1. Sharpen the ends and use 'em to sort out that too loud guitarist's shite amp by embedding 'em in his speaker cones.

2. Ditto - too loud bass players . . . or even just those 99% of them that are pillocks.

3. Give 'em to the keyboard player to hold a pedal note down the way Keith Emerson used to. This is a good way to achieve two outcomes;

a) - it's sure to spark off some jealousy between him and the guitarist with the shite amp, possibly leading to a fist fight on stage mid-set, and

b) - it'll plant the idea in the singer's head that it's OK for him to start shoving wedges and beermats into the keyboard. (You know what singers are like, always poncing about during solos playing air guitars or, worst of all, playing my bloody cymbals with his microphone.)

4. Just stab the insufferable gits and get it over with . . . You know it makes sense.

5. If the singer's too hard for you to fight, suggest that he borrows some of your sticks to join in during that extended instrumental bit. When it arrives and he beckons you to pass him some sticks, give him the broken ones that you've just superglued the other ends of. That should sort the bastard out. Then leg it.

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