuart's lost favourite and it's time we got him 'radged' good and proper.

4. Anybody know about availability of any Telegoons videos ? - (I found zilch.)

5. Anyone got any lyrics / doggerel to submit for the 'poetry' section ? - We were really snowed under with feedback about THAT one but, as yet, no offerings, so here's another from the pen of Mr. Thewlis that has its origin not in Ireland, but in Glasgow where he stayed with his grannie as a small boy, watching Beyer-Garretts roll out of Dubs's factory on low-loaders en route to Rhodesia and other places that are now extinct . . . they don't make rolls like that anymore.

(See, that nostalgia bit comes out every time.)

There's a jobbie . . doon the lavvy

And it willnae . . . . go away.

It's been there . . . since Glesca Fair

And today . . . . . . is Hogmanay.

It wis a Bobby . . . . did the jobbie,

He was purple . . . in the cheeks

As he rushed in . . through the lobby

It wis burstin' . . . . oot his breeks.

"Oh, sae HELP me" . cried the Bobby

"I've been waitin' . . for a week !"

A' the boys . . . . . . heard the noise

Then we a' went . . for a peek.

There it wis . . . . . . this Bobby's biz

And it wis straight, it wisnae curled.

It wis huge, it wis a MONSTER

It wis the Champion of The World.

I'd just got tae . . . . take a photie

Of the pottie . . . . . . right away,

Cos there's a jobbie . . . doon the lavvy

An' it willnae . . . . . go away.

Yes, there's a jobbie

Doon the lavvy

An' it willnae . .

No it willnae . .

Go away. . . . .

Copyright Control - (This is MINE's.)

The fully orchestrated version features out of tune slide guitar, synthesised "mysterioso-bagpipe ensemble" and sinister / menacing voices.

Nuff said ?

T shirts and posters are still available at gigs. (No price increase) AND whisper it softly, but the live Bones CD is getting there . . . if only we had more gigs to record stuff at. At present we're a couple of long jammers short of the full 74 minutes.

Hmm. Wonder if we could jam out the aforementioned . . Nope. Too hard to jam THAT out. Ah well. . . but then . . . .

[Voice in Head - "DON'T go there !"]

Denny's also had the shits. Dave's still taking the medication, as ever, and Timmy keeps entering competitions . . . . (he ripped his skin last week.) Mickey's box must have got eaten into by Millennium Bugs in his mobile, cos it looks like he's done a runner through the hole. Yeah, him AND the free T-shirt he blagged . .

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So, enough of that, what have The Bones been up to ?

You may as well ask "What's happening in Stoke Newington ?" - (Similar answer.)

Well, life grinds on much as usual, with the odd gig in South Shields (Turk's Head) and Bradford (MacRory's). We still can't find Mickey, but Denny's now experimenting with a Wah-Wah to fill out the sound, and Sean the Man, having played bass in December, has now stood in on guitar, so there's only the drums for him to go at now. Watch out Timmy !

Time will tell. See ya !