Dir: Patrick G. Donahue
Come back with me to a time when real cheese ruled the legendary Grindhouse
circuits.
Here comes the........KILL SQUAD!
Joseph Lawrence (Jeff Fisk) and his Wife run an electronics firm and shout at each other a lot about troubles they are having with another firm who wants to buy them out.
One night along come a bunch of bad dudes in bad 80's head bands who proceed to break into Joe's house. They are lead by the cigar chewing Dutch (schlock fave and Housewife's Favourite Cameron Mitchell) who strategically hides himself in Joseph's big flowery bushes.
The gang attacks using really bad Kung Fu accompanied by out of place cheesy Jazz music. Joe pulls all the right poses and kicks their butts. But Dutch, showing he has no honour, (the cad) or interest in Joe's Vogue posing Martial Arts, simply pulls out a gun and shoots him. As he passes out he sees his Wife being raped and murdered.
We then meet a black dude with a big Afro and a bad moustache named Larry
(Jean Glaude) who has already proved his Kung Fu credibility by kicking the
asses of some metal Workers! It turns out Larry is Joe's right hand man, and
Joe himself is now in a wheelchair after the aforementioned shooting.
Determined to get revenge on the rival electronic firm who crippled him and
killed his Wife (and people complain about poor Bill Gates) Joe tells Larry
to get together his old Squad from Vietnam. Seems Joe and Larry are Vets which,
as it's an 80's action flick can mean only one thing……. Yep, it's
'Nam flashback time folks!
We see Joe, Larry and five other Men tied to a bamboo pole being led to a
minefield. The dastardly Vietcong are going to force the Men to walk through
the mines! The Devils!!
Luckily one of the men, Alan, is built like a brick shit house and proceeds
to ram a pole through his guard (and cleverly hangs the Man's hat on it to
fool the other guards) and soon it's Jungle Kung Fu City!
Back to the present and Larry is getting the squad back together by going
up to them and proclaiming "Joseph needs you".
And what a Squad it is! Role call time!
Alan - The Kung Fu Shit House Dude, likes to wiggle his Nunchuka around. (Bill
Cambra)
Arthur - The Kung Fu Insect Salesman who likes to swish his sword around.
(Marc Sabin)
Tommy - The Kung Fu Oriental Gardner who likes to swish his deadly sticks
around (Gary Fung)
Pete - The Kung Fu Beardy Builder who likes to flap his double Nuchukas around.
(Francisco Ramirez)
KC - The Kung Fu Pimp who likes to slash his knife around. (Jerry Johnson)
Kitted out in their combat gear, the Squad head out to track down Dutch's
gang, who sport names like Virgil and Jesse James, so they can get to flowery
shrub dwelling Dutch himself.
But things are never simple in trashy Grindhouse action flicks and soon it's
fight after fight after hysterically trashy fight
But as the Squad gains each lead, a mysterious sniper dogs their trail and
soon things turn REALLY nasty!
A mere half- hour into this great slice of ultra trash we have already had six fights and a bad 'Nam flashback. What more could you want? Exactly, that's right…more fights! And this is what you get. The whole film is now Kung Fu Chaos! We have the aforementioned Jungle Fu as well as JunkYard Fu, Building Site Fu, Used Car Lot Fu, Cement Factory Fu and Pool Party Fu!
And as everyone knows, in a Martial Arts flick EVERYONE has to know Kung
Fu. And in "Kill Squad" that does indeed mean everyone.
We have Kung Fu Builders, kung Fu Metal workers, Kung Fu Car Salesmen, Kung
Fu Cowboys, and even Kung Fu Bikini Wearing Skinny White BBQ Party Chicks!!
Schlock movie Heaven is shining it's divine light upon thee and it warms the
soul.
And all the kung Fu is of course dire. Only the token Oriental, Tommy, has
any flair and Gary Fung performs some highly enjoyable mid air leg work.
All the rest look as smooth as a glass shard covered pile of grit, and that
isn't very smooth.
But the action is so unrelenting (with a few splattery bullet hits here and
there to boost the blood level) and fun that you can't help but war m to it's
inept charms. And just listen to those essentially inauthentic punch and kick
sound effects. Trash fans wouldn't have it any other way!
But, if all this wasn't enough we also have a wickedly over the top car chase
packed with ridiculous flying, crash and burn car stunts. Oh, and a gratuitous
'knock the kid off his bike' scene and skinny white gal breasts.
Do the joys never end?!!
The acting is just as bad as the Martial Arts, and thankfully just as entertaining.
Bad guys are comically bad; the good guys strut their stuff and toss out their
dialogue with hip abandon.
The characters are also fun, and their introduction scenes are a hoot!
Jerry Johnson's Black hustler is of course a Pimp with a heart, giving his
'Bitches' some spending cash before he leaves, Tommy is mistreated by his
rich clients and promptly shows them it's not only hedges he can cut down
to size and Beardy Pete is introduced by being thrown off a high roof and
slamming onto a parked car before dusting himself off and kicking butt! And
what other film has a Martial Arts bug Salesman?
This is trash of the highest calibre! Comic fights, serious fights (well
as serious as they can be given the circumstances), violence, blood, violence,
breasts, violence, silly people, cheesy Jazz, comedy Country and Western tunes,
extremely crazy plot twists.
And when a film has the credit "With Cameron Mitchell as Dutch"
you just know you can't go wrong.
