Firstly, a reminder. This is not a Perfect Universe, (e.g. there is not always a warm place to shit), so if, for any reason, you ever detect that the site is a touch overdue for update, have a read of the GuestBook section where you will find any snippets of late-breaking news, extra gigs (ho-ho) or owt else of import. Ta.

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So, now that Granny Winter has cast her dark shawl, and Mother Nature has told Sister Spring to go forth and multiply, you would think everything's coming up magnolias, right ? Nah, think again !

We're still scrattin' about between here and up there, but soft, what is this I hear ? The Bones featured in the Sunderland Echo ? No, it can't be true, shurely shome mishtake, we've never played there, we're nowhere near the Premier League, but yes, Davey's thrown a six for us in his own backyard. The lad's a star. Whatever next ? A gig ? Half-time on the pitch or a proper full mash afterwards ? Haway The Bones . . Haway The Bones . . (Allegedly, of course, as it's all hearsay to me, and I speak (write) as one who has been duped before. I have seen no evidence. No photocopies of a page ripped out in haste have crossed MY path. Maybe it was all just a dream.)

A good time was had by all, and new friendships were formed. Some even lasted until he started snoring, or (as Super Roadie Helmut described it) 'snarling'. Can you imagine the old git bouncing round in the back of a transit going up the Alps at 5 am on an icy road, in a blizzard.  Driver Ralf saved several lives that night.

Snowfall heavy. Roads treacherous. Snowplough big. Lights dazzling. Precipice deep. Still alive . . . . Ralf cool !

I bet Mr. T thought those days were well behind him, whereas the only thing that was 'au derrière' was the aroma of his expulsions. It was due to a mixture of cheese, good beer, cheese, sweet essence of giraffe, more beer, a little bit more cheese, fondue (also with cheese, sometimes with Schnapps), figs, a toboggan ride, more beer and then a Lebanese concoction that tasted wonderful, but which had, literally, a sting in the tail. Twenty four sheets before the buffer, and seven buffers before bedtime . . . Oh, how wretchedly debilitating.

(The piles came back. Regular readers may well have anticipated this piece of news. Thankfully, they stayed overseas, so all is well once again. Why, they even survived St. Paddy's, unlike previous years.)

The gigs were all different and all very enjoyable, and the welcome and hospitality received at each one was brilliant. T's personal favourite gig was at The Plus-Minus in Basel, where the band was still on-stage, even if a trifle incoherent, at 04.30, with T in somnolent posture playing what can only be described as 'lap bass'. The video proves, yet again, that cameras don't lie. Apparently every Sunday night there is Dead Night. They even had a dog that howled along to its owner's melodica. Stole the show, almost, but that honour has to go to the tour organiser and host, Walter, and again doubly to his family for both putting the band up AND putting up with the band. A truly memorable experience.

Auf wiedersehen, und "Danke schön" für alles. Meanwhile . . . . . . . . . back in Bonesville . .

The Bones are still threatening to do some rehearsing . . but it's just so much cheap talk, alcohol-induced and forgotten before head touches pillow. I can say no more, except that Timmy is anxious to be in commune with the Boxing Day Holy Man . . . The term 'acoustic set' is also being bandied about, but only to keep Davey quiet(er). February 2013 has been earmarked . .

Up here in the great forgotten Metropolis, the one with two dead-end railway stations and one dead-end motorway, at no less than The National Museum of Film, Photography, Television and Screaming Kids, there's been a travelling exhibition called 'Future World', put on by the BBC. Catch it at a National Museum near you - coming soon - it's great ! Anyway, free Internet access was available so your humble correspondent checked this very site out, just to show off to a few friends, you know how it is.

"I say Rodders, want to see our Website ?"  (Who could refuse ?)

"Oh, I say, ratherrr ! Has got it girlies with big titties ?" - "Yes, they're in the cartoon."

Yup, it seemed to be in working order even if it was, as ever, overdue for update. The 'Boneheads' cartoon caught one of the Rodders' imagination and he was happily catching up on the 'All at Sea' tour when Auntie Censor closed the site down as being unsuitable. Just how Auntie can object to the odd 'shit' when she employs dozens of 'em, not to mention the squillion tons of it in their regular outpourings, beats me. If you don't know what I'm talking about all you have to do is listen to the local radio sports coverage around teatime, or, better example, there's Jonfn Woss, of whom we can, and thus will, say nothing . . . Of course, HE will tell you he's a Top Ranker.

Puts the 'turd' into Saturday and no mistake !

So, is it infamy yiz're wantin' ?  Look no further. This is where it's at. The website that is now Officially Banned by The BBC. Notoriety don't come much more betterer than that, unless you happen to be Shaun Ryder . . . the plumber's friend. I often daydream that he once stayed at Jonfn's, where the phrase 'Fill yer boots' took on sinister overtones.

In the meantime, the now "Grossly Unsuitable For Family Viewing All at Sea Tour" rumbles on . . and on . . and on. Episode 5 is now up and running just as sluggishly as its predecessors. You may need to scroll down a bit below the horizon to find it, depending on whichever resolution you happen to view it at, always assuming, of course, that you DO want to.

