Bloody TV ! - There he was on telly again, that Daley Thompson, peerless sporting hero, ambassador and thoroughly nice chap, advertising summat called 'E-Flat' (or similar) but he never says what it is, what it does, where you can get it or if was so good that he bought the company etc. Is it a new, more sophisticated, subtler form of advertising, or a gameshow from the 4^th Dimension ?

Just what is this thing 'E-flat' (or similar) ? - Is it a trombafone or a new sax ? - Is it analogue or digital ? - Is a real imitation leather case included ? - How many pet owners swear by it . . and has every drop been dripped ?

Is it for dry, greasy or damaged hair, and do you 'aff to be wurff eet (or not) to use it ? - Would that Tena Lady get any benefit or relief from it ? - Is it 'No wee, no Fee' ? - (Bye the bye, I notice that Tena Gent hasn't surfaced yet . . could they pay you enough to act the part ? - Thought not. I'm still waiting to be approached.)

Does the offer end this week ? - Will they take my old banger as full deposit ? - If you buy the front do you get the back free ? - Is there nothing to pay 'til 2001 ? - Do you qualify for Airmiles ? - Does it come with free E-coli Immunitass (or similar).

Does it do what it says on the tin ? - If so, wot the 'ell does it say ? - Beats me . . (which isn't saying much, as you already surmised . . Relax, this will be the last time, probably.) . . . and do they do a version in G flat . . (Dave likes G flat) . . . or B demented (Denny's favourite, and mine, of course) . . . ? . . . ?

Whaa's aaaaaaap ? - (Now THAT'S an Ad.)

I haven't found this 'E-flat' (or similar) yet at Netto . . maybe it got held up when the farmers and truckers 'stuck it' to Mr. B-liar and the men of straw he surrounds himself with . . . How much juice can you hold in 2 Jags ? - He won't have been constantly inconWeenienced, will he ?

'Ello, 'ello, 'ello, 'ello . . . 'Ello John gotta new moh-taa-a-a-ar . . . .?

Answers on a postcard to Ann Robinson, who is most definitely THE weakest link. I'm surprised the contestants don't all vote her off after the first round . . . . - either that or twat her upside the head . . . I would ! . . Fancy her pretending to be a real Devil Woman ! - All you'd have to do is throw sand in her eye . . . she'd wink herself to death !

Bloody TV . . . Honestly, aren't they just scraping the barrel these days for new quiz shows ? - Have you caught Vanessa's ? - Hard Lard if you have, but what were you expecting, in this 'Ambulance Chasers Chase Triple Rollover Scratchcard Jackpot In Sexy Undies On A Desert Island Now That Brains & Whoever Have Restructured Their Outstanding Debt' World ?

Us old 'uns still remember when Tuesday was on the phone to Monday, but now hardly anyone's got anything of much importance to shout about, especially Wednesday ! (Best ground in t' Third Division . . . again . . soon . ! ) Black Friday's just around the corner and it seems only August has any answers to address the burning issues of The Age. Who do you turn to ? - Who'll be your role model when your role model is gorn ?

Some days it's wall to wall. The question to a young embryonic geezer, asked in all innocence, was, "What do you and your mates get up to of a weekend ?" - The answer was, "We go into town an' shit."

Honestly, the conditions some folk must have to live in . . . . This IS Poverty !

I'm looking out the window. What do I see ? - Wall to wall tossers shouting "Me. Looka ME . . . Me. Me. Me. Me . . . Looka ME . . Looka ME".

The Kids from Fame generation grown into The KrapKaraokeKaosKrew, aka Big Brother contestants, etc.

Trouble is, they're shite, and they know they are . . . but as long as they get their 15 minutes they don't care. Either that or they're busy going to pro-celebrity synchronised designaerobics and mastering the mantra of the doomed . . . you know . . (Adopt the Bernice from The Woolpack voice :) . . .

"H'lu . . Hummaya Hellpyuuu ? . . . Sor-reee . . . have to confer with a colleeeague, hold the line please caller . . . . " . . (then : Muzak, endless bloody digital clarinet Muzak >>>> : )

. . . whilst wearing full make-up and the company uniform, just to 'smillie' at a monitor screen . . . and not being programmed to switch themselves off when it's home time. How many of 'em can change a wheel, a fuse even ? - It's a wonder they can change their minds, as they almost always give the impression of not having one. (Remember Victoria the talented one's "Is it on the trolley ?" - That sort always seem to get on the quiz shows and get asked bloody simple questions that a kid of 8 can answer, but THEY can't ! Then Barrymore or some other big girl puts an arm round them to commiserate with them for NOT winning that all expenses paid holiday to Bali . . . and they wee themselves . . . and come out with torrents o' gush . . . ) That bloody TV licence is a right rip-off ! - Gilbert Harding - now THERE was a pundit ! - You could fair smell him coming out of the TV.

