So another year has dawned in The Twilight Zone wherein dwell 75% of The Bones and,

Consider our footy teams. Poor old Doley at York City looks to be prepared for clearing his desk out any day - hope they find a saviour in time as he's always been one of the good guys and his lads are fighting the good fight despite all the uncertainty . . . Even the mighty Super Leeds have been reduced to a Blue Cross Sale . . . City's chairman's having to go cap-in-hand to Lombard to re-schedule the £6m debt on a stand they're not exactly filling . . . (the club had to flog off Carboni's old gaff to pay the wages) . . . 'Uddersfield are in freefall, so are Barnsley and the Owls . . .'Alifax won't be allowed back in the League even if they qualify unless they come out of administration . . . my beloved Avenue can't get into the Conference because 'Orsfall Stadium's not up to scratch . . . and then there's the everlasting pantomime horse galloping willy-nilly through the corridors of power . . . no wonder there's so much shit happening down there !

Yes Folks, those utterly inept Town Hall Twats continue to push the envelope of Twatdom even further in their endless quest to kill this City's population's last grains of optimism . . . It used to be just THEM and us . . . Now it's THEM and UZ and us ! - Confused ?? - Read on.

Remember how we told of THEM giving control of our annual Bradford Festival to some bunch of equally inept off-comed money-grubbers last year - a little 'local' firm from Brighton, apparently called 'UZ' - . . . and the inevitable triple-bollocks they made of organising it . . . and the subsequent mass wailings and protestations of the locals at being frozen out of their own backyard bash . . . the event that's supposed to be for their benefit . . ?

Well . . . It's just been announced that, despite these same locals putting on their own independent, unsubsidised yet still highly successful alternative 'do' and proving that the locals know better than THEM what the locals want, the Twats have let the triple-bollocks lot keep the contract - worth a staggering £328,000 for the current year. This is on top of THEM squandering well over a million on the fruitless 'City of Culture' bid fiasco.

1. Bradford's own Telegraph & Argus reported that the Council has nearly £3million surplus cash, yet THEY're content to let the Priestley Centre for the Arts, - (named after a local lad who done good) - fold for the lack of £50k. So much for local culture now, eh ? - It seems Labour wants to spend the cash on a whole raft of worthy, needy yet currently un- or under-funded causes, but Deputy Council Leader Simon Cooke (Con. Bingley Rural) is reported as saying "None of us want to see the Priestley Centre close but to suggest we squander public money on a whim is appalling."

A whim, eh ?

Hmm . . . Wasn't the whole 'City of Culture' thing a ginormously appalling example of squandering one point two millionsworth of public money on a whim . . . Councillor Deputy Leader Cooke ?

It is also reported that "The windfall has arisen because of (amongst other things) a reappraisal of the rateable value of theatres" . . . . Funny that one of these theatres, namely The Priestley Centre, is due to fold, eh ?

2. The Yorkshire Post had an item headed : 'Give festival back to people' demand falls on deaf ears' : This despite the following :

a) The Council's own scrutiny committee concluding that last year's event had been ballsed up and let folk down, plus

b) "It was revealed that the contract was badly drawn up and targets had been missed", and

c) in a revealing statement, a leading Councillor announced, "I'm happy to say that we didn't get everything right in terms of the procurement process but let's not overstate alleged failures". (Staggering for a Councillor to admit to being 'Happy' that they're incompetent ? - Best not wonder how well he wipes his arse, eh ? - If they were to appoint another scrutiny committee to look into THAT there's no telling what they'd find . . . a forked tongue, perhaps ??)

This individual "thought that it was time for the protestors to move on". Guess whose words they are . . . ? - Got it in one. It's none other than that self-same Deputy Council Leader, Simon Cooke (Con. Bingley Rural). That sounds to this cynic suspiciously like his way of telling the local protestors, who included one with 30-odd years of experience in organising festivals, by the way, "Why don't you peasants just Cooke Off ?"

On a personal note, regular bandwatchers may be interested to learn that the apparently incontinent bassist has recently been, er . . 'anally visited' by no less than THREE wise men wearing Marigolds . . . the interim verdict is that it probably isn't his prostate, it's just a weak bladder . . .

( - DUH ! - we always knew it was the bass frequencies that caused it . . . Back in the Sixties yon keyboard fellah in The Moody Blues discovered that certain low notes on his synth made the front three rows dive into the bogs . . . and some never quite got there in time !)

However, just to be on the safe side, the irregularly appointed incontinent one's probably gonna have to have a searchlight shoved where the sun don't shine so that his slack peg can be surgically tweaked in order that his dropped D (or bottom string) can be re-tuned to concert pitch. Can't you just hear him scream . . .

Let's hope his impending ordeal turns out to be a piece o' piss, eh ?

Either that or he'll have to tie a knot in it and change his name . . . .

to Ben Twilley !