(What does 'baud rate' mean ? - Seems we need a transfusion. Hope it's better than Butch Dingle's.)

Thanks Mr. Gates. Nice to see you getting unexpected messages on YOUR screen for a change.

Some illiterate wanted to sell us his down-home recipes, including details of where to find those hard to get items like alligator . . . Doesn't he know you can get ANYTHING in Bradford ? Why, Gourmets come here from as far away as Slaithwaite, and swear that our Root & Lung Pies are peerless. We, however, know what's in 'em . . . .

Went for a look at the daffs and ducks and whatnot at the renowned Bingley Five Rise Locks a while back, and very pleasant it was too. The kids were busy drawing, sketching and shoving crayons up their noses and there we was, just drinking it all in with the odd chuckle to wash it down when there, bold as brass and twice as moist, is a long narrowboat at the top of the stairs by the name 'Dark Star'. So, I stole some crayons from the nearest breadsnapper and got to work.

Can ya guess what it iz yet ?

If that wasn't enough excitement for the whole millennium, what should we pass at Cottingley Bridge, (near to where they photographed the Fairies) but a vehicle bearing the registration 4 COX.

(Honest ! - I seen it with me own eyes. Why, that's nearly as many as we've got in the band !)

However, whether the owner of the vehicle in question did, or did not, possess said quantity of appendages is a moot point, but they say you can't beat advertising to get your message across, and I would hazard a guess that s/he receives a steady stream of enquiries on the matter, as it does seem to fall into a rather different category from the infamous RILEY'S TOOL WORKS, CLYDE TUGS and REYNOLDS PUMPS. There was never owt clever about them !

T shirts & posters we still got, but no-one asks anymore. Seems that all three of you have already got yours. Ho hum. (No price increase) AND, again whisper it softly, but the live Bones CD is getting there . . . . If you don't believe it just ask Denny. He'll tell you "It's all coming together", except the alpha copy wouldn't play on his CD player so there are gremlins to swipe, either that or he'd just had a bacon wad . . . I know which one my money's on. Timmy is road-testing a different version, as is Davey, so hold on . . . it's coming, but will you want it ? (And this is to ALL 3 OF YOU !)

Even Webmaster JimBob likes the odd track, and he's only a bleedin' student !

No news on anything humongously BIG in these parts at all, summer DEADfest-wise, but judging by the crowd the Charlies got in Donny there may simply not be the demand for it in The North. Sadly, it does seem that there aren't too many DeadHeads around. By way of mitigation, the Charlies' gig did just happen to clash with a gig just down the road featuring ex Byrd, multi-talented Gene Parsons, whose "Yesterday's Train" is Denny's all-time favourite. (I favour "There must be someone", but there you go.) That there B-bender invention must be keeping him in spondulix, and well earned it would be. Strange that neither of us knew he was touring the UK. Oh Bugger !

So, a third of the year gone already and no "Po"s to empty, except the one mentioned last time . . . However, seeing as we aren't going to Tottingham this year for Jerry's Day, we're doing the tribute at MacRory's instead, and it will be on the very day, August 9^th, which is a Wednesday. Be there. Get the tie-dyes on. Bring a friend.

Bring yer banjo. Bring yer spoons. Bring yer tin sandwich. Join Uncle John's Band for the night. It's gonna be 'Ossomm'.

And while we're at it, where's the next Hunter ? Are you out there ? If so, bring or send us yer lyrics and we'll see what we can do with 'em. GO ON THEN ! What ya got to lose ?

The turnout of diehards for the April bash at Mac's was encouraging. We always seem to be on when there's European Footie on the box . . is it just a coincidence ? Anyway, the Dark Star quickstep was launched ad hoc and I think some of the band had been at the cheese in a big way, because Denny suddenly launched into one of Davey's songs in set two that had already been done by The Gigster in set one. Avant garde, eh ? - He's a Space Cowboy . .

Mickey was away again, (doing his boy-band thing for a fat paycheck if I'm not mistaken) ! Watch out Mickey ! Think on, yon Starchild Magruder might just be waiting in the wings ready and willing to do a Donna, and she ALWAYS turns up, which is more than can be said for thee . . . and . . . . no, we agreed not to speak about it . . . . Think yerself lucky this time . . . .

PS. Those Northern Wooly Bullies have just beat Leeds to lift the Cup. I wish me Dad had lived to see it. I hope he's laffin' tonight.

PPS. City have seen off the Wombles. What next ? - Will the beloved Avenue rise up and reclaim their rightful place in the Third Division along with Accrington Stanley, Aldershot, Newport, Southport, Barrow, Workington & Gateshead ? And will they still piss in each other's Bovril ? - Aah. Aaaaah. Too much cheese . . . . . . Quick, fetch us a root & lung pie.

Roll on the Lottery win. Roll on the Pools win. Roll away the dew . . . . Roll away the stone. 

Time to sit on the Ancestral Throne again.

Knock, knock . . . . . Come on . . . . . Lemme in . . . . It's URRRRGENT ! ! ! . . . .

"Sorry Dad. I've had too much cheese again, and it's freezing in here !"

Isn't this where we came in ? . . . Bye for now.