Mandy Man Inc. could always invite them all to The Dome Farewell Party and, just maybe, they could all disappear down the big hole where all the money goes. Blimey, them as work there must all get 100 lines a day each to run up that kind of a bill . . . (allegedly, or so I'm told . . )

Gimme a Little Bessie Girl from Cripple Creek any day . . .

Get into mandallas, not Mandy Men. Surrender yourself to Infinite Possibility. Take me on a trip . . . I swear it's not too late . . . Throw down a line . . . Right on, Sir Circlip ! - (He was way ahead of the game, you know.)

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No Readers' Boxes or Sheds to show you yet, but one 'Hutch' Le Mesurier did send in a copy of his Shed-lists, from a 1972-86 Garden Centre tour of The Chilterns, Mendips, and Home Counties West, complete with a copy of the tape - (ten metres). Apparently he collects and logs all measurements at every centre visited, but hasn't as yet put his own shed, or Garden Centre, together. Nice friendly soul, though. Wanted to know which nails, felt, ladders, wellies and creosote we use. Which hinges swung best. Do we recommend any particular brand of varnish, or cheese . . . . Do we each have our own special shelves or hooks to keep our machetes on (!) . . . Is it nitrous, methane or Tesco's Beans that makes us fart ? (It's actually flatulence . . and an imminent MOT failure in the rear off-side sphincter bush.) Etc. etc. . I suspect he's been inside Mickey's box recently, which is more than can be said for the unUsual occupant . . .

Questions . . Questions . . Life's too short . . . (so how come time drags by ?)

My head hurts.

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It was all due to the Bones' Jerry's Day night event, and the excess of ersatz Liffey Water I'd employed as neck oil.  (Not quite the real thing, burrittaster doo, tha sees . .)

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Really enjoyed the good bits of the gig, even the un-plugged foreplay bit that hardly anyone managed to come for - tsk, tsk.

Be earlier next time ! - Come sooner ! - Come Together !

Unfortunately though, there were some 'not quite rehearsed anywhere like well enough' bits that made not only me cringe, so I'll let Dave alias Trevor throw in his three penn'orth. I think he sums it up with some panache. (They have seasonal special offers on Panache in Dave's neck o' the woods. To counteract his athlete's foot problem he fills his boots. Well, don't we all when there's a shortage looming ? Didn't you ?)

Hiya, here's a poem to the tune of "Uncle John's Band":

You've got to hand it to the lad for his truly insightful gift for delivering a pithy, straight-faced, comprehensive critique there, I feel. Now, if only his gift for choosing the optimum volume level for his Geeee-Tar was as good . . . Meeiaow, or nearest offer. I've got no room to talk, nor to dance, nor to move any further away from his 'output' . . .

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On a bit-of-a-bummer note, the two people who professed to be the keenest to join the ad hoc Uncle John's Band on Jerry's Day were conspicuous by their absence at Mac's. Grr !!

If an old daft, fat, balding, incontinent, incoherent, drunken, forgetful, raving sack of foist like me (what was that about 3 names ?) can sing an unplugged mandolin part and play a different harmony without a safety net - instead of the usual playing a harmony, phaarting a bass part, singing the missing rhythm guitar/keyboard part and rustling up a seven skinner with me left foot whilst occasionally receiving a lip-curler of up to 240 volts . . . with varying degrees of success or otherwise . . . . then are these people "Yitten" or what ?

It's only a bit o' fun, lads. - Nobody'll get drownded ! - (Well, Mickey maybe . .)

Maybe next year, eh ? - Plop ! - Thwrrupp (or vice-versa).

Thank Goodness, then, that the DeadHead generation of the future, in the shape of our mate Kai, isn't as lily-livered. He brung his guitar and sat in on a few, sculpting some very intricate filigree with a round turn and two half hitches to strengthen the gusset, and decorated the proceedings in his usual deft yet understated way, a trait not readily found in many 'seasoned' players, it seems.

He . . . he knows . . . . he knows how . . . he knows when . . . he knows what . . . and he will no doubt bring untold pleasure to many others in the years ahead. And he was nervous in case he messed us up !

We clearly needed no help in that department, did we ? We salute the young ones who are the future. The sooner this future becomes the present the better, for the follow up gig at Mac's in September was nothing short of . . . well, let's say that the evening's version of 'Dark Star' owed more to The Sir Douglas Quintet, and that the hitherto beautiful ballad 'Stella Blue' doesn't really suit the Motorhead treatment.

Why ? Why ? Why ? ? ? - Render unto Caesar, like, lads . . . an' shit . . .

It was rumoured that Trevor nail-gunned Mickey back into his box afterwards and said 'Never again', and Timmy and me have sacked the other two for having their amps on 11 and deafening us. WE COULDN'T HEAR OURSELVES, LADS ! ! - But they won't be listening . . they never are. Too much cheese in their lug-'oles. It's the Death Wish, for sure . . . (just like that there relay team in the 4 * 100. They were rumoured to have practised as well . . . )

Old guitarists never die, they just turn up, and up, and up . . .

Now, Fair Play time here. It works for BUZZARD, 'cos their Norman knows what "Cranking It Up" is all about. Mmm. Nice. Catch those guys whenever you can. They're something else. They're . . what's the word . . aah, yes, "entertaining" ! - Treat yourselves . . . it's still 1967-8 when these guys let rip. They ARE the real deal . . . check 'em out, and soon, before they die of old age or get arrested for trouser offences. They play all over the North and are based in Uddersfylde - ish

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To balance some of the above, on a what-a-jolly-good-piece-of-fortune note, the Bones have, rather fortuitously, been given back some modicum of dignity and respect by becoming no longer 'exclusive to MacRory's'. (It's a cellar bar in Bradford, near the Uni. It'll do us good to get out for a bit . . )

It's largely up to youse lot how long this status will last. Your part involves turning up in droves, rather than dribs, at Brother Eamon's world famous hostelry, The Melborn Hotel, (GDTEPMH) nestling in the romantic White Abbey Road area of Bradford, on Friday, October 6^th, giving it up in large portions and spending a sizeable wad over the bar. Either that or it could be we'll be heading back to Tennessee again soon, and that's too close to Jawja for me ! - The dog's already split !

"Ya Mo Jammit Big Iswe . . . an' that . . . like . . . y'know !"

"Woss'at mean ?" - "Dunno. Best go an' find out, eh ?"

Why don't we ride this here storm out together, like good kin do, and make the ol' folks proud ? - See you at The Melborn - should be a good 'kin' do ! - Make the ol' folks proud . . . why don'tcha ? - Please be there, bring your friends, give yer tie-dyes one more night on the town before Winter, put on yer dancin' shoes.

Jingle-Jangle Genital Jiving Jewellery is optional. Power to all our friends.

Because - always remember - "Weee Lurrve Yooooooou" at the GDTEPMH.

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Found this (1) in a Readme.doc file.

"Also, please note that should you fail to support this program and continue to use it, a leather-winged demon of the night will tear itself, shrieking blood and fury, from the endless caverns of the nether world, hurl itself into the darkness with a thirst for blood on its slavering fangs and search the very threads of time for the throbbing of your heartbeat. Just thought you'd want to know that."

I've since deleted the program in question and my machine crashes, on average, every couple of hours, less in graphics programs . . makes you wonder ! . . . Boggarts in the Bios ? - Re-load #6 beckons, methinks . . SAVE NOW ! - (Phew.)

Found this (2) in a leaflet with the medication I'm on . . . .

Rarely you may experience drowsiness, tiredness, impaired hearing, difficulty with sleeping, seizures, irritability, anxiety, depression, mood changes, tremor, memory disturbances, vertigo, disorientation, changes in vision, ringing in the ears, bad dreams, taste alteration, allergic reactions, swelling due to water retention, palpitations, chest pains, impotence or tightness in the chest."

I particularly like the "Rarely" bit at the beginning of the second paragraph . . .

Isn't it bloody amazing what they can achieve with the wonders of modern medicine ? - Something to unfreeze a shoulder and relieve a trapped nerve brings ALL these bonus side-effects . . . . No wonder AstraZen shares have shot up !

I flushed the pills.

Now I can't seem to stop farting !

Aren't I the lucky one ?

You can go now, but Be Careful Out There . . . No naked lights, please.

Check out the Gigs Page and the latest episode of the Cartoon on your way out if you like . . . Bye.

Thwrrupp ! - (Sorry)

"Ot !" - shoulder's gone again . . . Hoist by my own petard . . .

"Nurse . . Soma ! Soma ! - - Hilfen Sie mir, bitte ! - - MayDay, MayDay . ."

PLEASE NOTE: No animals were harmed during the making of this Bag O'Bones. The ilk died of natural causes, which were in no way caused by nor exacerbated by its cameo appearance, and a substantial donation has been made to an offshore ilk charity, which has reserved and duly exercised the right to anonymity.

Peregrine appeared by arrangement with the DOT Foundation (Duffers on Television) and neither asked for nor received any fee.